Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (15 page)

The more precisely children can express their feelings in words the better, so see if you can help them hit the nail on the head. If he’s angry, for example, he may also feel frustrated, enraged, confused, betrayed, or jealous. If she’s sad, she might feel hurt, left-out, jealous, empty, gloomy.

Keep in mind that people often feel mixed emotions, which, to some children, can be troubling in itself. A child going off to camp, for example, may feel both proud of his independence and afraid that he’ll be homesick. “Everybody else is happy to be going, but I feel anxious,” the child may think. “So what’s wrong with me?” Parents can help in such situations by guiding the child to explore his range of emotion, and by reassuring him that it’s often normal to feel two ways at once.

S
TEP
N
O
. 5: S
ETTING
L
IMITS
W
HILE
H
ELPING THE
C
HILD
P
ROBLEM
-S
OLVE

O
NCE YOU HAVE
spent time listening to your child and helping her to label and understand her emotions, you will probably find your
self naturally drawn into a process of problem solving. This process can have as many as five steps, as well: (1) limit setting; (2) identifying goals; (3) thinking of possible solutions; (4) evaluating proposed solutions based on your family’s values; and (5) helping your child choose a solution.

At first glance, this process may appear rather unwieldy, but with practice, it becomes automatic and can usually be accomplished quickly. That’s the way you want problem solving to be with children: brief but often.

You can guide your child through the steps. But don’t be surprised if, with experience, he starts to take the lead and begins solving difficult problems on his own.

SET LIMITS

For small children especially, problem solving often starts with a parent setting limits on inappropriate behavior. A child gets frustrated, for example, and then expresses that negative feeling in an inappropriate way, such as hitting a playmate, breaking a toy, or name calling. After the parent acknowledges the emotion behind the misbehavior and helps him to label it, the parent can make sure the child understands that certain behaviors are inappropriate and can’t be tolerated. Then the parent can guide the child into thinking of more appropriate ways to handle negative feelings.

“You’re mad that Danny took that game away from you,” the parent might say. “I would be, too. But it’s not okay for you to hit him. What can you do instead?” Or, “It’s okay for you to feel jealous because your sister jumped into the front seat of the car before you did, but it’s not okay for you to call her nasty names. Can you think of a different way to deal with your feelings?”

As Ginott taught, it’s important for children to understand that their
feelings
are not the problem, their
misbehavior
is. All feelings and all wishes are acceptable, but not all behaviors are. Therefore, it’s the parent’s job to set limits on acts, not on wishes.

This makes sense when you consider that it’s not easy for children to change the way they feel about a situation. A child’s emotions of sadness, fear, or rage don’t just disappear because a parent says, “Stop that crying” or, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” If we tell a
child how she
ought
to feel, it just makes her distrust what she
does
feel, a situation that leads to self-doubt and loss of self-esteem. On the other hand, if we tell a child she has a right to her feelings—but there may be better ways to
express
those feelings—the child is left with her character, her sense of self-esteem, intact. Also, she knows she has an understanding adult on her side who is going to help her go from feeling overwhelmed to finding a solution.

What kinds of behaviors should a parent limit? Ginott gives no hard-and-fast answers and that’s as it should be; parents ought to set rules for children based on their own values. He did, however, offer some guidance regarding permissiveness, which he defined as “
accepting the childishness of children
.” Parents should accept, for example, “that a clean shirt on a normal child will not stay clean for long, that running rather than walking is the child’s normal means of locomotion, that a tree is for climbing, and a mirror is for making faces.” Allowing such behaviors “brings confidence and increasing capacity to express feelings and thoughts.” Overpermissiveness, on the other hand, is accepting undesirable acts, such as destructive behavior. Overpermissiveness is to be avoided because it “brings anxiety and increasing demands for privileges that cannot be granted.”

Ginott also suggests that parents think about a system of rules based on three “zones” of behavior—the green zone, yellow zone, and red zone.

The green zone encompasses behavior that’s sanctioned and desired. It’s the way we want our children to act, so we grant them permission freely.

The yellow zone is misbehavior that’s not sanctioned, but it’s tolerated for either of two specific reasons. The first is “leeway for learners.” Your four-year-old can’t sit quietly through an entire church service, but you expect he’ll get better with time. The second is “leeway for hard times.” A five-year-old throws tantrums while suffering a cold. A teenager challenges her mom’s authority during her parents’ divorce. You may not approve of these types of behavior and you should let your child know this. But you may go ahead and tolerate it, telling your child you’re doing so because of exceptional circumstances.

The red zone is behavior that cannot be tolerated no matter
what. This includes activities that are dangerous to the well-being of your child or others. It also includes behavior that’s illegal, or behavior you consider immoral, unethical, or socially unacceptable.

When setting limits on inappropriate behavior, parents should let the child know what consequences he can expect for breaking or following rules. Consequences for good behavior can be positive attention, praise, privileges, or rewards. Consequences for misbehavior might be denial of attention, loss of privileges, or the absence of rewards. Children respond best if consequences are consistent, fair, and related to their misbehavior.

The time-out is a popular method used as a consequence for misbehavior among small children—say, ages three to eight. To use it correctly, children are briefly isolated from positive interactions with their peers and caregivers. When it’s used correctly, it can be an effective way to help children stop their misbehavior, calm down, and start again on a more positive note. Unfortunately, too many parents and caregivers use time-outs incorrectly. They couple the isolation with harsh words and attitudes, making children feel rejected and humiliated. Little good is accomplished with this type of derogatory consequence.
I urge parents who use time-outs
to do so with sensitivity.

Another commonly used consequence of misbehavior among American parents is spanking.
A 1990 survey of college students
, for example, revealed that 93 percent were spanked as children, with 10.6 percent reporting physical punishment severe enough to cause welts or bruises. While spanking may be popular in the United States, it is not standard among parents worldwide.
Only about 11 percent of parents in Sweden
, for example, report spanking their kids—a statistic many believe may be connected to the lower incidence of violence in general in that country.

Many parents who spank say they do so because it makes their children obey. Indeed, many kids will do what they’re told to avoid physical pain. The problem is, a threat of spanking works
too well
in the short term: It stops misbehavior immediately, often without discussion, cutting off chances to teach the child self-control and problem solving. And in the long term, spanking may not work at all. In fact, spanking often backfires because it makes kids feel powerless, unfairly treated, and angry with their parents. After a spanking,
children are more likely to think about revenge than self-improvement. A sense of humiliation may cause them to deny wrongdoing, or they may plot ways to keep from getting caught the next time they misbehave.

Spanking also teaches, by example, that aggression is an appropriate way to get what you want. Studies show that children who are hit are more likely to hit their playmates, especially those playmates who are smaller and weaker. The effects of spanking may have a long-term impact as well. Research indicates that, in relation to the severity of physical punishment received, spanked children become more aggressive. As teenagers, they are more likely to hit their parents. As adults, they are more likely to be violent and tolerate violence in their relationships. And finally, people who were physically punished as children are less likely to care for their aging parents.

Although a vast majority of American parents use spanking, I believe most want a better way to respond to their children’s misbehavior. Interestingly, studies of parents who have trained in other methods of child discipline show that once they find effective alternatives, they drop the spanking.

Families do better with methods of limit setting that allow children to keep their sense of dignity, self-esteem, and power. When children are given rules they understand, and a sense of control over their own lives, they are less likely to misbehave in the first place. When they learn to regulate their own negative emotions, parental limit setting and discipline are less frequently needed. And with fair, reliable allies in Mom and Dad, children are more open to mutual problem solving.

IDENTIFY GOALS

Once a parent has listened empathetically to a child, labeled feelings, and set limits on any inappropriate behavior, the next step is usually to identify goals around problem solving. If this doesn’t feel like a logical next step, chances are you’re rushing; your child may still need more time to express her feelings. Should you find yourself in this position, try not to get discouraged. Simply continue encouraging your child to talk. Reflect on what you’re hearing and observing.
Empathize and label. It may help to ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think is making you sad (or angry or anxious)?” “Is it something that happened today?” You can offer your own tentative ideas to help your child name the causes. Eventually your child is likely to reach the point where he says, “Now I know why I’m feeling badly and I know what problem brought about these feelings. What am I going to do about this problem?”

To identify a goal around problem solving, ask your child what he would like to accomplish related to the problem at hand. Often, the answer is simple: He wants to fix a lopsided kite; he wants to answer a confounding math problem. Other situations may require clarification. Following a fight with his sister, for example, he may need to determine whether the best goal is to get revenge, or to find a way to prevent future tussles. And sometimes, it may seem like there’s no solution in sight. Your child’s pet has died. His best friend is moving to another state. He didn’t get the part he really wanted in the school play. In cases like these, your child’s goal may simply be to accept loss or find comfort.

THINK OF POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

Work with your child to come up with options for solving the problem. Parents’ ideas can be a boon—especially for younger kids who often have a hard time generating alternative solutions. It’s important to refrain from taking over, however. If you really want your child to own the outcome, you should encourage her to generate her own ideas.

How best to handle this brainstorming process depends, in large part, on your child’s age. Most kids under age ten are not great abstract thinkers. Consequently, they may have a hard time holding more than one option in mind at a time. Therefore, as soon as the two of you come up with one idea, a child this age is likely to want to try it right away, before considering other alternatives. I remember talking to my daughter, Moriah, when she was four about strategies for handling her fear of “a monster” she encountered in a nightmare. “You could draw a picture of your feelings,” I suggested, and in a flash she was off looking for her crayons. Because you don’t want to squelch such enthusiasm, you may have to try one solution
after another and then ask the child to decide, after the fact, which solution worked best.

Role playing or fantasy play can also be a concrete and handy way to demonstrate alternative solutions to young children. You can use puppets, dolls, or yourself to act out various solutions to a problem. Since young children are often black-and-white thinkers, it may be helpful to pretend two different versions of a situation—one representing the “right” solution, and one representing the “wrong” solution. Two puppets, for example, might be involved in a dispute over a toy. In the first scenario, one puppet grabs the toy from the other without asking. In the second version, one puppet proposes taking turns with the toy.

With older children, you can use a more traditional brainstorming process, where you and your child try to come up with every possible option you can think of. To help creative ideas flow, tell your child from the start that no idea is too silly to consider, and that you won’t start weeding out the list of options until all possibilities are on the table. You can show your child that you take the process seriously by actually writing down all the options the two of you generate.

One technique for encouraging a child’s growth as you generate solutions is to draw relationships between past and future triumphs. You can remind them of a past achievement and then encourage them to visualize themselves trying something new with similar success.