Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (12 page)

In addition, it also helps to be aware of your different levels of emotional arousal. If you find that you’re mad, but you can continue to talk rationally to your child, leading to some degree of understanding, stay engaged. Tell your child what’s on your mind, listen to his response, and keep talking. If, on the other hand, you find that you’re so intensely angry that you can’t think clearly, take a break from the situation and return to it later when you feel less aroused. Parents should also retreat if they feel they’re on the verge of doing or saying destructive things, such as hitting or insulting their kids. Spanking, sarcasm, threats, derogatory statements, or expressions of contempt should definitely be avoided. (For more on spanking, see
page 103
.) Rather than hitting children or lobbing hurtful comments at them, parents should take a breather, promising
they’ll return to the discussion when they can be calmer.

If you feel you are at risk for seriously hurting your child physically or psychologically, you should seek professional counseling. Your health-care provider or a local crisis hotline can give you referrals.

Finally, parents who fear losing control might do well to remember the healing power of forgiveness. All parents make mistakes from time to time, losing their tempers with their children, saying or doing things they later regret. From about age four, children can understand the concept of “I’m sorry.” So don’t miss the chance to go back and repair an interaction when you feel remorse. Tell your child how you were feeling at the time of the incident and how you felt afterward. This can be a positive example to your child of how to handle feelings of regret and sorrow. Perhaps your child can even help you brainstorm solutions that will help both of you prevent future misunderstandings and conflicts.

Keep in mind also that kids generally crave intimacy and warmth with their parents. It’s in their best interest to heal the relationship. They give their parents lots of second chances. Remember also that such forgiveness is a two-way street. It works best in families where children are allowed to be in crummy moods from time to time, where parents openly forgive their children as well.

While building emotional self-awareness can be a lifelong process, parents may see positive results from new insights right away. A mother who finally gives herself permission to get angry is in a much better position to allow her son to have the same feeling. Once a father can acknowledge his own sadness, he’s far more capable of listening to his son’s or daughter’s sadness.

E
MOTIONAL
A
WARENESS
S
ELF
-T
EST

The following test is designed to help you take a look at your own emotional life, how you permit yourself to experience anger and sadness, and how you feel about emotion in general. There are no right or wrong answers here, but the scoring key at the end will help you gauge your level of emotional awareness. Understanding this aspect of yourself can give you insights into why you react as you do to other people’s emotions, and particularly to your child’s emotions.

A
NGER

Start by taking a look at the most recent past, say, the last few weeks of your life. Think about the things you find stressful, and that cause you to feel frustrated, irritated, or angry. Also, think about people in your life who seem to be responding to you with impatience, frustration, anger, or irritation. Consider the thoughts, images, and basic feelings you have when faced with these angry, stressful emotions in others and in yourself. Read each of the following statements, which were all taken from statements made by people in our research studies. See how much you agree with them. Then circle the response that fits best.

T = True F = False DK = Don’t Know

1
. I feel many different kinds of anger.
T F DK

2
. I am either calm or I blow up in anger, there’s not much in between.
T F DK

3
. People can tell when I am even a little irritated.
T F DK

4
. I can tell way in advance of getting angry that I am on the nasty or grumpy side.
T F DK

5
. In others I can detect even small signs that people are angry.
T F DK

6
. Anger is toxic.
T F DK

7
. When I get angry, I feel like I am chewing on something, clenching my jaw on it, biting it, and gnashing it.
T F DK

8
. I can feel cues of my anger in my body.
T F DK

9
. Feelings are private. I try not to express them.
T F DK

10
. I experience anger as getting physically very hot.
T F DK

11
. For me, feeling angry is like building up steam, increasing the pressure.
T F DK

12
. For me, getting angry is like blowing off steam, letting go of the pressure.
T F DK

13
. For me, getting angry is like the pressure building and building and not letting up.
T F DK

14
. Getting angry makes me feel like I’m about to lose control.
T F DK

15
. When I get angry it tells people that they can’t push me around.
T F DK

16
. Anger is my way of getting serious and stern.
T F DK

17
. Anger gives me energy; it’s a motivation to tackle things and not be defeated by them.
T F DK

18
. I keep my anger suppressed and inside.
T F DK

19
. My view is that if you suppress anger, you court disaster.
T F DK

20
. In my view, anger is natural, like clearing your throat.
T F DK

21
. For me, anger is like something’s on fire, like something is going to explode.
T F DK

22
. Anger, like fire, can consume you.
T F DK

23
. I just ride out anger until it melts away.
T F DK

24
. I see anger as destruction.
T F DK

25
. I see anger as uncivilized.
T F DK

26
. I see anger as drowning.
T F DK

27
. To me there’s not much difference between anger and aggression.
T F DK

28
. I think that a child’s anger is bad and ought to be punished.
T F DK

29
. The energy from anger has to go somewhere. You might as well express it.
T F DK

30
. Anger gives you drive, energy.
T F DK

31
. For me, anger and hurt go together. When I am angry, it’s because I have been hurt.
T F DK

32
. For me, anger and fear go together. When I am angry, deep down there’s an insecurity.
T F DK

33
. When you get angry, you put yourself in a position where you feel like you’ve got power; you feel like you’re standing up for yourself.
T F DK

34
. Anger is mostly impatience.
T F DK

35
. I cope with being angry just by letting time pass.
T F DK

36
. For me anger means helplessness and frustration.
T F DK

37
. I keep my anger bottled up.
T F DK

38
. It is shameful for people to see you angry.
T F DK

39
. Anger is okay if it is controlled.
T F DK

40
. I would say that when people get angry, it’s like they are dumping waste on others.
T F DK

41
. Getting rid of anger is like expelling something very unpleasant from my body.
T F DK

42
. I find the expression of emotions embarrassing.
T F DK

43
. If a person were healthy there would be no anger.
T F DK

44
. Anger implies engagement or contact.
T F DK

S
ADNESS

Now think about recent times when you felt sad, downhearted, or dejected. Think about people in your life who have expressed feelings of sadness, depression, or melancholia. What thoughts, images, and basic feelings come to mind when you think about the expression of these sad emotions by yourself and by others? Read each of the following statements about sadness and circle the answer that best describes your response.

1
. Overall, I would have to say that sadness is toxic.
T F DK

2
. Sadness is like illness and getting over sadness is like recovering from a disease.
T F DK

3
. When I’m sad, I want to be alone.
T F DK

4
. I feel lots of varieties of sadness.
T F DK

5
. I can tell when I am even just a little bit sad.
T F DK

6
. I can tell when other people are even just a small bit blue.
T F DK

7
. My body gives me signals loud and clear that I am going to have a sad day.
T F DK

8
. I view sadness as productive. It lets you know to slow down.
T F DK

9
. I think sadness is good for you. It can tell you what’s missing in your life.
T F DK

10
. Sadness is a natural part of feeling loss and grief.
T F DK

11
. Sadness is okay if it is over quickly.
T F DK

12
. Attending to sadness is cleansing.
T F DK

13
. Sadness is useless.
T F DK

14
. There is no such thing as “a good cry.”
T F DK

15
. Sadness is not something that should be wasted on small things.
T F DK

16
. Sadness is there for a reason.
T F DK

17
. Sadness means weakness.
T F DK

18
. Sadness means you can feel or empathize.
T F DK

19
. Feeling sad is feeling helpless and/or hopeless.
T F DK

20
. It is useless to talk to people if you’re feeling sad.
T F DK

21
. I sometimes have a good cry.
T F DK

22
. Being sad makes me afraid.
T F DK

23
. Showing people you are sad means a loss of control.
T F DK

24
. If you can maintain control, sadness can be a pleasure.
T F DK

25
. It is best not to show people your sadness.
T F DK

26
. Sadness is like being violated.
T F DK

27
. People should be alone when sad, like quarantined.
T F DK

28
. Acting happy is an antidote to sadness.
T F DK

29
. One emotion can be converted to another with enough thought.
T F DK

30
. I try to get over sadness quickly.
T F DK

31
. Sadness makes you reflect.
T F DK

32
. A child’s sadness reflects a negative trait.
T F DK

33
. It’s best not to react at all to a child’s sadness.
T F DK

34
. Sometimes when I’m sad, what I feel is self-loathing.
T F DK

35
. In my view, emotions are always there; they’re a part of life.
T F DK

36
. To be in control means to be upbeat, positive, not sad.
T F DK

37
. Feelings are private, not public.
T F DK

38
. If you are emotional with children you might get out of control and become abusive.
T F DK