Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (26 page)

But men don’t have to take a course to become more sensitive to their children; they can practice Emotion-Coaching skills, which begin with emotional awareness. Men must allow themselves to be aware of their feelings so they can empathize with their children. Then they must take whatever steps necessary to make themselves available to their kids. They must structure their lives so they can give more time and attention to their children—a step that sounds simple, but is by no means easy. Making time for kids can be especially challenging for fathers living apart from their children and those highly focused on their work. Unless men do this, however, they can lose touch with their children as they grow and change,
and they may find it increasingly harder to have meaningful relationships with them.

I am reminded of how changes in my own schedule over the years made a difference in my relationship with my daughter, Moriah. When she was a toddler and I was responsible for dropping her off at daycare before rushing off to the university, our mornings together were often hectic. I found myself being more abrupt and less playful with her than either of us liked. Then I decided not to schedule any classes or appointments before ten
A.M
. and this made all the difference. Although I still got to work by nine most mornings, my daily interactions with Moriah improved because I knew that I wouldn’t be breaking any job commitments if she required extra time. If she wanted to stop on the way out to the car to stare at a spiderweb, I had time to share that with her. If she suddenly decided she wanted to change from wearing red shoes to blue shoes, it was no big deal.

Granted, some occupations allow dads more flexibility in this way than others. But fathers make conscious choices each day that influence the quality and quantity of time and attention they can give their kids. Which parent is going to bathe the baby each day? Who’s going to read the kids a bedtime story? Who’s going to help them find matching socks? Although such matters may seem mundane, these are important considerations because it is from within the structure of our ordinary lives that emotional bonds between father and child emerge. In the next few pages, we’ll explore ideas to help fathers strengthen that tie.

GET INVOLVED IN YOUR CHILD’S CARE FROM PREGNANCY ON

Studies show that a dad’s involvement in his partner’s pregnancy can help set the stage for a whole series of positive family interactions that benefit the marriage, benefit the child, and strengthen the father-child bond.

When a father takes an active part in childbirth preparation classes, for example, he learns to be an effective labor coach, lending encouragement to his partner throughout the birthing process. This, in turn, can have a positive outcome for both mother and child. One study found that
women whose husbands participated
in
labor and delivery reported less pain, received less medication, and felt more positive about the birth experience than women whose husbands were not present. Similar correlations between the father’s presence and the mother’s perception of the birth have been observed when babies are delivered by cesarean section. In addition, another study revealed that
a dad who shows a high interest
in his partner’s pregnancy spends more time holding the baby once it arrives and is more likely to respond to the baby when it cries.

Acquiring such hands-on experience during an infant’s early days is important. One researcher found that
fathers who begin diapering
, bathing, rocking, and otherwise caring for their babies in the hospital shortly after birth are more likely to be doing such activities months down the road—all of which provides babies and dads with face-to-face opportunities to learn each other’s cues, getting their relationship off to a positive start.

In addition, the habits a father forms during his child’s infancy often stick. If a dad is involved in caring for the baby at an early age, he’s more likely to continue his involvement into middle childhood and adolescence.

In light of such findings, fathers who want a solid relationship with their children should lay the groundwork during pregnancy and the baby’s first months. First-time dads should be aware, however, that caring for an infant is mostly a hands-on learning experience, full of trial and error. The beauty of being involved from day one is that father and mother can learn about their unique baby together. And because communication between parent and infant is a two-way street, the newborn has a chance to begin learning from father early on as well. As she becomes familiar with Dad’s face, his voice, the rhythm of his walk, the way he smells, and the way he holds her, she learns to associate his presence, as well as her mother’s, with comfort and security. She also learns important lessons in social control from his responsiveness; she learns that she can affect the way her father treats her, that she can influence other people through her own behavior.

While it’s normal for dads to feel a bit left out of the caregiving equation when moms breastfeed, there are dozens of other ways for fathers to provide essential nurturing. These include bottle-feeding the baby water, supplemental formula, or expressed breast milk.
They can bathe their babies, diaper them, rock them, and walk the floor with them. And of course, dads should never forget their gender’s special aptitude for play.
Even among newborns
, psychologist Andrew Meltzoff has observed subtle indications that babies imitate their caregivers’ facial expressions. This means the time a father spends face-to-face in conversation with even the tiniest children can mark the beginning of a rewarding relationship.

Of course, all of this presupposes that fathers will have time to spend with their newborn infants, which is why I am a strong proponent of paternity leave. If a father’s employment situation makes that impossible, I urge him at least to take as much vacation time as he can during those important, irreplaceable, early weeks of his child’s life.

Extended-family members can also help to ensure that dads are not inadvertently shuffled off to the sidelines when the baby arrives. Concerned grandmothers, for example, may do well to step back and let dad play the supporting role, caring for the newborn while mother gets her rest. When this happens, father gets the time he needs as a primary caretaker to learn the baby’s signals.

Of course, mothers themselves play the most powerful gatekeeper role, supporting or discouraging fathers’ involvement in the care of their children. In studying
mothers’ attitudes toward fathers’ participation
in infant care, researchers Ross Parke and Ashley Beitel learned that dads are less likely to be involved if the mother is critical of the quality of her husband’s caregiving and if the mother believes that women are innately more capable of nurturing infants.

Many women, however, see great value in a father’s involvement, and want to know how to encourage it. For them, the answer is clear: Allow your partner to have his own style of caring for the baby. Offer the wisdom of your experience, but avoid being highly critical of the way he pins the diaper, shakes the bottle, swaddles the baby, and whatnot. Keep in mind that babies can benefit from a variety of caregiving styles, including a typically masculine one that’s more playful, more physical, less limit setting. If couples find they have conflict over the way care is given, they may want to designate certain responsibilities as the purview of one parent or the other. In other words, you take care of the baby’s feeding, and I’ll do bath time each morning. Also, if it seems that dad is having a hard
time learning how to soothe the baby, it may be that he and the child simply need more time without mom’s intervention to learn each other’s cues. Sending mom out for a few afternoons with friends, leaving dad and baby to fend for themselves, might do the trick.

Relinquishing control over an area that has long been the sole purview of women may be a challenge for some new mothers. But if mom can step back and let dad and baby have their time together, hopefully she’ll see how their child benefits from a healthy, well-developed, nurturing relationship with dad.

STAY TUNED IN TO YOUR CHILD’S EVERYDAY NEEDS AS HE OR SHE GROWS

Ideally, dads who get in the habit of providing daily care and nurturing for their children as infants will continue to do their part as the children grow. The challenge is to maintain such commitment over time as schedules and priorities shift at work and at home. Unless fathers make a conscious effort to be part of their kids’ daily lives, many may find themselves drifting further away, losing track of the intimate details—the stuff that gives dads and children their common ground.

Much has been written over the years about the importance of mothers spending “quality time” with their kids. The idea, which has grown in popularity as more moms enter the workforce, is that simply clocking hours with your kids is less important than how you relate to them when you are together. And indeed, studies of working moms have shown that the quality of mother-child interactions has more effect on kids than how much time the two spend in each other’s company. It only makes sense that the same is true for fathers. It doesn’t matter how many evenings and weekends dad spends with his child if that time is spent avoiding interaction, buried in work, or sitting dumbstruck with his child in front of a television set.

The importance of fathers’ accessibility
to their children was driven home in a study by Robert Blanchard and Henry Biller, who compared groups of third-grade boys, some whose fathers were absent,
some whose fathers were present and available, and some whose fathers were present and unavailable. Looking at the academic achievement in all groups, the study found that the boys with absent fathers did the worst and the boys whose fathers were present and available did best. The boys whose fathers were present but not available fell somewhere in between. “
Having a competent father
will not facilitate a boy’s intellectual development if the father is not consistently accessible to the boy or if the father/son relationship is negative in quality,” Biller wrote. (Few studies of this type have been done on girls and fathers, although high involvement by fathers seems to be linked to girls’ career and academic achievement as well.)

While it’s hard to say how much involvement or accessibility children need from their fathers, it takes more than occasional outings to the baseball game, the amusement park, and the zoo to make a real difference to kids. Indeed, the best way for dads to be part of their children’s lives is to participate in what psychologist Ronald Levant calls “family work,” the day-to-day feeding, bathing, dressing, and nurturing of children. “
It’s by performing
these traditionally feminine tasks that men become truly integrated and indispensable members of their families,” Levant writes. Family life is “not only about providing for their families’ material needs. It’s about being there on a daily basis providing for the never-ending, ever-changing, day-to-day physical and emotional needs as well.”

As during their children’s infancy, mothers of older children can encourage their partners to take more responsibility for daily care by suspending judgment when men approach tasks in their own style. There’s more than one way to wipe a runny nose or make a peanut butter sandwich.

For many men, being present and accessible in the world of children requires a real shift in perceptions about time and the importance of meeting concrete, task-oriented goals. Many men have been socialized all their lives to believe in moving through the day efficiently, accomplishing one goal after another, without dawdling, backtracking, and leaving work unfinished. Men’s lives are less concerned with taking care of the way people feel and more concerned with simply solving problems, getting things done. Men who are home caring for a preschooler may have the expectation that they
can do other things, too—mow the lawn, watch the game, pay taxes. When that doesn’t work out because child care takes so much time, men may become frustrated. They may discover they feel less patient and empathetic than they would like to be.

Successful fathering is not about getting things done despite our children. It’s about accepting our role in this twenty-year work-in-progress called the growth of a human being. It’s about slowing down, taking time to be with our children one on one, relating to them on a level their age requires.

I learned much of this the hard way, trying futilely, for example, to write on days when I stayed home with my daughter, Moriah. I’ve finally decided that until she’s old enough to meet more of her own needs (a bittersweet thought), our time together is better spent playing, reading aloud, doing chores.

Consequently, I’ve also learned the high value of actually getting involved in her world, of joining her in activities like coloring, games, and pretend play. With both Moriah and the kids in my studies, I’ve seen the way small children open their hearts to adults in play situations, willingly discussing topics they might never broach while simply being questioned. Some of my best talks with Moriah at age four or five happened while we colored together or played Barbies. Out of the blue, she’d ask questions like, “Why did my friend Helena have to move to Michigan?” or, “Was Mommy mad at you?” Such intimate conversations about kids’ deepest thoughts and feelings—their worries, fears, and dreams—are most likely to happen when families have relaxed time together, doing things they enjoy. (And, by the way, I found coloring very relaxing. Now I can even stay within the lines.)

As children grow and become involved in more activities away from home, it may get harder for fathers to find such time alone with them. Yet, one-on-one exchanges with dad when a child is any age can be quite valuable. That’s why I urge fathers to structure their schedules in ways that allow them to regularly spend time alone with each child. The opportunity may simply be a thirty-minute car ride across town each Saturday for music lessons. Or perhaps there’s a hobby or sport dad can share with his kid. Sometimes the best conversations happen while families share chores like making dinner, washing the car, or weeding the garden.