Remember to Forget, Revised and Expanded (29 page)
Delilah laughs and spins in a little circle to face me. “I'll say yes to the dress,
you goof.”
“Aiden, are you sure my hair looks okay?” I ask for the hundredth time.
Aiden rolls his eyes. “Yes, Levi. I'm sure. It looks fine.”
“I'm nervous,” I whisper.
“You'll be fine. I'll be there, Delilah will be there, Mitchell will be there.”
Mitchell smiles from where he's standing in my room. I somehow convinced him last
night that he should come. It took a very long time for him to say yes, but he finally
did. One of Delilah's friends even said they would go with him.
I take a deep breath. “Okay. I'm ready.” I pull at the ends of my hair one last time,
finally looking away from the small mirror in my room.
“Relax. It'll be fine,” Aiden reassures me.
“Y-Yeah, we'll be o-okay,” Mitchell says. I can tell Mitchell is nervous, but he's
also very excited. He can't stop smiling. He's wearing a somewhat-fancy red flannel
with his usual black jeans.
I nervously sit on the couch while I wait for Delilah, holding the corsage I bought
her. A few minutes later, I hear the door open. Delilah and her friends are here,
ready to go.
Delilah has her hair curled, and I honestly feel like I forget to breathe for a second.
“You look nice,” she tells me, straightening my tie.
“You look better,” I tell her quietly, smiling down at her. “Want me to put the corsage
on your wrist? Is that what I'm supposed to do?”
Delilah laughs and nods her head. I nervously slip on the corsage. I can see Aiden
taking some pictures of us on his phone. Mitchell quietly talks to his date for the
night. He said her name was Ally, and they were in two of the same classes. According
to Mitchell, she wears a Green Day shirt a lot, so she must be cool.
Aiden's date, whose name I don't know, seems slightly annoyed with everyone. Delilah
said she's somewhat snobby, but Aiden really likes her, which I can't seem to understand.
She didn't even say hello to any of us. Aiden is so nice, and she's so . . . not.
My dad takes some pictures, which just ends up with me almost falling over because
Aiden can't stand still for a group photo.
After a few minutes, the limo Aiden rented comes to pick us all up. My school never
had a Snow Ball, so I don't really know what to expect.
I have to admit that I'm nervous. This will be the first major thing I've gone to
in a while. The last time Delilah brought me to something like this, when we first
met, I had a panic attack. I'm going to try my best not to get nervous this time,
though. I want to make this night memorable in a good way for Delilah, and me too.
But sometimes I can't keep the anxiety away. I'm hoping nothing terrible happens
tonight.
We pull up to the hall where the event is being held, which is much bigger than I
expected. Delilah holds on to my hand as we walk in. I can hear the loud music from
outside, which already makes my heart start to pound. I can't help but think of what
happened at the party.
“Relax. It'll be fine. If you wanna leave, just let me know,” Delilah whispers. She
squeezes my hand as we walk into the room.
There's a DJ in the corner and bright, colorful lights illuminating the dark room.
There are tables set up around a dance floor, where the majority of people are standing.
“Are you hungry?” Delilah asks.
I nod, and we all head over to an empty table. We talk and eat for a while, mostly
trying to count how many people have fallen on the dance floor or tripped in their
heels. Delilah introduces me to some of her friends, who seem very nice.
At some point, Aiden tries to see how many grapes he can shove into his mouth, which
ends up being twenty-two. I'm surprised he didn't choke. His date does not seem
amused with him. I, on the other hand, cannot stop laughing because one of the grapes
shot out of his mouth and hit some guy in the forehead. He didn't seem amused either.
Even Mitchell is laughing uncontrollably.
Delilah keeps pointing out people she knows, telling me what seems like their deepest
secrets. I'm not sure if it's just a girl thing to know everything, or if she just
knows everyone. I like listening to her stories, though. I could listen to her talk
about anything.
A slow song comes on, and Delilah gently taps my hand.
“Wanna go dance?” she asks quietly.
My heart starts racing, and I can't seem to form words. I know this song, I know
it really well. The air is suddenly becoming harder to breathe in.
“I'm not good at dancing,” I choke out.
“I'm not either,” she says, smiling.
I quickly stand up from my chair, heading to the doors. “I'll be back in a few minutes,”
I mumble, heading outside. But I'm not sure if I will.
L
evi, wait,” Delilah says, standing up from her chair and following me.
I shake my head over and over, ignoring her. I focus on the doors and try to get
out as fast as possible.
The music continues to play, no matter how much I wish for it to stop.
I put my hands over my ears and walk faster toward the exit. I quickly get outside
and get as far away as I can until I can no longer hear the music. I sit down on
the ground and hug my knees tightly to my chest. I rock back and forth, focusing
on my breathing. My lungs feel tight, and I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. I
also can't stop crying.
Breathe, Levi.
I loosen my tie and take off my jacket, because I'm overcome with heat. I rest my
head in my hands, trying everything possible to get my breathing back to normal.
My ears start ringing, and for a second, I think I might pass out. Everything is
getting blurry and fading in and out. My vision is like a fuzzy television screen.
I squeeze my eyes shut to try to make the feeling go away.
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Tonight was supposed to be a great night. I wasn't supposed to get a panic attack
like this. For once in my life, I want to be able to do normal teenage things without
something going wrong. Why can't I be normal, just for one night? This was supposed
to go smoothly. I was supposed to be getting better. I should've known that this
would happen. I shouldn't have come.
“He's over here,” I hear Aiden yell. I look up to see him, Delilah, and Mitchell
walking toward me.
“G-Guys, don't c-crowd around him,” I hear Mitchell say as they approach me. “It
w-won't help him.”
Mitchell quickly sits beside me, looking up at Aiden and Delilah as if to ask for
some time alone. They understand and look at me for approval. I shake my head slightly,
and they walk a few feet away from us.
“H-Here. I brought you some w-water,” Mitchell tells me. He hands me a small water
bottle, and I drink it slowly. I take deep breaths between each sip, and my breathing
finally starts to get better.
Mitchell runs his hands through his hair and kicks the tip of his foot in the dirt.
“I-I'm not v-very good at the whole t-talking and giving a-advice thing. But I know
w-what you're going through.” He takes a deep breath and picks at one of the buttons
on his flannel. “J-Just try to picture s-something that makes you happy. T-Try to
remember every s-single detail. It'll keep your m-mind off th-things.”
I nod and rub under my eyes to wipe away the tears.
I try to think of a happy place. I think of multiple things, actually. Most of the
memories that automatically come to mind are recent ones, like when Delilah and I
decorated the tree. It's easier to think of happy moments now.
I look over to Delilah, who is nervously watching me. She smiles a little and waves
shyly. I motion for her to come over to me. Mitchell leaves, and Delilah and I walk
over to an empty bench.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Delilah asks quietly.
I shake my head no.
“It was Delia's song,” I finally whisper after a few seconds of silence. “It was
her favorite song.”
A tear slips out of my eye, and I quickly wipe it away. I bounce my leg nervously.
“There are so many memories attached to it. I hate when this happens,” I mumble.
Delilah reaches over and gently puts her hand on top of mine. She rubs little circles
on top of my hand with her thumb. “Levi, I want you to close your eyes really tightly.”
I look at her and scrunch my eyebrows in confusion.
“Just close your eyes,” she says, laughing lightly.
I shut my eyes tightly and wait for her to start talking again.
“What do you see?” she says.
“Black?” I whisper. Isn't it kind of obvious that when you shut your eyes you see
blackness?
“Okay. Tell me when it changes.”
“When what changes?”
“The color you see.”
After a few seconds, I realize what she's talking about. “I see some green now.”
“All right. Keep your eyes shut.”
I wait a few seconds again. “Now it's yellow.” After a few seconds, it changes again.
“It's orange now.”
“You can open your eyes,” she says, giving my hand a squeeze.
“What was the point of that?” I ask her.
“Even though you had your eyes shut, the colors still changed. You can try to block
out things in your life, but it's kind of impossible. Nothing is going to last forever,
and nothing is always going to stay the same, no matter how much you try. In life,
you'll get multiple different colors thrown your way, whether or not you want them.
When you shut your eyes, the colors faded after a few seconds, and you didn't know
what color would show up next, right?”
I nod.
“It's kinda like life, I guess. It's constantly changing, and you don't know what
will happen next. You just have to be prepared for whatever life throws your way.
But notice that the blackness always stayed there when you shut your eyesâit was
the one thing that was constant. You will always have someone who will be with you
through everything. I'm here, Aiden's here, Mitchell's here, your dad is here, and
your mom is available by video chat. Caleb's back at home for you too. There are
so many people you can go to, Levi. Don't let the memories overcome all the good
things that are happening.”
I start crying all over again, but this time they are happy tears. I hug Delilah
tightly.
“I needed that so much,” I murmur. “Thank you.”
“I will always be here for you, Levi. I realize that you're still going through a
lot of stuff right now, and I totally understand. I just want what's best for you.”
“I think right now, you're what's best for me,” I whisper.
Delilah smiles and leans her head on my shoulder.
“The second that song started playing, every single memory came flooding back. I
couldn't help it. I thought I was going to pass out or something. I had been doing
so well too. Mitchell said to think of something that makes me happy, and I thought
of you. It used to be that everything you did made me think of Delia. But now everything
leads back to you. You're who I think about the most. All you have to do is smile,
and my heart starts fluttering. And sometimes, I'm not really sure how to handle
it. And then you say things that make me beyond happy, and I feel like you're way
too good for me, and all I do is get anxious or mad or annoying,” I tell her.
“Levi, don't you ever say that you're not good enough, because you are. You have
no idea how special you are.”
“I just don't get it. Why me? You didn't have to be nice to me. You didn't even have
to start talking to me. All I did was be rude to you.”
“We don't have to talk about that. It was before we even knew each other.”
I take a deep breath and lace my fingers with Delilah's. I can hear another slow
song playing.
“I wanna go dance with you,” I whisper, leaning my forehead against hers and smiling
a little. Our faces are barely an inch apart.
“Are you sure? We can leave ifâ”
"I'm sure,” I say, standing up and walking back inside, even though I'm still kind
of shaky. I want to make this a good night for Delilah. Aiden and Mitchell notice
us leave, so they come back inside too.
I walk over to the edge of the dance floor, trying to stay away from the other people
dancing. I put my hands on Delilah's waist and pull her closer to me. She lightly
leans her head against my chest.
“I thought you couldn't dance?” she asks quietly.
“I can't. But I will for you.”
“Are you okay now?”
I shrug. “Almost.”
She picks her head up from my chest. “We can leave.”
I gently pull her closer to me again and bring her head back to where it had rested.
“No, right here is fine for me.”
“I can feel your heart beating.”
“That's what hearts do. It's beating for you,” I whisper. I hum along to the song
quietly. I continue to hum along to the song until it's over.
“Can this be our song?” Delilah asks.
I nod and hug her closer to me. I rest my head on top of hers, and she giggles.
Tonight somehow went from extremely bad, to incredibly good. It's amazing how fast
things can change.
T
oday is Christmas Eve, even though it doesn't feel like it. It's weird not being
at home with my mum. In Australia, it's already Christmas Day. I've texted my mum
and Caleb at least ten times since I woke up, but neither of them have responded.
My mum promised she'd video chat tonight, but I don't think that will happen. It's
already getting late in Australia. I wonder what she's doing. I wanted to actually
talk
to her tonight; it was going to be her Christmas present. She still doesn't
know that I've started speaking.