Rock Bottom (Bullet) (17 page)

Chapter Twenty-four

IT WAS HARDER leading group now with Ethan there.  There were so many reasons that made it harder.  First was she just wanted to exclude everyone else and focus exclusively on her lover.  But second was that, even when she was doing her job and doing it well, he was distracting.  She had to force herself to focus.  Finally, she was worried that all the other group members would be able to tell, and she was sure that would send her credibility plunging down the toilet.

As they eased into the evening, though, she was able to ascertain that no one
could tell what was going on between her and Ethan, and that helped her relax.  It didn’t remove the distraction factor, nor did it make her less inclined to want to focus only on him, but it made her less nervous about the trust and respect she’d earned from these folks.

Everyone in group that night seemed to be doing well.  Yes, they all had struggles, but the folks who’d shown up this evening all appeared to be conquering their demons.  It was as though the earth had decided to smile upon all her inhabitants:  they’d suffered enough
, and now was their time to be rewarded.

Group ended, n
othing melodramatic or painful having had occurred.  It had been a nice session, even with several people delving into their pasts, trying to come up with solutions for their present.  In fact, because of the general mood, Jenna was certain they were dealing with her questions better than usual.  Or, perhaps, that was
her
perception based on her mood and that sensation of giddy lightness she’d been feeling.

No, group went well
, and she was positive her cover hadn’t been blown.  But when it was time to call it a night, Jay Bird hovered behind, something he did on occasion.  Jay was a nice guy, he really was, but there would never be the spark he kept trying to ignite.  Jenna wasn’t sure why he was going to try again, because she’d turned him down before.  He was hanging back, stacking chairs with Ethan, while Jenna cleaned up the coffee area.  And then she felt foolish about all her worry, because she overheard part of the men’s conversation.  Jay was asking Ethan about his band, and Ethan deflected the question, saying he wasn’t sure what the future held.  But then Jay asked him what he did to resist his temptations.

Maybe it was a good matchup, Jenna thought, feeling guilty for assuming
Jay was hanging around for her.  She kept cleaning up, and her thoughts wandered to the last few days.  She could tell Ethan’s words were reassuring, something she wouldn’t have expected from someone as fragile as Ethan seemed to be sometimes, but he seemed stronger because he was able to help Jay just by offering some kind words and advice.

But when Jenna joined both men by the door, she felt awkward.  She hadn’t explicitly asked Ethan to keep their relationship secret, but so far he seemed to just understand that without having to be told.  Jay wasn’t leaving, though, and she was starting to wonder if she was going to have to give it away.

She tried to act casual, and—as she got close to them—she said, “Time to head out, fellas.”

Jay didn’t smile but said, “Can I talk to you for a few minutes before you hit the road?”

No.
  If it were something involving his recovery, sure, but she knew what he was going to ask.  This happened every couple of months when he and his girlfriend were having problems, and he was due.  Maybe she was wrong, though.  “Yeah, sure.”

Ethan smiled and nodded his head.  “Catch you later.”

Wow.  While it made her sad that he was leaving, what he’d done was incredibly cool.  “Yeah, see you, Ethan.”  An act like that confirmed to her what he’d been saying all along…that he
understood
her.  It felt a little eerie, but it was turning out to be true.

So…back to Jay.  He maybe wanted to talk to her about struggles or something else, but anytime in the past he’d wanted to talk to her alone
and she had the same feeling she had now, it was to make sure she hadn’t changed her mind about dating him.  She hoped she was wrong this time.

“So, what’s up, Jay?”

He smiled, tentative. 
Oh, no.
  Not a good sign.  “Jenna, I just want you to know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and I know you’ve said
no
before, but I wondered if you wanted to go to Elitch’s before summer’s over?  Just as friends, you know?”

Oh, the poor guy.  He was such a sweetheart deep down, but he didn’t seem to understand boundaries at all…not that she could talk, considering she and Ethan were together.  It wasn’t different, was it?  The only difference was that she and Ethan had some weird connection.  She had to do this quickly, and it was going to have to be like ri
pping off a Band-Aid—super fast—so if it stung, it was over with before he knew it.  “Oh, Jay, thank you for thinking of me, and I want you to know I
do
think of you as a friend.  But…I’m seeing someone, and even if you and I just went as friends, he might not take it that way; you know what I mean?”

He frowned a little but nodded. 
“Yeah.”

It was something Jenna wouldn’t have normally done, but she knew Jay needed someone.  He wasn’t needy, but he’d been independent for a while now, and Jenna could tell the guy was desperate to connect with someone.
  She got the feeling that he and his girlfriend weren’t friends.  “What about your girlfriend?”

He looked at the floor.  “We broke up last week.”

She nodded and frowned.  Poor guy.  “I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for, but have you considered asking one of the ladies in our group?  I know they all really like you.”

He paused, blinking.  “They
do
?”

“Yeah.
  You can’t tell?”

A small smile was growing on his face.  “No.  I don’t believe you.”

“Well, they do.  Everyone here thinks you’re pretty special, Jay.  That’s why they have a special nickname for you and no one else.”

“So who?
  Who likes me?”

Jenna grinned.  She could tell this was a huge ego boost for Jay, something the guy needed.  “I think I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself.”

He shook his head, still smiling.  “Tease.”

“You know it.  Now let’s get out of here.  See you next week?”

Jay nodded and walked out the door with her.  Once she was in her car, she considered calling Ethan, but she didn’t want to seem desperate, even though she was already wanting to spend every waking moment with him.

As she was walking up the stairs to her apartment a while later, though, he called, asking her if her conversation with Jay had turned out okay, and she assured him it had.  “Should I have stayed behind?  I thought maybe I shouldn’t, since you were still doing your job.”

“No, Ethan, that was fine.  Good call.  Thanks.”

“I
thought about coming over to your place tonight and ravishing your body all night long, but I’m picking Chris up pretty early.  Val lives in Golden, and I’ll be going through the morning rush, so…see you Sunday night or Monday?”

“Sounds great.”
  She knew she was going to miss him, but it was just a couple of days…and this was something she knew Ethan needed desperately.  She was so glad he was going to have time with his son.  She couldn’t remember, but she thought he’d said it had been months and months since he’d last seen him.  She didn’t have kids of her own, but she knew that was far too long, and she didn’t want to get in the way.  She knew he needed those alone moments, and she’d give them to him.

She didn’t know the last time, though, that just a couple of days looked like the longest wait ever.

Chapter Twenty-five

ETHAN PULLED HIS
second vehicle—a car, more kid-friendly than his badass truck—up to the white house THAT he and Val had called home for few years until he left so she and Chris could continue to live there without him.  He’d bought it after Fully Automatic’s first album had gone gold and he had more money than he’d ever had in his entire life.  He had more cash than he could blow on all his vices, and so the first things he did were buy the house (and everything the house needed) and a car for Val.  He’d also tried to talk Val into getting the throat surgery she needed, but Ethan was on tour at the time and she’d said she was worried about money.  It would wait till later, she said.  Money really was no longer an issue, but Val wouldn’t hear of it.  They’d struggled too hard for too long, and she wanted to be sure they could afford it.  And then she got pregnant and stopped worrying about her voice.

Ethan knew she missed it, though.  She’d loved being in the band as much as he did.  Val, being the poet of the group, started writing some seriously dark
shit after that.  Not being in the band fueled her writing and her dark side more than anything else ever had.  So there was that.  She also spent that time learning to play the guitar.  She didn’t feel bad spending a little money on lessons, and Ethan was glad for that.  Maybe, he thought, she’d be able to start another band, and she could be one of their guitarists instead of a vocalist.  She already had the cred and she had connections, thanks to Fully Automatic.  She got pregnant, though, and never mentioned it again.

It made him sad, but it fucked with his head too, and he’d never tell anyone else.  Now he truly was Val’s entire world, and that put more pressure on him.
  She’d constantly ask him to tell her all about a practice or writing session.  She would sometimes come along, but more often than not, she’d spend her time fixing up their house or working outdoors.  Ethan became her entire focus, and it just wasn’t working.  So he’d come home, crack open a beer (or seven), and try to think of all the reasons why he loved her.  She’d become so needy, though, and he tried to not let it get to him.  He knew it was just because she really did love him back, and she was also trying to live through him…but it was so tough.  So…he’d started cheating again.  He needed to fuck someone who didn’t have a heavy emotional attachment to the act.  Sure, there was some kink involved too.  Nothing beat visiting a woman by going through her back door, but he never would have asked Val to do that, or asphyxiation, or anal beads, or any of the other flavors of sex he liked to experience on occasion.  There were women who loved that, and they were even happier when they found out Ethan Richards, guitar god, was the one giving it to them.

And he knew she’d been faithful, in spite of the fact that there was something between her and Brad.  The two of them denied it and he knew they
’d never acted on it (aside from a lot of flirting and a few make out sessions), but it didn’t change the fact that the two of them loved each other.  He would have thought, though, that Val’s marriage to Ethan would have ended their feelings for one another…but it hadn’t.  It was somewhere during that time that Ethan knew he’d never be enough for her.  She would always compare him to the guy who got away…and Ethan knew it.  Even the H didn’t make it better.  That was another dull ache to add to the mountain of pains he carried with him every day.

It didn’t hurt as badly anymore, though.  It had at first…because Val and Brad had always seemed so inevitable to him
. When he got out of rehab and discovered the two of them had just moved in together, it was like a punch in the gut…like they’d only been waiting for Val and Ethan to get their relationship out of their system so Val could be with the guy she really wanted.  And, yeah, when Ethan thought about it hard, it still almost brought tears to his eyes.  He would never in a million years ever admit it, though.  Real men didn’t cry.  They didn’t.

Part of him felt relief, though, that Val would always be taken care of.  Brad was a good man
who could and would treat Val better than Ethan ever could.  He had to remember that he had Chris too, and even though Ethan had been a pretty shitty father up to this point, he loved that kid more than he’d ever loved anyone else on the planet.  And he was going to start being the best dad he could from this point forward.

His legs didn’t seem to want to move up the sidewalk to the door of the house he used to call home.  Even when he was at his worst, he
’d looked forward to coming home…to the cream-colored walls inside, the beautiful plants Val had nurtured both inside and out, the blue-gray sofa and the matching overstuffed chair he’d called his, and her arms.  It wasn’t his house anymore, though, and the trek to the front door felt difficult.  He had to do it, though.  The only way to make his past up to anyone—to his son, his soon-to-be ex, or his best friend—was by being a father to his son, being the dad now that he wasn’t able to be then.

He was able to force one foot in front of the other until he was walking up the steps to the porch.  It sounded quiet, but he knew that was because the air conditioning was likely on, and they were probably also in the kitchen, which was near the back of the house. 
Part of him worried that they were gone, that they’d conveniently “forgotten” he was coming to get his son.

Stop it, for fuck’s sake.
  He unclenched the fists hanging by his side and straightened out his index finger.  He punched the doorbell button and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.  Fuck.  Seriously?  Stood up?  He took another deep breath, ready to go back to the car for his cell phone, but then he heard a hand on the doorknob.  He pushed the rising ire (now unnecessary) down deep and tried to make his expression as neutral as possible.

He must have expected Valerie to open the door, because it was a bit of a shock when Brad did.  Oh, he knew Brad lived here now too, but he thought Brad didn’t know he knew
and wouldn’t be the one answering the door.  But after the surprise was over, Ethan realized that it was good to see his old friend standing there.  “Hey, Ethan, come on in.”  Brad held the door open for Ethan, and Ethan stepped inside.

He
still had a bad feeling about the visit.  The house felt quiet. 
No
…did Valerie and Chris split and leave Brad to deliver the bad news?  Maybe they didn’t trust Ethan after all.  But he kept it down.  He couldn’t keep believing the worst.  Maybe they were at the store and would be back in a while.  Brad had invited Ethan in, after all, and he had to believe that was some sort of sign of trust.

Bottom line, living in the moment, Ethan had to admit one thing.  “Goddamn, man, it’s great to see you.”

Brad smiled and Ethan saw the relief register in his friend’s eyes.  He and Brad had been as close as brothers since they were kids, and he’d wondered more than once if their friendship was all over.  The last time they’d seen each other in person, Brad had given Ethan the beating of his life.  It hurt even through the haze of alcohol and heroin, but he’d been too far gone to defend himself well.  Truth be told, Ethan at that time had been hoping Brad would beat him to death…but he hadn’t.  In fact, when Brad stopped himself, pulling that last punch, Ethan could see the regret and guilt in Brad’s eyes as the man let go of his collar and let him fall on the couch in this very house.

Until this
moment, Ethan had wondered if their friendship would survive all that had happened in the past year, but he could see in Brad’s eyes that those particular bygones were fucked.  Their brotherhood was stronger than that.  Brad grabbed his friend and embraced him in a manly hug, and Ethan was slapping his friend on the back before it fully registered inside him just how good it felt.  As much as he’d loved his wife, losing Brad would have been harder.

When Brad let him go, he said, “You’re looking good…healthy.”  He took a breath and shoved his hands in his jeans.  Even Ethan had to admit his best friend was a good-looking guy, the one the girls always drooled over.  Long black hair, tall, in great shape—rock star fit. 
So to hear his friend say that he, Ethan, looked good made him feel more relaxed.  He hadn’t known that Brad would be able to see the changes in him.  “How long?”

He knew Brad was asking how long he’d been clean.  “More than
eight months.”

Ethan could tell his friend wanted to ask more, but that’s when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye.  He shifted his gaze and there she was…one of the most beautiful women Ethan had ever known…beautiful not just on the outside
.  She was breathtaking down to the soul.  And the ugliest part of Ethan had once tried to destroy that, mar and ruin all that made her the lovely creature she’d been born.

He’d passed Brad’s judgment and fought to relax his hands once more while awaiting hers.  She walked down the hallway from the back of the house, her brown hair pulled in a ponytail, holding his son Chris on her hip.
  As she got closer, Ethan tried to smile, but her blue-green eyes, once brimming with affection and adoration for him, were cool.

Wow.  So he hadn’t known wha
t to expect, but he hadn’t anticipated that.

He should have, though.  He’d been a real rat bastard to her, and he was only getting what he had coming to him.
  By the time she got to where he and Brad were standing, though, her expression had softened.  Ethan thought he saw relief in her features, just as he’d seen in Brad’s eyes.  That hit him like bricks.  They could just tell by looking at him that he wasn’t using anymore.  Had he looked that bad before?

She
pursed her lips for a moment and then a tiny smile crossed her face.  For just a moment, Ethan thought,
That’s my girl.
  But, no…she wasn’t his, never would be, probably never had been.  Still…there would always be part of him that loved her, loved her to the bottom of his soul.  He took in a breath and she said, “Ethan…you look good.”

He nodded, trying to maintain his cool.  “Thanks.  I’m feeling pretty good.”

Her smile was gone and she inhaled sharply.  “I hate to go there, but I have to ask.  You’re really clean, right?”

It hurt, but he didn’t blame her.  He had no right to expect anyone to believe him.  It would take
a lifetime to change their expectations.  He knew that.  So he swallowed…both the saliva in his mouth and his pride (his pride…that fucker that had gotten him into more trouble than anything else) and said, “Yeah…about eight months now.”

He could tell she was nervous.  Valerie did this thing with her teeth when she was stressed.  She wouldn’t quite grit them or grind them and she wasn’t exactly a jaw
clencher, but it was akin to that.  If a person weren’t standing next to her, he wouldn’t even notice it, but she and Ethan had gone through a lot together.  Hell, he’d been the main source of her stress, so he could tell.  He knew.  She let out a breath and said, “I’m grateful to hear that…and glad for you.  I know it’s been difficult for you.”

Oh…she had no idea, and having her, Chris, and Brad out of his life didn’t help.  But…he was pretty sure their absence had been part of what had opened up his eyes, because two near-death experiences and a beating that took close to a week to recover from hadn’t done it.  When
he woke up feeling like shit one morning and realizing he had lost them all (including his other friends and bandmates, Nick and Zane, who were sticking with Brad), he had one of two choices:  Either just finally fucking end it like he’d been halfheartedly attempting to do or pull himself up and do what his friends had been begging him to do for years.

He’d almost chosen death.

But then he thought of his son, and if Ethan had chosen to be a shithead like his father, he would wind up hurting the kid just like his dad had him.  Ethan still had father issues—he knew that—but goddamned if he was going to do that to his kid.  No…he couldn’t.  He
wouldn’t
.  And at that moment, he pulled out his wallet and looked at the picture of Chris at six months old.  He remembered that day.  He and Val had taken Chris to a professional photographer.  They’d wanted it to be special.  So the kid was pictured sitting in a gorgeous nursery surrounded by stuffed animals, but it was really just a backdrop.  The only thing real was the furry rug his son sat on and the big stuffed panda bear next to him.  That damned thing had distracted the hell out of Chris, but Ethan and Val had finally managed to get their son to look at them and the camera and show a toothless grin.  That picture had made Ethan smile and nearly cry at the same time…and that’s when he’d decided to live for his son.

He was at last in a place where he thought he wouldn’t be
a harm to the kid, and he thought maybe he could also forgive his son’s mother for running to Brad.  When he’d first found out—thanks to Fully Automatic bassist Zane’s loose lips—that Val and Brad were together, he’d punched a hole in the drywall, something he was experienced at, but that was when he’d checked into rehab, determined to win her back.  By the time he got out, he knew he’d been gone too long.  Besides that, Val and Brad were living together by then.  He’d been so pissed, he was determined to make them regret it, and that was when he’d refused the divorce.

Now, though…he’d been humbled.  He’d had time in rehab to think, enough time to regret much of what he’d done, and once he was able to cool
off, he was able to see more rationally.  He gave Jenna a lot of that credit.  She’d helped him see things from a new perspective, and he was beginning to feel like he’d been born again.