Rocked with Passion (A New Adult Rockstar Novel)

As I stared at the letter in my hand, memories came flooding back to me. Memories I hadn’t thought about in years. The words on the page slowly blurred as I went back ten years
to the last time I saw Jonathan, to when I was still a girl of fifteen.

I was in the prime of my teenage years. Hormones ra
ged through my body, making me feel new things I had never felt before. Sometimes I would find the slightest graze of my skin by a soft blouse, or the feeling of my panties running up my legs in the morning sent my body crazy. I knew I’d hit puberty, of course, and while all the sex ed classes in school said it was normal, it still felt weird, and different. I guess all the other girls must have felt the same way, but of course, we never spoke about it.

As I was coming to grips with these new emotions, these new feelings coming from my body, I also found that I looked at men a little bit differently. Well, one man in particular, anyway.
Jonathan Knight was my best friend Sally’s older brother. Sally and I had grown up together. Sally and Sara. We were inseparable, and while I’d always thought her older brother was nice to me, I’d never really looked at him as anything other than my best friend’s brother until I turned fourteen.

That was when I noticed him, not simply as a twenty one year old, the brother of my best friend,
but also as a man. A man with gorgeous, wavy brown hair, a smile that could make a glacier melt and abs harder than steel. From then on, every time he spoke to me, my heart raced. I thought about him at night before I went to sleep. In class, I would doodle “Sara Knight” in the margin of my notes, smiling as I looked at the name I hoped to once carry.

It was stupid, of course, but Jonathan was the only member of the opposite sex that made me feel like I was a real person when I was in high school.
After all, while Sally was tall, blonde and leggy, I was a completely average five foot four inches, a little bit on the chubby side, with curly chestnut hair. While Sally had hordes of boys asking her out to every dance, I made excuses as to why I couldn’t go. In reality, I thought I looked terrible in every single dress.

“Don’t worry Sara, it’s just your baby fat, you’ll grow into your body” my mom would tell me when she dragged me clothes shopping and I complained that every single outfit made me look either pregnant or like a
n elephant, or in some cases, both.

“You’ve been telling me that since I was nine years old mom, let’s face it, I’m not growing out of this” I would tell her, throwing the clothes to the corner of the change room and burying my face in my hands.
Of course I didn’t get invited to dances, none of the boys wanted to dance with a girl that weighed more than they did.

But Jonathan, Jonathan was the exception.
The way he looked at me, the kindness with which he treated me... he treated me like I was
there
. He treated me like I
existed
, like I
mattered
and that meant more to me than anything in the world. In fact, I eventually came to realize that he would even occasionally flirt with me.

“That skirt looks good on you Sara” he would comment as he walked into the kitchen to grab some milk.
Invariably, a blush would rise in my face, I’d mumble some incoherent reply and he’d grin at me before going back up to his room, Sally glaring at him as he went past. I had to be honest, sometimes I’d get more excited about seeing Jonathan when I went to Sally’s than I was about seeing Sally herself.

Nothing ever really happened between us, of course.
I dreamed about Jonathan every night, every day. He filled my thoughts. I was a teenage girl, and completely in love. It didn’t matter to me that he was six years older, which at the time of course was an eternity. All that mattered was that Jonathan Knight was the nicest, sexiest person I knew, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

One day, on the way back from school, a few of the boys on the football team made elephant noises as I walked by.
I ignored them, but their jeers only got louder. By the time I reached the end of the street, I was crying. I immediately made for Sally’s house, which was much closer to the school than my own,  but she’d gone out with her boyfriend of the month. Instead, it was Jonathan who found me in their kitchen, tears streaming down my face.

“Sara, what’s the matter?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me.
It was the first time Jonathan had touched me, and it felt good. He was strong, confident, with the comforting touch I hoped my first boyfriend would have. I couldn’t help it, I told Jonathan everything. I bawled into his shoulder as he listened, making compassionate noises every now and again but never interrupting. When I was finished, he looked me in the eye.

“I don’t want you to ever think you’re fat, Sara. You’re a gorgeous girl, and I don’t want you to worry about anything.
I’ll make sure the boys from the football team never bother you again.”

I don’t know what he did, but sure enough, I never heard another peep f
rom any of my former tormenters. I was always thankful for Jonathan’s kind ear, and for whatever he did to stop those boys in the future.

I think slowly but surely, Jonathan started to understand what I felt for him.
I suspected Sally told him, since she saw the way I looked at her brother, and I knew she wasn’t happy with it.

“Jonathan isn’t boyfriend material” she would tell me.

“Why not?” I would protest.

“Well for one thing, he’s my brother. How would you feel if I dated your brother?”

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t care. But my brother’s eight, so it would probably be a bit weird.”

“You know what I mean. It’s icky for me. Plus, there’s his band.”

“What? So? Jonathan’s in a rock band. If anything, that only makes him more awesome.”

“You know what guys in bands are like. They always have groupies, they don’t have steady girlfriends.
Plus, he’s too old for you.”

Eventually I dropped the subject.
But I didn’t drop my love for Jonathan. Not a chance in the world. Still, I was a shy girl. Because of my experiences with most of the boys my age, there wouldn’t have been a chance that I would have gone up to Jonathan and asked him out on a date. No, I was going to have to enjoy my love from afar, revel in the small compliments he gave me from time to time.

Then, when I was fifteen, Sally told me
Jonathan was moving.

“What?
Where?”

“Los Angeles. The band is going to try and make it big.”

I felt numb. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Jonathan was the lead singer of a local band, Knight Blindness, comprised of himself and two friends. They’d originally started the band in high school, for fun, and now apparently wanted to hit the big time.

“When is he leaving?” I managed to sputter out. My mouth felt dry,
my head felt hot. I had never felt anything like this before. It was like a combination of shock and sadness.

“In about a month.
They’re trying to get a lease sorted before they get there, so they’ll be here for a bit still.”

Of course, all this happened in
June, just before final exams and the finals tournament for the local soccer team I still played on. Being as busy as I was, I didn’t actually get to see Jonathan again until his going away party.

It felt strange, going into Sally’s house and se
eing streamers everywhere, people milling around with drinks in one hand and food in the other. They all seemed so cheerful, so happy, and yet I felt like crawling into a hole and dying. How was I going to survive here without Jonathan? Despite the fact that we never had a relationship, I still felt like he was my rock. He made me feel like a real, sexy woman. No one else did that for me. I loved him, with all my heart, and now he was leaving.

I put a fake smile on my face, grabbed some food and went to find some people to talk to.
I hung out with Sally most of the night, then when Jonathan made an appearance, I went over to say goodbye.

“So you’re really leaving, huh?”
I asked. It was awkward, and I knew he’d been asked that question probably close to a thousand times by now, but I just didn’t know what else to say.

“I certainly am. Have to go make it big in Hollywood.”

“I’m happy for you, I really am” I told him, and I tried to look like I meant it. I did mean it, of course. I wanted Jonathan to be successful, I was just sad that he couldn’t do it in Ohio. I was sad that he couldn’t do it with me.

Just as he looked like he was going to say something else, Jonathan was pulled away from me by his father, who insisted on making a toast, crazed cheers of congratulations coming from the crowd.
After all, we lived in a small town in Ohio. It wasn’t every day that one of the locals moved further away than Cleveland or maybe Cincinnati to find themselves a future.

As the night
wore on, the crowd in the Knight household began to thin. Eventually even Sally and Jonathan’s parents had gone to bed, Sally had ventured off into another room, and Jonathan and I found ourselves alone.

“Hey, Sara, why don’t we go for a drive?”
Jonathan asked me, and I nodded. I wanted to cherish every last second I was going to spend with Jonathan, since I didn’t know if I was ever going to see him again after tonight.

I got into Jonathan’s truck, an old clunker he bought off a friend’s father for five hundred bucks. Sometimes I wondered how it even managed to turn on in the mornings, but Jonathan had it for two years now and while inconsistent at times, the truck always eventually started.

Tonight the engine roared to life no problems. Climbing into the passenger seat, I watched as Jonathan drove us along the back roads of the city, towards the lake. I was silent, enjoying the moment, enjoying being with Jonathan while we drove.

Eventually we arrived at the lake and Jonathan turned off the car. The full moon was out, the faint blue light illuminating the lake just enough to make out the light ripples in the water. The thought flittered in my mind that this was actually an incredibly romantic setting, but I refused to allow myself to admit that this was why Jonathan had brought me here. The thought of it was absurd.

Finally, Jonathan broke the silence.

“You know, Sara, I do care about you.” I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed silent.
I looked away, down at my shoes, as Jonathan turned towards me. Two fingers gently touched my chin; they were like velvet against my skin. Gently, but firmly, he moved my chin up to look at me.

“Sara, you’re beautiful. I wanted you to know that before I left. You’re the most beautiful girl I know.”

I don’t know what possessed me; I don’t know what overtook me. What I do know is that I leaned in suddenly and kissed Jonathan Knight on the mouth. Heat spread through me as my lips locked with his, and to my surprise, Jonathan didn’t pull away. He leaned into the kiss, sending tingles running through me as he grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him in the driver’s seat.

His tongue slipped into my mouth, slowly exploring mine, discovering me. It was my first kiss, my first ever experience with a man.
Pleasure flowed through my body, it was as though someone had turned the thermostat up ten degrees.

Su
ddenly, Jonathan did pull away. I was breathing heavily, I could feel my chest moving up and down beneath me, I could feel those sensations down in my nether regions that had never been acted on. And yet, Jonathan had pulled away. Hurt, I looked at him. He sighed before speaking.