Red Dirt Diary 3 (19 page)

Yeah, right. The whole pit trap thing worked so well on the foxes at Hillrose Poo, didn't it????

12.25 am

Feathers is on his way!

Mat was plucking her eyebrows — because that's what you do when you're dying of starvation and hypothermia — when Wes got the brilliant idea. He and Fez climbed as high as they could up a gumtree. They dragged Feathers up to them in a pulley made from ropes and a tea cosy. Fez held Feathers out in his hands while Wes used the tweezers to pluck his tail. Feathers squawked in shock, flapped up into the air and disappeared.

He hasn't returned so we're hoping that he's on his way to Hardbake Plains.

Maybe we won't die out here after all.

1.15 am

Worms was so hungry, he ate Mat's cherry-flavoured lip gloss. Then he started on her apple-scented shampoo. He was frothing at the mouth!

Mat was furious. She tied him up with Wes's rope so that he can't interfere with any more of her precious beauty products. She used three overhand knots, two figure-eight knots, then
finished off with an exploding knot just to make sure he can't get free. The Colonel's outdoor adventure lessons really have come in handy.

1.30 am

Worms is on the loose again. He and Kitty the kid are nibbling on the May issue of
Girl Alive
.

Wes set him free. He was worried that if the exploding knot actually exploded it would blow Worms's hands off.

1.45 am

There are
definitely
growling, grunting noises coming from the bush. Worms's tummy is growling heaps but there are noises coming from the other side of the fire too.

Yowies aren't real … are they????

3 am

Emptied our pockets just to make sure no-one had any food that they had forgotten about. Fez had a Lego car, a mouse tail, seven marbles and a little tin full of rabbit poo. Wes had a pair of clean undies in each of his pockets. Worms's pockets were stuffed full of empty chip packets and muesli bar wrappers.

I had three spare pens for writing in my diary and a dirty hanky. What would the Colonel have to say about the dirty hanky?

Mat had a mirror and Pearly Pink waterproof lipstick. It's great to know that if we get chased by a rhinoceros and end up on the edge of a crocodile-infested river, Mat will have everything we need to survive …

I wanted to check Fez's backpack but he won't take it off and refuses to let anyone near it. He said it is private and nobody's business.

3.40 am

Growling noises coming from all around. Worms's tummy or the yowies?

I'm frozen. I can hardly move my fingers to write this, but if we die I want people to know what our final hours were like. If Burke and Wills could leave a diary behind, so can I …

4.05 am

Gabby has bandaged everyone's arms and legs for warmth.

Wes and Fez are discussing how to use Kitty the kid as a hat.

Kitty is eating Worms's muesli bar wrappers.

We have been singing camp-fire songs to keep our minds off how cold and hungry we are:

It hasn't worked.

I'm scared.

What if we don't survive?

Wednesday, 1 August
10.30 am — Hillrose Poo, in bed, rescued and alive!

And it's all thanks to Wes and Fez!

Early this morning, after Wes and Fez decided that Kitty was too small and too injured to use as a hat, Fez said they should cuddle up to use each other's body warmth. Wes pushed him away and told him not to be a sissy pink-pants.

Fez said they would die of hypothermia if they didn't snuggle together, and hugged Wes with all his might. He threw in a kiss for good luck. Wes shoved and struggled but Fez clung on. They rolled around on the ground, punching and pushing, until Wes tore Fez's tea cosy and backpack off and threw them into the fire.

The backpack sizzled and quickly caught alight. A big hole burnt out of the side and, suddenly, our camp fire burst into action!

Pink, orange, green and yellow fireworks began to spray out like a supersonic fountain. Shooting balls flew up in the air and exploded into showers of stars. Other balls shot into the sky, screaming and howling until they exploded with a bang and scattered sparks all over the bush. Fez screamed with fury and disappointment as his secret end-of-camp fireworks display went off in one enormous exhibition.

A wild pig and her piglet, terrified by the noise and flashes of light, ran through the bush squealing, and fell straight down the yowie trap. The mother pig scrambled out and charged after us.

We were still running around in our tea cosies and bandages, trying to escape the angry pig, when Dad, the Colonel, Mr Cluff and three police rescue workers stepped into the light of our fire. The fireworks had given the best SOS signal ever and led them straight to our camp.

Gabby fainted with relief.

Worms said, ‘Has anyone got any food?'

Mat stepped towards the angry pig, shoved her lipstick up its snout, leapfrogged over its back and ran until she fell face first down the yowie trap on top of the piglet.

Wes, Fez and I threw ourselves into Dad's arms.

Saved at last!

7.15 pm

Matilda Jane the Mature has just rung in tears. Our rescue was on the national news and Mat was filmed walking out of the bush with a purple, goggle-eyed owl tea cosy on her head, pig snot on her face and bandages all over her arms and legs. Her fly was undone.

‘I'm going to die!' she cried.

‘The whole country has seen me with my fly down and a tea cosy on my head,' she moaned.

‘And pig snot on your face,' I reminded her.

She hung up!

Friday, 3 August

Such a busy time getting today's edition of
The Bake Tribulation
ready. There has been so much to organise. Contributions poured in and I think we may have our best paper ever.

In addition to my own special camp rundown, we have three more exciting reports. ‘Magnetite at Gumbledong' explains the discovery by the search and rescue teams that compasses
just don't work
along the ridge. Great information but given THREE DAYS TOO LATE!

‘Feathered friend' tells of how Feathers arrived home
today
at lunch time. He looked like he'd flown through a hailstorm, dog-paddled through mud and been run over by a lawn mower. He delivered Mat's note that said, ‘Help. We are five children and one attractive young lady lost in the bush near Gumbledong Ridge.' Gabby was quite upset that
another
group was in the same horrible situation as we'd been in. She grabbed her first aid kit, three blankets and a thermometer, and was setting off to help before Mr Cluff managed to explain the situation.

‘Hardbake Plains' very own superstar' tells about Mat's unusual rescue photo being on
twenty-seven
different internet news sites. People all over Australia are asking where they can purchase one of those hilarious tea cosies in the shape of an owl. You'd think Mat would be pleased with the fame, but she keeps bursting into tears and saying, ‘I wish I'd never been rescued.' Now
there's
a thought …

We have several articles giving helpful advice, including ‘What fish is that?' by Harry, ‘Travelling with frogs' by Tom, ‘Bush toilets — the ugly truth' by Sarah, and ‘Pitching tents — the essentials' by Gary. It's great to see that we can all learn from our mistakes.

Banjo has contributed
three
fabulous poems.

Grace has written a story about three ponies, a kitten and a wombat, and Tom's latest survey is sure to be popular:

Which animal would you least like to pop up in your toilet?