Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (36 page)

Dubroff, Jessica,
53

eating disorders,
72
,
92

emotional and community support networks,
158
–59,
212

emotional awareness:

cultural differences and,
76

development of,
88

feeling vs. expression of,
76
–78

gender and,
76
–78

of parents,
20
,
76
–93

self-test of,
81
–88

women and,
76
,
77

“emotional ecology,”
138

emotional intelligence,
39
–41,
68

benefits of coaching and,
25

definition of,
20

parent’s responsiveness and,
33

stages of child development and,
185
–213

Emotional Intelligence
(Goleman),
20

emotional moments,
93
,
113

in parents,
59
–60

Emotion Coaching,
19
–41,
48
,
63
–68,
75

adolescence and,
208
–13

awareness of child’s emotions in,
76
–93

as a buffer for children,
26
,
139
–45

as children grow,
185
–213

child’s physiology in,
39

child’s risk reduction in,
27
–30

definition of,
21

discovery of,
35
–38

early childhood and,
198
–205

effects of,
24
–27,
39
,
52

eight to twelve-year-olds and,
205
–8

empathy as the foundation of,
70
–76,
93

evolution of,
30
–35

father’s role in,
see
fathers, fatherhood

four to seven-year-olds and,
198
–205

helping children verbalize emotions in,
24
,
75
,
91
,
93
,
99
–100

imposing solutions and,
119
–20

infancy and,
185
–95

limit setting in,
65
,
67
,
75
,
101
–4

marriage and,
146
–55

middle childhood and,
205
–8

modeling in,
20
,
79
,
141
–42

nine-month to twelve-month-olds and,
193
–95

noncoaching parenting styles and,
22
,
48
–63

one-on-one method of,
129
–30

one to three-year-olds and,
195
–98

opportunities for,
24
,
75
,
93
–94

problem-solving in,
100
–109

self-regulation and,
33
,
38
–41,
63

six-month to eight-month-olds

and,
190
–93

skills, test of,
134
–37

stress and,
39
–40

three-month-olds and,
185
–90

toddler years and,
195
–98

vagal tone and,
38
–40,
143

validating child’s feelings in,
24
,
70
,
75
,
94
–99

Emotion Coaching, inappropriate uses of,
127
–34

addressing serious misbehaviors,
130
–32

children’s faking of emotions,
132
–34

parent pressed for time,
128
–29

parent’s emotional state and,
130

in presence of others,
129
–30

Emotion Coaching, steps for,
69
–109

being aware of the child’s emotions,
76
–93

helping the child verbally label

emotions,
99
–100

listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings,
94
–99

recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching,
93
–94

setting limits while helping the child problem-solve,
100
–109

Emotion Coaching, strategies of,
110
–37

avoiding excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child,
111
–12

avoiding siding with the enemy,
117
–18

being honest with your child,
122

being patient with the process,
124
–25

believing in the positive nature of human development,
127

creating mental map of your child’s daily life,
116
–17

empowering your child by giving choices and respecting wishes,
120
–21

ignoring your parental agenda,
113
–16

inappropriate use of,
see
Emotion Coaching, inappropriate uses of

reading children’s literature together,
123

sharing child’s dreams and fantasies,
121
–22

thinking about child’s experience in terms of similar adult situations,
118
–19

trying not to impose your solutions on your child’s problems,
119
–20

understanding your parental base of power,
125
–26

using scaffolding and praise to

coach your child,
112
–13

emotion logs,
89
–90

emotions:

children’s expression of,
20
,
24
,
31
,
34
–35,
41
,
49
,
50
–52,
63
–102

discounting of,
22
,
31
,
34
–35,
55

distrust of,
34
,
50
,
60

faking of,
132
–33

indirect expression of,
90
–92

low-intensity, addressing of,
94

manipulation of,
58
,
132
–33

mixed,
100
,
128

of parents,
34
,
50
–52,
54
–55,
63
,
66

punishment for,
22
,
57
,
58
,
59
,
60
,
62
,
67

repressed, “kitchen sinking” and,
150

unconditional acceptance of,
63
,
67

validation of,
24
,
70
,
75
,
94
–99

words as labels of,
24
,
91
,
93
,
99
–100

emotions, negative,
21
,
22
,
30
,
53
–55,
56
,
61
,
63

concealing of,
79

denial of,
70
–72

empathetic listening and validation of,
24
,
52
,
75
,
94
–99

helping children in labeling of,
24
,
75
,
91
,
93
,
99
–100

infants and,
190

losing control of,
78
–79

as opportunities for intimacy and teaching,
24
,
52
,
75
,
93
–94

see also
anger; fears; sadness

empathetic listening,
24
,
52
,
75
,
94
–99,
213

empathy,
20
,
22
,
24
,
31
,
35
,
64
,
70

definition of,
73

developing feelings of,
118
–19,
121
–22

as the foundation of Emotion Coaching,
70
–76,
93

labeling emotions and,
99
–100

one-on-one method of,
129
–30

as a physical sensation,
124

empowerment,
119
,
120
–21

enemies:

parents as,
117
–18

parents on the side of,
117

“Evolution of Childhood” (de Mause),
31
–32

Faber, Adele,
35
,
119

family systems:

changing role of,
167
–69

father-dominated,
167

women in the workforce in,
167
–68

“family work,”
178

fantasy play:

as brainstorming technique,
106
,
122

children’s emotions and,
40
–41,
92
,
106
,
140

as clues to feelings,
40
–41,
92
,
140

early childhood and,
200
–205

parent’s sharing of,
121
–22

toddlers and,
197
–98

Farrow, Mia,
169

Fatherhood in America
(Griswold),
168

Fatherhood Project (scientific study),
173

fathers, fatherhood,
30
,
37

absent or emotionally absent,
26
,
29
,
165
–67

abusive,
167

children’s everyday needs and,
177
–80

as comforter,
70

as daily-care providers,
177
–80

divorced,
182
–84

early involvement of,
174
–77

in Emotion Coaching,
21
,
26
,
34
,
63
–64,
73
–74,
163
–84

honesty and,
122

influence of,
169
–72

as interrogators,
163
–64

marital status and,
182
–84

and mother’s attitude toward child-care,
176
,
178

playful children’s activities and,
170
–71

in “quality time” with children,
177

step-,
161

striking a balance between work and,
180
–82

in transition,
167
–69,
172
–73

Father to the Man
(Hallowell),
115
–16

fears,
25
,
31
,
41
,
53
,
63
,
78
,
124

of abandonment,
202
–3

boys and,
59
,
60

of children, parent’s reaction to,
21
,
52
,
93

of the dark,
203

of death,
204

dismissing of,
31

of nightmares,
203
–4

of parental conflict,
204

feelings,
see
emotions

Field, Tiffany,
187

five key steps for Emotion Coaching,
see
Emotion Coaching, steps for