ROAR (62 page)

But? Was he having reservations?

“Something’s missing.”

The blood rushing through her ears must have distorted his words. She reached for her water glass and took two large gulps.

He reached for her hands and pulled them toward the middle of the table, but continued to hold on. “Nothing would mean as much to me as you surrendering to me so completely…” She squeezed his hands to encourage him to say whatever seemed to be troubling him. “…that you would consider wearing my collar.”

She had no words. Kristoffer wanted to collar her—so soon? The honor of having a Dom, or for some a Master, want to take it to that level usually came after being together and building on their relationship for years.

“For me, your collar would be as binding as a marriage. There will be no walking away on my part. I’m talking
forever
.”

His declaration wasn’t so unlike the one he’d made at her dad’s, but in so many ways, it touched her more. Doms didn’t take collaring lightly, and neither did submissives. That moment when he placed the symbol of his love, protection, and devotion around her neck would be the ultimate tribute. He had chosen her to be his one and only submissive for all time, because Kristoffer did not go back on his promises.

His.

This decision meant much more to her—and to many in the community—than would a marriage proposal or wedding ring offered by the same person. For him to make such a commitment made her love him even more.

While she tried to process what he’d asked, he grew more serious and continued. “I know this probably seems sudden to you, but I first got the idea when we exchanged these bracelets a month ago. Something you said made me perceive your bracelet as a mini collar. I’ve been talking with Gunnar about it, and he reiterated that the bond between a Dom and his or her collared submissive is stronger than any other—except perhaps for fellow comrades in combat.”

The analogy seemed odd until she remembered Gunnar’s military background. She could easily see how the level of trust, love, and protection among their fellow troops must be at their greatest during a combat situation.

“I’m blown away and honored that you’d ask. But do you think we’re ready for such a step in our relationship? In some ways, I feel we’re barely brushed the surface of what it will ultimately be.”

“Thank you. I know we’ve already made a commitment to be together for the rest of our lives, but through the ritual of collaring and all that entails, we can seal our lives in a bond that would be unlike any I’ve ever had.” He loosened his tie, as if breathing had suddenly become difficult. “You are the only woman I’ve ever asked to wear my collar. And the only one I ever plan to ask.”

He hadn’t asked Tori in the fourteen years they spent playing together before the accident?

She smiled. For him to have found a unique way to make her his one and only in this revered and esteemed manner tempted her to agree on the spot, even though she hadn’t given a thought to being collared by anyone before this moment. If entered into solemnly and truthfully by both parties, it could take their relationship to a much deeper level—exponentially so.

Marriage wasn’t an option for them, and neither wanted to put their lives on hold, hovering like vultures over Tori, waiting for her body to finally give up the fight. What better way could there be for them to live in the present, move step-by-step together into the future, and cement their relationship more solidly than for her to accept his collar?

Looking into his intense blue eyes flustered her, so she closed hers to focus on hearing his words before trying to formulate her response.

“Pamela, if you agree to taking this step, we’d have a special ceremony with Gunnar officiating in his dungeon. I’d present you with a special necklace I’ve had created especially for you, a symbol of your surrender to me and my acceptance of that surrender as my collared submissive.”

He took a deep breath before continuing. “I don’t want you to accept my proposal out of fear that, if you don’t, our current relationship will end. Banish such thoughts immediately. If being collared isn’t right for you—now or far into the future—simply say no. No matter what you decide, I’ll continue to love, cherish, and protect you as long as I live. We have the rest of our lives to find ways to declare our love, trust, and commitment.”

“How would our relationship change afterward?”

“That’s for us to discuss and negotiate. In our case, we seem to gravitate toward a Dom/sub dynamic, but I don’t see this collar stopping at our BDSM relationship. It would encompass the whole of our lives together.”

“If I allowed you to collar me, I’d take it as seriously, too.” She nibbled her lower lip, unsure how to say this. “I suppose my biggest worry is about how it would affect my continuing to have autonomy over myself in matters of career.”

“I’d expect you to include me in discussions before making any major decisions that might affect our lives together, but you would have the ultimate say in matters concerning your career.”

Such as her going to Afghanistan, no doubt? She glanced down, knowing she hadn’t consulted with him before agreeing to take the assignment, much less asked for permission to go. However, he’d known of her passionate mission from the first time they met when she’d shared them in Gunnar’s boardroom the day she’d pleaded her case with the Forseti Group to help Fakhira—and even more so since they’d been seeing each other.

Even though he’d just said he wouldn’t impose his will on her when it came to matters of her career, without question, she wouldn’t make such a decision without consulting with him in the future. They were partners in life now.

“Eyes on me.” Her pulse raced as she met his gaze. “I’m only asking for one thing—the complete and unconditional surrender of your heart.”

Silly man
. “I thought you knew you already have that.”

He smiled for the first time since this conversation had begun. Even the server had steered clear of their table, possibly sensing something monumental was being discussed here. And she’d be right.

“Something I am eternally grateful for, but the vows I intend to make as I place my collar around your slim, beautiful neck should give
you
an even deeper sense of assurance of my pledges to you and that we belong to one another.” He tapped her bracelet. “This came with many promises from my heart. However, my collar will not only set those promises in stone, because you will wear it for the rest of your life, but will help us take this relationship much further. Deeper.”

In her heart and mind, she saw no reason to deny his request. However, he continued before she could speak.

“I don’t want your answer until you return from Afghanistan, because this isn’t something to rush into or take lightly. I’ve been doing a lot of research on this commitment, and I’ll be e-mailing you some blogs from other submissives sharing their deliberations as they decided whether to accept their Dom’s or Master’s collar, their rituals used, and their lives after the ceremony. But you need to see both sides, so I’ll also send some articles from those whose experiences weren’t as positive as they had hoped. If you have time and energy, I encourage you to do some research on your own, as well. But I’m sure your time will be limited.”

She nodded. After her shift, she normally crashed into bed a few hours then went back to work. She planned to fit in time for exercise and healthier meals, so that she wouldn’t come home sick and exhausted the way she had the last time. Kristoffer had promised to give her self-care assignments to do as well.

“About the only good thing I can say about our separation is that it gives you a chance to be apart from me while objectively weighing the advantages and disadvantages of your decision.”

She’d never seen such a ceremony before, but had spoken with collared submissives at the Masters at Arms Club. What struck her most was the peace of mind each had expressed feeling after being collared. Having never trusted anyone enough to want to be bound to him in such a permanent way, though, the thought of being collared simply hadn’t crossed her mind.

Until now.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he held up his hand to halt her. “One more thing—a very important piece of information to consider.” After taking another sip of his water, he added, “If you agree to wear my collar, I will make it absolutely clear this is for life. Obtaining a divorce from a husband would be a hundred times easier than erasing your promises to commit to me.”

“I’ll do whatever you ask to assure my lifelong commitment.”

“Including having my name tattooed on your body?”

She smiled. “I’d permanently wear your name in a heartbeat. You might recall I’ve been inked before.”

“Would you be agreeable to altering the existing tattoo if that’s what I wanted you to do?”

“Yes. The key inked on my back was significant to me at the time, but no longer bears the same importance.” The door she wanted unlocked had been opened when Kristoffer came into her life.

“All right, but you
will
take the time I ask for you to think this over before we take this permanent step. Committing yourself to someone forever and in every way isn’t something you jump into.”

“Fine. I’ll do as you say and give it a lot of thought first.” She was certain that the pro column would far outweigh the con one. She squeezed his hand. “No matter what, Sir, I want you to know I am honored that you would find a way to join us together that is unmistakably different than the way you committed to Tori. Having that unique bond would be at the top of my long list of pros.”

“You two are nothing alike, yet you both chose to love me.” He picked up his water goblet and indicated that she do the same. “I am the one who is honored—and humbled—by your devotion and love, my lady.”

Tears stung her eyes as they clinked glasses and drank to the toast. “No more of that, or I won’t be able to see to drive home.”

“If you aren’t able to drive, give me your keys.” He held out his hand, but she waved it away.

“I’m fine. And I can’t wait to get home so I can find out what else you have planned for me tonight.”

*     *     *

Kristoffer followed Pamela’s car back to the condo, keeping his focus on her and the road, while thoughts of what he’d proposed threatened to distract him. He probably should have waited to ask until just before she left, but his mind would have been too muddled to make any sense.

He clenched his jaw. Worry about her trip had consumed him since he’d heard she was leaving. Being supportive was bloody hard sometimes.

Had he made sense tonight? If not, they still had a few days to talk about it.

Tori’s only remaining needs were physical, but Pamela’s were emotional, spiritual, moral, physical—everything. She was vibrant, and their relationship could take any shape they chose as long as they worked at it.

Pamela’s Jeep took their exit ramp, and he followed. Almost home. He had planned a scene meant to relieve her of any lingering stress from work—and to take his own mind off saying goodbye to her in the days ahead.

He pulled into the spot he’d been assigned in the parking garage for his second vehicle, now that Pamela had his premium one, and joined her at the elevator door. Unable to resist, he bent down and placed his lips on hers, but what was intended as a quick peck soon became an impassioned kiss.

When the elevator dinged, he pulled away. Her eyes sparkled even in the darkness. “You’re always going to own my heart, Kristoffer Roar Larson, no matter what.”

Her smile melted him even more than tonight’s heat. “And you, mine, Sprite.”

She cocked her head, fanning herself playfully. “Not to mention that you make me hot, my Lord.”

He shook his head. His brat wanted to play tonight, apparently.

“While I’m preparing the scene in the bedroom, I want you to journal your initial thoughts and questions about what we discussed over dinner.”

“Our trip to Norway next year? Can’t that wait?” She tried to remain serious, but fought back a laugh even under his most intense glare.

He swatted her backside then kept his hand on her ass as he guided her into the elevator car. “I’ll make another promise to you tonight—one you won’t have a choice in.”

“What’s that, Sir?”

“Your ass will be much hotter before the night’s over.”

She grinned, her eyes dilating.

“If you must, Sir. How else will I learn?”

Each time she submitted to him, whether playfully like this or with great seriousness as she had so many times now, she filled more of the chasm that had once been his heart.

After opening the door to the foyer, he tried to ground her before she started her writing assignment. “If you have questions about the collaring proposal you haven’t asked, write them down, and I’ll answer as best I can over dinner tomorrow.”

“Yes, Sir.” She picked up her journal and pen from the coffee table and curled up on the sofa.

Inside the bedroom, he decided he wanted to make love to her more than play. He lit scented candles and turned on the lights to set the proper mood.

Unable to wait any longer, he walked into the living room and found her forehead scrunched as she thought about what to write. A Miles Davis track played on the stereo.
Perfect
.

He closed the gap and reached for her pen. “You can finish tomorrow. There’s something you and I started that can’t wait.”

He pulled her by the hand until she stood next to him. He was still dressed in his suit from dinner, and she in the dress she’d worn to work.

“But first, let’s not waste such beautiful music.” He pulled her into his embrace, and they swayed to the music, staring into each other’s souls. When a Coltrane song came on, she closed her eyes and rested her cheek against his chest, but they continued to dance through several songs before he lowered the zipper of her dress. His hand stroked her back, unhooking her bra to get it out of the way.

“Mmm. I love when you touch me.”

Kristoffer had lost all interest in whatever else he’d planned. Tonight, he wanted to make love to her. He pulled away and framed her face.