Random Acts of Senseless Violence (32 page)

JUNE
24

I'm worsening when it comes to writing Anne but my energy drains too quick sometimes. Mama's sleepless nearly ever night now and I sometimes sit with her hours-long handholding her and saying it's all right Mama it's all right. She's breaking Anne and I'm no nurse I don't know what's doable. Iz and Jude help coming by with groceries and stuff but I'm losing what I've got. I paid the phone bill but rent's coming due. I can't remember what I used to be like Anne it fears me.

* * *

JUNE
28

Friday last night and Iz came over. This time at least no blueboys barged through and we were safed and all to ourselves for awhile. Lately I spec ever time we get together it might be the last and I can't say why it's just my soul telling me. So as it circumstances I let worry slip as it may and happy while I can. We played and bedded hot hour on hour last night Anne. Why can't life be more like that more times, it unreasons so that it doesn't. People throw together for a time whether thinking they want and usually they flare eventually but sometimes they blend and when they do there's nada topping it no because when they don't they just grind and groan and moan they lives away and there's no point to living like that.

‘How you living?' Iz asked when we settled and comftied up against each other. ‘Just' I said. ‘Your mama call the aid people?' she asked. ‘We're unqualified' I said which was true. Not even Mama could explain it but it's so, we're left to our own. ‘You gone yoking anytime?' Iz asked. I head-shook. ‘That's good it's a losing prop less you're beyond caring.' ‘I'm not yet' I said. ‘That's good' Iz said.

‘Where's Jude tonight?' I asked knowing some time she'd rise up like she was there with us and figuring I might as well do the rising and be done with her. ‘Housing downtown' Iz said. ‘With one of her friends?' I asked and Iz nodded. ‘How long's Jude been doing that?' ‘She was eleven first time she say. Jude's a fast grower' Iz said. ‘Where's she meet her friends?' I asked. ‘One know another know another and she daisy chain down the run' Iz said. ‘Who are they?' ‘Bigscale shakers. Corporation boys. The ones who do the owning, you know. As told, Jude's picky choosy. She don't go with just any of them and the ones she goes with have to put plenty gravy on the plate' Iz said. ‘They fund her?' ‘Usually.' ‘Does she always have to sex them?' ‘Not always some of em get off easier and she know all their ways.' ‘They know how young she is?' I asked. ‘No as told she claim she ten year older. She still got the look they think
and she say once she thirty she still claim she be twenty. Go up now, go down later' Iz said. ‘Isn't it hellbound?' I asked. ‘No more than living Jude say. It's not for me, I couldn't bear those old men she tosses' Iz said. ‘She say she'll make the best of it one day so we'll see.' ‘How much do they fund her?' I asked. ‘Enough I spec' Iz said. ‘Reason she be busying so now cause of the changeover and also cause you remember when Weez degunned her?' ‘Sure' I said. ‘That's not all Weez ripped. Jude had a stash a cash in her mattress and it flyaway too. Don't know how much funding went but Jude, she'd been talking bout getting a real apartment not long before' Iz said. ‘She lipstilled about that' I said. ‘Cause it something between just me and her, Lo. We confidence each other bout some things nobody else knows about' Iz said and that saddened because I knew that meant some things about her I'd never know even though I'd never tell either. ‘Weez knew about the gun but happenstanced on the money' Iz said kissing me. ‘That's why Jude fulltilt went after Weez and why once Weez went over Jude swallowed her loss so easy. They had a cord tween em but when she took that money Weez snipped it. It evidences plain, Lo, once people start footing the DCon trail they mindlose total and there's no going back.'

Something racked me just then Anne and inside I felt total alone like I orbited solo eyeing everybody earthed below. It unreasoned my feeling that way but I did just the same. ‘How'll we endtime Iz?' I asked. ‘What's meant?' she asked back. ‘What'll happen. To you, me, Jude' I said. ‘Unknown' Iz said. ‘Spilling tomorrow into today's suited sometime but not once it darkens. Nada's changeable come nightside and all it does is waken overmuch. Got to think deep in the sun sole, you hear me?' ‘Yeah' I said loosing my hold on her so sleep could come easy. ‘I love you sis' I said and she didn't answer but she kissed me again night night. Night night. Night night.

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JUNE
30

I mailed the rent check this morning and good timing too because of something's downing and it fears me big. Mama wouldn't rise and shine after she woke her alarm rang and rang and she didn't mute it. I sat bedded myself thinking what if it rang endless because she died in midnight? Finally I hauled up and eyed round her door to see but she was still here just silenced that's all. ‘Mama what's aching you?' I asked and she just shook her head. ‘Oh angel I just can't get up anymore' she finally said. ‘There's no ending it there's no changing it there's no nothing.' ‘That's stupid talk' I said taking her hands which were icecold. Mama lidded her eyes while wording and I knew she'd medicated and that fears me so Anne cause I spec she'll overgo sometime the way she is and then what? ‘It's all right' I kept saying, ‘It's all right.' I don't know if she believed but she sleepied eventually and once she was out I hid her extra pills between my bed and mattress. She wasn't as supplied as I thought ten to one the blueboys confiscated plenty for resale when they rocked our house. If she exes I don't know what would downcome.

Then Chrissie called and lucky me I got to word her and give ear. ‘Does she sleep all day every day?' she asked when I told her Mama was bedded and incommunicado. ‘No she's just racked' I said. ‘What are you saying get her up' Chrissie said. ‘She's too tired tell what needs telling and I'll pass on' I said. ‘My God Lola Cheryl was right you've become completely unreasonable that's what she told me and she's absolutely right go get your mother' Chrissie said. ‘She's asleep' I said fixing to boil. ‘I can't believe your disobedience you won't be that way with me you know' Chrissie said. ‘Known cause I never be with you' I said. ‘Can't you even speak English?' Chrissie asked. ‘I want to word Boob where is she?' I asked. ‘Cheryl doesn't want to speak to you she's told me what you've become and let me tell you I was horrified. You know where you're going when you die young lady and you're not going to like it believe
me' Chrissie said. ‘Maybe I will' I said and hung up sick of hearing her. I knew Boob would say something but who knows what between her fearing and Chrissie twisting whatever she tells well they can sky high with what's imagined about what they think I am. I almost go mind-lost thinking how Chrissie said I was hellbound and maybe so but if she's not there that plusses going there twiceover. God Anne I hate Chrissie I hate Chrissie.

Mister Mossbacher came out under his rock to letter us today. He wrote saying his accountant accidentally moneyed Daddy an extra five in a May paycheck and that if we didn't reimburse the lawyers would have us. Five dollars Anne and he's after us for blood. I took the letter kitchenways and torched it on the burner. Then I put it in the sink watching it burn crispy black and then I drained the ash. Let his lawyers come they'll regret. Oh Anne it aches me thinking that growing adult grinds you so that it's certified you old enough to run loose you be thereafter constant beset by evil craziness. Every adult I know is mindlost and worsening daylong and I'm crazy enough now.

JULY
2

This morning Mama started coming kitchenways while I was sitting there eating cereal. First off I thought how she looked better but I erred. She sudden went floorways and momentslong it seemed like she'd gone away but she hadn't. I hopped to help her running over seeing if she'd hurt herself tumbling but it didn't seem so she just said ‘Oh darling I'm done there's no getting around it.' ‘You're not done that's crazed don't lie like that' I said. ‘My legs are numb sweetie it's almost as if I didn't have them anymore though I know they're there' Mama said. I touched her knee saying ‘Feel that?' ‘Sort of angel but it might be because I see your hand there' she said. ‘We should call the doctor' I said but Mama stood up saying ‘Angel it's
nothing and besides we owe him too much he'll bar his door if we were to show up.' ‘That's deadhead' I said. ‘Yes sweetie but that's the way of the world I'll be all right I just feel a little funny that's all' she told me. Propping herself doorways she hung there a second headshaking and then she smiled. ‘There now see good as new however it may have seemed at first oh darling I'm sort of itchy do I have anything crawling on me?' She turned and dropped her robe and I eyed her back seeing nada. ‘No' I said. ‘You're sure angel I think I can feel big bugs are you sure there's nothing?' Mama asked. ‘Mama there's not no' I said. ‘Very well sweetie but I think there are' she said smiling and scratching herself. She bled in one or two places where she dug too deep. ‘I think there are.'

I rebedded her Anne and then rang her main doc. Nurse said less we advance paid the old bills and new bill full it'd be pointless showing though. ‘Mama's crazy sick I think' I said but she wouldn't slack nurse just said that wasn't their responsibility. Then I buzzed 911 but nobody answered and I finally got a disconnect every time I tried. Spying on Mama I saw she'd gone bellywhite and shook till she rattled. ‘Mama should we hospital you?' I asked. ‘Oh sweetie you know hospitals I'll go in and then never come out again once you're in you're in' Mama said.

The way she was feared me so I gritted and then called Iz hoping her mother wouldn't answer the phone though of course she did. When she worded me I shorttalked to try and throw her but who knows if it did. ‘Izthere?' I mumbled. ‘Just a minute' she said sounding beset. Iz picked up momentslong. ‘Mama's shaping bad and needs to hospital can you help Iz?' I asked. ‘Which hospital I meet you there' she said. ‘St Luke's' I told her since that was closest. ‘You get there AO?' Iz asked. ‘Should.' ‘I be in ER don't fret' she said and got off.

Mama and me taxied to the hospital and we shoved up to the linehead where they admitted. Nurses triaged Mama through cause they saw she looked like she was skirting the
boneyard. While they processed her I detailed the facts I knew for the nurses telling where born where live where who why. I'd pocketed Daddy's Guild insurance papers when we rolled and once I gave them over they smoothed and stopped shouting questions at me. Trouble was once they quieted I couldn't give ear as well cause the screams were so loud. The room was full of sickies and oldsters and hospital guards packing Army arms and all of them big-mouthed at once till my head rang. Emergency workers ran through constant shouting watch your back carrying in shootees and bloody babies and brokenhead people who somebody bashed. Worst of all while I hung there telling what they wanted I eyed a big rat creepcrawling along the wall behind seats where people sat. A guard spotted it too and before it could escape he caved it in with his gunbutt splattering everywhere.

When everything was documented I eyed round to see if Iz had come but she hadn't. While they worked over Mama not telling how she was I waited and waited and waited but Iz didn't show. I squeezed in to an old man who slept they kept him so long. He slumped forward until his magazine slipped his hands. I handed it back sliding it on his lap. I ached and maddened that Iz hadn't showed yet cause she claimed she would and a claim's nearly promise. Before I could mope it though I got distracted by another familiar.

‘They testing your mama or what?' Jude asked me springing behind me like to yoke. ‘It's unsaid' I said. ‘Where's Iz?' ‘Iz be booked familyways half the time and got her own life you hear? She had to company her Meemaw this morning' Jude said. ‘She didn't say when I called' I said. ‘Iz hear you upset bout you own so she not gonna throw hers onto you. She try being too much to too many and that's bad for her' Jude said. ‘What's meant?' I asked. ‘Nada just facing fact' Jude said but she was lying not truthing, it evidenced plain.

‘When Iz beds over at my place does that ache you or what Jude?' I asked. She eyed ceilingways while she worded
me and that closed it I knew she jealoused over us or me in particular. ‘I know she tell you how we be,' she said. ‘You awared but you keep on wedging in. Maybe I'm not faultless but nobody here is. See there's lines and when they get crossed too much spills.' ‘Iz likes coming over she likes seeing me' I said. ‘Known. But you both young girls and you besides never gonna know how Iz really is' Jude said. ‘What's meant?' I asked. ‘Way you are' Jude said. ‘How's that?' I asked. ‘Don't need saying it's already known' Jude said. ‘Say' I said. But before she could the old man thudded floorways. Jude and me moved to help but guards shoved us away. Holding his wrist they checked to see if he pulsed and signalled a nurse while we eyed what downwent. Two orderlies came out and carried him off. I think he slept all the way away Anne but nobody said and we didn't ask.

‘They keeping your mama long as they kept him?' Jude asked. I headshook not knowing but hoping not. ‘Hear' I said. ‘Nada's wrong with me cause I girl exclusive. If you and Iz like boys too that's your life. She help me with that and there's no denying.' Jude stared me updown like I dumbfounded her. ‘Girl that's not what's meant' she said. ‘We're tribal. You're not. Her flinging with you's a catkiller nada more. Am I incoming or not?'

She uprighted before me with noselifting attitude. ‘That's racist' I said. ‘That's fact' she told me. ‘I gotta appointment this after so I better go. Look we call you later see how you be. AO?' I nodded and she left. I sat myself and thought and thought about what she said. Maybe it's true that what's blooded tops all but if so it's a worse world than I ever specked Anne that limits who's close overmuch and divides and conquers just like the big boys want. Love's love whoever's loving Anne it always seemed to me and I've been wrong so much I can't be wrong there too. Maybe I never will know Iz like Jude knows her but maybe it works two ways and she'll never know Iz like I know her either who's to say. Anyway as it circumstanced that's how that
went and it left me clouded over like deep December. There's no comfort to it no hope no Iz if that's how it really be.