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It’s quiet and the house is clean. I look around and see what Mason’s done. Silently I thank him and feel a little better. There’s a note on the counter from Mason. I pick it up and read what he’s written.

“Jackass,” I laugh and head back to my bedroom and look around. When I walk to my closet to change into something other than a tank and shorts I look at the clothes and thumb through Evan’s. I’m stuck in my own world. I can’t put away his clothes and change anything in our house. If I put away his clothes and put away our memories then he’s really gone and that’s not something I want to believe. Deep down I know he’s gone. I saw his body in the coffin, I used to visit his grave every week, and I don’t feel him like I used to. Even though I know all of this I still can’t admit he’s gone.

I won’t.

It’s been a few months since I’ve visited his grave. Thinking about sitting in front of his tombstone brings the ache back and it’s something I can’t bring myself to do. Seeing his grave makes it all real even though I know he’s dead and never coming home. I want him to come back so badly. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel his kiss and have him make my body come alive again. Touching my lips I close my eyes and remember the times we made love, and how he felt inside of me.

My eyes open and I look away from my closet. Stepping out I shut my closet door and change into a sun dress and go to the bathroom to fix my hair. My phone rings and I pick it up to see a text from Tonya.

Tonya: I’m back, did you miss me?

Me: So much. =(

Tonya: What’s wrong?

Me: Another break down, but I’m okay. Seriously I’m okay.

Tonya: I can come over if you want!

Me: No, I’m good. What’s up?

Tonya: So Walker told me he talked to you. Still planning on not coming back? You can’t do this to yourself. You know the district will hold your position. No one will fill it.

Me: No. It’s too much. I know and please don’t yell at me. He knows how I am and the papers were already submitted.

Tonya: Babe, I won’t yell. I know this is hard, but I wish you could do something more. I know you turned in the papers. Walker could work his magic and get you back. Only if you’re ready.

Me: I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.

Tonya: I get it. I’m coming over tomorrow and we’re doing dinner.

Me: Sure. Sounds good. Mason’s coming over after he gets out of work to talk to me. He cleaned my house. Kinda weird.

Tonya: Well, he’s a friend. He was Evan’s best friend. I’m sure he’s watching out for you and making sure you’re alive. I’m glad he’s around.

Me: Yeah me too.

Tonya: Okay, babe, gotta get some stuff done. I’ll see you later.

Me: Okay, have a good day. <3

Tonya: <3

The rest of the day and night goes by without too much going on. I find myself looking up projects I can do around the house and continue to keep myself busy. Looking through more pictures I grab my scrapbook box and get to work. It’s mindless what I’m doing, but keeps me calm.

After a few hours of being creative I get up and walk outside to get fresh air. I check out my garden and frown at how small and dead it is so I make a mental note to swing by the flower shop tomorrow or over the weekend.

When it’s time for bed I climb in and feeling a little bit better. Not able to fall asleep I grab my Kindle and start a new book. Reading takes me away to a new place. When I’m reading I don’t think about real life or what’s going on with me. I think about the characters and how powerful words can be. Before long I’m finishing this book and look over at the time.

“Holy shit,” I rub my eyes and can’t believe it’s almost three in the morning.

Setting down my Kindle I curl up on my side and slowly close my eyes. I definitely need sleep if I’m going to be able to withstand Mason’s talk.

Morning comes too soon and getting out of bed is a task of its own. Finishing getting ready and about to walk down to the living room to wait for Mason I hear my phone ring again. Picking up my phone I see that it’s my mom. With a smile I answer and gently say hello.

“Hi, honey, how are you?”

“Hi, Mom. I’m the same,” I honestly tell her.

For seven years it’s been just the two of us. My dad passed away in the line of fire and I was her rock for so long until she found the strength to live again and I believed with my whole heart I could do the same.

“I know, honey. But, remember, take it day by day. Are you going back to work?”

“No.”

“Oh, Caroline. You love teaching. I hate to see you give up your dreams. Are you sure about this?”

“I am,” I sigh and sit on the edge of my bed. “Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching and love my students. But the thought of standing in the middle of class with thirty students staring at me and wanting me to teach them something, I can’t handle it,” I sigh again. “I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to leave the house,” tears flow from my eyes and I try to hide the fact that I’m crying. I don’t want to worry my mom.

“One day you’re going to find the strength the way I did and when you do I’ll be here for you. Take all the time you need, Caroline, but don’t let your life go by because you’re missing out on so much.”

“I know. Tonya is trying and Mason is coming around too. He cleaned the house. Is that weird?” I ask. I can’t help but feel like I need a second opinion. My mother’s opinion means more to me than anything and I know she’ll give me some wise perspective I never thought of.

“Did he now?” Mom loves Mason and knows how strong our friendship is. “That’s very sweet of him.”

“Yeah I think so too. Is it weird, though?”

“I don’t think so,” she answers. “I think you need him again in your life. Sometimes people leave, Caroline, so they can be stronger. When they come back, they’re coming back for a reason and that reason will present itself when it’s time.”

And there’s the wise perspective.
“He’s coming over to talk so I gotta get going, but I’ll call you later. I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, honey. Stay strong and remember to breathe.”

“I will.”

After disconnecting from the call I place my phone on my nightstand to let the phone charge and head downstairs. When I reach the bottom of the stairs I see the door open and Mason walking in.

“Care, lock the fucking door,” he gruffs. I roll my eyes and he follows me in the living room. We sit next to each other and I see frustration and sadness in his eyes. “So you’re not going back to work, huh?”

“How do you know?”

“Walker told me. He’s worried. Tonya’s worried. I’m worried so you know what?”

“What?”

“I’m moving in.”

“You’re what?” I shout. “Oh no you are not moving in, Mason. I am fine. I told you I don’t need you. If you want to be my friend again then that’s fine. I will not allow you to come here and take care of me. This is my life and I don’t need you to be my babysitter.”

“Not your decision.”

“What?” I screech and clench my fists. “Who the hell do you think you are? You have
no
right to come at me like this. I’m fine. I am fine.”

“You’re fine?” he says. “You are fine?”

“Yes.”

“Care, look at yourself. Look at your house. This is not fine. You’re not going back to work, and may I remind you how much you love teaching. You hardly leave and trust me, I know.”

“How?”

“I’ve been keeping tabs on you.” I groan at his response. “Evan wouldn’t want this.”

Hearing him say his name and what Evan would want tears through me. I unleash my pent up anger and quickly stand to tower over him.

“And how the fuck would you know?” I shout and cross my arms over my chest. “I am grieving over the loss of my husband, the man I was supposed to spend forever with. He died, Mason. In case you forgot.”

“I did not forget,” he rises from the couch. “In case
you
forgot I was the one who turned off the ventilator because
you
didn’t have the strength. Do not sit here and pretend you’re the only one grieving, Caroline!”

His dark eyes stare into mine as I see the tick in his jaw. Pulling my long blonde hair to the side I let down my defenses and sit back down. Mason follows suit and stares at me.

“Stop looking at me.”

“Stop being selfish.”

“I’m not.”

He sighs. “You are, Care. You have people here who love you and want to be here for you, but you push everyone away because you’re hurting. You aren’t the only one who lost someone. We all did.”

“I know,” I whisper. “I know.”

Lifting my head I take a moment to really look at him. He keeps his dark brown hair short and his broad shoulders are monstrous, showing his dedication to working out and staying fit. The one thing I love about Mason are his eyes. At first glance his eyes are a deep green, but looking closer there’s a hint of silver. As tough as he is, the other side of him is soft and gentle. That’s the Mason I know and love. Everything about Mason is different, but he’s still the same man I’ve known since high school. He’s always been very good looking and now, as an adult, he’s hot and he knows it.

“So, Caroline, is it okay that I move in?” he sweetly asks.

“Fine,” I agree. I look at him again and instantly see Evan. Those two were best friends and did everything together. They went to the academy together, graduated and were hired by the same police department. Unlike Evan, Mason likes his single life and plans on being a bachelor forever.

Mason takes my hand and rubs circles, calming me down and allowing me to breathe. “It’ll be okay, Care. I promise.”

“Okay,” is all I can say.