Rock Bottom (Bullet) (19 page)

Chapter Twenty-seven

DINNER HAD BEEN pleasant enough.  Chris was one of the cutest kids Jenna had ever seen.  He had Ethan’s eyes, nose, lips, and chin, and she wondered if the kid had any of his mother’s traits.  He looked a lot like his dad, with one exception—the reddish tint in Ethan’s hair wasn’t evident in his son’s hair at all.  His disposition was different too.  The child was happy and all smiles, whereas Ethan was introspective a lot and somber sometimes, although Jenna had seen him coming out from under that cloud more of late.

When they left the restaurant, Jenna felt herself tense up again.  Yeah, Ethan was right about one thing—she felt nervous about having to meet his
ex.  More than that, though, she knew she was beginning to fall hard for him, but she’d already decided to back off, and here he was making it difficult for her.  Well, she knew he needed her support, especially right now.  This moment in time had to be hard on him, and she was going to stand by him as he walked through it.  That didn’t mean she had to be with him forever.

She took a deep breath and looked out the passenger window as they drove down 6th Avenue.  It hurt already, the realization that she was going to have to let Ethan go.
  She had begun to harbor feelings for him that were making it hard for her to do what she needed to do, but she knew it would be easier for both of them to do it now rather than wait until later.  The longer she waited, the harder it would be.

So they just listened to the radio in silence, but Chris would talk once in a while
, and when he did, Ethan would turn the music down low.  He finally kept the volume lower so he wouldn’t have to keep adjusting it.  Jenna smiled, letting him know that was fine with her.

After a while, Ethan pulled the car in front of a white one-story house in a quiet neighborhood.  He shut off the engine and Jenna felt relief.  The radio station had been playing Bullet for My Valentine’s “Tears Don’t Fall
, Pt. 2,” and it felt like a statement directed at her…like she didn’t care, hadn’t listened to Ethan.

She clenched her jaw, knowing it was just her own guilty conscience, and then she forced a smile on her face and looked over at Ethan. 
She got out of the car and joined him on the other side.  Ethan already had the back passenger door open on his side and was unstrapping Chris from his car seat.  “Can I help with anything?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind.
  I’ll get his diaper bag out of the trunk, but you could get the car seat.  You just unbuckle it and—”

“Got it.”
  She’d never been a mom, but she knew how car seats worked.  When she was working on her CAC certification, she interned in a Child Protection office, and one of the things she did was go with caseworkers when they had to transport kids.  The car seats were a staple, so she’d had plenty of experience with them.  She also had plenty of time observing what the caseworkers had to deal with and knew she didn’t want to use her degree to work for Social Services.  The things they had to deal with were heartbreaking, and she had enough baggage from her own childhood.  She knew she wouldn’t be helpful to those children while reliving her own youth.

She didn’t realize Ethan had been waiting for her until she pulled the seat out of the car and closed the door, turning around.  Both of them walked up the sidewalk
together toward the house.  Chris was getting drowsy.  Jenna could tell, because his eyelids were getting droopy.

Before they made it to the steps, a tall man opened the door.  Jenna recognized him as the other guitarist and vocalist of Fully Automatic
, Brad Payne.  From everything she’d read and heard over the years, Brad was the driving force behind the band, and knowing what she knew of Ethan, she could believe it.  The way Ethan had told it, Ethan himself was often present in body only, not just for shows and recording sessions but every waking moment.  Jenna couldn’t imagine functioning that way, and yet she knew so many people did.

Brad smiled and aske
d, “Was he good for you?”  He got close to Jenna and as an aside said, “Here, I can take that.”

As Jenna handed the car seat
to Brad, Ethan said, “Yeah, but I didn’t expect otherwise.”

Brad nodded.  “He’s a great kid.”  He leaned over and grinned at Chris.  “But you know that, don’t you,
buddy?”  He touched him on the nose with his index finger and then turned around, setting the car seat on the porch.

“
Brad, this is Jenna McCormick.  She’s a drug and alcohol counselor,” he said and then looked at her out of the corner of his eye and added, “and my girlfriend.”

Jenna considered protesting. 
Lovers
might have been a good term or even saying they were
dating
might have been appropriate, but
girlfriend
?  That seemed a little rushed…and yet a small part of her liked how that word felt.

No.
  No, she couldn’t go there.  She’d already promised herself.

Brad nodded. 
“Nice to meet you.”  He shoved his hands in his jeans.  “Ethan’s like a brother to me.”

She smiled, unable to help herself.  Brad had a charisma that made her
feel instantly relaxed, like they’d known each other for years.  “He’s said the same about you.”

A striking woman walked out of the house then.  She was about Jenna’s height with long brown hair, but it was her visible tattoos and piercings that caught Jenna’s eye.  This had to be Valerie.  She was beautiful, and now Jenna could
tell which features of hers Chris had inherited.  Her influence on his looks was more subtle than Ethan’s, but she was clearly this child’s mother.  Like Brad, Jenna could sense her presence before she even said a word.  Chris said, “Mama.”

Valerie flashed a white smile. 
“My baby!  How are you, baby boy?”

Chris reached for her
, and she pulled him into her arms.  She closed her eyes and pressed him into her, tousling his hair before kissing him on the cheek.  “Did you have fun with Daddy Ethan?”

“Yes.”

Jenna thought that was strange—why not just
daddy
?  She tried not to be obvious when she looked over at Ethan.  He was taking that odd address with amazing calmness.  “Uh, I was wanting to ask about that…to see when I can have him again.  Could we maybe work something out
before
all the legal paperwork gets done?”

“Uh, yeah.
  Can I talk to you about that in private?”

Jenna didn’t think that sounded good. 
Great.  He was going to get a hell of a blow.  There was no way she was going to be able to call off their relationship tonight.  Ethan was still fragile, and she knew he could only deal with one setback at a time. 
Shit.
  Well, that’s what happened when you let your hormones rule your head.

Again, though, when she looked over at Ethan, he was cool.  He was maintaining it.  She was impressed.

She thought it was pretty rude that this woman didn’t even acknowledge her, though.  What a bitch.  Maybe there was more to their relationship than Ethan had ever let on.  Well, good riddance for Ethan.  And the poor kid.

But her degree in psychology made her drop the defensive stance her mind had taken.  She knew what it was like to deal with addictive personalities enmeshed in your life.  His ex was probably so tuned in to what she had to do, she hadn’t given Jenna two thoughts.  She couldn’t take it personally, and that
didn’t make his ex a bitch.

“Yeah, sure,” Ethan replied.

Valerie’s blue-green eyes met Jenna’s when she said, “Please excuse us for a moment.”  Well, that was better than nothing.  Valerie handed Chris over to Brad, then pulled Ethan by the upper arm to lead him to the side of the house.  Jenna thought that was another odd move.  Why not just invite him in the house where they could talk behind a closed door?  She was sure the woman had her reasons, again probably having to do with being burned in the past, but she thought it was strange.  Ethan had been the epitome of good behavior.  Once more, though, Jenna realized that could have been a pattern Valerie was familiar with.  It reminded her that she really hadn’t known Ethan very long and therefore didn’t necessarily have the best judgment.

Watching them walk to the side of the house, though, she felt more than awkward, standing next to a guy she didn’t even know and a toddler she barely knew
any more than that.  She knew the smile on her face was weak, but she waved and gave a halfhearted smile.  “Uh, nice to meet you.”  She nodded toward the street.  “I’m, uh…just gonna go head back to the car.”  Chris looked at her, so she said, “Nice to meet you, Chris.”

She turned around and made her way toward the white car Ethan had parked at the curb.  The sun had gone down a while ago and dusk had descended slowly, but the sky was dark blue, almost black, and Jenna knew she’d be able to see a star or two soon.

She hoped, almost prayed, that Valerie was going easy on Ethan.  She’d understand if the woman wasn’t, but it worried her.  Ethan was stronger than anyone would ever believe, but Jenna knew he was vulnerable when it came to his ex and his child.  She didn’t want to see his progress set back.  She could help him through it, though…as his
counselor
, not his
girlfriend
.  Yeah, and what had
that
been all about?  It was as she had warned him before, that his need for counseling had made him overly dependent upon her, and she should have known better.  She
had
known better and had done it anyway. 
Stupid.

When Ethan and Valerie walked back out, though, Ethan said a civil
goodbye
to them and gave Chris a kiss on the forehead before walking back to the car.  He seemed okay, and Jenna breathed a sigh of relief.

He got in the car and waved to them
the three of them again.  “Ready?” he asked Jenna.

She nodded and buckled her
seatbelt, but it wasn’t until they were on the road that she noticed Ethan was
not
okay…not by a long shot.

Chapter Twenty-eight

ETHAN’S WORLD WAS was red.  Pure blood red.  He couldn’t even think straight.

Goddammit
, he was pissed at Valerie.  The fucking nerve.  Yeah, he was thrilled that she was as good a mom as ever, but he couldn’t believe the words that had come out of her mouth.

Her voice had been low, but she’d looked like a rattlesnake ready to strike.  “I can’t believe you had the gall to bring one of your heroin whores to
my
house…and you had her around my son.  You asshole.  You haven’t changed a bit.”

How he’d kept his cool, he’d never know. 
“Whoa, Val.  You got it all wrong.”

“
Do I?
”  She arched her eyebrows in disbelief, something he’d seen her do hundreds of times before.

“Yeah, Miss Perfect.  If you’d given me one fucking second to introduce you
to her, you’d
know
that Jenna is my goddamned drug and alcohol
counselor
.  She’s not a fucking junkie.  Does she even
look
like a junkie to you?”

The look on her face was classic.  It almost made up for the fact that she couldn’t accept that he’d actually made it out of the hole he’d been in.
  Her nostrils quit flaring, and even though it was almost all the way dark outside, Ethan thought he could see a bit of a blush wash over her cheeks.  “
Oh.
  Oh, God, Ethan.  I’m really sorry.”

It was childish, he knew, but it was the first time since he and Valerie had gotten together that he had a legitimate reason to be smug.  “Well, it’s a little late.  I get it, Val.  I get it.  It’s not going to be easy to trust me.  I understand that.  But when I’m standing right in front of you and you can
see
the changes I’ve made, why can’t you accept them?  Can you just
once
give me the benefit of the doubt?”  He felt a cold chill descend over his heart.  “Or do I just need to expect this kind of reaction from now on?  Do I need to give you a full report every fucking time I see you?”  He felt his blood pressure rising, more because he was containing himself.  He wanted to explode and yell at her, but he knew that would accomplish nothing.  He’d look like a bastard to Jenna, and he’d probably scare Chris.  That would undo all the bonding they’d done over the past three days.  And Brad…well, Brad would rush right over to play shining white knight to Val just like he always had…even though this time she was completely in the wrong.

But he was good at keeping it in.  He had no idea how many times as a kid he’d had to mask fear from his father.  He could contain his anger, but he knew one thing.  It was
gonna blow soon, and he had to get out of there.

So when he got in the car, he just drove.  Part of him was reliving those moments, thinking of what he should have said instead, wondering if he’d handled it okay, hoping Val wouldn’t use any of it as an excuse to refuse him the right to see his son again.  The rest of him was just trying to process the raw emotion chaffing at his insides.

And he drove like that for miles and miles and miles, and it wasn’t until he heard Jenna say his name and touch his shoulder that he realized they were far outside the Denver Metro area.  They were somewhere west in the low-lying foothills, but beyond that, he had no recollection of how he’d gotten them there.  Jenna wasn’t just saying his name, though.  She was screaming at him, panicking, and he was slamming on the brake before he realized why.

He was speeding, going close to ninety miles an hour, and on this wind
ing road, that was a bad idea.  His driving had scared her.

Well, so would the way the car was spinning around
now.  The car didn’t like the way he’d braked, and it turned one hundred eighty degrees before finally stopping in the middle of the road across the double yellow lines.  Ethan noticed he was breathing hard, as though he’d been running for miles.  As he got his bearings, he felt relief that no other car was coming, or they would have been in bad shape.

Once the car stopped, he inhaled sharply and knew he had to get
it out of the way fast before another vehicle did come down the highway.  He pulled to the side of the road.  He looked over at Jenna.  She looked a little scared, so he took her face in his hands.  He had so much inside, so much he wanted to say, but he’d bottled so many things up for so long, he didn’t know how to talk about them.  Honestly, he wouldn’t be able to talk about tonight anyway, not until he had a chance to process those feelings.  He’d been getting better about it of late, but this was fresh, raw…and he couldn’t put his emotions into words.

This woman, though…she was beautiful inside and out, and just looking at her reminded him that there was hope.  He was starting to feel something for her, something he thought he might want to embrace and never let go of.  The light of the dashboard shone on the side of her face
, and he thought he could see in her eyes the surge of passion he felt in himself.  It was aggressive when he pressed his lips into hers with brute force.  She responded, though, and he felt her tongue clashing with his.  He knew then that he had to have her that very moment.

He was afraid she wouldn’t have any of it, though, but he had to try.  There would be no room up front in the bucket seats to warm her up to the idea.  He broke away from their kiss. 
“Back seat?”

He saw a flicker of hesitation in her eyes, but then she turned around and opened the passenger door.  He turned off the ignition and got out his door, then opened the back door and climbed inside.  Jenna almost attacked him with her mouth.  God, he was glad she was feeling the same way he was.
  He didn’t want to wait and got the idea she felt the same way, so he placed his hands on her waist, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and pulling it up.  She took it in her hands and got it up her torso faster than he could.  It was dark in the car, but he knew her bare skin was right in front of him.  He moved his face into that space and found the flesh below the hollow in her neck, above her cleavage and kissed there but moved lower, licking and devouring the flesh.  He heard her exhale as she shoved her fingers into his hair.  He loved how she did that…such a turn on.  She pulled his face up to hers and kissed him hard while he felt around her back and undid the clasps on her bra.

He was beginning to feel focus again as the blood rush
ed from his head and his extremities straight into his cock, along with the anger and rage that he’d succumbed to.  He still wasn’t completely in control of his emotions or even his thoughts, but he felt more clarity as he made Jenna his focus.  He slid her bra down her arms and took one of her nipples in his mouth as she sighed and leaned her head back against the window.

Jesus…he wanted her badly.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d needed one particular woman so much.
  He felt like he could devour her.  And it was like he blacked out again, because the next thing he knew, he heard her reminding him to put a condom on.  She had his dick in her hands.  Goddamn, was he hard and in need of release, and why couldn’t he remember getting to that point?  She was completely naked underneath him now, and he was poised to penetrate her.  He took a deep breath and blinked.  He was still wearing his jeans, although they were hanging halfway down his legs.  He reached for his wallet, hoping he had a condom in there.  Since his first date with Jenna, he’d been carrying one or two at a time, but he couldn’t think straight now at all, didn’t know if his memory was trustworthy.

He fished out his wallet and balanced himself on his knee, and she pulled his head so she could meet his lips with hers.  God, this woman was so sweet, so in tune to him, he couldn’t feel any closer to anyone.  It was as though she could read his mind, like she knew which way he was going to move or what he was going to say, because in that moment he had wanted to taste her again, and she simply obliged.

Condom on, he plunged inside her and she gasped.  Her fingers curved into his neck, her nails digging into the flesh.  It felt like fire, burning hot.  He couldn’t see her eyes in the dark, but he imagined them black, full of passion, her red hair flowing around her pale face, her lips red with desire.  He kissed her again, but she only half kissed him back, so he knew she was close.  He forced himself to slow down, get his bearings, because the adrenaline was still coursing through his body, shadowing his brain.

He changed his angle to adjust to the way she was tilting her pelvis, tried to make sure he was hitting her sweet spot.  She sucked in a deep breath of air and then let out a low groan.
  Her thighs clenched around him and she moaned again.  She cut loose then and a few seconds later, he knew it would be okay for him to let go.  Those few brief seconds of pure ecstasy, followed by a calm that would wash over him, were one of few moments in his life where none of the bullshit mattered.

He rested his head on the glass in the passenger window.  Without the air conditioning on, the car had become stuffy fast…and it smelled like sex.  That part didn’t bother him.  What
did
bother him was the feeling that something was wrong…and in his previous state, he hadn’t sensed it.  He was certain things were amiss when they redressed in complete silence.  Things just didn’t feel right.