Rock Bottom (Bullet) (20 page)

Chapter Twenty-nine

OH…SHE WAS going to miss that about Ethan.  He was hot, yes, but he was also a fantastic lover.  Jenna didn’t know that she’d ever been with someone who cared so much about her experience as much as his own.  And she was going to miss that part of him terribly.

Well, that wasn’t the only part she’d miss, but she had to stop thinking about it.  She knew her feelings for him had grown roots in her heart.

It didn’t change the fact that she had to end it, and it had to be like pulling off a Band-Aid—quick and as painless as possible.  If she ripped them apart now, they’d both survive.

Maybe.

She worried about Ethan, even without being a potential love interest who was about to dump him.

He sat up, zipping up his jeans while she felt around for her clothes.  She hadn’t seen a single car drive by
while they were getting down and dirty (not that she’d been paying attention) and for that she was grateful, but she couldn’t see anything in the dark.  She’d already found her jeans and t-shirt, but she was having to feel for everything else.  Her bra she found on the floor.  Ethan said, “I think I found your panties.”  He placed the tiny lacy things in her hand.  Yep, that was them, all right.  She got dressed in the dark without saying another word.

She wasn’t sure how Ethan knew she was done dressing, but when she
was
done, he opened his door on the passenger side and got out.  The dome light was almost blinding, but it went out as soon as he closed the door.  She waited for a few seconds to let her eyes readjust to the dark.  Then she reached for the handle and opened the door.  As she stepped out, she saw Ethan there next to the car.  The air outside, while warm, felt fresh.  She took in a deep breath and wondered why he was on this side of the car.

“Can we talk for a few minutes?”

“Sure.”  She looked around her and all was dark.  She didn’t know the last time she’d been out of the city at night.  She’d forgotten how brilliant the stars looked away from light pollution.  There were more dots of light than she’d remembered.  It was beautiful.

“Did I say something to piss you off?”

Oh, God. 
That
was going to make it harder.  “No.  Why?”

Ethan cleared his throat.  She could make out that he had turned to
ward her—she could
feel
it.  She couldn’t bear facing him, even if she wouldn’t be able to read his expression.  “You just felt…
cold
all of a sudden.”  He looked up at the stars where her eyes had gone.  There was no moon tonight.  “What did I do?”

She let out a slow breath.  Well, like it or not, no better time than the present.  She turned to him, leaning against the car.  “You didn’t
do
anything, Ethan.  I just…you and me?  We’re a bad idea.”  She didn’t want to tell him she thought he was just another in a long line of bad choices.  That wouldn’t make him feel good about himself, and she knew she had a fine line to walk.

Before she could say another word, he said, “What’s so bad about us?”

She let out a long, slow breath.  He wasn’t making this easy.  “Okay, I guess it’s not
us
.  It’s just
me
.”

His eyes were boring into the side of her head; she could sense it, and it made it that much harder.  Why did he have to question her?  Why couldn’t he just accept it?  “I need to understand
this, Jenna.  What is it about
you
?  Your answer better be good enough to scare my ass away…and I don’t scare easy.”

Her breath escaped her.  She could sense his strength, his power, and she knew he was without a doubt one of the most courageous souls she’d ever known.  That he’d continued living when he thought there was nothing left to live for, that he’d pressed on without hope…that took courage the likes of which she’d never known.  Yes, she was a fighter when given the choice between it and flight, but Ethan was a whole other level.  She swallowed, hoping he’d understand.  “I’m not trying to scare you, Ethan.  I just…don’t think we’re compatible.”

“Why?”

“It’s a feeling.”

“Wait a second.”  He stood in front of her, and even in the dark, she could see the outline of his features, catch the glint of his eyes.  “You told me about that son of a bitch who raped you.  Do you think I’d ever do that to you?  Ever?”

No, she didn’t think that.  Ethan didn’t seem that type.  She shook her head.  “No.”

“What about us feels incompatible?”

She gave it some thought.  It had been a quick, lame reason, something she’d said to try to get him off her back.  Instead, she went over everything she knew about Ethan and knew that the opposite was true.  He seemed to understand her in and out, and she felt like she understood him.  They both loved the same things—music, books, movies.  They’d both had rough childhoods and shaky adulthoods, but the two of them wanted something better.  So she gave a
nother lame answer, but it was all she could think of.  “You’re a guitar player for a metal band.  I’m a drug and alcohol counselor.  Our lives are completely different, Ethan.  It would never work.”

He didn’t hesitate.  “Bullshit.”

Her defenses were weakening, but she had to try again.  She had to protect herself.  “I saw what happened back there.  I am
not
putting myself in the middle of that.”

“What, Valerie’s overreaction?  Come on, Jenna.  You can do better than that.”

“Damn it, Ethan.  Stop arguing with me.”

“Then stop trying to break up with me for no good fucking reason.”

Before she could even protest, his lips were on hers, warm and demanding, and she melted into him.  She felt a tear drop from her eye, but she realized then that she was glad he wasn’t just going to let her walk away without a fight.

* * *

Jenna let the walls crumble over the following weeks and opened her heart to Ethan.  She didn’t know that she’d ever been this happy in her life, and she kept waiting for something bad to happen.  She couldn’t help feeling that way.  If she expected it, then she could prepare for it.

Summer faded into fall, quietly and with little notice, and things were still going well.  Her feelings for Ethan grew stronger every day.  She didn’t go with Ethan to pick up or drop off Chris again because she didn’t want to be put in an uncomfortable position again, but she spent time with them whenever Ethan invited her.

By October, she and Ethan rarely spent time apart.  If she wasn’t as his apartment, he was at hers.  They both discovered they had an intense love of Chinese food, especially Kung Pao Chicken.  They also shared a guilty pleasure—they loved anything
Jackass
, whether it was the movies or old TV series.

One thing Jenna had noticed, though, and it concerned her was the fact that Ethan had yet to pick up his guitar when she was around.  Maybe, she thought, he just played it and wrote in private.  Ethan tended to be guarded about a lot of things, so it wouldn’t have surprised her. 
When she asked about the band and his future in music, though, he was noncommittal and wouldn’t say much save giving her a blow off answer.  So she realized it was still a sensitive subject, and she didn’t want to push too hard.

Ethan grew quieter, though, as the weather grew colder, and by the time the first light snow fell in November, she was beginning to worry about him.  He was sleeping…
a lot
…and he’d lost interest in a lot of things, including sex.  The bedroom really was where they were most compatible, and so it was strange that he wasn’t kissing her or grabbing her or pulling her back to the bedroom while she giggled.  He never said
no
when she initiated it, but he wasn’t as eager as he’d been in the past.

Something was
wrong
.

Jenna called Ethan late one afternoon before she left the office.  She wanted to ask him if he wanted her to pick up some takeout and a DVD, but he wasn’t answering his phone.  The second time she tried calling, she went straight to voicemail.  That’s when she knew something was seriously wrong…and she hoped it wasn’t too late to fix whatever it was.

Chapter Thirty

THE WORLD WAS
dark.  It was cold and cruel, and it was a place Ethan didn’t want to inhabit anymore.

Sure, he’d hung on for a long time.  He’d held onto Chris and Jenna as reasons to stay and be part of it—he’d even tried clinging to the idea that his mother would be devastated
if something happened to him.  Really, though, he knew they would all be better off without him.  He didn’t want to cause them any more pain or heartache.

As far as his son went, Chris had Valerie, a mother who would do anything for him, and Brad, a stepfather beyond all others.  Brad had gladly assumed the role, and as pissed as it made Ethan sometimes, he knew his friend was doing an excellent job.  His son loved the guy.

Jenna?  As much as he loved her and wanted her, he knew she could do a thousand times better than him.  He was a fucking loser and no good for anybody.

Mom?
  She had a boyfriend who treated her like gold, so she didn’t need a son anymore.

And Ethan was just plain tired of the fucking struggle.  It wasn’t worth it any longer.

He’d written a letter to each of them—Chris, Jenna, his mother, Valerie, Brad, and even short notes to Zane and Nick—telling them he was sorry but asking them to understand.  If they loved him, they would…they’d at least try.

So he got out of bed at three that afternoon, before Jenna would come over.  She hadn’t noticed him sleeping later and later
, because he made sure he was out of bed and showered before she came by, and he was pretty sure he was doing a good job putting on a happy face.

But he was fucking miserable.

He’d called an old friend and set up a meeting.  Jenna called when he was walking up the stairs to that old friend’s place, so he set his phone to send all calls to voicemail.  He couldn’t bear talking to her.  He needed the resolve to see it through and that would be difficult if he had to talk to her.

When he had everything he needed, he left, thanking his friend by leaving him a tip for the stuff.  Ethan considered just
shooting up in the truck, but he didn’t want to do it out in public.  If someone caught him, he’d be just as likely to be arrested, and then he’d have no relief.  No.  He had to go home and do it there.  He’d have to lock his door too so Jenna wouldn’t come in.  She’d have to get the landlord to unlock the door or get the cops to bust the door down.  By then, it would be too late.  He apologized in the note for that too, because he knew she’d be the reason why he’d be found in the first place.  No one else gave enough of a shit.

As he started walking up the stairs to his place, he heard steps behind him.  “Ethan.”

Oh, fuck
no
.  It was Jenna.  Well, he’d never go through with it if she was around.

He couldn’t look at her.  “Go home, Jenna.”  He hoped his voice was as cold as he was trying to make it.

“No.”

She sounded serious, and he felt her hand on his arm.  “I said
go home
.”  He shook her arm off and continued trudging up the steps.  She didn’t say another word but continued following him.  Maybe if he ignored her, she’d take the hint and go away.

“Ethan…”  When he got to the top of the stairs, he kept walking toward his apartment.  He could hear her behind him, but she didn’t say anything else.  He pulled the keys out of his
pocket, careful to leave the sandwich bag of product there until she was gone, and slid the key into the lock.  “Ethan.”

This time he looked at her, hoping his eyes looked distant and angry.  Looking upon her beauty, he didn’t know that he could pull it off, but he had to try.  “Go the fuck home, Jenna.  I don’t want you here.”  He turned and walked into the apartment, pushing the door closed hard, but she wedged her boot against the door jamb and then came inside.

She grabbed his arm.  “Ethan, I know what you’re going through.  Now is the worst time to shut me out.”

Hearing that, his anger was genuine.  He kept his voice low and looked her in the eyes.  “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”

“You wanna bet?  Sit your ass down.”

His anger—and subsequent surprise—were preferable to the malaise he’d been feeling.  He took a deep breath and walked into the living room. 
Then he sat on the couch.  “You’ve got five minutes.”

Her eyes
looked to him as dangerous as his felt.  She rested the bottom of her boot on the cushion next to him, her hand on her knee.  “I’ll take as much fucking time as I need…and you’re gonna listen.”

Ethan took a slight breath and felt something strange that he hadn’t felt in a month or so…it was amusement. 
So he sat back and crossed his arms.  The anger was still there, though.  As much as he loved Jenna, he didn’t like hearing that people understood when they really didn’t.  He shrugged but said nothing.

She took a deep breath.  “What you’re experiencing is chronic depression.  I’ve seen it enough to know it.  Part of it might stem from the fact that you’re not taking all the drugs you have in the past.  Giving up addictions can do that.  But I get the feeling that’s not it.  What I know of you…it’s something you’ve suffered from most of your adult life; am I right?”

He felt his heart rate slowing.  He nodded.  “Yeah.”

“I’ve had bouts of depression too.  I’ve been on medication for them before.  What does Dr. Thomas have you taking?”

“I’m not taking anything.”

“
What?
  Have you not been honest with him?”

Fuck.  The jig was up.  He couldn’t make himself lie to her.  But he couldn’t look at her when he told her the truth either.  “I…
kinda stopped taking the medicine.”

She
moved over onto the couch next to him and took his hand in hers.  Her voice was gentler now.  “Why?”

He took another deep breath. 
“Because it wasn’t doing anything.  I…felt worse taking the medication.”

She was rubbing his thumb with hers.  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

He shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I just…didn’t feel like myself on that shit.”

“But you did on drugs?”

He looked at her.  “I could still write on drugs.  This shit, though?  I can’t do anything.”

“So we talk to Dr. Thomas about trying something else.
”  She waited until he looked her in the eyes.  “Okay?”

His mind retreated and reassessed.  He’d been here before with Val and Brad…more than once.  Like those times, he knew Jenna wouldn’t be happy until he agreed, and she wouldn’t leave him alone until then either.  Over the years, he’d become an expert in telling people what they wanted to hear, and he could be convincing when he needed to be.

So he looked up at her and said, “Okay.”  He took a deep breath but couldn’t find it in himself to say more.  It was bad enough that the one word he’d spoken felt like a lie.  He didn’t want to lie to the people he loved anymore, and yet he was beginning to feel he had no choice.

Jenna’s hand held his.  “Do you want me to make the appointment for you?”  He nodded.  He was good at going through the motions.  She nodded and kissed him on the cheek.  “Do you want some dinner?”

“No.”  He dug deep, ready for the next lie.  He had to put on that face that gave nothing away.  “I just want to go to bed.”

Jenna looked sad.  “You know that’s not healthy, right?”  Ethan said nothing.  What was he
supposed
to say to something like that?  “But…I know you’re in a bad spot right now.  Once we get you on the right meds, this will fade into the past.”  She squeezed his hand again.  God, she was a sweet woman, and he was dragging her through a pile of shit, just like he had Valerie.  If he were any kind of man, he’d tell her to
fuck off
, make her hate him forever so she’d leave and save herself the heartache he was bound to give her.  But he couldn’t quite do that anymore than he’d done to Val back then.  He just clenched his teeth together, unwilling to say another word.  “Do you want me to stay with you?”

No…fuck no.
  He couldn’t collapse into a haze of oblivion if she were there.  He shook his head.  “I really need time by myself.”

She bit the inside of her cheek.  “You don’t have to do this alone, Ethan.”

“I just need some time to myself.”  Said with more firmness, she took the hint.  She squeezed his hand again.

“Promise to call me if you need me?”

He nodded again.  He knew the best way to alleviate her fear and get her out of there was to walk her to the door.  He had to act like a normal guy.  So he went through the motions.  She promised to call the next day after she’d arranged an appointment with the psychiatrist, and he kissed her, holding her close.  He tried to relish the feel of her, because he suspected this might be the last time she’d willingly let Ethan Richards hold her.