Rock Bottom (Bullet) (18 page)

“Yeah, it has, but I think I’m stronger for it.”  He meant that.

It was kind of funny.  Yes, he felt Val’s place in his heart, especially upon seeing her, but it was different.  He was starting to think it was love as the mother of his child and someone who had done some growing up with and beside him.  Jenna was still heavy in his thoughts.  She and Val were so different, except for one thing—they both believed in him.  Well, Val didn’t anymore, but she had at one time, even when others didn’t.  He understood now why she didn’t, and that was fine.  Jenna, though…she seemed tough enough to handle anything Ethan dealt out, but she wasn’t the type to take any shit.

Val smiled then, a big smile, the kind she used to have for him all the time.  Okay, not
all
the time, just all the time when things were sunny for them.  “That’s good, Ethan.  We’ve…been worried about you.”

He couldn’t help what was rising in his chest.  “Look…um…I’m really sorry I’ve been such an asshole.  I…uh…had to just kind of…accept where things were, and it was kind of a hard pill to swallow.”

Brad shifted then and said, “Ethan, man…I’m really sorry about that.  I—”

“No, bro…no.
  I don’t want to talk about it.”  No fucking touchy-feely
it’s okay
bullshit.  No.  Brad
should
be sorry about it, but it was over and done, and—as Ethan had reminded himself so many times before—his best friend and wife had seemed destined to be together.  He’d been the only thing stopping them all those years.  “I just wanted to apologize for refusing you the divorce and threatening to take Chris.  It was immature.”  His words were coming from a place of deep hurt, but he wasn’t going to say that.  “Anyway, I hope you can forgive me and move on.  I just want to be as big a part of Chris’s life as you’ll let me, and I feel like I’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for.”

Brad nodded and kept his lips pressed together.  Val blinked twice and then looked at Chris.  “You remember I told you who was coming today, right?”

Chris nodded and pointed at his dad.  “Daddy Ethan.”

Oh, fucking A.  That hurt like no knife in the chest ever would. 
Daddy Ethan?
  He figured out why…because certainly Uncle Brad was now known as
Daddy Brad
.  Fuck.  Oh, God, he hoped none of this shit was showing on his face.  There would be no fence mending if it did.  He breathed in through his nostrils and put on a smile for his son.  “Yeah, buddy.  Do you remember your daddy?”

“Daddy Ethan?”

Ethan nodded.  “Yeah.  Wanna come here?”

His son was hesitant, holding onto his mother.
  That too hurt, but Ethan was better able to understand.  The whole
Daddy Ethan
bullshit was something the kid had been taught, but Chris couldn’t help it if he didn’t remember his dad enough to want to jump into his arms.  Chris kept his eyes on Ethan, watchful.

“Uh…”  Ethan looked at Val.  “Maybe I should hang here for a while and see if he relaxes?”  As soon as he’d gotten the words out of his mouth, though, Chris held out his arms to
his dad.

That hit Ethan like a tsunami of emotion.  He felt a sting in his nose and wetness flooding his eyes.  The whole fucking world could wash away now, and he took that little miracle in his arms and pulled him close.  He had to close his eyes to stop himself from completely losing it.

But there it was—no judgment, no misgivings, just total love, and that’s when Ethan felt that he had a fighting chance in this life.

Chapter Twenty-six

JENNA LAY ON the couch in her living room Friday night.  She had a movie on, but she hadn’t been watching it…not
really
watching it.  She was instead thinking about Ethan, wondering how the visit with his son was going.

He hadn’t said much about it, but she could tell he was nervous.  He
’d even said something about making amends, and Jenna wondered if he was trying to go through the twelve steps that Alcoholic Anonymous encouraged its members to follow.  A lot of those suggestions were great for recovering addicts, but some folks just didn’t believe in a higher power, at least not in the
personal God
way, and—as a counselor—she wouldn’t let their beliefs (or lack thereof) stand in the way of their recovery.

Letting her mind wander further from Ethan for just a moment or so didn’t stop it from snapping back to him after a little bit. 
She felt almost aglow, her emotions for him were so strong.  Yeah, she’d felt that way before, and she knew it was stupid, but she hoped Ethan would be different.

That insecurity, though, that doubt, led Jenna’s thoughts backward, starting with her first
real boyfriend, a fresh-faced young man with the cutest cleft in his chin.  She’d been a sophomore in high school and he was a senior, and he’d managed to romance himself into her pants.  She hated sex then and wondered what the big deal was, even after getting used to it.  After feeling aroused by the guy over and over with no ultimate satisfaction, one night she touched herself.  It had been leading somewhere, to a place she’d wanted him to take her, so she kept it up until she discovered release.

She still didn’t get the big deal over sex.  If he couldn’t do it for her, why should she bother
with a relationship?  But he was a charming guy, and it wasn’t until his graduation that they both decided they should go their separate ways.  Afterwards, she had other boyfriends in high school, but no one worth remembering.

In college, there was a string of semi-boyfriends and a few flings, and she discovered she liked getting naked with guys.  Even without a
breathtaking orgasm, she was beginning to enjoy the sensation of having someone else touch her and try to make her feel good in her quest to do the same to him.  She found early on, though, that alcohol fueled several of those encounters, and it wasn’t until a couple of years later that the realization bothered her.  She’d come from a family of alcohol abusers—her dad a heavy drinker—and she didn’t want to become like them.  Her father was a great guy some of the time, but when he’d drink, he was a horrible human being, mean, nasty, and unloving…and he drank often.  Then Jenna’s older sister would step in and take over, because their mom would leave when their dad was in the middle of one of his drinking streaks.  Her sister would take over all the parenting duties, but she’d go overboard.  She’d miss school, saying Jenna and their little brother needed her.  What angered Jenna the most was how their dad would just let her sister do it.  Just another stupid mean thing the asshole had done.

When Jenna realized in college that she was possibly alcohol dependent just like dear old
mom and dad, she stopped partying and dug into school hard.  She changed her major to psychology and used her studies to try to help her understand why she and her family did what they did.  She went straight from commencement into grad school and decided she wanted to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  Just those last two years in college spent reading and learning about human behavior helped her get a handle on understanding why she and her entire family did the things they did.  Addictions, she found, didn’t just affect the addicted person.  Those addictions often made the entire family behave in unhealthy ways and different members would often take on roles that helped the family survive.  Outsiders would never get how those things worked.

Being away at school, though, and determined to make a solid life for
herself, Jenna for the first time was able to look objectively at her life, her family, and her own person.  She didn’t date during the last two years of school, afraid that she wasn’t ready.  Knowing the type of dependent personality she’d developed, she was committed to changing herself.  It all started with knowledge, and she had gained it in spades.

That’s not to say she didn’t have sex.  She just didn’t commit and certainly didn’t want a messy relationship.  She had to get to know herself first and learn new behaviors that weren’t just coping skills.  She needed to grow strong for real.

By the time she was in grad school, she thought she was ready, thought she could handle a relationship, and believed she was strong enough.  She dated a couple of guys and discovered immediately that she had a knack for picking the worst guys.  It was like she was drawn to them.  And then Donald, the boyfriend from hell…man, that guy had her fooled.  He was a charming guy at first.  So sweet, doting, caring, and thoughtful.  Once she was under his spell, that’s when he started making her feel worthless.  Really, his last blow—sexually abusing her—was just another form of making her feel like shit, but it was enough to wake her up.  And it had.  But by then Jenna could see the pattern…that she chose bad boys every single time, and they really were bad.  They weren’t good for her, and it would be better to live alone than to succumb to that kind of relationship again.  It wasn’t healthy, and Jenna often wondered if she were really “cured” of anything.

And then she knew…Ethan had to be just like the others. 
Had to be.  He just hadn’t shown his true colors yet.  Being aware, though, was half the battle.  She’d just have to find a way to remove herself from the relationship before it was too late.

* * *

Ethan looked down at his son’s placid face early Sunday morning.  Chris was still asleep, having completely worn himself out the day before.  Ethan wasn’t sure what to do with his son at first, so they’d gone to the park on Friday and spent several hours there.  He was proud of himself, too, because he’d remembered sunscreen.  It was still pretty hot out, though, so they went to McDonald’s after and ate some lunch, but then Chris wanted to go hang out in the play area there as well.  Ethan thought it was just as well, because he didn’t have anything at home to entertain his son.

After they’d left, Ethan decided to pick up
an Xbox 360 and some games.  He knew a lot of the games would be too advanced for Chris, but he’d seen other kids play videogames, and it was like they’d been born with a controller in their hands.  When they pulled into the parking lot at Walmart, he saw that Chris was fast asleep in the seat.  That’s when he realized he’d forgotten about naptime.  He ran to the toy aisles and grabbed a bunch of Mega Bloks too in case Chris wasn’t into games, and then he stopped by the electronics department to grab kid-friendly DVDs.

Chris fell back asleep in the shopping cart, and Ethan realized he also hadn’t planned ahead for kid food at the house, so he went to the food side of the store and picked up juice, cereal, macaroni and cheese,
fish sticks, Oreos, and other stuff he thought his son might enjoy eating.  On Saturday, they just played videogames until Chris got completely bored, and then Ethan opened the Mega Bloks.  The kid played and played and played…and Ethan was wrecked when Chris simply called him
Daddy
…no
Ethan
after it.

After dinner, they sat together on the couch and watched a Disney movie.  Ethan started feeling bored and spotted one of his guitars in the corner.  He hadn’t touched it in months…but there she was, his Little Red Beauty, and she was calling his name, singing to him.  He swallowed.  He wanted to touch her, make music with her, and the urge was strong…stronger than it had been in months.  His son was there, though, and he didn’t want to miss a moment with him.

But when the movie was over, Ethan had asked if Chris wanted to watch Daddy make music.  He said he did, so Ethan took the guitar out of the stand and played.  It was tinny, because he didn’t want to plug it into an amp, but Chris was fascinated.  He wanted to touch the strings and try to play himself, so Ethan picked him up in his lap, and they “played” the instrument together.  His son’s green eyes lit up as he touched the vibrating strings.

“Like Daddy Brad’s.”

“The guitar?”

“Yeah.
  Daddy Brad has black guitar.”

“Do you want a guitar?”

Chris nodded.  “Red.”  He smiled and Ethan smiled back.

Now, on this lovely Sunday morning, Ethan sat on the side of his bed, gazing upon his beautiful son.  His hair was a light brown, close to Valerie’s hair color, but his eyes looked just like Ethan’s.  Ethan didn’t care anymore if anyone accepted him, loved him,
forgave him.  All the redemption he’d needed came from the little boy who was soundly asleep.

He was feeling sad, though, because he had to take him back today.  Val had said
seven o’clock—an hour before his bedtime—was fine.  Ethan was pretty sure she understood how important the visit was to him, even though she’d said, “If you have any problems or want to bring him back early, here’s my cell number.”

No…he instead wanted to call and ask if he could keep him the rest of the week.  But he knew that was unrealistic.  Chris needed stability
, and Val could provide it better than Ethan could.  Besides, during the upcoming week, Ethan had Soaring Free and two appointments—one with the psychiatrist and one with the psychologist.

When Chris got up, they ate a late breakfast/early lunch and then played until around
three o’clock, and Ethan decided that he wanted to introduce his son to the woman who now consumed his thoughts when Chris wasn’t around.  He hadn’t seen her since Thursday, and he missed her, ached for her.  They hadn’t been together long but, for some reason, she felt right.

Chris was building yet another castle with the colorful plastic blocks while another Disney movie played in the background, and Ethan called Jenna.

She didn’t answer her phone until the third ring.  “Hey, Ethan.”  Her voice…so sweet.  He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed her until she spoke.

“Jenna.  How are you?”

“I’m okay.”

She sounded distant. 
“Anything wrong?”

She was quiet for a few seconds and then said, “No. 
Just…  No, I’m okay.”  He heard her take in a breath.  “How was the visit with your son?”

“Still happening.
  And, uh…that’s why I was calling.  I want you to meet him.  I was thinking—”

“Oh, no, Ethan.
  I don’t want to take away your time together.”

“No…this would mean so much to me.  I want you to meet each other, because you’re the two most important people in my life.”  Ethan looked over at Chris.  His son was talking to
himself while he played.  “He is without a doubt the best thing I’ve ever done in my life, the one thing I didn’t fuck up.”  He smiled.  “So what do you say?  I’d love to pick you up, and we can all go to dinner.  Then I need to take him home to his mother.”

He could hear the hesitation in Jenna’s voice.  “Uh…”

“We won’t be at Val’s long.  I promise.”

After a few seconds, she said, “Yeah, okay.  Sure.”

He could tell she was feeling a little odd about it, but he was sure once she met Chris, she’d be glad she came along, so they made plans, and Ethan said he’d pick her up in a couple of hours.  In the meantime, though, he was going to get on the floor and play blocks with his son one more time.