Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (16 page)

I recently had the opportunity to try this out with Moriah when she was having trouble managing her friendships at preschool. She was so troubled by the problem that she didn’t want to go to school that day. I decided that rather than telling her what to do, I’d ask her for her ideas, while offering information to help her think about the situation in new ways. The conversation went something like this:

Moriah
: I don’t want to go to school because when we have to get partners for swimming class, Margaret always wants to be my partner and I’d rather be partners with Polly.

Me
: I can see that this problem really makes you feel frustrated.

Moriah
: Yeah, it’s a bummer.

Me
: What can you do about it?

Moriah
: I don’t know. I like Margaret but I’m just tired of always being her partner. Maybe I could grab Polly’s hand before Margaret asks me to be her partner.

Me
: Good. That’s one idea. You’d have to be really fast, but you could probably do it.

At this point, I felt quite tempted to start jumping in with my own suggestions, but I realized it would be much better for Moriah’s development to hold back and to just keep coaching her, letting her explore the situation from her own perspective and experience. Here’s how the conversation continued:

Me
: Can you think of anything else?

Moriah
: No.

Me
: Okay, well let’s talk about it some more. You have this feeling where you feel bugged and frustrated at school. Can you ever remember feeling that way before?

Moriah
: Yeah. Sort of. Like when Daniel was always pulling my hair.

Me
: I remember that. What did you do about that problem?

Moriah
: I told him I wanted him to stop it. That I was going to tell the teacher if he didn’t.

Me
: Did it work?

Moriah
: Yeah. He stopped doing it.

Me
: Does that remind you of anything you could do in this situation?

Moriah
: Well, maybe I could talk to Margaret and tell her I don’t want to be her partner for a while. I could tell her I still want to be her friend, but I just want to be Polly’s partner sometimes.

Me
: Good. Now you’ve got two solutions. I knew you could come up with some good ideas!

EVALUATE PROPOSED SOLUTIONS BASED ON YOUR FAMILY’S VALUES

This is the time to go over each idea you’ve generated, deciding which to try and which to eliminate. Encourage your child to consider each solution separately, asking the following questions:

“Is this solution fair?”

“Will this solution work?”

“Is it safe?”

“How am I likely to feel? How are other people likely to feel?”

This exercise provides another opportunity to explore with your child the necessity of limits on certain behaviors. Say, for example, that Moriah had suggested staying home from school the day she was having problems with her swimming partner. I could have pointed out that this solution wouldn’t work because Moriah would just have to face the problem the next day. Such conversations also give parents a chance to reinforce the family’s values. I might have said to her: “We believe that it’s better to face your problems rather than trying to hide from them by staying home.” I could also have used this situation to reinforce Moriah’s ethic of kindness: “I’m glad you thought about telling Margaret that you still want to be her friend. I think it’s important to be sensitive to your friend’s feelings.”

HELP YOUR CHILD CHOOSE A SOLUTION

Once you and your child have explored the ramifications of various choices, encourage her to select one or more options and try it.

While you want to encourage kids to think for themselves, this is also a good time to offer your opinions and guidance. Don’t be afraid at this point to tell your child how you handled similar problems when you were young. What did you learn from your experience? What mistakes did you make? What decisions made you feel proud? Teaching your child your values within the context of helping her solve a difficult problem is much more effective than simply laying out abstract concepts that are unrelated to your child’s everyday life.

While you want to help your children make good decisions, keep in mind that children also learn from their mistakes. If your child seems to be veering toward an idea that you know is unworkable but harmless, you may want to let her try it anyway. Then if it fails, encourage her to move on to the next possibility.

Once your child chooses a solution, help her come up with a concrete plan for following through. Say two siblings who have been
squabbling over kitchen chores devise a plan for sharing duty. Encourage them to come up with specific ground rules, designating responsibilities and agreeing on time lines. (Jason does dinner dishes, Joshua does lunch dishes. Then after a week, the two switch.) It’s also a good idea to have a plan for evaluating how the solution is working. The pair can agree, for example, to try out one solution for a month, then to talk about how it’s going and to make changes if needed. In this way, children come to understand that solutions can be works-in-progress, open to refinement.

When children choose a solution to a problem that doesn’t work out, help them analyze why it’s failing. Then you can start problem solving anew. This teaches kids that scrapping one idea does not mean the effort is a total failure. Point out that it’s all part of a learning process and that each adjustment moves them closer to a successful outcome.

Chapter 4

E
MOTION
-C
OACHING
S
TRATEGIES

A
S YOU AND YOUR CHILD USE THE FIVE STEPS OF
E
MOTION
Coaching regularly, both of you probably will become increasingly proficient. You and your child will likely become more aware of feelings and more willing to express them. Your child also may learn to appreciate the benefits of working with an Emotion Coach to solve problems.

This does not mean that Emotion Coaching guarantees smooth sailing, however. Your family is bound to encounter at least a few obstacles. There may be times when you want to be in touch with your child’s emotions, but for any number of reasons, you can’t get a clear signal. There also may be times when, no matter what you say or do, you can’t seem to get your message across to your child. You may feel he’s lost in his own world and you might as well be talking to the wall.

In this chapter, you will find a list of strategies that may prove helpful if such blocks occur in the Emotion-Coaching process. They are based on what my colleagues and I have learned through parent groups, clinical work, and observational studies. I’ve also included a description of common family situations where Emotion Coaching is rarely effective. In these situations, it’s usually best to try other techniques and to postpone Emotion Coaching for another time. And finally, at the end of this chapter, you’ll find a test to help you evaluate and build your Emotion-Coaching skills.

Additional Strategies

AVOID EXCESSIVE CRITICISM, HUMILIATING COMMENTS, OR MOCKING YOUR CHILD

Our research clearly shows that such derogation is destructive to parent-child communication and to children’s self-esteem.

In the lab experiments we conducted with families, we saw parents express such behavior in a variety of ways, such as repeating their children’s comments verbatim in a contemptuous tone. (“I don’t remember the story,” the child would say. “You don’t
remember?”
came the parent’s mocking response.) During the video game exercise, some were overalert to their kids’ mistakes, calling attention to each error, overwhelming their children with a barrage of criticism. Others would push their child’s hands aside and take over the game, demonstrating their belief in their child’s incompetence. In interviews about their children’s emotions, many parents told us they responded to their preschoolers’ tantrums by laughing at them or mocking them.

When we checked in with these same families three years later, we found that the children who experienced such disrespectful, contemptuous behavior from their parents were the same kids who were having more trouble with schoolwork and getting along with friends. These were the kids who had higher levels of stress-related hormones in their bodies. Their teachers reported they were having more behavior problems, and their moms reported they had more illnesses.

This kind of negative, derogatory parenting can be observed in the real world as well as in labs. Minute by minute, well-intentioned parents chip away at their kids’ self-confidence by constantly correcting their manners, deriding their mistakes, and unnecessarily intruding as kids try to perform the simplest tasks. They absentmindedly describe their children with labels that stick like glue to the child’s self-concept. (Bobby is “hyperactive.” Karie is “the quiet one.” Bill is “lazy.” Angie is “our little Puddin’ Head.”) It’s also common to hear parents make jokes for other adults at a child’s expense; or to see parents mock their children’s sadness, using words like, “Don’t be such a baby.”

Obviously, parents who are truly in touch with their kids’ feelings are not as likely to put them down in this way. Still, our studies show that even parents we identified as Emotion Coaches were sometimes derogatory toward their kids without really meaning to be. That’s why I urge all parents to be vigilant against the insidious habits of criticism, sarcasm, and derogation. Be careful that you don’t make fun of your kids. Give them space as they try to learn new skills, even if it means letting them make a few mistakes. Avoid trait labels by talking in terms of specific behaviors, not broad-brush character sketches. Say, “We don’t climb on the furniture at Grandma’s,” rather than, “Quit being such a terror!”

Although some kids can be thick-skinned, none are made of Teflon. Children look to their parents for identity and they tend to believe whatever their parents say about them. If parents degrade or humiliate their kids with jokes, hypercriticism, and intrusiveness, their children will not trust them. And without trust, intimacy is lost, listening is moot, and joint problem solving becomes impossible.

USE “SCAFFOLDING” AND PRAISE TO COACH YOUR CHILD

“Scaffolding” is a technique we observed Emotion-Coaching families using with success to teach their children during the video game lab experiment. Their behavior serves as a stark contrast to that of the overly critical parents described above. First, the Emotion-Coaching families would talk in a slow, calm manner, giving their children just enough information to get started. Then they would wait for the child to do something right and offer her specific—not global—praise for their action. (For example, a father might say, “Good! You’re pushing the button at the just the right time.” This type of focused compliment is much more effective in a teaching situation than broad compliments, such as, “Good! You’ve really got the hang of it now!”) Next, following such praise, the parents would typically add just a little bit more instruction. And finally, the family would repeat the steps, with their children learning the game in increments. We call this teaching technique scaffolding because parents use each small success to boost the child’s confidence, helping her to reach the next level of competence.

In contrast to the overly critical parents described in the section above, the Emotion-Coaching parents rarely used criticism or humiliation to teach their children. Nor did they intrude by taking over the game and playing it themselves.

The slow, calm manner Emotion-Coaching parents typically used while scaffolding can be compared to the way public television’s Mister Rogers talks to children. Contrast this style with another popular TV show for kids,
Sesame Street
. While
Sesame Street
uses witty, flashy characters and a quick pace to grab and maintain children’s attention, Mister Rogers speaks directly to the camera in a measured, gentle pace that’s easy for young children to follow.
Sesame Street’s
rote repetition works to teach children numbers, the alphabet, and such. But Mister Rogers’s quiet manner and soothing tone is more appropriate for teaching young children complex concepts having to do with feelings and behavior.

I GNORE YOUR “PARENTAL AGENDA”

Although emotional moments can be a marvelous opportunity for empathy, bonding, and coaching, they also can present a real challenge for parents who have what I call a “parental agenda”—that is, a goal based on a particular problem the parent has identified as interfering with the child’s best interests. Such agendas often are linked to promoting admirable values such as courage, thriftiness, kindness, and discipline. They can vary from one child to another. Parents may worry that one of their kids is too assertive and the other is too timid. While some children are seen as lazy and undisciplined, others are called too serious, lacking in spontaneity and humor. Regardless of the specific problem, such agendas cause parents to keep a watchful eye on behavior, constantly trying to adjust their children’s course. When conflicts arise over agenda issues, vigilant parents see it as their responsibility—indeed, their moral obligation—to drive home their own points of view: “Because of your forgetfulness, you failed to feed the cat again and that’s cruel.” “Because of your impulsiveness, you spent part of your college savings on concert tickets and that’s foolish.”

I applaud parents who share their values with their children; I believe such teaching is an extremely important part of parenting.
Parents need to be aware, however, that unless parental agendas are communicated sensitively, they can get in the way of a close parent-child relationship. For one, the parental agenda often prevents mothers and fathers from listening empathetically to their kids. When this happens, the agenda can backfire, actually eroding the parent’s ability to influence the child’s decisions. Let me give you an example: Jean, a sensitive and concerned mom in one of our parenting groups, has long been worried about her son, Andrew’s, “gloomy attitude.” She is concerned that the nine-year-old tends to “play the victim” and she worries about how that affects his relationships with others. Consequently, in a short exchange with Andrew about an argument he had with his older sister, Jean’s agenda was to get Andrew to take more personal responsibility for getting along with his sibling.