Robyn Donald – Iceberg (25 page)

the outlines of the islands of the gulf with their euphonious names, Waitheke, Ponui, Titititi, Matangi, and the

prominent cone of Rangitoto.

Passing the small centre of Titirangi they continued on for, some miles before Justin swung off the road on to a

drive almost literally enmeshed in damp herbage, overgrown by enormous rhododendrons beneath a canopy of

taller trees whose branches met above the track.

Linnet waited apprehensively for some of the foliage to strike the car, but Justin negotiated through it without a

vagrant twig so much as touching the paintwork. After a few moments the road debouched into a paddock lying

to the north, warm, surrounded by stands of bush tall enough to shelter, yet still permitting that glorious view to

be seen. Dotted about it were puriri trees and beneath them lay sheep and cattle, grateful for the shade.

The drive ended in a bricked courtyard behind a small, old house, well cared for yet clearly empty.

As Justin switched the engine off Linnet turned to him, her query plain in her expression.

'I used to live here when I was a boy,' he said, the words heavy sounding in the quiet air. 'Let's get oat and have

a look.'

It was very still, very quiet except for the soft bleat of one of this year's Iambs. Bees buzzed enthusiastically in

old-fashioned daisy bushes; a jacaranda canopied the courtyard with blue as bright as the sky above.

'It's lovely,' Linnet breathed, wishing fervently that he would hold her hand again instead of impersonally

guiding her across the bricks with his fingers at her elbow.

'My parents lived here most of my childhood. I left to marry Alison, but I've always hung on to it. The last

tenants moved out a few days ago.'

The fragile bubble of happiness enveloping Linnet evaporated at the sound of Alison's name. Why, oh, why

did ,he have to mention her now?

At first she thought they were going inside, but instead Justin pulled a hamper from the boot of the car and

escorted her down a path at the side of the house to a garden which was gay with old-fashioned flowers, stocks

and 'pansies and wallflowers, roses, pinks and marigolds, all mixed together in a .splendid pot-pourri of colour

and perfume and form.

In one corner was a summerhouse half hidden by a mass of pink mountain clematis. Justin directed Linnet's

footsteps across the grass to it, set the hamper down, then put her into one of the wrought iron chairs there;

'Anna realised that you weren't likely to have had much lunch, if any,' he said blandly, 'so she's packed

something for you. I’ll have coffee.'

So she poured coffee for both of them, and discovered that Anna had put in several slices of bacon and egg pie,

a salad with cherry tomatoes, wholemeal rolls and white peaches to finish with.

Suddenly Linnet was inordinately, ravenously hungry. As Justin drank coffee, seated on the broad plank

balustrade which overlooked the garden so that she got an excellent view of the uncompromising line of his

profile,, she devoured pie and salad with all of the hunger of a healthy young body deprived too long of food.

At last, when sated, she heaved a huge sigh, poured herself coffee and asked tentatively, 'Would you like a

peach? I'll peel one for you, if you like.’

'His, smile was a lazy answer. 'Yes, I'd enjoy one.'

The fruit was sweet with pinkish juice which threatened to run down her chin. Linnet grabbed a tissue, mopped

it up and sighed again.

'Such heavy sighs. Feeling depressed?’

There was a hint of mockery behind the smooth tones which had the automatic effect of stiffening her

shoulders.

'Not at all,' she answered-politely, putting the remnants of her feast back into the hamper. 'Just full. I'm afraid I

made a pig of myself.'

'Not in the least. Such enthusiastic single-mindedness is a pleasure to watch. Don't you have to worry about

your weight?’

Made uneasy by the way his eyes lingered down the length of her body, she replied, 'Not yet, anyway. I dare^

say it will come. Justin, why did you bring me here?'

He didn't seem angered by the bluntness of her question. 'Because I want to talk to you, and there seems no

other place where we won't be interrupted. Sarah will probably be furious when we get back as it is. I'm afraid

her conception of our marriage was a blissful state where she had you entirely to herself with me as a kind of

father in the backgrounds.’

There seemed to be no answer to that. Linnet moistened her Ups and sipped her coffee, wondering uneasily just

what he had to discuss with her dial needed such solitude as this.

'Nothing to say?' he mocked. 'Surely you didn't share her misconception, Linnet?'

'No, of course not, I know that------' hesitating, searching for words which would not comer she ended lamely, 'I

know that you want a proper marriage. Not one in name only.’

'I hope so. Anything else would be asking for trouble, and believe me, I've had enough of that to put me off it

for the rest of my life.'

The edge in his voice caught her attention at once; It was rare to hear such emotion in the generally level tones.

Over me rim of her coffee mug Linnet assessed him anxiously, caught an unexpected hint of weariness and felt

that aching compassion which weakened her sternest resolutions.

Jumping to her feet, she went-over to him, laying an impulsive hand on his arm. 'Justin, I don't want you to feel

you have to—to pander to me. I know I was angry at the tactics you used to get me to marry your—but I can

understand why you did. You do love Sarah very much.’

He smiled at that, his eyes silver-grey and very piercing.

'I do, very much, but I didn't stoop to such underhand tactics just to ensure her happiness'. Sit down, Linnet, I

want to tell you about my first marriage.’

Chilled by what amounted to his rejection of her overture, Linnet seated herself on the chair, turning so that all

that he saw of her was her profile. Two, she thought dully, could play at that game.

'I married Alison because I was infatuated with her,' he said, his voice cold and remote, totally without emotion.

'She was gay and beautiful, a restless, wayward,, headstrong creature, vital and alive. I was too young to realise

that what I thought was love was merely calf-love; I wanted her more than I'd ever wanted a woman and I

determined to make her mine.'

Linnet found that her temples were cold with a dew of perspiration. She had wanted to know of that first

marriage, but it was agony to hear him discuss the intensity of his feelings for Alison, knowing that this time he

had deckled to marry for infinitely more practical reasons.

'So we were married,' he said flatly. 'I suppose it took me a year to force myself to admit that I'd made the most

colossal mistake, that my selfishness had cost her any hopes of happiness as well as my own. She was unstable,

a victim of her own mercurial character and her parents' indulgence. By then she had become totally dependent

on me for some sort of stability, and I------' he stopped’ as if even now it went against the grain to admit his

mistake, continuing after a moment in a flat voice, '----I had discovered that all that I could feel for her was a

compassion which hurt me as much as it did her. She was pregnant, so there was no possibility of a separation.

I'd like to be able to say that I accepted the situation gracefully and made the best of it, but that would be lying.'

Linnet sat with bowed head, wishing she could rid her-, self of the corroding envy which had her in its grip.

Whatever had happened afterwards, Alison had known what it was like to be passionately adored by Justin;

Linnet could not help feeling that she would give up almost anything to be the focus of such white-hot

emotions. But he had made sure that nothing so heart-wrenching should every happen to him again.

For the life of her she could not speak, could not offer him any encouragement, certainly had no way of

summoning up the words to silence him, which was what she wanted to do. With fingers tightly clasped around

her coffee mug she stared into the amber liquid.

'I hurt her, again and again, because I couldn't hide my indifference,' he continued still in the same monotone,

'She reacted by behaving outrageously, so I treated her with a brutality which makes me cringe now when I

think of it. His only excuse I have is that I was young, and not accustomed to disappointment.'

'You don't have to excuse yourself to me,' Linnet murmured in a choked voice.

'I want you to -understand. I know you've heard— gossip. Your compassion and understanding led you to

discount the most slanderous, but I feel that for her sake as well as mine you should know exactly what

happened.' His voice altered, became dry with sarcasm. 'Of course, I can only put my side of things. You're at

liberty to believe me or not.'

'I've never known you to lie,' she returned honestly.

'I can lie by omission as well as the next man,' was his unexpected reply. 'However, in this case I'm trying to be

as objective as possible. When Sarah was born Alison was delighted; she became devoted to the child, and for a

few months I hoped there was a chance of happiness for us all. Unfortunately she was unable to live up to her

own high standards, and the moods of depression became more frequent, the periods of wild gaiety fewer and

fewer. We moved to the country then; I'd hoped that the more settled life would help her. For a while it seemed

to work; She flung herself heart and soul into life there, but when me novelty wore off she relapsed into her old

ways and we bad a constant stream of visitors invited by her to shield her-from her own fears and inadequacies.

If I'd loved her I might have been able to help, but I could only think of her as another Sarah, someone to

protect and cherish.'

Linnet lifted her head, swivelling around so that she could see him clearly. The sun was westering now, casting

longer shadows across the lawn, gilding his profile and throwing the rest of his face into darkness.

Very quietly, because her heart was racing so violently that she was sure he must hear it, she asked, 'Do you feel

guilty about that, Justin?'

'I feel I failed her,' he answered, each word hard and clear on the soft air. Incongruously from somewhere in the

paddock a skylark rose singing, the brilliant fountains of sound a hymn to the fertile warmth of the season as the

bird followed an instinct as old as time.

Linnet asked carefully, 'Why? You seem to have done all you could to make her happy. Why do you think you

failed her?'

Slowly he turned his head. His eyes held hers in a relentless glance. "Because I insisted on marrying her,’ he

said,

Like the skylark, Linnet possessed instincts, and like him, she followed them. 'Then why the
hell
are you doing

it a second time round?' she almost shouted, thumping her coffee mug down on the table. '

Justin swung himself down on to the bricks of the floor, caught her shoulders and without slackening his grip

drew her up into his arms. 'Because I love you,' he said, his expression stem and unyielding. 'And because I

think you love me.'

'And if I don't?'

He laughed then, not with amusement but as if his tension was so great that only laughter could ease it. 'Then I'll

have to teach you how,' he said. 'Because I know I can't live without you, and I'm damned sure that an emotion

as strong as this must be reciprocated, even if-you are too blind and obstinate to see it.'

'You're an idiot,' she said with loving emphasis, touching the firm line of his mouth with her forefinger, thrilled

that his incredible avowal had given her the right to do this. 'Of course I love you, Justin. I------'

His mouth crushed her admission into nothingness; his arms strained her to him with a ferocity which made her

gasp, but she hugged him as hard as she could, offering up her mouth and body to the searching punishment of

his.

'I'm sorry,' he said deeply, after a while. 'Did I hurt you?'

'I don't care.' Linnet's eyes were slumberous with quickly aroused passion, her voice deeper by several-tones.

She pressed a kiss on to the tip of his chin, whispering against the soft roughness of his skin. 'When did you

know, Justin?'

'When I first saw you.' He smiled at her widened eyes. 'Surprised? Not as stunned as I was, believe me. You

stood there on the doorstep, enough like Alison to rouse my antagonism, yet with that fundamental air of

strength, and I knew that life was’ never going to be the same again.'

'You were so rude to me!'

He smiled, ironically, as one hand moved slowly from her throat to the curve of her breast, resting there with

the stillness of complete possession. 'I was knocked off my feet. At first I thought it was merely physical, that

perhaps I was doomed to want slim red-haired creatures with hazel eyes and the kind of sensuality which is as

unconscious as it's provocative. And of course Bronwyn told me you were contesting your father's will.’

Incredible to think that she should ever see those silver eyes soften into tenderness! It was this which convinced

Linnet that he really did love her; his passion, exciting and full of promise though it was, could not give her the

happiness which that astounding gentleness brought into being.

Breathlessly, for his restless hand was roving as if trying to memorise the contours of her body, she said, 'I