Reckless Secrets (25 page)

"No, wait! No, of course not. Logan, please!" I hated the desperate note in my voice that exposed my breaking heart. "It's just—"

"I'm too fragile to trust. Damaged. Unable to cope."

"No—"

"You didn't want to hear my advice because it's so lame and goes against what you want to do, what you know is right?" He stood up as I frantically scrambled to put my laptop back in my backpack and reached for my coat.
 

"Screw it, El!" His voice was like quiet thunder, frightening in its intensity. He turned and pushed his way through a group of guys looking for a study table.

I shoved my chair back and stood. "Logan! Don't be like that. Don't walk out on me."

He had turned and didn't look back. It was stone silent in the lounge around me. I stood in a sea of curious, uneasy eyes and sympathetic looks, frozen.

One of the guys in the group Logan had pushed through looked at me. "Are you going to be using that table?"

I grabbed my coat, slid it on, and picked up my backpack, leaving my coffee behind. "It's yours. Enjoy." I held my chin high and pushed my way through the crowded lounge, breaking into a run when I hit the exit, chasing after Logan.

I pushed through the doors into the cold winter evening that matched my heart. Snow was beginning to fall. But Logan was gone. I put one hand over my mouth to hold my sobs in. I would not cry. I would not. But tears stung my eyes as I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and desperately texted Logan.
I'm sorry.

I held the phone as I walked back to the dorm, waiting. I waited and waited, but Logan was silent.

"Logan broke up with you? I can't believe it." Tay had her arm around me as I sat on my bed in my dorm room.

Bre and Nic hovered nearby, offering moral support and sympathetic ears.

My eyes were red and swollen. "The breaking-up part is ambiguous. Does
Screw it, El
mean we're done?" I snorted.

"Well, ambiguity is something," Nic said. "He left the door open, even if it's only a crack. You can still fix this. Once he calms down, you talk to him."

"He's not texting me back."

"Stupid asshole men. He'll calm down," Bre said, offering a platitude. "They always do."

"He loves you, Ellie!" Tay squeezed my shoulder. "He's just upset."

I sniffed. "Yeah, I knew he would be. That was why I didn't tell him." I dabbed at my eyes with the tissue. "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I'd told him…"

"You can't live in maybe land," Tay said. "You have to deal with what you have."

I nodded.

Our room was old with built-in floor-to-ceiling closet/cupboards that had two lower drawers. Bre went to hers, opened one of the drawers, and pulled out a giant-size chocolate bar and a bottle of vodka. "But for now, you need comfort. Chocolate and booze." She grabbed four red plastic cups and poured a round that she mixed with orange juice from our mini fridge. When we all had a glass and a hunk of chocolate, Bre raised her glass in toast. "To breakups and making up in style."

I chugged my drink, feeling the burn all the way down, hoping the buzz would do something to heal my heart. "You all agreed with my plan for dealing with Byron," I said.
 

Nic looked at me over her drink and shook her head. "I had my doubts."

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm not trying to pass on the blame. I did what I did. I just thought it was a good plan."

Tay nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, it was. I mean, it would have worked if Logan hadn't found out. That was the flaw."

I nodded. "That damn lab report. Why did Byron have to scribble love notes all over it?"

Nic looked at me sadly. "He's escalating, Ellie. That's probably what freaked Logan as much as anything. Given Logan's history…well, can you blame him?"

"Yeah," I said, swallowing hard. "Yeah." Nic was right.

"What are you going to do?" Bre asked. "If I were you, I'd ask my dad for advice. He's always level-headed." She shot me a sympathetic look.
 

They all knew about my mom and that I didn't have a dad. But they were wrong—I did have a dad. And Bre was right. I needed his advice. Sometimes there's no substitute for a parent. Not that I ever had a real one. But that was what I'd heard. Tomorrow after work, I'd see if Jason had a minute. I knew I could trust him to keep things secret. We were like our own society of secrets.

"And be careful about keeping secrets from Logan in the future," Tay said. "I think you have to trust him or you don't have a chance."

The dress code for chem class on Wednesday was anything black, which matched my mood perfectly. Though I thought maybe I should wear scarlet and stick out. Or wear that "hot" red sweater defiantly and just let Byron find me. That would be more courageous. Or maybe it would just send the wrong message again. I had to do something. Logan still hadn't texted me back and I was sinking further into the abyss of despair every hour.
 

"You're going to have to stop this dressing-alike thing," I told Dex. "I can handle myself."

"Hey, calm down. I'm sure you can," Dex said. "But this is so much fun."

I glared at him.

"What happened?" Dex asked.

"Logan found out about Byron's notes to me."

"Oh," Dex said, and let things drop.

I was nervous all day about work. I arrived early, before Logan. I jumped every time the door opened. At that rate I was going to have a heart attack before I was twenty. Finally, he came in. I looked up at him, certain he was going to blow me off and walk right past me.
 

To my surprise, he approached my desk. "We need to talk." His tone was still distant, but it had a hint of apology in it. At least he wasn't completely freezing me out. And he looked miserable, almost as miserable as I felt.
 

I couldn't tell if that was good or bad, in my favor or not.

I nodded.

"Later," he said. "Not right after work. I have some shit I have to do first."

"Sure."

"I'll call you."

"Great."

He nodded. "Now, what assignments do you have for me today?"

I handed him a printout. I had emailed him his assignments as soon as I'd arrived. So he could have avoided me if he'd wanted to. That gave me hope, too. I didn't mention it and neither did he. He simply took the paper I handed him and left.

Karen gave me a puzzled look.
 

"It's nothing," I said before she could ask. I didn't need her nosing into my business.

Karen left early. I caught Jason just before it was time for me to get off shift. "Do you have a few minutes? I need to talk. I could use your advice."

"Is this about Logan?" he asked.
 

I nodded. He would have had to be inhuman not to notice the icy atmosphere between us. "And more."

Jason nodded. "I always have time for you. Close the door."

I nodded, closed the door behind me, and took a seat in the guest chair in front of his desk. "I need some fatherly advice."

His eyes lit up like he was happy about getting to play dad. "Shoot."

I bit my lip, took a deep breath, and plunged in, telling him the whole story. His face grew grimmer with each detail I shared.
 

"So Logan saw my chemistry lab write-up," I said in conclusion. "And went ballistic on me."

Jason sighed. "This is some serious stuff. I see why it upset Logan, particularly given his history. I'm not happy about it myself. Do you still have the lab report?"

I nodded. "It's at my desk."

"I'd like to see it."

I ran and got it and set it in front of him. He scooped it in front of him and began reading. I sat quietly watching him, though I was so nervous I felt I could explode.

Jason looked directly at me. "You can't let this go. You have to put a stop to it. I can talk to the head of the chem department for you. Dr. Black is an acquaintance of mine."

"No," I said. "I don't want Byron to get in trouble because of me."

"Ellie—"

"Byron's harmless. Really, he is. I flirted with him, okay? I know it was wrong. I don't want him to get in trouble because of me. Isn't there anything I can do before going to the department head?"

"Don't take the blame, Ellie. Byron's a grown man. He's responsible for his own actions. Just because you baked him cookies and batted your eyes, doesn't mean he has to cross a line and start stalking you with love notes in your lab reports."

I nodded again, knowing he was right about that, too.

Jason sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm still leery about this. But if you insist, you could confront Byron, tell him there's been a misunderstanding, that you don't reciprocate his feelings, and tell him to stop."

I nodded. I knew Jason was right.

"If he doesn't, we'll have to take this to a higher level." Jason picked up my lab report and rattled it in front of him.

"Okay."

"I'd feel better if someone went with you," Jason said. "It's always good to have a witness to verify what went on. And to play bodyguard. I'd be happy to go with you."

I tried to lighten the mood. "Don't even think about it. I can't have my dad go with me. That's lame."

He smiled softly. "Take Logan. That will show you trust him and allow him to protect you."

I stared at Jason. The idea was brilliant, but…
 

"Wait. Aren't you the one who warned me about Logan? You're not worried he'll take a swing at Byron? Does this mean you approve of Logan?"

Jason's smile grew. "The jury's still out. But I have more faith in him than you think. He's been through a lot. But he has a strong character. He needs the opportunity to let it shine. And since I seem unable to stop you two…"

I grinned back at Jason, feeling much better. "Okay. It's a deal. But what if Byron retaliates with my grade?"

"Then we'll take this to a higher level. If he's at all rational, he won't even think about it."

I nodded. "You are wise." I should have come to him in the first place.

Jason smiled back at me. "I have a bit more life experience than you do." He shook the lab report. "You need to hang on to this. It's our ace in the hole. Let's hope we don't need it."

I agreed. "I hope I won't lose it in my room."

"I can lock it in the file cabinet for you."

"That would be awesome."

Jason got up and filed it.
 

I stood to go. "Thank you for the advice. I really needed a dad to talk to." My voice broke and my eyes filled with tears of relief. I meant every word I said.

Jason took a step into me and tipped my chin up so I was looking him in the eye. "I know this sounds crazy, but when I held Mia for the first time, I looked into her scrunched, screaming face and fell in love with her. Knowing you're my daughter, too, when I look at you, I feel the same way."

He pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my head against his chest, feeling the steady beat of my dad's heart reassuring me.

"It's going to be okay," he said. "I'll make sure it's okay."

A stream of light from the outer office came in through his door. I must not have latched it all the way when I came back in and now it had slid open. I heard laughter and voices in the hall outside the outer IT department offices.

"I love you, Ellie," Jason said.

"I love you, too." As I spoke those damning words, Jason's office door fell wide open.

Logan stood in it holding a single red rose, looking pale and stunned. Lyssa stood next to him, wearing a matching expression. I had a flashback to Doug and me catching Austin and Mom on the sofa. But it was like I was out of my body, looking back on Doug and me.

Logan's face clouded with rage and hurt.