Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (30 page)

Play sessions for children this age usually work best in pairs. That’s because four- to seven-year-olds often have a hard time figuring out how to manage more than one relationship at a time. As a parent, you may find this troubling, especially if you witness two children rejecting a third who tries to join the play. But it helps to keep in mind that the children’s rejection isn’t necessarily based in meanness. They simply want to protect the play they have managed to establish as a pair. Unable to express this in any terms that the third child would understand or accept (“I’m sorry, Billy, but the pair is the largest social unit we can handle at this point in our development”), the children usually resort to cruder, harsher tactics, like saying, “Go away, Billy. You’re not our friend anymore!” Some children may do this with their parents as well, telling one, “Go away, Daddy! I don’t love you anymore. I only love Mama!” What the child actually means is she was enjoying the intimacy she had established in the moment with mom. This being the case, dad should not take the snubbing to heart. Indeed, small children can be quite fickle. It’s not unusual for two children to reject a third, only to switch gears and regroup moments later, now welcoming the rejected child into a new game or activity.

So what’s the best way to react when you see your child excluding a third from play? I recommend offering the child some guidance on how to manage her social relationships graciously, especially if you think it’s important to instill values of kindness and sensitivity for others’ feelings. You might suggest simple words she can use to explain the situation to the third child. For example, she could say, “I only want to play with Jennifer right now. But I hope that you and I can play together later on.”

If your child is the one who is being excluded, it’s important to acknowledge your child’s feelings, particularly if he or she is feeling sad or angry about the situation. Then you can help your child come up with ways to solve the problem, whether that means inviting another child to play, or finding something enjoyable to do alone. The conversation between Megan and her mother on
page 95
provides an example of a parent who uses Emotion-Coaching skills to handle this situation effectively.

In addition to teaching important social skills, friendships among
small children also invite fantasy play, allowing kids to soar to the heights of creativity, creating characters and acting out dramas at the same time. Young friends often use fantasy to help one another work through perplexing problems and to deal with the stresses of daily life. This suggests that pretend play facilitates the child’s emotional development by helping them to access suppressed feelings in much the same way adults might use visualization or hypnosis. My former student Laurie Kramer discovered, for example, that
fantasy play with another child
was the best aid in helping a youngster adjust to the birth of a new sibling. By having their playmates take on the role of the newborn, the new “big brothers” and “big sisters” in her study were able to explore a wide range of feelings toward the baby, all the way from hostility to tenderness. In the parental role, they got the chance to play with the baby, teach it, scold it, and nurture it.

I have witnessed children in other studies as well reveal an amazing depth of feeling through fantasy play. We saw one small girl playing house turn to her playmate and say, “We don’t have to take naps all the time like my mama and Jimmy (her mother’s new boyfriend) do. We’re not tired like they are.” Then a little bit later, the child’s friend asked, “What does your mama say when she closes the door?” The girl replied, “She says, ‘Don’t come in here.’” Not understanding why her mother excluded her, she added, “She doesn’t want me around. She doesn’t love me.”

Knowing that fantasy can provide a door to a small child’s thoughts and worries, Emotion-Coaching parents can use pretend play as a way to connect with their children at this age. Children commonly project ideas, wishes, frustrations and fears onto an object such as a doll or other toy. Parents can encourage the exploration of feelings and offer reassurances by simply reflecting on the lines the child’s toy delivers, by taking on the role of another toy, or both. Here’s a sample conversation. Notice how easily the parent uses the child’s fantasy projection as part of the exchange:

Child
: This bear is an orphan because its parents didn’t want it anymore.

Dad
: The bear’s mom and dad just left?

Child
: Yeah they went away.

Dad
: Are they coming back?

Child
: Never.

Dad
: Why did they go away?

Child
: The bear was bad.

Dad
: What did he do?

Child
: He got mad at the mama bear.

Dad
: I think it’s okay to get mad sometimes. She will come back.

Child
: Yeah. Here she comes now.

Dad
(picking up another bear and speaking in the voice of the mama bear): I just had to go take out the garbage. Now I’m back.

Child
: Hi, Mommy!

Dad
: You were mad but that’s okay. Sometimes I get mad, too.

Child
: I know it.

Encouraging children to pretend is a real skill, but once learned, it can be practiced in simple and fruitful ways. For example, your child may be wishing he was bigger and stronger, so he might say, “I used to be very little, but now I can lift the side of the couch. Did you know Superman can even fly?” It’s almost as if the child is asking for permission to become Superman to explore such feelings of power and confidence. You can do your part to encourage the fantasy simply by saying, “Pleased to meet you, Superman. Are you going to fly now?”

Children may also intersperse conversations about real-life situations while playing pretend games with you. Don’t be surprised if, in the midst of some Barbie doll or Power Ranger fantasy, your child suddenly says something like, “I’m afraid to stay with that baby-sitter again.” Or, “How old am I going to be when I die?”

Although the genesis of such ideas may remain a mystery to you, it’s obvious that something in the play has stirred up an emotion the child would like to share. The intimacy and spontaneity of pretend play has made her feel safe and close to you, so she lets this sensitive matter rise to the surface. Because she has suspended the pretend play momentarily to explore the emotion, it’s probably best for you to suspend play as well, and to have a heart-to-heart talk about the fear she is experiencing.

One reason fantasy play is so popular among four- to seven-year-olds probably has to do with its utility in helping kids cope with a
multitude of anxieties likely to peak in early childhood. While the number of fears young children face may seem endless, they are actually all based on a small set of factors:

F
EAR OF
P
OWERLESSNESS
. I once overheard two five-year-olds discuss “all the things in the world that can kill you.” They talked about “robbers, evil people, monsters,” and their most dreaded fear of all—“the shark.” They discussed all the ways they could destroy these scary things. Then they talked about how they used to be afraid of “silly things like the dark” when they were “babies.” But now that they were big, the boys boasted, they were no longer frightened by such foolishness.

This conversation reminded me that even if we could somehow shield children from awareness of all the dangers that really exist in the world, they would invent their own monsters. That’s because such fantasies help them cope with their natural feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability. While children are repelled and frightened by the power of monsters, they like to imagine conquering the things they fear. This helps them feel more powerful, less vulnerable.

Emotion-Coaching parents can do their part to help kids feel more powerful as well. As with toddlers, young children grow in self-esteem when they are given choices about what to wear, what to eat, how to play, and so forth. Another important strategy is to allow kids the autonomy to do the things they are ready to do. Whether they are learning to wash their hair or play a new computer game, children need their parents to offer encouragement and guidance without being intrusive. If your child get frustrated trying to tie his own shoe, for example, resist the urge to take over, a move that conveys your belief in the child’s incompetence. Instead, offer words of understanding such as, “Long laces can be tricky sometimes.” Then, even if the child ends up needing your assistance, you have acknowledged that you understand what he is experiencing.

F
EAR OF ABANDONMENT
. There is a natural reason why children this age are fascinated with stories like
Snow White
, where a father dies and leaves his daughter to the fate of a wicked stepmother, or
Oliver Twist
, where a youngster must fend for himself as an orphan, beggar, and thief. Such stories articulate a fear common to most children this age, that they could someday be abandoned.

Because this fear is so real and pervasive to children, I discourage parents from using it as a way to threaten, discipline, or even “joke” with their children. Whenever you hear your children expressing such fears, you can use your Emotion-Coaching skills to acknowledge their feelings. Reassure them that you will always see to it that their needs are met and that they will be loved and well cared for.

F
EAR OF THE DARK
. To children, the dark may represent the great unknown, the place where all their fears and monsters lie. With maturity, children learn that darkness need not be so frightening. But at this age, it’s perfectly reasonable for kids to seek the comfort of light and the knowledge that you are nearby and accessible if needed.

Let go of the idea that a child needs to be made tougher by denying his fear of the dark. I know one dad who would not give in to his son’s request for a light because he worried that the boy was becoming “a wimp.” After several nights, however, the father sensed that his son was becoming even more anxious. In addition to his fear of the dark, the boy became worried about losing his dad’s approval. He also became afraid that lying awake at night would leave him unable to function in school the next day. In time, the dad relented, installed a night light, and now the whole family is sleeping more peacefully.

F
EAR OF BAD DREAMS
. Nightmares are naturally frightening for most every child, but they can be especially scary to young children, who have trouble distinguishing such dreams from reality. If your child wakes up crying from a dream, try holding him and talking to him about the dream, explaining that it wasn’t real. Stay with him until he calms down, offering him reassurances that the bad images are gone and that he is safe and secure.

In addition, children may be helped by hearing stories that explain the concepts of dreams and sleep.
One particularly fine book
is
Annie Stories
, by Doris Brett, who devised tales to help her daughter cope with nightmares. In it, Annie tells her mother about a mean tiger who has been chasing her in her dreams. The mother gives Annie an invisible magic dream ring to take with her to sleep. Then, when the tiger begins to chase Annie again, the girl remembers her ring and confronts the tiger. Finding out the tiger only wants to be her friend, Annie now has an ally with whom she can face her other fears.

When I told my own daughter, Moriah, the Annie stories, she decided to rename the main character Moriah, Later, I found her in the bathroom, standing on the toilet so she could tell herself the stories in the mirror. The strong fear she had about her nightmares changed very quickly after this. She still had them occasionally, but they were no longer so terrifying to her.

F
EAR OF PARENTAL CONFLICT
. As we discussed in
Chapter 5
, parental conflict can be very upsetting to children, who often sense that arguments between their folks may jeopardize their own security. As they grow older and become more aware of the consequences of parental fighting, children may also fear that their parents’ conflict will lead to separation and divorce. In addition, children often take responsibility for the conflict, believing the problems are their fault. They may come to believe they have the power to solve the conflict; that it is their job to keep the family together.

Parents should remember, then, to keep kids from getting too involved in conflicts between mom and dad (see
Chapter 5
). Also, when your children witness an argument between you and your partner, help them by showing them the resolution to the conflict as well. As the work of psychologist E. Mark Cummings shows,
young children may not understand
verbal resolutions very well, but they can be comforted by seeing mom and dad share a genuine hug of forgiveness.

F
EAR OF DEATH
. Children this age know about death and they may ask you direct questions about it. It is important to be honest, and to let them know that you understand their worries, that you don’t find them silly or trivial. If your child has lost a friend, relative, or pet to death, you can acknowledge their sadness about missing that person or animal, and offer hugs and comfort. Trying to ignore or minimize your child’s feelings of grief and fear will not make them go away. It will only communicate to children that you are uncomfortable talking about death and it will prevent your child from bringing important feelings to you in the future.

W
HATEVER YOUR CHILD’S
fears, it’s helpful to remember that fear is a natural emotion and it can serve a healthy function in young people’s lives. While kids should not be so fearful that they don’t explore
and learn, they also need to know that the world is sometimes a dangerous place. In this regard, fear can serve to make children appropriately cautious.