Rock Bottom (Bullet) (23 page)

He shrugged, quiet for a few moments, as his gaze fell upon his son.  But then he looked back up at Valerie.  “I guess it’s because I finally hit rock bottom.  There was no hope, no future, and I was being swallowed by my addictions…and more.  I have a lot of mental shit going on that fueled a lot of it, and I’m just now becoming aware of it.”

Valerie’s expression softened.  “Depression?”

Ethan nodded.  “Jenna’s helped me see how it feeds into the destructive behavior I tend to lean to
ward, and I’m learning new ways of coping with it.”  He made sure he had her attention and he held his hand up, almost pinching his index finger and thumb together but leaving a little room in between.  “I’m
this
close to happiness, Val, something I’ve never been…
ever
.  And, whether she wants to admit it or not, Jenna is a big part of it.  I’m not a slave to the shit I took anymore.  I’m free, and now I just want to try to live a normal life.”  He looked over at Jenna and smiled.  “I know that doesn’t mean I’m on easy street now, but it
does
mean that I want to live, and I want to live a good life.”

Jenna could tell Val was trying to smile, but instead her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over the next time she blinked.  She frowned and said, “Sorry.”

Ethan stepped closer.  “You don’t need to be sorry, Val. 
I’m
sorry…I’m sorry for the hell I put you through.  I know I don’t even know half of what you went through, but I know you did it because you believed in me, and I let you down.”  He clenched his jaw but continued looking at Valerie.  Jenna was impressed—she hadn’t expected him to reach that point yet.  “I don’t do all the twelve step stuff, but I do think it’s a good thing to apologize for what I did when I was consumed by all that shit.  That goes for you too, Brad.  I don’t expect you guys to forgive me or trust me, but I hope I can prove myself over time.  I just ask that you let me see my son.  He’s the world to me.”

Val’s lip quivered and she blinked, and there went the tears.  Jenna felt herself growing emotional just watching.  Val wrapped her arms around Ethan
and said again, “I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize how hard it had been for you.  I was just feeling my own pain.”

Ethan held her and said, “Don’t say sorry, Val.  You don’t need to.”
  It was then that Jenna could tell that Ethan and Val still loved each other, and she felt her heart sink.  That meant she (and Brad) would always play second fiddle to them.  And that little tear she thought she’d reined in fell to her cheek and she closed her eyes, hoping to will the remainder of them away.

Chapter Thirty-four

JENNA DIDN’T SAY a word on the trip back to Ethan’s apartment, but Chris chatted enough for both of them.  Ethan wondered why Jenna was being so quiet.  Halfway home, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”
  She was looking out of the passenger window, staring at a concrete wall, and didn’t turn to face him.

“Jenna…”

“
Nothing.
”

“Bullshit.  You think I don’t know you well enough?”
  She didn’t say a word, so Ethan just drove.  When he saw the McDonald’s, he pulled over and drove into the parking lot.

“Why are we here?”

“Coffee for us, juice and French fries for Chris.”  Jenna raised her eyebrows but unbuckled her seatbelt.  They stood in line and ordered and less than five minutes later, Chris was in a high chair munching on a fry and Jenna was stirring cream into her coffee.  Ethan said, “We’re not leaving until you tell me what’s bothering you.  Did Val say something to upset you?”  He suspected he’d only heard part of their conversation, and God knew what Val might have said.  True or not, it would have been tainted with Val’s low opinion of him, and he just wanted to know what it was.

Jenna sucked in a slow breath, and then
she blinked a few times.  Why the hell was she ready to cry?  Why wouldn’t she talk to him?  “Hey,” he said, and got up to move to her side of the booth.

Chris watched him from the high chair at the end of the table.  When he sat down
again, Chris said, “Daddy.  Free-fry.”

Ethan smiled at his son.  Chris was holding out a limp fry, wanting to feed it to Ethan, so he leaned forward and opened his mouth, letting his son deposit the potato in his mouth.  “
Thanks, buddy.”  He tousled the hair on his smiling boy, and then turned his attention to Jenna.  He put his arm over her shoulders and pulled her close.  “What’s bothering you?  Talk to me.  You can be honest with me, Jenna.  I’ve been around the block a time or two.  Nothing you say will shock me, especially if Val said something nasty.  It’s okay.  I can take it.”

Jenna began sobbing in earnest then, and he decided maybe he just needed to let her get it out of her system.
  He looked back at his son and winked at the boy who decided he liked the little paper cup of ketchup and was dunking his index finger in it and licking his finger off, neglecting the fries.  After a few minutes, her sobs died down and she grabbed a napkin off the table to wipe the tears away.  She didn’t look at Ethan, but she said, “You still love her, don’t you?”

“Valerie?”  Jenna
nodded, her head back on his chest.  Again, it was time to be honest.  If he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman, he needed to be truthful with her.  And that hit him hard when he realized he
did
want to be with Jenna forever.  He inhaled and ran his hand down the back of her head over her silky hair.  “Part of me will always love her, Jenna.  She’s the mother of my child.  I was her first and the father of her child, and as much as she hates me, she probably still has feelings too.  But make no mistake—I don’t love her like a wife anymore.  It’s more a respect than love, I guess, and I do care about her.  She’s a beautiful human being.  I’m sure you don’t believe that, because you haven’t had the chance to see her like I see her.  But there’s a reason why we’re not together.  We would never work.  We’re not compatible.  And the fire’s gone.  The only feelings we have for each other now are based on history and our child.”

He kissed the top of her head.  “There’s another woman now.  She’s tough as nails and she’s helped me walk through the valley of death.  She’s helped me find a reason to live, and she loves me in spite of every bad thing I’ve ever done.  She’s stood behind me and helped me to understand why I’ve failed before and helped me to become someone better than I’d ever hoped.  That is the woman who now has my undying love.”

Jenna looked up at Ethan then, blinking back fresh tears.  She didn’t say anything, looked like she couldn’t speak, but she stroked his cheek with her hand.  Ethan said, “I want to spend forever with that woman…but I don’t know that I’m worthy, and I don’t know if she loves me the same way.”

She inhaled deeply then and sat up.  “Oh, I do, Ethan.  I love you with everything I am.  I think you’re the first man who ever really understood me.  I don’t want to be without you.”

“Then don’t.”  He kissed her then, a life-affirming kiss that she felt down to the depths of her soul.

Chris banged on
the table and said, “Jenna!  Free-fry!”

She opened her eyes and looked at the sweet little boy sitting at the end of the table, his mouth and tiny fist covered in ketchup.  He was holding out a fry towards Jenna, beaming with pride.  Ethan whispered, “Can you handle that?”

She winked at him and said, “Don’t mind if I do.”  She leaned toward Chris and said, “Bring it, little man,” then opened her mouth to receive his gift.  Ethan squeezed her shoulders, ready to begin his new life, eager to try on a little happiness for the first time.  He suspected he was going to enjoy it.

Epilogue

I’M LIVING PROOF that if you’re strong enough, you can survive.  It helps to have someone who loves you and believes in you, though, and there was something I didn’t tell Jenna that day in McDonald’s.  I told her later that Brad and I shook hands that day, vowing to get our band back together and do what we did best—make music.

I had worried that my creative juices were dried up, gone, believing that I could only experience inspirational revelation while under the influence.  It’s not true.  It was harder for me,
yeah, but not impossible.  Clarity in the long run actually improved my writing, particularly when it came to lyrics.  I read some of my newest stuff and actually think there might be a poet inside of me.

Yeah, Jenna and I are still together.  She really
is
my soulmate.  And Brad and Val gave Chris a cute little sister who looks an awful lot like him.  We haven’t told them that he’s going to have another sibling soon…but they’ll find out soon enough.

Peace out, my friends.  I don’t plan to give you any more laughable concerts where you all place bets on when I’m going to topple over, unable to get up.

But I don’t promise to not break another guitar in the moment of passion.  That shit’s just too fucking cool, and you guys eat it up.  That’s one of the things I live for.

Thanks for this second chance.  I won’t let you down.

For More Information

If you or someone you love suffers from mental illness, then you know it can be truly debilitating.  Mental illness strips sufferers from enjoyment of life, but it can also make it impossible for them to hold jobs, maintain relationships,
and it can even make people feel as though they no longer want to continue living.  In the United States, some folks tend to think mental illnesses aren’t as debilitating as physical diseases, but I’d like to argue that they’re wrong.  Having worked with people who have suffered from depression, anxiety, and social phobias, I can tell you folks burdened with these diseases often report that it’s harder sometimes to get help (or, at the very least, find understanding or empathy), because those are illnesses no one can
see
.  There is help, though.  People shouldn’t have to suffer in silence.  For more information, please check out these resources:

National Alliance on Mental Illness
– A mental health organization dedicated to helping those afflicted with mental illness to find the help they need.  They focus on research, advocacy, and raising awareness in the general population.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
– An organization dedicated to healing those who have lost loved ones to suicide, educating the public about why people choose to take their own lives, and finding ways to prevent it.

For many reasons, this is a topic near and dear to my heart.  If you suffer from mental illness, please don’t walk through the shadow alone.  There is help.

Other rock star books by Jade C. Jamison:

Tangled Web

Katie Logan has had a secret crush on her best friend Johnny Church since high school, but he’s never looked at her the same way. So when Johnny—now a famous rock-and-roll guitarist—comes home to visit, Katie can’t bring herself to tell him she’s engaged to be married. She should have, though, because she soon discovers that maybe the attraction is mutual…

Everything But

High school English teacher Erin Lancaster is stuck with the unwelcome job of filling in for the injured cheerleading coach, but she wants to back out when she discovers she has to be auctioned as a date during the annual spring fundraiser. She’s horrified to find her rock star crush Riley Schultz, former frontman of Spawn, will be playing emcee for the event, but she’s even more shocked that he also happens to be the highest bidder for her affections, and sparks fly when she discovers that maybe their attraction is mutual.

Riley’s been in the music business long enough to know that true love is not in the cards for him, but the cute blonde he’s dropped a wad of cash on would be a welcome distraction during his vacation. He has no idea there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Will one week together be enough for them to quell the flames, to enjoy everything but?

MADversary

They make sweet music together, but can it last?

Megan Walker doesn’t plan to attend her high school reunion, but her best friend Lisa begs her to come along. Megan doesn’t want to risk running into her old boyfriend Tyler Green, a man who has since become rich and famous as the
frontman of a heavy metal band called Madversary. Lisa convinces her that Tyler would never show up for something like a reunion, so Megan gives in, only to regret it. Because when Tyler does show up, the spark reignites, and she doesn’t know that she can bear letting him go again.

Then Kiss Me

Casey Williams has left a loveless marriage and is trying to rebuild her life. She finds that, even though you can never go home again, you can find lust again, and she finds a love interest in Scott, her coworker. She also discovers his secret, that he’s a drummer for a heavy metal band, and falls hard for him…just in time to find that, between his questionable friends and psychotic maybe-ex-girlfriend, he might not be the right guy for her. But her heart beats like a drum for him, and she finds herself willing to play with fire to get closer.