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“Hey.” I smile and open my trunk. “Patrolling?”

“Had to check on a disturbance, but it was nothing.” He smiles back and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me in for a quick kiss on my lips and the tip of my nose. “Went shopping?”

“Target is the devil! I need to file a complaint, officer.”

“Well, Miss, from what I can see Target won and it looks like there’s no evidence of a struggle.”

I sigh. “Target
always
wins. Help me?”

“Of course,” he laughs.

We get everything into the house and I know he has to head back out to patrol. Going to the fridge I whip up some turkey sandwiches, grab two apples, two bananas, and granola bars. Placing the food in a brown baggie I hand it to Mason.

“Wow my own lunch bag!” He jokes and takes it from me. “These better be chocolate chip granola bars.”

“Yep!”

“Woman you’re the best.” He leans over and kisses me before walking out the door.

“Stay safe,” I whisper and then proceed to keep myself busy by redecorating my house.

Before heading home, Scott and I meet at his house and go over some things he found. To say I’m pissed and agitated is sugar coating how I feel. Looking through some documents and listening to what he’s recorded I slump on the chair and toss the CD on his desk.

“This doesn’t show anything, man. There’s nothing here.”

“Think about it,” he tells me and paces the room. “Something’s going on. We can
never
get Javier and Devin’s acting weird. He’s a good cop and never makes mistakes, but you got to admit something’s wrong with him. That shooting and him killing Rico isn’t sitting right with me.”

“Devin? Man I don’t know. I’ve known him for a while and he’s a straight shooter. Completely devastated over Evan’s death and hoping Caroline would forgive him. I think maybe we’re looking at something that isn’t there.”

“You really think that? In your heart you think we’re wrong?” I nod and Scott sighs. “Something isn’t right.”

“I think we need to lay low. These are our partners and our department. Nothing’s going on, Scott. I think maybe we want something to happen and that’s why we’re going a little crazy.”

“Whatever you say, man.”

Walking out of Scott’s house I see Devin pulling in and wait for him to get out. We’ve all been working crazy hours. I’m surprised to see him here.

“Hey, man,” I say and take a seat on the porch chair. I hear Scott come out and he sits down too. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Devin walks to us and leans on the railing. “Just couldn’t sleep and I figured someone would be up,” he laughs and turns to me. “Man, I’m sorry about giving you shit about Caroline. Really I am. I know you’re a good man and will treat her right.”

“Thank you, brother. I appreciate that.”

“So now that we got that girly shit out of the way I think it’s about time I let you guys in on what I’ve been working on.”

This piques my interest and I’m ready to hear whatever he has to say. I know Devin and I know he’s a hard working officer.

“Someone who was in the witness protection program is back. Now I’ve had a few sources tell me this, but I’m lost, guys. Clarke’s in over his head with this Javier shit and my informant knows nothing. He’s asking around too, but it’s like this person is a ghost. I have to find her.”

“Her?” Scott states. “Her who?”

“Take one guess.”

“So,” Tonya starts when we get into her car to head to the gym.

“Yes?”

“Any new developments?” she annoyingly asks.

“Nothing.”

“How? What? Why?”

“We’re comfortable. Things are comfortable and I don’t want to push it. Plus,” I pause and close my eyes, “his one year is coming up,” I quietly say.

“I know,” Tonya responds while patting my hand. “It’ll be okay. Everything will be okay. We’re going to go to the school, meet with Walker, get you all situated and then we’ll head to the gym and work out.”

“Why do you think everything sounds so easy, Tonya?” I explode and turn to scream some more. “You think I can just make things happen with Mason and then I can just get back into teaching? I’ve missed so much. I’ve put my life on pause and I want to slowly get back into things, but you keep pushing and pushing. I get what you’re doing and I appreciate it. I just need you to stop pushing. In a few weeks I’m going to have to relive the worst day of my life, so no, of course there are no new developments between Mason and me! God!” I slam back into the seat and let out a whimper. “Let me take this slow okay?

“Caroline,” her voice softens and she looks at me. “I know, sweetie, and I get it. I want you to be happy and I want you to never be in that slump again. You’re doing so well and we both know it’s because of Mason. He’s your rock and that’s wonderful. It’s okay to take things slow, but I want you to know how proud I am of you. You’re taking control of your life again and as your best friend that means the world to me. You’re getting stronger, babe.”

“I am becoming stronger and yes there are still times of guilt, but I know I’m doing the right thing. Evan wants me to be happy again so I am.”

“Good, babe.”

“Yeah.” And it’s all out there. I’m happy again and I’m strong enough to see my own strength. I’m going to do this. I’m living and no more looking back.

“Listen to your heart, Caroline. Do what
you
feel is right.”

“I know,” I whisper and deep down I know what I want.

“Then if you know, do it, babe. You’re going to start taking control of
your
life and I’m going to cheer you on. We all love you and want the best for you. Whatever you decide, whenever you decide to do it, make sure it’s on
your
time. I’m here to guide you and show you that you’re so strong and can get over almost anything. You’re better than this grumpy pants attitude. You are Caroline Spencer and you kick ass.”

I listen to each word from Tonya and believe in what she’s telling me. It’s not like I want to be miserable or scared my whole life. When you lose someone you love you’re careful about how you go about your life. Your decisions are carefully thought out and you don’t just go on a whim. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the dark so the demons don’t come out and grab you again. But, what kind of life is that? What kind of life is playing
house
with Mason when I can truly be with him heart, body and soul? He’ll tire of this and move on.

“Let me add,” she says with a smirk, “sex and Mason are like desserts.”

“What?” I burst out laughing.

“Now listen to me. Sex and Mason are like desserts. There are many sides of Mason and sex consists of different positions all of this like dessert. You see a dessert case and there’s everything from fruit tarts to red velvet cake to brownies.”

“I’m getting hungry now, thanks.”

“Oh shut up,” Tonya laughs and continues with her ridiculous explanation. “These two things go hand in hand. So you can take your time and look at these yummy desserts the way you look at Mason and sex and then when you’re ready you’ll pick the
best
most
delicious
dessert and boom, you and Mason will be having boom boom time.”

“I can’t even with you.” I laugh and wipe my tears from laughing so hard. “You’re too much.”

“Dessert equals Mason and sex. Remember, variety and different tastes!”

“Okay enough of this let’s go kill it at the gym!”

The next day I try my best to not think about how sore I am and whispering for Tonya’s death. Bending over to pick up a rag I almost start crying because my legs are sore from the damn squats we did. I hear her stupid little voice in my head and I want to slowly walk over to her house and punch her in the face.

“Come on, Caroline, get lower! Squats equal strength and a bigger booty, so get down!”

“No! You aren’t doing it right! Here, watch me.”

Ugh. I don’t understand the point of working out when you’re already fine with how you look. According to Tonya it’s not just being healthy physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To me, working out means dying and not being able to feel your body for a few days.

My phone vibrates on the counter and when I look at the name my heart stops. Guilt washes over me and I curse myself for ignoring the family I’ve known for so long. They didn’t do anything wrong and tried their best to be there for me. Like the asshole I am I pushed them away and refused to see either of them.

Christian: Hey. I know it’s been a while and I know you probably don’t want to talk or anything. Mom’s wondering if you want to join us for dinner tonight. It’s Dad’s birthday and we’d love to see you, Caroline.

I read the text message over and over again. Every year for Rick’s birthday, Evan, Christian and I take the family to
Hedges
for dinner. It’s been a tradition since Evan and I started dating and the Reeds took me in as their own.

Needing my mother’s help, I call her and pour myself a glass of wine. Luckily she doesn’t live too far and I can see them whenever, but I’ve been an asshole and neglecting the people who love me.

“Hi, honey,” my mom’s gentle voice comes on the line.

“Hi, Mom. Can you come over?”

“Caroline, are you okay?”

“Yes,” I answer her. “I’m okay, I think. Just need your advice.”

“Okay, honey, I’m on my way over.”

Disconnecting the call I head upstairs to take a quick shower and change into shorts and a loose shirt. Putting on some light makeup I fluff my hair and pinch my cheeks so I don’t look so pale. I know my mom’s going to comment on how I look and ask if I’m eating well. She’s a mom. She’s
my
mom and she cares about me.

Hearing the door open I finish pouring her a glass of red wine and smile when my mom walks into the kitchen. She sets down her purse, sits on the barstool and takes her glass. After taking a slow sip she just looks at me and I start drinking my wine and playing with my glass as something to occupy myself with. I hate when she’s quiet and just looks at me. It’s creepy.

“Something’s bothering you,” she says. “Something happened and you’re confused.”