Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (11 page)

And if Bob listens—
really
listens with an open heart—perhaps William will come up with a different assessment of himself. The conversation might continue like this:

William
: “Tom and Patrick won’t let me play basketball with them.”

Bob
: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings.”

William
: “Yeah it did. It made me mad, too.”

Bob
: “I can see that.”

William
: “There’s no reason why I can’t shoot baskets with them.”

Bob
: “Did you talk to them about it?”

William
: “Nah, I don’t want to.”

Bob
: “What do you want to do?”

William
: “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just blow it off.”

Bob
: “You think that’s a better idea?”

William
: “Yeah, ‘cuz they’ll probably change their minds tomorrow. I think I’ll call one of my friends from school, or read a book. Maybe I’ll watch some TV.”

The difference, of course, is empathy. In both scenarios, Bob is concerned about his son’s feelings. Perhaps he’s been worried for a long time that William is “oversensitive” to his playmates’ rejections; he wants his son to get tougher. In the first scenario, however, Bob makes the common mistake of letting his own goals for William get in the way. Instead of empathizing, he criticizes, gives a mini-lecture, offers unsolicited advice. As a result, his well-intended efforts backfire. William walks away feeling more hurt, further misunderstood, and more like a wimp than ever.

By contrast, Bob in the second scenario takes time to listen to his son, makes it clear that he understands William’s experience. This helps William feel more comfortable, more sure of himself. In the end William comes up with the same solutions his father might have offered (find another playmate, go read a book, etc.). But the boy owns the solutions and walks away tougher, with his self-respect intact.

That’s how empathy works. When we seek to understand our children’s experience, they feel supported. They know we’re on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals—they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel. They offer their opinions. Their motivations become less mysterious, which in turn leads to further understanding. Our children begin to trust us. Then, when conflicts crop up, we’ve got some common ground for solving problems together. Our kids may even risk brainstorming solutions with us. Indeed, the day may come when they are willing to actually hear our suggestions!

If I have made the concept of empathy sound simple, that’s because it is. Empathy is simply the ability to put yourself in your child’s shoes and respond accordingly. Just because empathy is a simple concept, however, doesn’t mean it’s always easy to practice.

In the following pages, you’ll read about the five steps of Emotion Coaching, steps parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children, enhancing the children’s emotional intelligence. As mentioned in
Chapter 1
, these steps include:

1
. Being aware of the child’s emotion;

2
. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;

3
. Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings;

4
. Helping the child verbally label emotions; and

5
. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.

In
Chapter 4
you’ll find additional strategies for Emotion Coaching, as well as descriptions of common parenting situations in which Emotion Coaching is not appropriate. In addition, you’ll find two self-tests in the following pages—one in this chapter that gauges your emotional awareness and another in
Chapter 4
to test your skills as an Emotion Coach.

S
TEP
N
O
. 1: B
EING
A
WARE OF THE
C
HILD’S
E
MOTIONS

O
UR STUDIES SHOW
that for parents to feel what their children are feeling, they must be aware of emotions, first in themselves and then in their kids. But what does it mean to become “emotionally aware”? Does it mean “wearing your heart on your sleeve”? Letting your guard down? Revealing parts of yourself you’d just as soon keep under wraps? If so, naturally reserved or stoic fathers may wonder what’s to become of the cool, masculine image they’ve been perfecting since junior high school. Will they suddenly be expected to cry at Disney movies, to hug the other dads after soccer matches? Mothers who struggle to be patient and kind under stress may worry as well. What happens when you focus on feelings of resentment or anger? Do you nag and complain and rage at your kids? Do you lose their affection and loyalty?

In truth, our research shows that people can be emotionally aware—and thus well equipped for Emotion Coaching—without being highly expressive, without feeling as if they are losing control. Emotional awareness simply means that you recognize when you are feeling an emotion, you can identify your feelings, and you are sensitive to the presence of emotions in other people.

HOW GENDER AFFECTS EMOTIONAL AWARENESS

A person’s comfort expressing emotion is partly influenced by cultural factors. Cross-cultural studies have demonstrated that Italian and Latino people, for example, are generally more outwardly passionate or expressive; that Japanese and Scandinavian people are more inhibited and stoic. Such cultural influences do not affect a person’s ability to
feel
, however. Just because people are not overt in their expressions of affection, anger, or sadness does not mean that they do not experience such feelings internally. Nor does it mean they are incapable of recognizing and responding to such emotions in others. Certainly, people from all cultural backgrounds have the capacity to be sensitive to their children’s feelings.

American men grow up in a culture that discourages them from
showing emotion. Although popular mythology often casts men as unfeeling brutes, oblivious to the feelings of their partners and children, psychological research tells a different story. Studies conducted in our lab and at other institutions show that despite differences in the way men and women
express
emotion, the two sexes experience feelings in much the same way.

To find out if one gender
is more empathetic than the other, my colleagues and I videotaped couples discussing an area of conflict in their marriage. We then asked each partner to review their tape and to tell us how they remembered feeling while the conversation was going on. To track their responses, we had them use a calibrated dial to rate emotional states from negative to positive. When they saw passages where they remembered feeling sad or angry, for example, they turned the dial to “negative”; when they saw passages that made them happy, they turned it to “positive.” We then ran the tape again and asked them to rate the way they believed their spouse was feeling during the same conversation. By comparing the two ratings, we were able to determine how accurately each partner tracked the emotional experience of the other. Surprisingly, we found that husbands are just as skilled as wives at knowing what their spouses feel minute by minute. When we invited third parties to view the tapes and rate them, we found that male and female outsiders are equally adept at tracking people’s emotional response. In addition, we discovered that people who can most accurately tune in to others’ emotions have physiological responses that mimic the people they are observing. In other words, when the taped subjects’ heart rates increased in response to anger, the most empathetic observers experienced a similar acceleration in heart rate. It didn’t matter whether the observers were male or female; tuned-in participants of both genders had similarly empathetic physical responses.

If men are just as capable of empathizing and responding to emotion as women, why, then, do people so commonly believe that men are unfeeling? The answer is clear. While men and women have a similar internal experience of emotion, men tend to hide their emotions from the outside world. We found that women in our studies were much freer at expressing their feelings in words, facial expressions, and body language. Men were more likely to hold back, cover up, and discount their feelings.

One theory holds that men do this because they are socialized for toughness and wary of the consequences of “losing control.” Indeed, some men take on such a distorted sense of masculine defensiveness that they shut themselves off completely from any awareness of emotional experience. I believe that such extreme cases represent a small percentage of the male population—perhaps less than 10 percent.

Although reluctance to face emotion has important implications for men’s family relationships, it does
not
disqualify men from being good Emotion Coaches. Research shows that most men have what it takes on the inside: They are internally aware of their feelings; they have the ability to recognize and respond to their children’s emotions; they are capable of empathy. For most men, becoming emotionally aware is not a matter of picking up new skills; it is a matter of granting themselves permission to experience what’s already there.

WHEN PARENTS FEEL OUT OF CONTROL

Permission to feel may also be an issue for parents who are afraid of losing control of negative emotions such as anger, sadness, and fear. Such parents avoid acknowledging their anger, in particular, for fear that things will only get out of hand. They may be afraid of alienating their children or that their children might copy their emotional style, spinning out of control themselves. Such parents may also fear hurting their children physically or psychologically.

In our studies, parents who felt out of control with an emotion generally showed one or more of the following characteristics:

• They have the emotion (anger, sadness, or fear) frequently.

• They believe they feel it too intensely.

• They have trouble calming down after experiencing intense feelings.

• They become disorganized and have trouble functioning when they have the emotion.

• They hate the way they behave when they are having the emotion.

• They are always on guard against the feeling.

• They find themselves acting neutral (calm, understanding, sympathetic), but it’s only an act.

• They believe the feeling is destructive and even immoral.

• They feel they need help with the emotion.

Such moms and dads may try to compensate for their fear of losing control by being “super-parents,” hiding their emotions from their children. (These same parents may display a great deal of anger toward their spouses, however—feelings that their children are likely to witness.) By trying to conceal their anger, such parents often ignore or dismiss emotional moments with their kids. The irony is that by hiding their emotions, these parents may be raising youngsters who are even less capable of handling negative emotions than they would have been if their parents had learned to let their feelings show in a nonabusive way. That’s because the kids grow up emotionally distant from their parents. Also, the children have one less role model to teach them how to handle difficult emotions effectively.

One example is Sophie, a woman I met through our parenting groups. Raised by alcoholic parents, she suffered the low self-esteem common to people in that circumstance. Deeply religious, Sophie came to believe that the way to rise above her upbringing and become a good parent was through a kind of martyrdom and unbridled kindness. Constant self-denial often left her struggling against feelings of resentment and frustration, however. She tried to quash these emotions whenever they came up, chiding herself for being selfish. But she could never eradicate the “selfish” feelings completely. Under stress, she sometimes “flew off the handle,” becoming uncharacteristically harsh toward her kids, meting out irrational punishments. “I knew my tantrums were bad for them,” she says, “but I didn’t know how to stop. It was like I had two speeds—nice and mean—and I didn’t have any control over the switch.”

It wasn’t until Sophie’s son got into trouble at school for his own tantrums that she went for counseling. That’s when she began to see how her attitude toward emotion was actually harming her kids. By always denying her feelings, she had given her children no model for handling negative emotions that naturally surface in family
life—feelings like anger, resentment, and jealousy. Still, changing her ways has not been easy. She’s had to learn to focus consciously on thoughts and feelings that she previously considered “self-centered” or “narcissistic”—even “sinful.” But by doing so, she can now take care of her needs before she becomes overwhelmed and loses her temper. She’s also beginning to see how getting in touch with her own negative feelings might help her to be a better guide for her children when they’re feeling angry, sad, or fearful. “It’s kind of like the safety instructions they give on airplanes,” she explains. “You’ve got to get the oxygen in place for yourself first before you can help your child.”

What can parents who fear losing control do to feel more capable of engaging with their children concerning emotional issues? First, remember that it’s okay to express anger if your child does something that makes you mad. The key is to express your feelings in ways that are not destructive to your relationship. By doing so, you are demonstrating two things: (1) Strong feelings can be expressed and managed, and (2) Your child’s behavior really matters to you. You can use your anger to demonstrate passion and sincerity, so long as you communicate respectfully. Our research shows it’s best to avoid sarcasm, contempt, and derogatory comments toward your child, all of which are linked to low self-esteem in children. It’s also better to focus on your child’s actions rather than his character. Make your comments specific and tell your child how his actions affect you.