Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (32 page)

Because the teen years are a time of individuation, know that your teen may choose styles of dress, haircuts, music, art, and language that you don’t care for. Remember that you don’t need to approve of your child’s choices, you only need to accept them.

By the same token, don’t try to emulate your teenager’s choices. Let his dress, music, gestures, and slang make a statement that says, “I’m different from my parents and I’m proud of it.”

Show respect for your teenager. Think, for a moment, what it would be like to have your best friend treat you the way many parents treat their teenagers. How would it feel to be constantly corrected, reminded of your deficiencies, or teased about sensitive issues? What if your friend delivered long-winded lectures at you, telling you in judgmental tones what to do with your life and how to do it. You would probably feel as though this person did not have much respect for you, did not care about your feelings. In time, you would probably pull away, no longer trusting your friend with your heart.

While I won’t say that parents need to treat their teenagers exactly as friends (the parent-child relationship is far more complex), I will certainly say that teens deserve at least as much respect as we afford our buddies. Therefore, I would encourage you to avoid teasing, criticism, and humiliation. Communicate your values to your child, but do it in a way that’s brief and nonjudgmental. Nobody likes to be preached to, least of all teenagers.

When conflicts arise over your teen’s behavior, don’t use trait labels (lazy, greedy, sloppy, selfish) to talk about it. Talk instead in
terms of specific actions, telling your child how what she has done affects you. (“When you leave without doing the dishes, I feel resentful because I have to do your work for you.”) And certainly don’t try to use reverse psychology—for example, telling your teen to do just the opposite of what you really want, anticipating that she’ll rebel and you’ll get your desired outcome in the end. Such strategies are confusing, manipulative, dishonest, and they rarely work.

Provide your child with a community. There is a popular saying that “it takes a whole village to raise a child.” At no time is this more true than adolescence. That’s why I advise you to get to know the people involved in your teenager’s daily life, including her friends and her friends’ parents.

I once heard a woman speak at her synagogue about the work her college-age daughter was doing to help with the resettlement of Ethiopian refugees. The mother acknowledged that the young woman’s work was a great act of charity and kindness and that she thought her daughter was a fine human being. “As much as my husband and I would like to take credit for the way our daughter has turned out,” the woman said, “I think the credit really belongs to this community.” She went on to explain that there had been difficulties during the girl’s teen years, times when the daughter was so upset she would not speak to her mom and dad. But during all the turbulence, the woman knew the girl was spending time in her friends’ homes and talking with her friends’ parents. And because they were all part of the same community, she knew their families shared the same values. “I trusted this community and, as a result, our daughter has grown to be a woman we’re all proud of,” the mother said. “But we didn’t raise her alone. This whole community raised her.”

Because we cannot be all things to our children—and especially not during adolescence—I advise parents to give their children the support of a caring community. It may be through a synagogue, a church, a school, or a neighborhood group. It may simply be through your extended family or an informal network of friends. The point is, be sure your kids have access to other adults who share your ethics and ideals. These will be the people your child can rely on when he inevitably and naturally distances himself from you, but still needs guidance and support.

Encourage independent decision making while continuing to be your child’s Emotion Coach. Granted, finding the right level of involvement in your teenager’s life is one of the toughest challenges you may face as a parent. As always, encouraging autonomy means allowing kids to do what they are ready to do. Now is the time they’ll be making decisions about things that matter. Now is also a good time to practice saying, “The choice is yours.” Express confidence in your child’s judgment and resist speculating about possibly disastrous outcomes as a warning.

Encouraging autonomy also means allowing your teen to make unwise (but not unsafe) decisions from time to time. Remember that teens can learn as much from mistakes as they can from their successes. This is especially true if they have a caring, supportive adult nearby—somebody to help them cope with their negative emotions over failures and to come up with ways to do things better in the future.

Remember, our studies indicate that success will come easier to young people whose parents practice Emotion Coaching. These are the teens who will be more emotionally intelligent, understanding and accepting of their own feelings. They will have had more experience solving problems on their own and with others. As a result, they will experience more success academically and in their relationships with peers. With such protective factors in hand, these teens will be buffered against the risks all parents fear as their children enter adolescence—risks like drugs, delinquency, violence, and unsafe sex.

Therefore I urge you to stay aware of what’s going on in your child’s life. Accept and validate your child’s emotional experiences. When there is a problem, lend an ear and listen empathetically, without judgment. And be an ally when he comes to you for help with a problem. Although these steps are simple, we now know they form the basis of a lifetime of emotional support between parent and child.

A
PPENDIX
:
R
ECOMMENDED
C
HILDREN’S
B
OOKS

R
EADING ALOUD IS AN EXCELLENT ACTIVITY TO SHARE WITH
your child from infancy through adolescence. It demonstrates to children that adults care enough to spend this intimate time with them. Also, books can be a great catalyst for conversation about feelings.

Below is a list of favorite children’s books that deal with difficult emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. As you read them with your child, take time to talk about the books’ themes and the emotions they elicit.

B
OOKS FOR
I
NFANTS AND
T
ODDLERS

Feelings
by Aliki (Greenwillow, 1984)

A catalogue of emotions with great illustrations that can help young children form a vocabulary for feelings like sorrow, joy, love, hate, pride, fear, and frustration.

Going to the Potty
by Fred Rogers, illustrated by Jim Judkis (Putnam, 1986)

Trust public television’s Mister Rogers to help little ones sort through their feelings about a major life transition. Other books in this “First Experience” series include
Going to Day Care, Going to the Doctor
, and
The New Baby
.

Holes and Peeks
by Ann Jonas (Greenwillow, 1984)

Peeking through buttonholes and other small spaces to see scary things makes them seem less harrowing.

The Runaway Bunny
by Margaret Wise Brown, illustrated by Clement Hurd (Harper & Row, 1972)

Baby bunny fantasizes about running away from his mother. With each fantasy, mother reassures him that she’ll always be there to find and protect him.

B
OOKS FOR
E
ARLY
C
HILDHOOD

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible
, No Good,
Very Bad Day
by Judith Viorst, illustrated by Ray Cruz (Atheneum, 1972)

It all starts with a cereal box that has no prize and goes downhill from there.

The
Berenstain Bears
series by Stan and Jan Berenstain (Random House)

In each book, the Bear Family comes up with reasonable solutions to common problems of family life. Topics include nightmares, telling the truth, limiting television, getting along with friends, money woes, going away to camp, and more.

Gila Monsters Meet You at the Airport
by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat, illustrated by Byron Barton (Macmillan, 1990)

A little boy’s outrageous fantasies about moving to a new city provide an opportunity for families to talk about fears, real and imagined.

Harry and the Terrible Whatzit
by Dick Gackenbach (Clarion, 1978)

A reassuring story about a little boy who follows his mom into the cellar to protect her from the monsters he imagines lurk there.

The Hating Book
by Charlotte Zolotow, illustrated by Ben Schecter (Harper, 1969)

A brief story about the ups and downs of spending time with a close friend.

Ira Sleeps Over
by Bernard Waber (Houghton Mifflin, 1972)

Ira must decide whether to bring his teddy bear when he’s invited to spend the night at a friend’s house.

Julius, the Baby of the World
by Kevin Henkes (Greenwillow, 1990)

How Lily the mouse copes with her anger and jealousy over the arrival of a new baby brother.

Little Rabbit’s Loose Tooth
by Lucy Bate, illustrated by Diane deGroat (Crown, 1975)

One charming bunny’s experience of this exciting milestone.

My Mama Needs Me
by Mildred Pits Walter, illustrated by Pat Cummings (Lothrop, Lee & Shepard, 1983)

Before the arrival of his new sister, Jason is worried about his ability to be a good big brother. After the baby comes, he’s relieved that she sleeps most of the time.

My
Mom
Travels a Lot
by Caroline Feller Bauer, illustrated by Nancy Winslow Parker (Puffin, 1981)

A matter-of-fact outlook on the good and bad aspects of having a traveling mom.

No Nap
by Eve Bunting, illustrated by Susan Meddaugh (Clarion, 1990)

A humorous book about a little girl with the manic energy of one who is very tired but will not sleep.

Outside Over There
by Maurice Sendak (Harper, 1981)

In this richly illustrated book, Ida enters a dreamscape to rescue her baby sister, who’s been kidnapped.

Owen
by Kevin Henkes (Greenwillow, 1993)

Owen and his mother worry what he’ll do with his security blanket when he goes to school for the first time.

Shy Charles
by Rosemary Wells (Dial, 1988)

This timid little mouse has trouble with dance lessons and saying thank you to strangers, but can call for help in a real emergency. Once the crisis is over, he goes back to being his retiring self.

The Something
by Natalie Babbitt (Farrar, Straus, 1970)

Afraid that “Something” might climb through his window at night, Mylo makes a clay sculpture of his frightening fantasy creature. Then, when he meets his creation in a dream, he’s no longer intimidated by it.

Uncle Elephant
by Arnold Lobel (Harper, 1981)

Separation anxiety is the theme of this book, which deals with a little elephant who fears his folks have been lost at sea.

Where the Wild Things Are
by Maurice Sendak (Harper & Row, 1963)

A well loved book about Max, who is sent to bed without his supper and then dreams of wild, scary, but charming monsters.

William’s Doll
by Charlotte Zolotow, illustrated by William Pene du Bois (Harper, 1972)

William’s father, brother, and friends discourage him from wishing for a doll. But the little boy’s grandmother puts the matter in perspective for the whole family.

B
OOKS FOR
M
IDDLE
C
HILDHOOD

Afternoon of the Elves
by Janet Taylor Lisle (Scholastic, 1991)

Issues of loyalty, friendship, and privacy are addressed in this tale of two fourth-grade girls, one a misfit who draws the other into her fantasy world of elves.

Anne of Green Gables
by Lucy M. Montgomery (Bantam, 1908; reissued, 1983)

The adventures of eleven-year-old orphan Anne Shirley, whose hot temper and exuberant personality challenge her foster family on Prince Edward Island at the turn of the century.

The Bears House
by Marilyn Sachs (Dutton, 1987)

An ill-kempt ten-year-old, whose mother is sick and whose father deserts them, suffers the taunts of her classmates. To escape her pain, she retreats into the fantasy world of a classroom dollhouse.

Best Enemies
by Kathleen Leverich, illustrated by Susan Condie Lamb (Greenwillow, 1989)

Second-grader Priscilla Robin learns to stand up for herself against a menacing classmate in ruffles.

Call It Courage
by Armstrong Sperry (Macmillan, 1940)

A South Seas tale of a boy, teased by peers, overcoming his fear of the sea.

A Gift for Tia Rosa
by Karen T. Taha, illustrated by Dee deRosa (Bantam, 1991)

Carmela adores her elderly Hispanic neighbor, Tia Rosa, who is teaching her how to knit. When the old lady dies suddenly, Carmela must find a way to demonstrate how much she loved her friend.

The Hundred Dresses
by Eleanor Estes, illustrated by Louis Slobod-kin (Harcourt Brace, 1944)

A sensitive Polish immigrant girl’s struggles to fit in with her elementary school classmates.

Matilda
by Roald Dahl, illustrated by Quentin Blake (Viking, 1988)