Random Acts of Senseless Violence (33 page)

An hour later the nurse told me Mama would have to hospital a few days for observation. I asked when I could see her. She asked my age and I told twelve and she said I wasn't old enough I needed to come back with my father. ‘He's dead' I said but she'd already turned and that was that. ‘Can I call?' Another nurse nodded and I hoped she spoke true and not just gas. They'll aware me I spec once she's ready to home it but otherwise it's beyond anything doable for me. I homed after that and kitchened myself to write

Excuse my dropping pen so hasty Anne but Iz just called and we talked long. ‘What Jude said is that truthed?' I asked her and I could tell she squirmed but I was careless. ‘Jude fears overmuch sometime she only takes so much however it seems' Iz said. ‘But was what she said truthed?' I asked again. ‘It is and it isn't' Iz said. ‘How's that?' I asked. ‘I don't know but that's how it is that's all. There's no reason just sense' she said. ‘That means we're splitting?' I asked feeling tears prepping but not letting them fall. ‘No no no no way' Iz said. ‘Way Jude is though I better not overnight there anytime soon. That's not saying forever till endtime just not for now. But Lo we can hang constant otherwise but we keep doing what we been doing it's only so long till we be burned you hear me?' ‘Yes' I said hearing but wanting to deafen. ‘Lo it's just a shifting that's all' she said and I said yes again and then I said ‘I love you Iz.' ‘Baby I know you do just peace yourself for now please try and peace yourself Iz said. ‘We get together tomorrow.' ‘With Jude?' I asked. ‘Tomorrow yeah but not always Jude track her own private schedule you know' Iz said. ‘That'll be nice' I said fudging. ‘There be something downcoming soon you know. Everything's charged' she said. ‘Everything where?' I asked hardly hearing myself sounding little girly. ‘Streetways. Something's downcoming. Evil craziness of the
worst kind I spec. Set yourself to toe the line or rub it one' Iz said. ‘You know?' I asked. ‘I feel' Iz said. ‘I feel too love you' I said again and she cried I gave ear to her tears a long time. ‘See you come morning baby night night' she said and clicked.

I'm unsoulled Anne I'm racked total now constant I never felt so lone bereft lifelong. It's an evil year when everbody skips me first my Brearley friends then Daddy Boob and now Mama and Iz gone gone the same day. Rethinking what's already downgone my aching breaks me open like I'm bleeding everywhere an allover visit from granny. We lived right one time Anne and then it all popped there's no knowing why there's not. What did I do to bring down this what. When I solo now I feel constant set to blow like I could bloody everbody I see unreasoned I know but that's that. I don't see how it's handleable but everbody bypasses somehow they say but it's hard to think I will there's too much I hate now. What did I do Anne what did I do.

JULY
3

I rang Mama today and we worded as much as we could. They'd doped her full it was clear so she slurred and blurred when she talked and sometimes she didn't sense however close I gave ear. ‘Angel thank you so much for bringing me here don't know what I'd done if you hadn't' Mama said. ‘They stopped me from seeing you' I told. ‘Sweetie I know I asked for my baby but they said sorry no exceptions whatever the case it's a question of infection and safety' Mama said. ‘They say I'm infective?' I asked unsurprised they'd so claim cause that's my feeling now that I'm bad news to whoever and all. ‘Sweetie no rather if you're infected coming to visit then you could sue' she said. ‘You better?' I asked. ‘I think so darling but it's hard to tell sometimes' Mama said. Her voice sounded like she was half asleep so we didn't go on long. She says they'll out her in a few days
she just needs more checking. It fears me cause you always read about people who hospital and then never come out but as usual there's nada doable.

This afternoon Iz and Jude and me hooked up not for long. It weirds me Anne now it's almost as if we never bedded close almost like we were two worlded. They worded some about greenasses closing ranks like they waited the volcano anyday and told about Esther and how she hasn't dropped yet but nada else about nothing. After a while I took leave and homed solo sitting here and wishing it would darken. When badness settles why does everbody after act like whatever happened didn't happen? I mean not that it's forgiven forgotten but that nada bad ever downwent ever. That's how it seemed Anne we all stood round wording bout mindlost things and the true importants never rose. It's like painting shit gold it show pretty but it still shit.

Mister Mossbacher's accountant rang tonight wanting that five dollars. I clicked him dead and then kitchened myself feeling full ready to go post office Anne I took a pot and beat it on the table breaking it and the table fearing me plenty and worst of all Anne worst of all once I was done I felt no better like I still wanted blood. It crazes me having those notions but it livens me too like I couldn't go without them anymore. When I eye myself mirrored I don't see me anymore it's like I got replaced and didn't know it but I'm still here underneath I'm still here.

JULY
4

Iz and Jude and me prepped to downtown tonight to see fireworks but they got cancelled because of worsening situations. So I'm homing giving ear to noise out and boiling in. There's naught to be done except rack and rage there's no ridding the feel. When I let myself memory it helps but then I hit a bad one and start dwelling and then everthing circles round again. City fireworks would have
topped all Anne I looked forward to seeing them. Summers past we were on the Island and watched them out there Boob called them fireflowers when she was little. It's long gone now so it's unmattered.

Holidays pain your soul so Anne you always think where you've been and who with every year counting back and when they're gone like this year the ache won't stop. Even when we weren't moneyed here everthing safed long as Daddy lived once he went it all crumbled fast. He glued it somehow and it roughed but worked and now no. If Daddy was alive it wouldn't be like this it wouldn't. He'd be here if the store didn't ex him if Mister Mossbacher didn't ex him. If not for him we'd be safer we would. If not for him.

JULY
5

Everthing downcame today Anne the world's spinning out and I spec we finally all going to be riding raw. Morning-side when I woke it was ninety already and I was swimming. A half hour passed and then Iz phoned saying ‘Meet us at 125th there's gonna be heavy action.' ‘What is it?' ‘Looks like we're gonna be doing some occupying ourselves' she said. ‘Dress down.'

I wore heavy jeans and my cowboy boots and a tight tee that was hard to grab onto. Jude and Iz had cornered at the elevated station when we met up. Thousands of people were streeted Anne most of them unarmed but some packing homemade product. The armed ones slung bats and axes and bags of rocks and bricks. Nobody was acting they just stood round in midstreet stopping traffic. The crowd was pulling down the wall built in the center of 125th breaking up the cement block. Horns blared and sirens flared and lights flashed downstreet but nobody moved far they just waited.

‘What's up?' I asked. ‘Madness plainfaced that's all' said Iz. ‘Everbody aiming to march downtown tell em to get the
greenasses out. Give em their own medicine.' ‘Bad news on the front page it's a mean bunch we got here' said Jude. ‘I been giving ear nightlong to what's downcoming. Time's come.' ‘Is it everybody or just some?' I asked. ‘Not everbody. Pit Bulls they happy with things that are so they're lowlaying today. Older gangstaboys don't want no messin either but they've handed off now' said Jude.

People continued gathering like they were concert going. Broadway filled topfull as far uptown as was seeable and 125th all the way east. When you firstglanced it showed like a black ocean but when you closed in you saw all types in on it, black white Asian and Latin. They waved banners reading
ENOUGHS ENOUGH
and
STOP THE KILL
and
NO JUSTICE NO MERCY.
I eyed round for Army or blueboys but didn't spot either they must have been hiding with the Pit Bulls I thought. ‘We joinin in?' I asked. ‘We're right to protest we have to say what's seen' said Iz. ‘It's bad news' Jude said headshaking. ‘What's fretting you Jude what's feared?' Iz asked. ‘Everbody do this they just gonna come back bad twiceover and worsen things even more than they are' Jude said. ‘Maybe so but enough's enough Jude' Iz said and I specked most everyone talked this way but of course I couldn't give ear to them all. ‘I say let's go too. They just marching what's doable about that?' Iz asked. Jude headshook but didn't leave. ‘Bad news' she kept saying.

We were total surrounded by then like on the rush hour train. A minute later we felt the press behind us as people started footing down Broadway and we moved with them sticking close. ‘Don't separate whatever happens' Jude said taking our hands. As everyone crowded off they took up both sides of Broadway from curb to curb even under the el tracks. Everybody steamed and heated it was so hot already. The sun shined up buildings westways making them gold but you couldn't see five blocks straightfaced, the sky hazed so. All through Morningside Heights everybody stillipped pacing off slow. People in the buildings
above looked out their windows and then shut themselves in. Around Columbia the security guards lined tight arm in arm walling off the campus. Eyeballing past them through the gates I saw a crowd like ours bearing down Amsterdam. ‘See we just marching that's all' Iz said. ‘How far?' I asked. ‘City Hall I spec if they let us midtown certain' she said. We lowspoke even in the crowd cause just then it was almost like we'd be shouting in church if we'd worded normal.

At 96th Street is a hill that goes up five blocks before Broadway slopes slow down to midtown. Once we hit 90th everyone buzzed and started pacing faster. It weirded Anne I didn't notice we hustled up till we were briskfooting, not overmuch but like when you hurry for the bus after school. The talking upvolumed and we heard chants farther back. Ahead of us people raised their banners and sticks. Cars stopped at the side streets honking unable to pass. Down the park in midstreet marchers crunched through the bushes hacking at the trees. My forehead beaded sweat and I happied I'd hacked my hair cause if I hadn't I'd have been dying it was so hot and when I looked at Jude and Iz I saw their faces shine.

There were Army boys at 86th positioned on either side lifting their guns but not shooting. They lined the sidewalks eyeing us not moving. ‘Maybe we better break' Jude said to us. ‘Howso Jude we're bounded' Iz said and she truthed we were in midcrowd several blocks from the head but moving through gradual. We started trotting feeling our heels getting bumped by those coming up and we held up our elbows to keep a distance and not get split up. The chants loudened and we joined in saying Fight the Power Fight Fight. Soon I heated so I started cooling again feeling my face be breezed as we zipped on and after 79th it was like I air raced Anne I didn't effort I just held Jude's hand tight and we sailed on.

At 72nd the Army boys had personnel carriers blockading the cross streets and Amsterdam south of Broadway that's where they meet up. The crowd coming that way
mixed into ours everbody making room as they could. Nobody stood streetside now we took the sidewalks rushing down hotfooting almost faster and faster. Just before we reached Lincoln Center we heard glass break somewhere close but far. We clung tighter and moved faster running now though we weren't in a flat sprint. ‘Shit this getting bad' I heard Jude say. ‘Prep yourself to bolt' she told us. We kept together but it wasn't easy since people were heading every which way jumping the stores and smashing the windows they hadn't smashed and pushing over the cars blocked off in the side streets. Cops blued the plaza at Lincoln Center watching us walling off Columbus south of where it cuts through Broadway. I dumbfounded Anne seeing another huge crowd coming down Columbus and mixing in with us moving as fast.

Somebody bricked a window with a smash and that did it. Seconds after that first brick flew everybody updown heaved whatever they carried if they carried. All the windows in those blocks sounded to break at once and even in midcrowd glass rained us. People fired the trees in the squares in front of the Center and started trashing stores and restaurants. We kept running almost full tilt now still holding on to one another. Looking left I saw that Central Park West was jammed topfull too heading to where we'd mix total at Columbus Circle. We must have emptied uptown Anne and there was no saying who joined on the way. Looking skyways we saw dozens of copters police and Army overhead whirring and swinging low. Midtown showed dead ahead all its towers fuzzed and hazed in the bad air. It thrilled so Anne we sped free listening to breaking glass sound like all the windows were blowing sametime. I adrenalized and near started jumping while I went running crazy day wild.

Then we hit Columbus Circle which is opened up full. One corner is the park and where Central Park West comes through along with 59th and Broadway shoots through the middle. On the other side is a big vacant lot which was
blanketed over with police. It evidenced plain the Army set to stop everybody there before they rocked midtown. We didn't see right off what downwent but we heard. The crowd was shouting deaf loud and then the Army started shooting. They set machine guns along the south end of the circle and once the north end filled with people they let loose.

Usually you floor yourself when you hear guns go and lots did but they were stomped flat when everybody frontways circled round ungripping me and Iz and Jude. Everybody screamed to madden and then they went. A man pushed me over and momentslong I specked I'd be tramped too but I landed high and pulled back up. Then I shoved back going over under aiming sideways. The copters started buzzing and strafing and there was nowhere they didn't aim even shooting out the glass in the buildings. Everybody pressed so my feet lost their boots. I was thoughtless Anne there was nothing doable but haul and fly whoever I stomped getting out and I did. I punched back when I got punched and kicked and cursed and finally sidewalked myself. I came out on the west side by the Bible Society building which was all shot up and started eyeing round for Iz and Jude. The cops started north clubbing handy heads and shouting through their bullhorns yelling go to your homes go to your homes while they swung. I sided myself against the building watching blueboys beat and maim and marchers drop and tumble. It nervestrings me now rethinking it Anne but just then I froze myself unable to move I was so hopped. Soon I thought I was safed cause Broadway started emptying mostly. Hundreds must have headed parkways but there were plenty more still lying there. The street wasn't seeable because of the bodies shot and stomped flat. The copters kept swooping down shooting and the blueboys kept swinging and then Army trucks and hummers brought up the rear aiming north. Some Army boys packed bazookas and flamethrowers and I couldn't believe they used them but I spec they did. Every siren citywide must have been awail. Then I saw a stupefying
thing Anne. Through the midst of everything a limo drove through aiming uptown. It passed broad as day on Broadway like nada troubled bumping over the streeted bodies like potholes. It was like all limos wide as my room and black and with midnight windows you couldn't see through. On the driver door was a bloodspattered smiley face.