Random Acts of Senseless Violence (30 page)

Boxcutter or no I readied to lunge cause I didn't like the way he worded her. He was smaller than Weezie was wiry but I was reddened like Mama. ‘You're a horrible man' Mama said. ‘You worked him to death and you talked to
him like he was a dog and now you're stealing money from his children.' Get the fuck out of my fucking store Mister Mossbacher yelled screaming in her face and waving the boxcutter. I prepped but before there was jumping one of the guards showed and he was packing like all of them. ‘There's no reason for you to talk to me this way' Mama said. Get the fuck out of here or I'm calling the police Mister Mossbacher said. Your husband couldn't work for shit anyway take them out Felix and don't ever let them in again he told the guard.

‘You'll be hearing from my lawyer' Mama told Mister Mossbacher. Lady if you're hounding me for checks how the fuck will you pay a lawyer? he said laughing and taking books out of the box again. Felix the guard took our arms and marched us down the aisle not saying anything. He held us at the entrance while other guards looked in our purses and brisked us updown rough. Mama closed her eyes while they felt her and I keened to blow oh Anne it was like with Weez I was set to go post office but it scares me so when I do I didn't. I wanted to ex Mister Mossbacher and pain him through and through. There's nobody I hate as much as I hate Mister Mossbacher.

When they finished copping feels the guards shoved us outside. Mama started crying. People onceovered us and kept walking. ‘Mama it's all right' I said trying to hearten her. ‘No it's not all right it's never all right' she said pushing me away. That almost did it Anne I almost ran back storeways. First he killed Daddy I thought and now he'd torn Mama so she was after me. She hugged me then saying ‘Oh my angel I'm so sorry I'm so so sorry that awful man just upset me so' and if she hadn't distracted I aimed to get him. Mister Mossbacher doesn't deserve to have a store Anne he doesn't deserve to walk like normal people he doesn't deserve to live. I hate him hate him hate him.

We came back home and kitchened ourselves and tried to figure how to money ourselves but it doesn't longrun good. ‘Angel I was counting on that money I don't know what
we'll do I'm beside myself trying to pay rent and utilities I don't know how we'll eat' she said. ‘Don't fret yourself Mama we'll eat' I said. Mama has manuscripts but she's only being paid now for ones she did in April and being paid new money besides. I better stay far from Excelsior cause if I ever see him again that'll be judgment day for Mister Mossbacher.

Mama cried and cried. Sometimes I wish I could drip when I wanted. Time to bedaway Anne I'm deepdown tired.

JUNE
7

Met Jude and Iz today shorttime because Iz churched this morning and again tonight and Jude was meeting a friend downtown. It startled Anne she was business dressed almost. She wore a wig with long straight Barbie hair except it was black and makeup and a short tight black dress that showed her legs. She looked ten years older. ‘You're sure it's you?' I asked. ‘Somewhere in here' she said. ‘Are you partying?' I asked. ‘We going to a restaurant so I can stuff then whatever' she said. Iz told me Jude dudes when she goes downtown but I didn't know how much. She prettied so we just sat and eyed her updown. It's not how I'd ever want to look but it suits her.

‘Before I church I'm gonna run by Esther and see her again wanta come?' Iz asked me. ‘I think I should stay Mama she's upping and downing' I said. ‘Our last school day's Wednesday let's get together then' Iz said. ‘Okay' I said. ‘We busy on Wednesday Iz' Jude said. ‘Doing what?' Iz said. ‘We busy' Jude said. ‘You say we busy but I don't know what we busy at.' ‘Think about it' Jude said staring at Iz. Iz put her head down a second and then said ‘That's right Lola I forgot.' ‘That's all right' I said. ‘Maybe Thursday or Friday.' ‘Maybe' Iz said. I willied some watching Jude eye Iz and I thought I better lipstill. A little later we said goodbye. Iz said she'd call.

I am worried about Mama Anne. Tonight we watched the news some but she finally made me turn it off it depressed so. She read over papers that had to do with Daddy in the kitchen but didn't mail anything out. She has manuscripts to proofread but didn't work on them tonight. I don't spec that'll money us enough either but Mama doesn't tell and I don't ask. The new rent is only twenty new dollars a month but it's still more than we probably have. I miss Boob a lot but I miss Daddy the most.

JUNE
9

A new bill collector called today huffing like he was going post office even before I said hello. This is about the payment due where's your father? he asked. ‘Dead' I said. Don't you know you'll go to hell if you tell lies he said. ‘Maybe but I'm truthing he's cold dead and if he owed you you're fucked' I told him. That worked in shushing him Anne maybe because I said it so little girl like. He lipstilled for a second and I hung up before he could start in again. He didn't recall so I spec he guiltied enough to cave at least for now.

Bad dreams stir me nightlong Anne. The one last night was nothing but bad craziness. I was sitting in my room with a Siamese cat. The cat eyed me and nodded its head. Though it kept wordless I heard it say rat. I scoped Mama's bedroom where she bedded there naked. A dog ugly rat facecrawled her. When I stood doorways it hopped down and walked past me kitchen ways while I stilled. Then I took a hammer from a drawer and got behind the rat. I fullarm hammered its head five or six times. While I was swinging it turned into a turtle and moved its head round to stare at me. I heard it crack when I hit it and I stopped hitting and then I woke up shaking in wet sheets.

When Iz called tonight I told her my dream. ‘Crazy girl' she said and she's dead on. She says she can bed here Friday night. Oh Anne that hearthappies me nobody else hears when I word except you problem is you don't talk back.

JUNE
12

Pardon my writing you being so on again off again Anne but now that it's summer I sleep in and then daylong I busy myself and then come night it's just like schooltime I don't feel keen to pen. Today I went walking starting down Broadway and fastfooting till I midtowned. When I hit Excelsior I stopped outside cause when I looked in I saw him. Mister Mossbacher stood windowsided by the cashiers and he screamed blood murder at them like he'd been deepdown hurt but I knew he was just looning. He was wildeyed and shouted so you could hear him through the glass. For a second I thought I should go in but then I thought how the guards would be giving me a layon of hands so I rounded the block instead. If I'd gone in or if he'd come out I don't know what I'd have done but I'd have done something.

I subwayed home. Greenasses march through the trains now slinging their guns up like their dicks so big they got to throw them over their shoulder. After they leave the cars riders mutter but otherwise do nada I spec they like me and think if there's going to be shooting they don't keen on being the ones being shot. It's occupatory democracy they call it on TV but I say these Army boys hang where they shouldn't be hanging myself. They irked but didn't madden what most racked me on the way back was the way Mister Mossbacher did Mama and Daddy. There's no excusing it Anne. I boiled so that when a man accidentally foot-stomped me coming out I nearly hopped up to hit him but didn't. My unreasoning fretted me so I ran inside when I got here and started writing so I could blow safe.

Iz gets here in another hour or so and I watch the minutes change on the clock wishing I could doubletime them and speed her here. It's like waiting for Christmas Anne when I think of Iz I almost stop seeing Mister Mossbacher's puss. I love her Anne I really do. Fifty three minutes to Iz exact but she always lates.

* * *

JUNE
13

Damn it Anne damn it damn it damn it. There's no wording proper what downed last night. The world brutalizes however you live it whatever you do. Everything started so good Anne Iz came and we ate dinner and tubed and talked and just had heaven time. Before she showed I feared Jude might come too because she has a standing invite too but she didn't. Iz said she was with a downtown friend so she was occupied.

Mama headed bedways early. She never tells but I spec she's upped her dose this week she's giddied some and nods easy. It frets me but her docs know best I imagine and if she hadn't been medicated tonight I can't say how she'd have done. In any event once she faded me and Iz hit the sheets and played till we were drippy wet. As usual once we settled again we lay in the dark talking all the air out. ‘What was it you couldn't remember you were doing with Jude?' I asked. ‘When?' Iz said and it's goofed but true Anne I can already tell when she fudges and when she doesn't and she was. ‘We were going to hang Wednesday night and Jude said you couldn't because of something doing. What?' I asked. ‘Jude can't schedule for shit we were open as it turned out' Iz said. ‘Can I pin you?' I asked. ‘You can try' Iz said. ‘Did Jude say that so you and me wouldn't be girls together?' I asked. ‘There's no mindreading Jude Lola you know that. She always reasoned one way or the other' Iz said. ‘I think she's getting jealous of me' I said. ‘And she was already upset cause of me and Weez.' Iz shook her head but only a little and I guessed she knew more than she was saying. ‘Jude in a funny pass right now even fore Weez fade away. She up one day, down the next. Thing is Jude never be thinking a day ahead or a week ahead but always be aiming for twenty years away. That longterms good but shortterms bad. Each day right today has to be like she want it or she frets overmuch she won't reach payday. Once it's past it's past that's why she don't drain her brain bout Weez. But for the right now, she want everything placed where she
think it ought to be placed' Iz said stopped and then went on. ‘She not jealous about you yourself Lola. She jealous about the time I solo with you.' ‘But she's running with her other friends tonight' I said. ‘That's more work than play' Iz said. ‘It's hard to word it. She know we not always going to be girls together but even when we apart me and Jude, we're
together
together. That's our way, then now and ever.' ‘When you and Jude are girls together that's because it's how you like it right?' I asked thinking about something fretsome. ‘Uhhuh' Iz said. ‘And when we're girls together like now it's because you like it with me too right?' I asked. ‘Why else I be bedding here what's aching you girl?' she asked and kissed me. ‘But you and Jude like boys too even if you don't want to be around them now right?' ‘I spec so I can't say for Jude I think she likes herself best of all' Iz said. ‘But I don't think I'll ever like boys or want to be with them like this' I said. ‘Well that's you there's nothing wrong there' Iz said. ‘I think I
love
love you Iz. You know what's meant?' I said. She nodded. ‘That's AO' she said. ‘What are you circling round?' ‘That means I'm different' I said feeling sad because even if Iz didn't leave me to fulltime with Jude again one day she'd meet some boy more like and then I'd be left. ‘Everybody different Lo. Jude's Jude and I'm me and you're you however you are. That's how it is that's all so don't let em break you for it' Iz said. ‘Long as there's hearting there's loving whoever's heart's involved.'

‘How do you love me really?' I asked. She started kissing me again Anne and then it happened. Somebody shouted and we heard the front door smashing in and people heavyfooting inside. My bedroom door crashed open and then these helmet wearing flashlight swinging gun aiming blueboys ran in yelling don't move or you're dead freeze freeze freeze. They prepped to gun us shoving barrels against our heads before we could move. We blinded when they switched on the overhead and I felt humiliated so we weren't sheeted we were just lying there tangled and they could see everything. They dragged Mama out of her
bedroom we could hear her screaming and them shouting at her to shut up. They stood us up and grabbed our arms shoving us forward while others upturned the furniture and emptied my drawers and closet. Once they halled us we saw they floored Mama facedown yanking her arms behind her back hard enough to break them. They had guns at her head too and kept screaming shut up shut up. One kicked her in the leg when she wouldn't still. More blueboys were ripping up the living room unzipping the sofa cushions knocking over tables and pulling down the curtains. Iz statued like she wasn't inside herself anymore and I wondered if this was how they did her when they came calling on her and her mother. The one grappling me stuck his gun in my ear and I thought it was endtime Anne I did.

‘Don't hurt us please don't' I shouted but they didn't. Mama cried and screamed and they stopped kicking her. Where are they? Where? one of them kept asking her you gonna answer or what? Blueboys who'd kitchened themselves banging pots and pans on the floor like to deafen. A gasmasked hulker smashed in the TV with his gun and it popped and fizzed. Answer us where are they where where? the one on top of Mama kept shouting and he put his gun at the back of her head. I didn't fight to loose myself because I specked they'd flash trigger so I stood there staring them down. The ones who weren't busy eyed me and Iz updown. You could see their little brains click and their tongues drooling and I hated them like I hate Weez and the bill collectors and Aunt Chrissie and Brearley and Boob and Mister Mossbacher.

‘Oh God please stop what do you want what please stop' Mama shouted finally able to word clear even though they kept pulling her arms back. ‘Stop it quit hurting my mother' I yelled feeling set to blow and thank goodness I didn't because they'd have killed me in seconds but I was almost careless Anne I wasn't taking much more. Where are the men hiding we have a warrant the man atop Mama said answer or you won't see them again.