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“You’re home early.”

“Not feeling too good,” I tell her and get to her bedroom. Putting her on the bed I strip out of my uniform and crash head first on the bed. Sleep. I fucking need sleep. Turning my head to look at her she’s sliding out of her dress and my hard on comes back. “You’re sleeping in your panties tonight?”

“Duh,” she giggles.

When she’s under the covers, we’re facing each other and neither of us says anything. I like looking at her. There’s something about her eyes that calms me. Her dark brown eyes with a hint of honey gives me what I need to know how she’s feeling. No matter what she says or does when I look into her eyes I can tell if she’s lying or telling me the truth. The eyes are the window to a person’s soul and hers speaks perfectly clear to me. When her small hand rests on my chin I have to close my eyes and steady my breathing. Allowing the touch to soothe me I open my eyes and see her smile. This is another big step in the direction of whatever we’re doing.

“Go to sleep,” I tell her and watch as her eyes flutter closed. “Sweet dreams,” I whisper before finding sleep.

The next few days I’m bed ridden with a fever of one hundred and two. Caroline takes care of me, bringing me chicken noodle soup and juice. I hate being sick and I hate being taken care of, but with Caroline I don’t mind.

She spends her time in bed with me and reads to me or we watch whatever’s on TV. It’s nice. There’s nothing sexual or kinky about how we’re spending time together. It’s us, and I like it.

I like it too much.

She’s comfortable with me and hasn’t had a breakdown in a while. I’m glad she’s healing and I’m glad she’s here. When she looks at me the way she does, I savor it. She acts like I’m saving her, but in reality, she’s the one saving me. Every time I go to work I think about her and make sure I stay safe so I can come back to her. Every time I walk through the door to her house I want to scoop her in my arms and tell her we’ll buy another house and make it our own. She has me wrapped around her finger and I’d do anything to keep the smile on her beautiful face. I know she cares for me the way I care for her. I know she wants me the way I want her. But, I don’t know if her heart is ready the way my heart beats for her.

By day four I’m ready to get back to work. My fever’s gone and I feel better. Clarke said to take another day off, so while Caroline’s shopping with Tonya I decide to get take-out for dinner tonight. Ordering her favorites, shrimp lo mein and General Tso’s chicken with fried rice, I order a few appetizers and shrimp with vegetables and some extra fried rice.

I get home before Caroline and set up the dinner table. We usually eat at the island and it’s comfortable. My phone beeps and it’s Caroline.

Caroline: Did you pick up dinner?

Me: Yep.

Caroline: Good. I’m starving! Be home in 2 min.

Me: Sounds good. Did you have fun?

Caroline: I did. =)

I don’t respond and wait for her to walk through the door.

“Let’s watch
The Conjuring
tonight. I feel like a scary movie,” Caroline says as she looks at the food on the kitchen table, drooling over everything I got. Her hair is loose down past her shoulders and she’s changed into a baggy shirt with tight black yoga pants. She has no idea how sexy she is and I hold back from touching her.

“Sounds good. We can do that.” I get a smile from my response and we sit down to eat.

“What kind of wine do you want?”

“Any is fine,” I tell her and watch as she gets up to grab a bottle.

Popping the cork she pours us both a glass and sets the bottle on the table. She tells me about her day with Tonya and I listen as she goes on about their shopping and eating lunch at a new restaurant in College Town.

“Ew what the hell are you eating?”

“What?” I eye the squid tentacles on my plate and realize what she’s saying. “It’s good. Have you ever tried it?”

“No.” She scowls. “It’s so gross. Ew.”

“How do you know?”

“Um, I do. Tentacles. Squid. Ew. So gross. I can’t believe you’re eating that.”

“Believe it, baby.” I smile and eat some more just to gross her out. “You’ll try some soon. Don’t worry.”

“If you put that near me I swear I will kick you so hard you’ll feel it for days,” she tells me with a cheeky smile.

“You’ll try it soon.”

“If you want to retain feeling in your balls you’ll drop this.”

“Ouch, baby. Just admit you want to touch it. You don’t need an excuse.”

We finish dinner and head over to the couch and watch the movie. When I put the DVD in she grabs a blanket and gets comfortable while I put away the dishes and refill our wine glasses. Sitting down with her she curls up next to me and places her head on my shoulder.

Before the movie starts I can feel her tension. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Liar.” I move so that we’re facing each other and I can get a better sense with how she’s feeling. “Tell me.”

“I’m fine.”

“No bullshitting, Caroline.”

She sighs and bites her lower lip. “Is it bad that you make me really horny?”

“Not at all, baby.” I kiss the top of her head and hold her close to my body. “Let me take you out on a date. Just you and me.”

“Okay.”

“Now stop thinking and let’s enjoy the movie.” I pull Caroline close to me and kiss her again.

The day of our date I’m with Devin and Clarke talking about the case and drinking a beer at Clarke’s house. The guys are giving me a look and I’m ready to punch both of them out.

“You’ve lost your fucking mind, you know that right?” Devin stands in front of me with his eyes glaring at me. Since we got here he’s been giving me shit left and right. If he wasn’t my friend I’d let him know he’s a little bitch.

“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.” I glance at Clarke and he clears his throat. “What, you got something to say too?”

“That’s Evan’s wife, Ryan,” Clarke says. “Dead or not, come on, you have to know that’s wrong.”

“The both of you have no idea what you’re saying. We’ve been friends since high school and that’s all I’ve seen her as until now. I get it he’s our best friend and married her, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I’m falling for her.”

Devin grunts and turns away. “Or are you falling for easy pussy?”

“Watch it,” I growl and turn Devin so he’s facing me. “Don’t talk shit if you don’t know what’s going on. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you try to kiss Tonya the
day
of her wedding?”

The room grows silent and both guys are looking down. It’s crystal clear where they stand on this topic. Honestly it’s something I’m still battling and I keep reminding myself that we aren’t doing anything wrong.

“That’s different.”

“How so, asshole?”

“I wasn’t thinking and drank too much.”

“Whatever,” I mutter and finish my beer. “Don’t sit there giving me shit and judging me or her. We’re adults and doing nothing wrong. Still got a problem with that?”

“Actually I do,” Devin says. “It’s not right. Evan was our best friend and here you are going behind his back? What do you have to offer her?”

Sitting here taking shit from my supposed best friends is pissing me off. I’m struggling with this issue and beating myself up enough about it. I don’t want to be seen as the guy who swoops in and takes advantage of a vulnerable woman, or have Caroline be seen as a whore. That’s not the situation. Everything is going on so fast. I never thought about her in that way. I never lusted for her, dreamt about her, and certainly never thought about kissing her. Things happen and it’s part of life. I’m not going to continue to beat myself up or make Caroline feel bad. If something’s going to happen then we’ll talk about it and go from there.

We’re not doing anything wrong
I repeat to myself.

“I don’t have to answer you, Devin. You don’t know shit. Keep assuming and talking shit, but if you
ever
make Caroline feel anything different you’ll answer to me.”

“Whatever, man.”

I finish with Clarke and grab my things to head out. Before going home I decide to hit up the gym and work out my frustrations.

After the gym I sit in my car and think about what they said earlier today. I’m not doing anything wrong. Caroline’s not doing anything wrong. We’re two adults trying to move on with our lives and somehow are finding ourselves gravitating towards one another.

Staring at my phone I text the one person I always turn to when life feels like shit. We decide to meet at
Panera
for lunch and I’ll admit that if Caroline or anyone sees me with her shit will go crazy.

Sitting down at a booth with my food I look out the window and let my mind wander. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is guilt, regret, or the feeling of fucking it all and doing what I want. This is why I don’t involve myself in relationships or allow my heart to do the thinking. I stand on my own two feet and think with my head. I’ve been in critical situations and can make fast decisions without a second thought. With Caroline everything is being questioned. I contradict myself on the daily when it comes to her. I need advice and I need it now.

“Hey, stranger.” I look up at the familiar voice and see that smile that used to make my bad days go away.

Danielle Martin was an on again off again girlfriend without the label. We had a good time together and it was nice to have someone, but we knew we weren’t in love and soon whatever our relationship was turned into friendship. She understood when I told her how I felt and luckily didn’t go crazy bitch on me like some women do. That’s the thing about Danielle: she’s down to earth and can take whatever comes to her.

I depend on her the way she depends on me. The sexual feelings aren’t there anymore and on days where I need an unbiased opinion, she’s the one I turn to.

“Hey.” I smile and watch her sit down. I hand her food over and we sit in a comfortable silence before she breaks it.

“What’s going on?”

I rub my face with my hands and look down. “I feel like a pussy, Dani.”

“Okay?”

“Remember when Evan died?” She nods her head. “Remember when I was undercover and couldn’t see Caroline?” She nods again. “I’m living with her now.”

“Oh.” Dani leans in close and places her hands on mine. “You love her.” I quickly look up and shake my head. “Yes you do. You and Caroline have a special bond. I saw it and I’m pretty sure the both of you did too.”

“She’s my good friend. She’s Evan’s wife.”

“And? Evan passed away and now Caroline’s trying to live her life and if I know you like I know I do then I know you’re helping her.”

“I am. Shit, it wasn’t supposed to happen. We kissed a few times and fuck, Dani, she’s all I think about. I feel like an asshole for what I’m doing. Evan’s my best friend.”

“It’s not like you were lusting for her before. This happens,” she continues. “It’s life, Mason. Sometimes when you least expect something good to happen it happens. You can’t fight it. I get that you feel bad and guilty. You internalize everything and forget that you have people who want to be here for you.” I nod and listen. “You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone.”

I tell her what happened at the station and she eats while I talk. It pisses me off both of my best friends think that low of me.

“They’re idiots. Seriously, Mason. Don’t overthink it and talk to her.”

“She’s so up and down. When I got there she was emotional and dead inside. She barely talked and kept everything locked up inside. I don’t think she allowed herself to feel anything, but for the past few weeks things have been good. Just not sure for how long.”

“I’ve never seen you like this, Mason. I don’t know what to say. I can tell you all of these wise quotes, and help you, but I’m not sure I’m the one who can be the guide you need.”