Rite of Rejection (Acceptance Book 1) (23 page)

Pressed up against him, his lips greedy for mine, I try not to think about how few kisses we might have left. Instead I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on tight. His hands pull against the small of my back, drawing me in even closer.

This is what I need. A lifetime of these moments. Of standing in the dark in our fake kitchen and pretending like right outside our door is a normal world where people don’t get sent to the PIT for knowing the wrong things or questioning the actions of our leaders. Inside this world our time would be measured in decades, not hours, and tomorrow wouldn’t feel like the end of everything.

But we can’t live in that world, not yet, and maybe not ever. Daniel pulls away and I grudgingly let go. We stumble to opposite sides of the room and the squeak of bedsprings is the only sound.

I close my eyes, but sleep is out of the question. I can’t relax. I can hardly breathe. A weight like a boulder crushes my chest. This hurt is almost enough to wish I’d stuck to the original plan and tucked away the feelings I had for Daniel. Almost. Now that I’ve known that kind of love, I don’t know that I would give it up. Even if it meant never knowing this kind of pain.

I want to be strong for him, but that’s not who I am, no matter how Daniel sees me. The day I was Rejected, I thought that was the worst pain a person could feel. Then Quarantine numbed me from feeling anything and I thought that numbness and lack of feeling was the worst hurt imaginable. But I was wrong. It’s not the pain of experience, but the death of a chance for experience that hurts the most.

I bite back the tears for as long as I can, but the tightness builds until I can’t hold them in any longer. I suck in a huge breath and a single wet sob escapes in the exhale before I can pull it together. Daniel is on my side of the room in an instant.

Without a word, he crawls into the tiny bed next to me, his chest a warm security against my back. He wraps his arms around mine, our hands finding each other in the dark and tangling in a desperate mesh of fingers.

I could hold on to a small piece of hope that somehow this will all work out, but I’m afraid of what that might cost me. Deep down we both know that we’ll either end up dead or separated forever in Quarantine. I push those thoughts away. We still have this one night left to comfort each other before the real pain begins.

I could kick myself for all those months wasted, too unsure of myself to own my true feelings for Daniel. We could have had that time together to solidify these emotions destined to burn hot and quick. Does he even know how much I love him?

I picture Constance and Thomas lying in a deserted, crumbling bunk out near the edge. They’re lucky they’ve had so many years out here together. No matter what the Cardinal does tomorrow, he could never undo their years of marriage. What if the Cardinal couldn’t take that from me either?

“Daniel?”

“What, my love?” I can’t see him, but his voice is warm against my ear. The darkness makes the words easier to say.

“Will you marry me?”

The silence is a cacophony of noise in my ears. Long, slow minutes pass waiting for him to answer me.

“I, Daniel Whedon, take you, Rebecca Collins, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, till death do we part.”

My chest swells with his words. This moment is as far from a white dress and fancy wedding as you can get. Nothing at all like what I pictured in my head before my Rejection, when I still had the luxury of day dreams. It’s perfect. If we die tomorrow or by some stroke of luck live to be one hundred, I will never doubt Daniel’s love for me.

I squeeze his hand and roll to my side. His face must be only inches from mine and I lean in to press my lips to his.

“Hold on,” he says, pulling back from my kiss. “I didn’t hear ‘kiss the bride.’ Now it’s your turn.”

I press my free hand to my chest and try to still my surging heartbeat enough to match Daniel’s vows. “I, Rebecca Collins, take you, Daniel Whedon, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward.” I suck in a deep breath, unable to recognize an end of my love for him. “Not even death shall part us.”

With my last words, Daniel’s lips find mine in the darkness and we share our first married kiss. I focus on my joy and try not to think about how few kisses I’ll share with my new husband.

Twenty-Eight

Sunlight streams through the windows after too few hours. I squeeze my eyes tight and pretend I don’t hear the stirring of people outside, heading to breakfast. Daniel must have the same idea. Behind me, he pulls his arms tighter and nuzzles his head down into my shoulder.

After a few more minutes of blocking out the world, we both know our moment of peace is up. We have to get to breakfast, sneak back to the building where we stashed our equipment and get everything set up in time for our big television debut.

Elizabeth still hasn’t come back. I hope that wherever she is, she’s safe, but I don’t have enough space in my head to worry about her today.

There isn’t anything for us to do in the bunkhouse except put on our shoes, but we both linger over our laces, taking the extra moment to be here. It’s a dreary box with a leaky roof, a dirty window, and wobbly fake furniture, but it’s been my home for the past year.

I take a minute to make all the beds and push the chairs up around the table. Maybe when we’re gone, someone else will find this bunk and make it their home. It makes me happy to think of a group of women or men coming here after a day of working in the kitchens or picking up trash to sit around the table and share a story or a quick joke. This house deserves to hear laughter again.

The PIT has a holiday-like atmosphere today. I understand, there aren’t a lot of entertainment options available to us, but I don’t get the draw of watching the Acceptance ceremony. Maybe everyone is excited about the idea of seeing who’ll be joining our ranks before they actually get here. Or maybe they’re hopeful they’ll see friends or family in the crowd. Whatever the reason, people are smiling and laughing and the ceremony is the topic of conversation at every table in the dining hall.

Elizabeth isn’t at breakfast. I have to assume she knows what she’s doing, but I’m sad she’s not here. We may not be as close as I would have liked, but I still wish I could tell her good-bye. If she were here, I’d thank her for letting me be a part of her family, for accepting me even when she didn’t want to, and for sharing in the few moments of happiness I’ve had in the past year.

Daniel’s eyes stay glued to the door. He must be hoping to get another chance to see her, too.

We sit in the dining hall as long as we can, but time isn’t something we have a lot of today. Daniel sets down his bowl and spreads a forced smile on his face. “Are you ready?”

I nod and hold out my hand to him.

“Attention prisoners.” Up at the front of the room a guard in a pristine red suit stands up on top of a table. “All prisoners are to report to the courtyard for a mandatory viewing of today’s Acceptance ceremony. No exceptions. All prisoners should finish eating and make their way to the courtyard immediately.”

Daniel gives my hand a quick squeeze and leans in so his words aren’t overheard by anyone nearby. His warm breath tickles my neck and I lean in to get closer to him. “I’ll head out first and act like I’m going to the bath house. Wait here a few minutes and then make your way to the fence.” He brushes his lips against my ear and leaves a light kiss on the side of my neck. “I’ll see you out there.” With one last squeeze of my hand, Daniel strides out of the room.

I should be nervous, or scared, or even sad. Instead, it’s hard to say I feel anything at all. Daniel and I said our good-byes last night in the best way we knew how. Other than Elizabeth, I don’t have anyone else I want to see before the end. And I know this will be the end.

It actually brings me a bit of peace to accept the truth of the situation. I’ll get on camera with Daniel and we’ll fight back in the only way we can. When the guards come for us, and they will come, we won’t go quietly. We’ll fight and they’ll fight back and that will be the end for both of us. But we’ll be together. I won’t let the PIT separate us.

Outside, the courtyard is packed with everyone jostling to get a good view of the huge screen that’s been erected to show the ceremony. Other than meals there isn’t another time that everyone is all together, and even then people tend to congregate in shifts so they can have a place to sit while they choke down the burnt rice. The size of the crowd is overwhelming. I have to shove my way through to the far side by the bath house.

I find my way to the edge of the mass of bodies and walk as quickly as possible without drawing attention to myself. I need to blend in if I have any hope of getting out of here undetected. The bath house is only a few feet away and I’m home free, but a pair of rough hands grab me by the upper arms and spin me around.

“Are you too stupid to understand what mandatory means?” The red-uniformed guard jabs his hand into my back and pushes me toward the boisterous voices of the congregated prisoners. “Get back to the courtyard. Now.”

“I just need to go to the bath house.” My voice is a panicked whine in my head, but I can’t help it. I need to get out of here. I need to get to Daniel. “I’ll hurry. I promise.”

“Hold it.” A sneer slides across his mouth. What does he care if a prisoner is in discomfort?

“What’s going on?” Eric’s familiar voice joins in the argument and I don’t know if I should be thankful or concerned.

“Caught this one trying to sneak off to the bath house.”

“And?” Eric doesn’t look at me. I have no idea if he even realizes I’m the subject of the conversation.

“Our orders were clear. Everyone stays in the courtyard. You want to explain to the boss why one of them wasn’t there?”

“You want to explain why the Cardinal’s broadcast of the PIT includes a woman standing in a dress covered in piss?”

“I…well…”

“Right.” Eric grabs my upper arm in the same harsh manner the other guard did and pushes me ahead of him. “I’ll take her.” He shoves the back of my shoulder without another word and we march off toward the bath house.

What am I supposed to do now? We reach the bath house without Eric saying a word to me. I reach out an arm to push open the door. Eric grabs my arm before my hand makes contact and drags me wordlessly to the side of the building. In the shadows of the cramped walls, we’re hidden from the prying eyes of the packed courtyard.

There isn’t any reason to trust Eric, but I don’t have a choice. There isn’t time for me to sit around and make up excuses for why I have to leave. “Eric, I can’t stay here. Please let me go.”

“I’m not stopping you.” Marching in front of him, I didn’t get a chance to really see him, but now I do. Eric’s uniform is wrinkled. I might think he slept in it, except the dark circles under his eyes are evidence he isn’t getting much sleep these days. “I don’t know what you’re up to, but I hope it’s worth it. Now get out of here.”

He stands there, head down, hands in his pockets. He’s putting himself at risk letting me go. When my face flashes on the screen, the guard he shamed into letting me go will know Eric was responsible for letting me get away. “Thank you.”

His head jerks up. The hopeful pleading of his eyes is pathetic. The confident Eric who kissed me on the roof of an abandoned bunkhouse is gone. “If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d do everything different.”

“I know.” I know he’s sorry. I know he wishes things could be different. I know he wants my forgiveness. What I don’t know is if I can give it to him.

Eric lets his chin drop back down to his chest and turns around toward the courtyard, kicking a loose pebble from the path. “Tell my sister…” He stops, his head turning to stare off into the PIT. “Never mind. Nothing I say is any good to her now.”

I count one, two, three of his steps before the words come tumbling out. “I forgive you.” Eric stops but doesn’t turn around. “I hope you don’t get in trouble for this.”

A harsh laugh shakes his shoulders. “What are they going to do? Send me back to the PIT?”

“They might.”

“Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.” Pain pours out of his red-rimmed eyes. “The Cardinal may have let me out of the PIT, but I’ll never really get my freedom back.”

I wish there was more I could say, but we’ve both used up all our words. All that’s left for me is to suck up huge breaths of air to keep the tears at bay while Eric walks back to the life he wishes wasn’t his. I turn and race toward the end of the life I’m dying to save.

Twenty-Nine

Pain stitches up my side, but I don’t have time to slow down. The humongous speakers in the courtyard blare the sounds of the ceremony and I can hear them all the way out here by the fence. The band is in high spirits, but that means the Cardinal’s speech isn’t far behind. We’re running out of time.

My feet pound so hard against the ground I almost miss the sound of the approaching guards. They must be making a sweep of the PIT, making sure all the good little prisoners are tucked away in the courtyard so they can put up the fence without a riot breaking out. I slide into a doorless bunkhouse and hold my breath, waiting for them to pass by.

I catch my first break of the day and they don’t bother to check inside any of the buildings. I pause, leaning against the concrete wall, to make sure they’re far enough away. By now, Daniel’s probably wondering what happened to me.

I have one foot out the door when the band stops and the Cardinal’s booming voice pumps through the air. I have to keep moving, but I keep one ear out for other guards and one tuned in to the Cardinal’s words.

“…everything to make the Permanent Isolation Territory a place where those who can’t live among us can make a life for themselves. As you can see, they have everything they could need.”

I imagine the Cardinal at his podium while shots of a decluttered PIT flash behind him.

“Yet, despite these efforts, there are those inside the PIT who don’t appreciate the second chance at life they’ve been given. Just this past summer, a small, ineffective group of dangerous criminals attempted to break out of the PIT.” A gasp of shock echoes back through the microphone and plays out of our speakers. This is clearly the first the crowd at the ceremony has heard of our little ineffective escape. “There is no reason to be alarmed. Rest assured, I will never allow those who would undermine our society to escape. But let this serve as a reminder that there are dangerous people out there. The people we send to the PIT cannot be rehabilitated or trained, regardless of the benefits provided to them.”

The Cardinal is laying it on thick this year. Are there people out there with doubts about the system? A sliver of hope opens up in my head. If some of the citizens are questioning the Cardinal, maybe they’ll believe us. It might be too late for me and Daniel, but there’s a chance we can stop the Machine from Rejecting more people who don’t belong in here.

I turn the corner and run smack into Daniel. He gathers me into his arms and squeezes tight enough to cut off the scream I was about to let loose. “You’re alright,” he breathes into my hair. “I was so worried.”

“I’m fine. Eric helped me.”

Daniel raises his eyebrows, but I ignore his silent question and pull him back into another hug. Even with a hundred lifetimes, I could never stop wanting his arms around me. I convinced myself last night I was at peace with our good-bye. I was lying to myself.

The tears come out in loud bursts from the middle of my chest. Deep sobs that shake my torso and force me to my knees. Daniel kneels as well and I cling to him with all the strength left in me. I’m not ready to give this up.

“Shh…it’s okay. I’m right here.” Daniel holds me close, smoothing the tangled curls on the back of my head. We don’t have time for a breakdown, but he lets me have my moment. When the sobs slow down, he pulls back, one hand on my shoulder and the other cradling the side of my face. “You don’t have to do this. You can turn around and run to the courtyard and pretend you don’t know anything about this.”

“But you’re staying?” My hands are like a vise on his wrist.

“I don’t intend to live without you.”

There’s nothing left for me to do but stand up and walk into the building. I won’t leave him out here to die alone. I can’t sacrifice a single minute of the life we have together, no matter what that time will cost me. That is a choice I can still make.

Daniel was right. It really is all about maintaining control. The Cardinal and I have that much in common. Of course, the Cardinal wants control of an entire nation, while I’m just looking for a little control over my own life. But I know better now. I can’t control my life. I didn’t control it before the PIT and I certainly don’t control it in here. All I can control is how I react to what life hands me. Today, I fight.

We head into the building, but we can still hear the Cardinal’s voice blaring over the courtyard speakers. This close to the fence his words are blended with the sounds of hammers and metal scraping as the workers rush to get the fence up while everyone is distracted. The clang of bolts being driven into the posts is like the ticks of a time bomb counting down the minutes of this life we have together. It does nothing to help ease the queasiness in my stomach.

Daniel pulls the camera and transmitter out of their hiding spot and plugs them into the Noteboard. “I just need to finish programming in the signal they’re broadcasting in Cardinal City.”

“How do you know what signal they’re using?” I watch him type away into the machine, even though I don’t know how any of it works.

“That’s what I was doing yesterday. They set up the display after lunch and the receiver was already booted up.” Daniel hits a few more buttons before unplugging the Noteboard from the camera. “Okay, we’re ready.”

He hands me the camera and grabs a few boxes he managed to salvage from the remaining trash that decorates the edge of the PIT. Outside, the sun is higher in the sky. Daniel sets up the boxes a few feet from the side of the building to create a makeshift camera stand. “Stand against the wall and I’ll get the camera focused.”

Daniel positions the camera moving the lens back and forth. The Cardinal isn’t speaking anymore, but a dreary music is pumping from the speakers. I wonder if he’s showing more shots of the PIT. The Cardinal described this place like a criminal paradise. If he had shown the same footage last year would I have been appalled at the conditions or outraged at our ‘amenities’?

“Rebecca?” Daniel pulls my focus back to the task at hand. “We’re ready.”

I nod, but freeze at the sound of footsteps walking in our direction. From the volume, it has to be several people and they’re moving quickly. Daniel’s wide eyes meet mine. He grabs the camera in one hand and my wrist in the other, before running back into the building.

I slam the door closed behind us and Daniel shoves the camera under the mattresses. Standing against the back wall I hold my breath and listen for the sounds of whoever is walking nearby.

Back at the courtyard, the music stops playing and the Cardinal’s voice breaks back in over the sound of amplified applause. Whatever they showed the crowd in Cardinal City, they loved it.

Footsteps shuffle by the door. Whoever is out there isn’t talking like the other workers we’ve run across the past few days. Did the other guards notice that Eric didn’t return with the prisoner from the bath house? Are they looking for me? Keeping my eye on the door, I reach for Daniel’s hand as the footsteps stop right outside the building.

The hiss of a whisper is barely detectable over the Cardinal’s boisterous words. Daniel gives my hand a squeeze while we wait for the inevitable.

The door creaks open, but the backlight of glaring sun makes it impossible to see who’s come to take us down.

“So are you guys still going to crash the Cardinal’s party or did I drag all these people out here for nothing?”

My eyes adjust to the light and reveal Elizabeth standing in the doorway. I’m so happy that I get to see her and that she’s not a Cardinal guard that I rush over and tackle her with a hug, almost knocking both of us to the ground.

“Whoa, I love you, too, but you’re making it hard to breathe.” Elizabeth pries my arms from around her neck and looks over my shoulder.

“I didn’t think I’d get to see you again.” Daniel is right behind me, a slow smile revealing his dimples for the first time in ages.

“And let the two of you have all the fun? Never.” Daniel wraps her up in his arms and Elizabeth hugs him back.

“Wait, what do you mean all these people?” I move past her out the door, but stop before I get two feet in the sunshine. At least a dozen men and woman are standing outside the building biting their lips, running hands through their dirty hair and fussing with their threadbare clothes. In the front of the ragtag group are Constance and Thomas.

“I heard what you said,” Elizabeth says behind me. “About making a sacrifice, even when the odds are small.”

“But how?”

“I’ve been here a lot longer than you, girly. I managed to meet a few people before I started hanging out with the wrong crowd.” Elizabeth moves to stand with her group and winks at me and Daniel. “Once I convinced Constance, everyone else was easy. We’ve got all kinds of Rejects, from your mentally slow to physically challenged. All the people I know who shouldn’t be here.”

I want to meet them all, hear their stories, but there isn’t time. I finally know what I’m going to say and the timing is critical.

“Daniel, get the camera. Everyone else, come line up over here against the wall.”

I stop to listen to the Cardinal’s words. Based on last year’s speech we have just over a minute.

“Quickly, now.” I grab Daniel’s arm as he runs by with the camera. “When I point to you, I need you to cut in immediately. Can you do that?”

“Never doubt my technology skills.” He sets the camera down and we take time we don’t have for one last kiss. It’s brief and bittersweet and doesn’t even come close to the kiss we really deserve. But then, that’s kinda the point. This is what none of us deserve. “I love you.”

“More than you can ever know.” I let him go and turn back to the others, swallowing the tears I can’t afford. “I’m going to say a few words and then it will be your turn. We won’t have long before they find us and shut down the feed so we don’t have time for speeches. Just give your name, your Territory and the real reason why you’re here. This is what people need to know.”

The Cardinal’s voice rises and I know we’re out of time. This is the end of his speech. Now or never. Something small and cold hits the front of my chest. I dip my chin and the beautiful simplicity of my grandmother’s pendant strung on a dirty shoestring rests against my breastbone.

Elizabeth’s voice whispers in my ear from where she stands behind me. “So you never forget. This is why you’re here.”

I spin around and she’s motioning with her arms to all of us standing there. I understand what she means. This was what the Cardinal feared when he sent me here. Afraid I’d turn my voice against him. I can almost be grateful.

If everything had gone the way I expected at my Acceptance ceremony last year, I would be outside right now, living the boring life planned out for me and never know what true love is like. Life might be safer on the other side of the fence, but that doesn’t equal better anymore.

“I’m sorry for—”

I stop Elizabeth’s words with the palm of my hand. “How many times do I have to tell you that none of this is your fault? The guilt for this one belongs to the Cardinal and it’s time for everyone else to know it, too.”

I turn back to Daniel and take a second to meet his eyes. I try to say enough words for the next fifty years in that one gaze. I’m glad we don’t have time for a long good-bye. I could never make him understand how much he means to me. I nod my head and wait for the small green light on the front to blink on.

Looking right into the camera I smile as wide as I can. I smile for Daniel and Elizabeth for believing in me, for Constance for showing me what real love looks like. I smile for Molly and all those who came before her who’ll never smile again. Even Eric. I smile for all of them. And then I stop smiling.

“You know us. We’re your children, your classmates, your brothers and sisters. We aren’t criminals. Each of us is here because we’re different. We’re here because the Machine doesn’t decide who’s worthy of freedom, the Cardinal does. We’re here, and any one of you could be next.”

Elizabeth squeezes my hand and Daniel smiles at me from behind the camera. They give me the last bit of courage I need to keep going. “Ladies and Gentlemen of the Territories, before you stands the future.”

The End