Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (7 page)

3, 4, 5, 8, 10, 11, 20, 21, 22, 41, 42, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61,63,65,69, 70.

Divide the total by 23. This is your
Disapproving
score.

Laissez-Faire
:

Add up the number of times you said “true” for the following items:

26, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 52, 53.

Divide the total by 10. This is your
Laissez-Faire
score.

Emotion-Coaching
:

Add up the number of times you said “true” for the following items:

16, 23, 27, 29, 30, 31, 32, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 51, 64, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 79, 81.

Divide the total by 23. This is your
Emotion-Coaching
score.

Now compare your four scores. The higher you scored in any one area, the more you tend toward that style of parenting. Then look at
the bulleted lists on
pages 50–52,
which summarize behaviors typical of each parenting style and explain how each style affects children.

Following the lists, you’ll find deeper descriptions of each of the various styles. Most of these profiles were taken from our research interviews with parents of children ages four or five, and from stories told by mothers and fathers in parenting groups I’ve conducted based on this research. As you read, think about interactions with your own children, noting those that seem similar or different from your style of parenting. You may also want to think about childhood experiences with your own parents. Such memories may be helpful in assessing your strengths and weaknesses as a mom or dad. Think about the way emotions were perceived in the house where you grew up. What was your family’s philosophy of emotion? Did they treat sad and angry moments as natural occurrences? Did they lend an ear when family members felt unhappy, fearful, or angry? Did they use such moments to show each other support, offer guidance, and help one another solve problems? Or was anger always viewed as potentially destructive, fear as cowardly, sadness as self-pitying? Were feelings concealed or dismissed as unproductive, frivolous, dangerous, or self-indulgent?

Keep in mind that many families have a mixed philosophy of emotion; that is, their attitude toward emotional expression may vary depending on what emotion is being expressed. Parents may believe, for example, that it’s fine to be sad once in a while, but expressions of anger are inappropriate or dangerous. On the other hand, they may value anger in their children because they see it as assertiveness, but they think of fear or sadness as cowardly or babyish. In addition, families may hold different family members to different standards. Some may believe, for example, that it’s okay for a son to show his temper and for a daughter to be depressed, but not vice versa.

If, after reading about the different styles of parenting, you identify aspects of your relationship with your child that you’d like to change, you’ll probably find the advice in
Chapter 3
helpful. This chapter offers detailed information about the five steps that constitute Emotion Coaching.

Four Styles of Parenting

THE DISMISSING PARENT

• treats child’s feelings as unimportant, trivial

• disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings

• wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly

• characteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotions

• may ridicule or make light of a child’s emotions

• believes children’s feelings are irrational, and therefore don’t count

• shows little interest in what the child is trying to communicate

• may lack awareness of emotions in self and others

• feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt, or overwhelmed by the child’s emotions

• fears being out-of-control emotionally

• focuses more on how to get over emotions than on the meaning of the emotion itself

• believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic

• believes focusing on negative emotions will “just make matters worse”

• feels uncertain about what to do with the child’s emotions

• sees the child’s emotions as a demand to fix things

• believes negative emotions mean the child is not well adjusted

• believes the child’s negative emotions reflect badly on their parents

• minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion

• does not problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems

Effects of this style on children: They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid. They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel. They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions.

THE DISAPPROVING PARENT

• displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way

• judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression

• is overaware of the need to set limits on their children

• emphasizes conformity to good standards or behavior

• reprimands, disciplines, or punishes the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not

• believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited

• believes negative emotions need to be controlled

• believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits

• believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles

• believes emotions make people weak; children must be emotionally tough for survival

• believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time

• sees negative emotions (especially sadness) as a commodity that should not be squandered

• is concerned with the child’s obedience to authority

Effects of this style on children: Same as the Disapproving style.

THE LAISSEZ - FAIRE PARENT

• freely accepts all emotional expression from the child

• offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings

• offers little guidance on behavior

• does not teach the child about emotions

• is permissive; does not set limits

• does not help children solve problems

• does not teach problem-solving methods to the child

• believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out

• believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of hydraulics; release the emotion and the work is done

Effects of this style on children: They don’t learn to regulate their emotions; they have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, getting along with other children.

THE EMOTION COACH

• values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy

• can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion

• is aware of and values his or her own emotions

• sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting

• is sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when they are subtle

• is not confused or anxious about the child’s emotional expression; knows what needs to be done

• respects the child’s emotions

• does not poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative feelings

• does not say how the child should feel

• does not feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child

• uses emotional moments as a time to

—listen to the child

—empathize with soothing words and affection

—help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling

—offer guidance on regulating emotions

—set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions

—teach problem-solving skills

Effects of this style on children: They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems. They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others.

T
HE
D
ISMISSING
P
ARENT

R
OBERT WOULD PROBABLY
be surprised to hear himself described as a Dismissing parent. After all, in interviews with our research staff, it was obvious that he adores his daughter Heather and spends a great deal of time with her. Whenever she’s sad, he does his best to “pamper her,” he says. “I carry her around and ask her if she needs anything. ‘Do you want to watch television? Can I get you a movie? Do you want to go outside and play?’ I just work with her to see if I can correct things.”

One thing Robert doesn’t do, however, is to confront his child’s sadness head-on. He doesn’t ask questions like, “How do you feel, Heather? Are you kind of sad today?” That’s because he believes that focusing on uncomfortable feelings is like watering weeds. It just makes them grow bigger and more noxious. Like many parents, he fears that feelings of anger or sadness can take over your life, something he doesn’t want for himself, and something he certainly doesn’t want for his precious daughter.

I have observed many Dismissing parents like Robert, both in my research and in everyday life. Perhaps the most publicized recent example is the mother of Jessica Dubroff, the seven-year-old whose single-engine Cessna crashed in April 1996, during her attempt to be the youngest pilot to fly across the United States. According to
The New York Times
, Jessica’s mother did not let her daughter use negative words like “scared,” “fear,” and “sadness.” “Children are fearless,” she told reporters. “That’s their natural state until adults ingrain fear in them.” Following her daughter’s fatal accident, the mother told
Time
magazine, “I know what people want. Tears. But I will not do that. Emotion is unnatural. There is something untruthful about it.”

Whether Jessica or her flight instructor was in control of the plane when it crashed after taking off into a Wyoming thunderstorm may never be determined. But perhaps if the child had been allowed to express fear—an emotion that prevented seasoned pilots from taking off during that same storm—adults around Jessica would have stopped and questioned the wisdom of their actions. Perhaps the tragedy might have been avoided.

Shutting the door on negative feelings is a pattern of behavior
many Dismissing parents learned in childhood. Some, like Jim, were raised in violent households. Jim remembers his parents’ arguments thirty years ago, and how he and his siblings would scatter to separate rooms, each quietly struggling to cope. They were never allowed to talk about their parents’ problems or how they were feeling because to do so would risk more of their father’s rage. And now that Jim’s married and has his own children, he continues to duck and cover whenever there’s a hint of conflict or emotional pain. He’s even found it hard to talk to his six-year-old son about problems the boy has been having with a schoolyard bully. Jim would like to be closer to his son, listening to his troubles and helping him work out solutions, but he’s had little practice talking about matters of the heart. Consequently, he rarely initiates such conversations, and his son, sensing his dad’s discomfort, isn’t about to bring up such matters either.

Adults who were raised by needy or neglectful parents may also have problems facing their kids’ emotions. Accustomed to taking a rescuer role since childhood, these parents assume too much personal responsibility for fixing their children’s every hurt, righting every injustice. It’s a superhuman job that soon becomes overwhelming; parents lose perspective about what their children really need. One mom in our studies, for example, appeared mystified and distraught with her inability to soothe her preschooler after he had broken his favorite toy tractor. If she couldn’t fix the trinket—i.e., make the world perfect for him again—she wasn’t sure how to help him with his sadness. All she heard in his sadness was the demand that she make the world better. She didn’t hear his need for comfort and understanding.

Over time, such parents may begin to see all their kids’ expressions of sadness or anger as impossible demands. Feeling frustrated or manipulated, these parents react by disregarding or minimizing their children’s distress. They try to shrink the problem down to size, encapsulate it, and put it away so it can be forgotten.

“If Jeremy comes in and says one of his friends took his toy, I just say, ‘Well, don’t worry about it; he’ll bring it back,’” explains Tom, a dad we studied. “Or if he says, This kid hit me,’ I say, ‘It was probably an accident.’… I want to teach him to roll with the punches and get on with his life.”

Jeremy’s mom, Mariann, says she takes a similar attitude toward her son’s sadness. “I give him ice cream to cheer him up, make him forget about it,” she says. Mariann voices a belief common among Dismissing parents: Children are not supposed to be sad, and if they are, something is psychologically amiss with the child or with the parents. “When Jeremy is sad it makes me sad because you want to think that your kids are happy and well adjusted,” she says. “I just don’t want to see him upset. I want him to be happy all the time.”