Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (33 page)

Brilliant and resourceful Matilda must cope with outlandishly cruel parents and a fiendish headmistress. She finds refuge through the friendship of a loving teacher.

Sleep Out
by Carol Carrick, illustrated by David Carrick (Clarion, 1973)

Christopher and his dog conquer their fears to spend the night camping in the woods alone.

B
OOKS FOR
O
LDER
C
HILDREN AND
T
EENS

Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret
by Judy Blume (Bradbury, Dell, 1970)

Nearly twelve, Margaret chats often with God as she faces her fears and anticipation about growing up.

Maniac Magee
by Jerry Spinelli (Little, Brown, 1990)

This exciting story of a wise and kind twelve-year-old runaway orphan touches issues of racism, homelessness, and community violence.

The Moonlight Man
by Paula Fox (Bradbury, 1986)

Catherine learns much about herself during the vacation she spends with her alcoholic father, shortly after her parents’ divorce.

My Brother Is Stealing Second
by Jim Naughton (Harper & Row, 1989)

The emotional story of a teenage boy’s recovery after the accidental death of his brother.

One-Eyed Cat
by Paula Fox (Bradbury, 1984)

Ned, a boy isolated from friends and family, must come to terms with his guilt over shooting out the eye of a wild cat.

Scorpions
by Walter Dean Myers (Harper & Row, 1988)

A twelve-year-old boy from Harlem copes with pressures at home and school at the same time he finds himself becoming the leader of a street gang.

NOTES

1: E
MOTION
C
OACHING
: T
HE
K
EY TO
R
AISING
E
MOTIONALLY
I
NTELLIGENT
K
IDS

PAGE

20
“Family life is our first school”
: Daniel Goleman,
Emotional Intelligence
(New York: Bantam, 1995), pp. 189-90.

20
Working with research teams
: John Gottman, Lynn Katz, and Carol Hooven,
Meta-emotion: How Families Communicate Emotionally, Links to Child Peer Relations and Other Developmental Outcomes
(Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum, 1996).

24
By observing and analyzing
: Ibid.

25
With more than half
: U.S. Bureau of the Census, “Live Births, Deaths, Marriages, and Divorces: 1950 to 1992,”
Statistical Abstract of the United States: 1994
(114th Edition) (Washington, D.C., 1994).

25
Our own research shows
: John Gottman and Lynn Katz, “Effects of Marital Discord on Young Children’s Peer Interaction and Health,”
Developmental Psychology
, Vol. 57 (1989), pp. 47-52.

25
But when the Emotion-Coaching parents
: Gottman, Katz, and Hooven,
Meta-emotion
.

26
28 percent of American children
: B. A. Chadwick and T. Heson,
Statistical Handbook on the American Family
(New York: Oryx Press, 1992).

28
Between 1985 and 1990
: F. Landis Mackellar and Machiko Yanagishita,
Homicide in the United States: Who’s at Risk
(Washington, D.C.: Population Reference Bureau, February 1995).

28
From 1965 to 1991
: Elena de Lisser, “For Inner-City Youth, a Hard Life May Lead to a Hard Sentence,”
Wall Street journal
, November 30, 1993.

28
some 30 percent are
: National Center for Health Statistics, “Advance Report of Final Natality Statistics,”
Monthly Vital Statistics Report
, Vol. 42, No. 3, Suppl. (Hyattsville, MD: Public Health Service, 1993).

28
half of all new marriages
: U.S. Bureau of the Census, “Live Births, Deaths, Marriages, and Divorces: 1950 to 1992.”

29
around 28 percent
: Chadwick and Heson,
Statistical Handbook on the American Family
.

29
half of the families living in poverty
: Census of Population and Housing, 1990: Guide (New York: Diane Publishing).

29
Figures from the 1989
U.S. Census
: U.S. Bureau of the Census, “Child Support—Award and Recipiency Status of Women: 1981 to 1989,”
Statistical Abstract of the United States
: 1994 (114th Edition) (Washington, D.C., 1994).

29
One study of children
: F. F. Furstenberg et al., “The Life Course of Children of Divorce: Marital Disruption and Parental Contact,”
American Sociological Review
, Vol. 48 (1983), pp. 656-68.

29
According to one Canadian study
: Martin Daly and Margo Wilson, “Child Abuse and Other Risks of Not Living with Both Parents,”
Ethology and Sociobiology
, Vol. 6 (1985), pp. 197-210.

29
the typical American family
: Juliet B. Schor, “Stolen Moments,”
Sesame Street Parents
, July/August 1994, p. 24.

30
One survey showed
: Juliet B. Schor,
The Overworked American: The Unexpected Decline of Leisure
(New York: Basic Books, 1991), p. 5.

31
preschoolers typically demand
: Gerald R. Patterson,
Coercive Family Process
(Eugene, OR: Castalia, 1982).

31
Psychiatrist Lloyd deMause
: Lloyd deMause, “The Evolution of Childhood,”
The History of Childhood
(New York: Harper & Row 1974).

32
Social psychologist Lois Murphy
: G. Murphy, L. Murphy, and
T. M. Newcomb,
Experimental Social Psychology
(New York: Harper and Brothers, 1931).

32
an “authoritative” style of parenting
: Diana Baumrind, “Child Care Practices Anteceding Three Patterns of Preschool Behavior,”
Genetic Psychology Monographs
, Vol. 75 (1975), pp. 43-88; and Diana Baumrind, “Current Patterns of Parental Authority,”
Developmental Psychology Monograph
, Vol. 4 (1971).

34
Haim Ginott
: Haim G. Ginott,
Between Parent and Child
(New York: Macmillan, 1965).

35
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish,
Liberated Parents/Liberated Children
(New York: Avon, 1975);
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
(New York, Avon, 1980);
Siblings Without Rivalry
(New York: Norton, 1987);
How to Talk so Kids Can Learn—At Home and in School
(New York: Rawson, 1995).

3: T
HE
F
IVE
K
EY
S
TEPS FOR
E
MOTION
C
OACHING

PAGE

77
To find out if one gender
: Gottman, Katz, and Hooven,
Metaemotion
.

102
“accepting the childishness of children”
: Haim G. Ginott,
Between Parent and Child
(New York: Macmillan, 1965) p. 110.

103
I urge parents who use time-outs
: For more information on the effective use of time-outs, I recommend Carolyn Webster-Stratton’s excellent book,
The Incredible Years: A Trouble-Shooting Guide for Parents of Children Aged 3-8
(Toronto: Umbrella Press, 1993). Her book provides step-by-step guides on dealing with discipline and control problems, and her intervention has been well researched and shown to be effective. For preadolescents and adolescents, I recommend two research-based books by Gerald Patterson and Marion Forgatch:
Parents and Adolescents Living Together: The Basics
(Eugene, Oregon: Castalia Press, 1987) and
Parents and Adolescents Living Together: Part 2
(Eugene, OR: Castalia Press, 1989).

103
A 1990 survey of college students
: A. M. Graziano and K. A. Namaste, “Parental Use of Physical Force in Child Discipline,”
Journal of Interpersonal Violence
, Vol. 5(4) (1990), pp. 449-63.

103
Only about 11 percent of parents in Sweden
: W. W. Deley, “Physical Punishment of Children: Sweden and the U.S.A.,”
Journal of Comparative Family Studies
, Vol. 19(3) (1988); R. J. Gelles and A. W. Edfeldt, “Violence Toward Children in the United States and Sweden,”
Child Abuse and Neglect
, Vol. 10(4) (1986), pp. 501-10.

4 : E
MOTION
-C
OACHING
S
TRATEGIES

PAGE

115
“If you can’t build”
: Christopher Hallowell,
Father to the Man: A Journal
(New York: Morrow, 1987), p. 64.

119
Imagine your spouse bringing home
: Faber and Mazlish,
Siblings Without Rivalry
, p. 36.

134
Following each item
: The first two items were suggested by Alice Ginott-Cohen.

5: M
ARRIAGE
, D
IVORCE, AND
Y
OUR
C
HILD’S
E
MOTIONAL
H
EALTH

PAGE

139
Emotion Coaching can have a buffering effect
: Gottman, Katz and Hooven,
Meta-emotion
.

141
the rate of clinically significant mental health problems
: E. Mavis Hetherington, “Long-term Outcomes of Divorce and Remarriage: The Early Adolescent Years,” in A. S. Masten (chair), “Family Processes and Youth Functioning During the Early Adolescent Years,” symposium conducted at the biennial meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development, New Orleans, LA (1993), cited by E. Mark Cummings and Patrick Davies in
Children and Marital Conflict: The Impact of Family Dispute and Resolution
(London: Guilford, 1994), pp. 131-32.

141
“a preoccupied and/or emotionally disturbed”
: E. Mavis Hetherington,
“Coping with Marital Transitions: A Family Systems Perspective,”
Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development
, Vol. 57 (1992), p. 6.

142
Research psychologist E. Mark Cummings
: E. M. Cummings, “Coping with Background Anger in Early Childhood,”
Child Development
, Vol. 58 (1987), pp. 976-84; E. M. Cummings, R. J. Iannotti, and C. Zahn-Waxler, “The Influence of Conflict Between Adults on the Emotions and Aggression of Young Children,”
Developmental Psychology
, Vol. 21 (1985), pp. 495-507.

142
nonverbal stress reactions
: R. Shred, P. M. McDonnell, G. Church, and J. Rowan, “Infants’ Cognitive and Emotional Responses to Adults’ Angry Behavior,” paper presented at the biennial meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development, Seattle, WA (1991), cited by Cummings and Davies in
Children and Martial Conflict
, pp. 131–32.

143
“the great education tragedy”
: Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, “Dan Quayle Was Right,”
The Atlantic Monthly
, April 1993.

143
Children carry such problems
: Nicholas Zill, Donna Ruane Morrison, and Mary Jo Coiro, “Long-Term Effects of Parental Divorce on Parent-Child Relationships, Adjustment, and Achievement in Young Adulthood,”
Journal of Family Psychology
, Vol. 7 (1993), pp. 91-103.

144
To find out how social stresses
: Howard S. Friedman et al., “Psychosocial and Behavioral Predictors of Longevity,”
American Psychologist
, Vol. 50 (1995), pp. 69-78.