Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (37 page)

forgiveness, healing power of,
81

“Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,”
148
–55

Freud, Sigmund,
32

Friedman, Howard,
144
–45

friendships,
140
,
142

early childhood and,
198
–200

forming of,
25
,
40
,
52
,
63
,
111

gender differences:

emotional awareness vs. expression and,
76
–78

stonewalling and,
154

Ginott, Haim,
34
–35,
101
,
102
,
114
,
126
,
210
–13

Ginott-Cohen, Alice,
114

girls:

father’s positive influence and,
166

as toddlers,
196

Goleman, Daniel,
20

Gottman, John,
155

gratification, delayed,
20

green zone of behavior,
102

Griswold, Robert L.,
168

“Guys, The,”
195

Hallowell, Christopher,
115
–16

hero, role of,
41

Hetherington, E. Mavis,
141

high vagal tone,
38
–39,
40

How to Talk so Kids Can Learn
(Faber and Mazlish),
35

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
(Faber and Mazlish),
35

human development, positive nature of,
127

Illinois, University of,
20

impulse control,
20

Industrial Revolution,
167

infants,
32
–33

conflicts and,
142
–43

depressed mothers and,
187
–88

emotional cues and,
187
–88

Emotion Coaching and,
185
–95

father’s involvement and,
175
–76

father’s touching of,
170

miscoordination between parents and,
188
–89

object constancy and,
193
–94

regulating physiological arousal of,
188
–89

shifting attention of,
191

social referencing and,
191
–92

“stranger anxiety” and,
191
,
193

“internalizing problems,”
145

intimacy,
93
–94

“kitchen sinking,”
150

Laissez-Faire parenting,
22
,
48

characteristics of,
51
–52,
61
–63

Levant, Ronald,
172
–73,
178

Liberated Parents/Liberated Children
(Faber and Mazlish),
35

life expectancy, parental divorce and,
144
–45

limits, setting of,
65
,
67
,
75
,
100
–109

listening skills,
24
,
31
,
34
,
42

de-coded messages and,
90

empathetic,
24
,
52
,
75
,
94
–99,
213

reflecting back and,
154

loneliness,
72
,
73

low vagal tone,
39

MacDonald, Kevin,
171

marital conflicts,
25
–26,
28
,
138
–62

avoiding Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in,
148
–55

children in the middle of,
156
–58

communicating resolution of,
158

Emotion Coaching and,
159
–61

establishing networks of emotional support for children and,
158
–59

management of,
155
–62

negative effects on children of,
139
–46

parents’ engagement in children’s lives and,
161
–62

and practicing Emotion Coaching in your marriage,
146
–48

protecting child from negative effects of,
146
–62

using children as weapons in,
155
–56

marriage,
25
–26,
28
–29,
34

conflicts and,
see
divorce; marital conflicts

contempt and,
151
–52

criticism and,
149
–51

defensiveness and,
152
–53

egalitarian,
181

Emotion Coaching and,
146
–55

predictable steps in the disintegration of,
148
–55

stonewalling and,
153
–55

unhappy, divorce vs.,
138
–39,
143
–45

see also
relationships of parenting couples

“marriage-ectomy,”
156

Masculinity Reconstructed
(Levant),
172

Mazlish, Elaine,
35
,
119

Meltzoff, Andrew,
176

child care and,
168

men:

emotional awareness of,
76
–78,
173
–74

stonewalling and,
154

working,
168
–69

mental maps,
115
,
116
–17

Michigan, University of,
168

Million Man March,
167

mocking:

of adults by children,
207
,
208

of children,
55
,
111

marital contempt and,
151

moods, bad,
58
,
59
,
71
,
81

mothers:

depressed,
187
–88

playful children’s activities and,
170

Murphy, Lois,
32

Murphy Brown
(TV show),
166
–67

National Survey of Children,
143
–44

negative emotions,
see
emotions, negative

nervous systems,
38
,
40

networks of emotional and community support,
158
–59,
212

New York Times
,
53

nightmares,
92

fear of,
203
–4

nonverbal communication,
124

object constancy,
193
–94

Oliver Twist
(Dickens),
202

open-ended questions,
105

overpermissive parents,
32
,
61
,
102

parallel play,
140

parasympathetic nervous systems,
38
,
40

parental conflict, fear of,
204

parent-child interactions,
20
–21,
53
–60,
67
–68

bonding and,
21
,
27
,
66
,
67
–68,
72
,
113
,
144

divorce as disruption of,
141

negative comments in,
26
,
33
,
51
,
55
,
57
,
74
,
75
,
80
,
111
–12,
113
,
114

successful,
24

parenting styles, parents:

agendas of,
113
–16,
134
–37

as allies,
73
,
94

apologies of,
67
,
81
,
118

assessment of,
42
–68

authoritarian,
32

cooperative,
182

custodial,
141

disapproving,
22
,
48
,
51
,
57
–60

dismissing,
22
,
48
,
50
,
53
–57

effects on children of,
50
,
51
,
52
,
142

emotional availability of,
161
–62

emotional awareness of,
20
,
76
–93

emotional self-awareness of, 334,
66
,
76

emotion coach,
see
Emotion Coaching

emotions of,
34
,
50
–52,
54
–55,
63

“helping mode” of,
32

hostile relationship of,
see
marital conflicts

improving the relationship of,
see
relationships of parenting couples

laissez-faire,
22
,
48
,
51
–52,
61
–63

miscoordination between infants and,
188
–89

negative,
80
–81,
111
–12

permissive,
32
,
61
,
102

powerbase of,
125
–26

as readers to children,
123

self-test of,
43
–48

“super-,”
54
,
79

types of,
22
,
32
,
48
–68

Parke, Ross,
125
,
171
,
192

Parks, Gordon,
210
–11

paternity leave,
176

peer relationships,
140

early childhood and,
198
–200

permissive parents,
32
,
61
,
102

play:

fantasy,
see
fantasy play

parallel,
140

pregnancy, fathers and,
174
–75

preschoolers, demands on caretakers of,
31
,
33

problem-solving,
104
–9

child’s choosing solution in,
108
–109

evaluating proposed solutions in,
107
–8

identifying goals in,
104
–5

identifying possible solutions in,
105
–7

imposing solutions as way of,
119
–20

Promise Keepers,
166

punishment,
22
,
33
,
57
,
58
,
59
,
60
,
62

“quality time,”
177

Quayle, Dan,
166
–67

red zone of behavior,
102
–3

relationships of parenting couples:

contempt in,
151
–52

criticism in,
149
–51

defensiveness in,
152
–53

Emotion Coaching and,
146
–55

improving the interpersonal style of,
139

interparental conflicts in,
138
–39

nurturing of,
152

steps in the disintegration of,
148
–55

stonewalling and,
153
–55