Random Acts of Senseless Violence (29 page)

The funeral was Sunday morning. Daddy still had Guild coverage for funerals which heartened because otherwise we'd have had to dump him somewhere I think. He was cremated in a plain wood box at the funeral home. The chimney was smoking when we got there. When ash rains grounddown now I think I'm still getting sprinkled with Daddy. Mama told me they'd had a family space clear in a mausoleum in Queens but now it's off limited thanks to the warring so she got a new space in Woodlawn in the Bronx. Besides us and the funeral people and the Society For Ethical Culture speaker there were other friends of Mama and Daddy who came. Some were teachers and some writers and some I didn't know. His agent couldn't come because Mama said he was closing with Paramount. No one from Excelsior showed. Mama called Mister Mossbacher to say Daddy wouldn't be in because he was dead. She said he sounded like he craved to shout but didn't. Daddy was supposed to get paid Saturday because payday was shifted two days up due to cashflow problems he'd said and Mama
told Mister Mossbacher we needed it. He said he'd express it and then he hung up on her.

We rode six cars going up sticking close. It took an hour and a half because the greenasses checked all running detectors over the cars before passing us through. The cars had mirror windows so we could eye without being eyed. Washington Heights and Inwood look like I expected all torched and blasted except round City College and Columbia Presbyterian. They have those rounded bout with razorwire and soldiers. Hardly any businesses are left anywhere except liquor stores and bodegas. There aren't any cars but you see buses. It's all Serbia up there and the people walk stoopbacked like they had enough. Army's got the streets lined with tanks even though they're not supposed to let them in and everywhere you look there's thousands of soldiers armed and itchy. They're building another wall down the middle of Dyckman Street in Inwood.

Once we Bronxed we rode a parkway to Woodlawn. At the mausoleum we sat in a little chapel and the Ethical Culture man raved on about translating goodness. Some friends of Daddy told everybody how lucked they were since they knew him. They may be lucked sure they still alive. We held each other's hands, me and Mama and Boob. We didn't cry except Mama did at the very end. I'd never been to a funeral before. It weirded me Anne I kept wishing it was done not because it ached me so but because I went deadhead halfway through hearing them blather and fudge. I couldn't help it if they missed him so much why didn't they do more to help him? Maybe they did maybe I'm just being unfair but so what. Instead of thinking of Daddy my mind fixed on Mister Mossbacher and how I hated him. If he hadn't wronged Daddy it probably wouldn't have happened I thought and I know I'm right. I just wanted to leap and run far away leaving them all it dizzied me so. Oh Anne if there is hell like on Christian commercials I guess I'm bound for it.

Chrissie and Mama phone each other every day since Daddy died. Mama told me today they've been talking about us. Boob was so unhappy even before and now Mama says it's all so uncertained she just doesn't know. ‘Sweetie you're a toughie aren't you you think we can be all right?' she asked me. ‘Plenty so' I said. ‘Oh angel I know you can make it and I think I can too but I just don't know about that poor little Boobster she was already so feathery and now this' Mama said. Boob's chubola I think so I don't think feathery when I think Boob but I knew what was meant. ‘Do you think she'll be all right living with Chrissie if it can be worked out?' Mama asked me. ‘I spec she'll be a Chrissie clone in no time' I said. ‘My darling that's such a dreadful thought and you're probably right. But think of how things are here the Army everywhere and people shooting at us and our money running out don't you think it'd be safer there?' Mama said. ‘If they're moneyed so why don't they trickle us?' I asked. ‘Sweet darling they'd help by providing a better environment for Boob don't you see?' she said. ‘Safer maybe better maybe not' I said. ‘Chrissie wanted me to ask if you wanted to come out there too and live with the rest in the bunker' Mama said. ‘Nada never' I said. ‘That's what I told her sweetie but you know Chrissie. She knows better than to ask if I want to because it would be inviting murder' Mama said. ‘We're still housing here then?' I asked. ‘Yes angel I don't know what we'll do though it's going to be so much harder' she said. I told her it would be all right but she just looked at me and half-smiled. I stayed floating while Mama told. It'll never be hard enough I have to live with Chrissie.

Daddy didn't have insurance because he'd cashed it in earlier. There was a little money we got from the Guild that he'd set aside but translated into new money it's even less than it would have been. We're choiceless in the matter in any event that's all so we'll have to earplay it and see what goes.

Iz called me Saturday to see when we could meet and I
told her we couldn't and why. She saddened having only met Daddy last week and then only momentslong before he went to work. When I talked to Iz I started crying loud but not for long, tears don't help you. She said she understood. ‘What happened to your father Iz?' I asked. ‘He was cancered' she said. ‘I was little. Three or four. I hardly remember him except he had big hands and smiled.' ‘You loved him?' ‘Sure why you ask?' Iz said. ‘Maybe I didn't love Daddy enough' I said only half believing it but thinking it possible enough. ‘Girl you mindlost what a thing to say' said Iz. ‘I know but I wonder' I said. ‘Lola you so crazy' she said. ‘I know that's my name Crazy Lola' I said.

It's all breaking Anne I better stop now.

JUNE
4

We've settled. Boob is going to stay with Chrissie. She and Mama talked and they detailed what they had to. Dopey Alan is using frequent flier miles to pay for Boob's ticket to San Francisco. She leaves tomorrow from Newark Airport which is the only one open. She'll be gone then. It's not forever Mama says but who knows how long that'll be everything's forever when you don't know when it'll end. I spec one day we will regroup but there'll be meantime changes and what we'll be when we see each other again, that's unknowable. I'll miss Boob so much all the times I wished she was somewhere else but when it downcomes I don't. But what's to do?

This evening me and Boob. ‘What will you do out there besides school?' I asked. ‘I don't know but I'll be safe' Boob said. She held her My L'il Fetus which is just about gone now, it's nada but a lump with a head. ‘Nobody's safe Boob that's truthed plain' I said. ‘That's what you say but I'll be safe with Aunt Chrissie.' ‘Maybe maybe not' I said. ‘Nobody will get me' she said. ‘Nobody who?' I asked. ‘Nobody in New York. Nobody at school and nobody on the street and none of my friends and none of your friends' Boob said.
‘Me too?' I asked. ‘I said everybody didn't I?' she said. ‘What's meant Boob?' ‘I mean you won't do anything to me' she said. ‘What you think I do to you?' I asked getting mad. ‘Don't know but you'd do something someday I know' she said.

Boob is going to turn into Chrissie whatever we do I think. It's not so much that Chrissie has her own Kure-A-Kid program like what was done to Lori, it's more genetic. Maybe Chrissie won't harass Mama as much once she's got Boob to rebuild. Mama said when she talked to Chrissie the other day Chrissie was again saying she was a terrible mother for wanting to keep me here with her. ‘I told her you didn't want to go sweetie but you know Chrissie she knows everything' Mama said. Mama said she told Chrissie she wished to God she knew what to do and she said Chrissie told her God hears the prayers of Jews but not if they live in New York. ‘She's become so peculiar out there in the outback sweetie she was always awful to me but now it's like she's not even human' Mama said. ‘But you want Boob to be with her' I said. ‘Boob's so fragile my darling she'll wither if she's here much longer she takes so after her poor father' Mama said. ‘She's not too withery' I said. ‘Inside sweetie inside.' ‘I take after you' I said pleased because even though she flutters and she's too medicated Mama can tough it better than Daddy could that was always how it was. ‘Oh my angel I hope not I hope not' Mama said. After I hugged her longtime she finally dried and went on.

JUNE
5

We bussed out to Newark Airport today from Port Authority. It's one of the worst places in town and always has been Anne. It's on 42nd which is all abandoned and empty now to start with and wilders hang there in and out constant. City claim it safer now but there's more living there now than there were last year. Men layabout eyeing women till
they find the new ones and then make them prostitutes dog ugly ones worse than the tunnel tramps on Eleventh Avenue. Port Authority is horror plus Anne you feel greasy just walking through it.

We put Boob on the plane to San Francisco at the airport. Actually Boob put herself on the plane because the antiterrorist police wouldn't let us terminal too far in. I wanted to word her this morning before she flew but I tonguetied and she kept forgetting making Mama double-check what she hauled so we never talked. I said I'd write but I don't know what I'll say. She won't be there a month before she's Chrissiesized and it's racked me overmuch already Anne the way people like Lori and Katherine sideshift. Knowing somebody so long and then they sudden change disrupts so it's not handleable anymore or at least I spec not for me. I kissed her goodbye and she statued when I did, I think she's already season changed and it's too late.

Me and Mama rode back lipstilled the whole way. She vizzed sad like I know I do but nothing was sayable so I hushed and just remembered Boob like I knew her back when we homed in our old place. The ride wasn't long enough. I hadn't been out of New York all year so even Jersey counted this trip. Everything there was ugly as always and didn't look different. The ride was only a quarter for each of us both ways but that would have been ten dollars not long ago. That's one whole dinner gone on the road. Mama reloaded in the bathroom once we homed that much's known but I can't tell what's zoned her tonight. She's sitting couched in the living room with manuscripts round her waiting to be read. I think she's better but it's hard to tell.

JUNE
6

Saturday today. I'm still a family girl though because instead of meeting Iz and Jude I went with Mama to
Excelsior Bookstore to see Mister Mossbacher. Guess what? You guessed he hadn't sent Daddy's last paycheck.

The guards brisked us when we went in. Guards are worse than blueboys they're always either middle age fat white guys who don't shave but once a week or else they're Spanish and peachfuzz young like the ones who sexmouth us in our neighborhood. They eye our purses and make us raise our arms and then they do the laying on of hands always patting my butt. Guards don't rub up men as much cause if they did they'd likely find them armed and then they'd shake not knowing what to do.

The store was packed but it wasn't people buying books as much as it was people trying to get cash refunds wanting that new cash of course. The managers screamed blood murder at them and they threw books at the managers saying I want my money. We hotfooted to the info counter where Mama asked to see Mister Mossbacher. He's in the back unpacking books the man said nodding his head. Mama had to ask twice to replay before she heard him. They walled in info with token booth lucite so customers couldn't torch them I guessed.

Mister Mossbacher wasn't hitting his head on the dumbwaiter this time. He unpacked books from a box and stacked them on a table making sure each stack was neat even with the rest. He dressed so bumly Anne dirty pants and a tee and nerd perps Daddy told me once he'd heard he'd never had a girlfriend and that reasoned cause nothing animal would want him. The louder the customers yelled the louder they volumed the radio at info so everybody deafened in time I guessed. Mama waited a second before going over to him. ‘Come on' I said leading. ‘All right angel he can't be as bad as your father said' Mama said. ‘He is' I said remembering the only other time I'd seen him. I knew she feared him but turning back time was done.

‘Oh excuse me Mister Mossbacher my name is Faye Hart and my husband Michael worked for you until he died' Mama said. Maybe he didn't hear her firstoff but I bet he
did. He didn't even blink, it was like we'd gone homeless invisible. ‘Please excuse me but Mister Mossbacher?' she asked. I heard you he said sounding mad. Then he went mute again still unpacking books. ‘You said you'd mail us his last paycheck but we haven't received it yet and we need it' Mama said. He stopped unpacking and raised to glare lasers at us. What do you expect? he asked holding his hands out and pointing all around him. Look at this I hate my fucking life he said and then he unpacked some more like we'd left. ‘What about my husband's last paycheck Mister Mossbacher?' Mama asked quieting her voice. I eyed her hands shake so I knew she feared overmuch but I couldn't tell if he knew. The longer we were there the more he boiled though that showed plain. I was left in a bad position when your husband died Mister Mossbacher said. The managers who covered for him put in overtime and it equalled out.

Mister Mossbacher picked up a boxcutter and slit a new box. ‘What do you mean equalled out?' Mama asked. That paycheck had to go to pay overtime for the managers who had to cover for him. ‘You mean we don't get it?' Mama asked. What is it aren't I being clear enough for you to understand? Mister Mossbacher said gripping the boxcutter like he was going to stick us. ‘He earned that money the last week he was here you can't do that' Mama said. Goddamit I'm trying to run a business here if you can't fucking see that so don't tell me what I can't do Mister Mossbacher said. ‘You told me you'd send it along' Mama said. I was wrong Mister Mossbacher said. ‘He died it wasn't deliberate God help him I need that money for my children' Mama said. Can't you understand I've got problems here it's not my fault he died that screwed up my schedule like you wouldn't believe Mister Mossbacher said shouting.