Royce (35 page)

Through sheer exhaustion Royce had fallen asleep, he slept long and woke up late in the morning when he got up from the sofa the house was quiet, 
how’d I get on the sofa?”
  He was disoriented for a moment and hadn’t slept on the sofa in a long time.  He used to do that when he was here by himself; when he would start watching a show and the next thing he knew he was asleep. 
Let me call Joy, see what she’d up to today,
he thought to himself and he walked to the kitchen and picked up the phone and he was dialing when it hit him,
she doesn’t want to see you right now she needs her space because of that crazy bitch Tammy,
and he hung up the phone.  His stomach growled and reminded him of another need.  He took out eggs and bacon and fixed scrambled eggs, bacon and toast, even fixing breakfast made him think of Joy, she’d shown him how do this too, what would he do without her?  Then he went upstairs to check on the kids, Dillon was up playing video games, “Breakfast is ready,” he went to Karen’s room and knocked and didn’t get an answer.   He opened her door and found her sound asleep wrapped in her covers, he left her there and went downstairs and ate with Dillon. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that yesterday Dillon, it wasn’t the best we adults had to offer.” This was serious, what Tammy had done was serious.  She’d embarrassed them as a family and ruined his relationship with Joy.  Dillon looked at him with a blank expression, “I hate you had to see something like that, but there’s nothing I can do about it, it happened.  What your mother did was reprehensible and will affect us all,”
me most of all,
I lost Joy.
“You want to talk about it, tell me how you’re feeling?” Royce asked not expecting anything, and Dillon looked at him and said,

“It was supposed to be fun yesterday dad.  I was glad Ms. Joy, Deon and Lindsey could come to a game.  They wanted too, they were excited to see Karen play…Why do bad things keep happening to this family?”  He asked outright looking squarely and angrily at Royce.  And Royce didn’t know what to say or how to answer, “I don’t know son, I don’t know.”  “Well I’m sick of it,” Dillon said and stabbed into his eggs.  “Me too, I’m sick of it too,” and they ate the rest of the meal in silence.

And he tried to be there for the kids.  He had to get out of the house or he was going to explode.  He was a ball of knots so he took them to the batting cages, “Just hit the balls Karen,” he encouraged when she missed ball after ball flying at her.  They all took turns banging baseballs and for Royce he was trying to kill one with every swing, he swung hard and with all his strength. When he took them home he gripped the steering wheel when he pulled into Tammy’s driveway and he had to fight the urge not to go in there and start another big fight.  This time it would have been a knock down drag out I’m kicking the shit out of you wipe the floor with you fight.  He was going to take no prisoners on this one.  Tammy had crossed his threshold for tolerance, she’d crossed his threshold for patience and he was out of both for her.  He knew what stopped him, Tammy just wasn’t worth it.  Other than having to acknowledge her at Karen’s or Dillon’s games he didn’t expend any of his energy towards her, never thought of her.  She was just an annoying pest he had to put up with and until yesterday these antics of hers were getting tired and old.  He saw her looking out the window, he gripped the wheel, “I’ll see you next time.”  From his rearview mirror he saw the door opening and Tammy coming out and he was gone.

He went home to a quiet house and picked up the phone a thousand times to call Joy and thought better of it until finally he went in the workout room and worked out like a demon was on his back.  His body was sore.  He’d used muscles at the batting cages he hadn’t used in a long time apparently, and he welcomed the pain, at least it made him feel something.  When he could barely move he went to the shower and stood under warm water first, soothing his muscles, then he turned the water cool, cool, cold to stop any inflammation, then he went back to warm, warm, warmer and he felt refreshed.  He went to his room and shaved as close as possible and then he looked at the time, eleven thirty. He went to his closet and put on his clothes and got in his car and drove to Joy’s.  He pushed the garage door opener and watched the door go up and parked his car in his spot, and pushed the button to let the door down.  He walked through the door that led from the garage to the house,
she never locks this door
.  He walked down the hall and gently opened the door, “It’s me Joy,” he said softly.  He undressed down to his underwear and climbed in behind her and wrapped his body around hers.

Joy was lying in bed and heard the garage door going up,
Royce!
Her heart raced, she’d been lying there hoping he would come.  She’d lain awake all last night hoping he would come.  She thought he’d come to the front door like last time and had forgotten about the garage door opener she’d given him.  She heard the door from the garage open and she smiled, he knew she never locked that door.  She waited.  She heard his footsteps down the hall, her door opened, and her heart burst with love.

Joy felt Royce’s arms around her, “Baby, I missed you baby,” he whispered and she felt his beautiful soft lips kissing her shoulder. 

“Oh baby I missed you too.”

“I love you Joy, I love you so much.”

“I love you too baby, I love you so much baby, I love you, I love you, I love you,” she turned so he could have her lips.  He hungrily went for her mouth and she hungrily went for his.

“Don’t do that again baby, I can’t live without you,” he said through his hungry kiss.

“I know baby I was miserable, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, it was horrible without you,” he laughed. “Oh baby so was I, why didn’t you call me?”  She held on to him, “I don’t know baby, pride I guess.”  “Don’t do that again okay, don’t do that to us again,” he said, “I won’t baby, I can’t live without you.”  He pulled her in his arms, “Oh Joy, Joy,” he kissed her lips and pulled at her gown.  She reached for him wanting to feel his warm skin, to touch him, to feel him whole and real against her.  She slid his underwear down pass his hips wanting them off.  With her gown off, he felt her silky smooth skin, he moaned and wanted to feel her, to connect with her.  Joy ran her hands up and down his body, feeling his strong muscles, “Oh baby you feel so good,” she said.

Royce’s lips were all over her, tasting her, loving her, feeling her, “Oh baby I need you, Oh baby I need you, come to me baby,” and Joy spread her legs and pushed up against him and felt him so hard and wanting. “Take me baby, take me, I’m yours, take me.”  Royce moaned and hungrily and passionately they made love, frantic to be connected again, tying their love back together, fixing the bent, battered and broken pieces.

They cried out as another connection was made, and moaned as the pieces of their soul fit back together, and by the time they cried out and came together in one last surrender, his eruption hot and hard, and hers warm, yet hot and filled with love they were united again in mind, body and spirit. Afterwards they basked in the glow of their love.  Joy could feel Royce’s smile his cheek against hers, and Royce could feel hers, his lips close to hers.  “I love you Royce, I’m sorry. I love you so much baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you, or us.  Please forgive me.”  He kissed her lips, “I know baby, I’m glad it’s over.”

Now he knew the devastation and pain of losing her and he never wanted to feel that again, “Let’s get married,” he said.

Royce was free!  Free to love Joy!  Joy was free to love him.  It had been a couple of weeks since he’d asked Joy to marry him and he couldn’t have been happier, but the aftermath of the big fight at the soccer game had made a difference in a few lives.  Collin and Amanda’s relationship was strained, they were together but barely.  She looked like she was crying all the time and Bobby told him, “It looks like Amanda was having an affair with Michael,” and he had to act shocked, “Really, how’d you find out?”  “Collin told us…he’s hurt man, hurt bad.” “I understand that,” and he could sympathize with that but Amanda was a bitch.  “I don’t know what’s going to happen, they might split over this,” Bobby said, and to his surprise he thought,
serves her right. 

And the next week at the soccer game even as distressed and distraught as Amanda looked Royce couldn’t help himself he called to her from where he stood, “It’s about loyalty Amanda! I thought you understood the definition of the word!”  Amanda ignored him and Collin looked stricken and he pat him on the back, “Sorry Collin man, I just had to say something to her after the riding she gave me.” 

And the other person who seemed to have changed was Tammy.  As soon as he walked up to the sideline she came up to him, “Please Royce can I talk to you for a minute?”  And if Dillon hadn’t been watching he would have said, “Hell no!  Get out of my face!” But he nodded and followed her away from the group, “I’m sorry Royce I didn’t mean to act that way,” she said looking totally contrite.  “I’m glad to hear that Tammy but know this if it wasn’t for Karen and Dillon I wouldn’t have anything to do with you period!”  He said looking angrily at her, “But for them I have to but that by no means gives you the right to think you have any say in my life,” he was still angry, “You’re not the woman I thought you were!”  

She’d almost cost him Joy with her bullshit and if he hadn’t swallowed his pride, something he knew he had a lot of and gone over there that night who knows if they would have repaired their relationship, and the only reason he went over there was because he couldn’t spend another night coming apart at the seams.  He only went over there so he could hold her, even if she turned her back on him, as long as she let him hold her. 

“Are we done?” 

“Yes, I’m sorry, I just wanted to tell you that,” and he saw her eyes filled with unshed tears and he didn’t care, she was a bitch.  She’d proven that time and time again.

But other than that he was ecstatic, especially when he saw Joy’s bride magazines on the kitchen table, he couldn’t control his excitement. 

Karen was happy when she saw her father smiling, the last time she’d seen him he was trying to knock the hide off a baseball and she blamed her mother.  When he dropped them off her mother came to the door, “Oh I see he can’t face me,” and Karen lit into her.  “Leave daddy alone mom!  Leave him alone!  He didn’t do anything and Ms. Joy is nice!  She’s nice mom!”  She yelled at her mother.  “Karen how can you side with her?  Did you hear the things she said to me?”  “You said things to her too!  I saw you!  I saw you!”  Karen yelled back, “You weren’t being nice and daddy was!  Leave daddy alone!”  Tammy was shocked, “You kids just don’t understand!  There’s a lot more to this than you kids know!”  She went to Dillon to hug him.  Dillon would understand Tammy thought but he pulled away. “You’re the reason bad things happen to this family!  You had no right to call her those bad names that’s why she was so mad at you!”  Dillon yelled at her and Tammy was shocked and in disbelief.  “Leave daddy alone mom or we’re going to go stay with him,” Karen threatened, and Tammy burst into tears, and they had to go to her and let her hug them and cry. “I’m sorry kids, I’ll be a better mom, I promise, I’ll be a better mother,” she cried and they cried too, and it was because of that conversation and her children weren’t on her side anymore she tried to apologize to Royce the next weekend. 

Joy was planning a summer wedding, “The kids will be out of school, it’ll be so much easier to work it out,” she told Royce. “Okay babe,” he didn’t care as long as they got married.  She was torn on size though.  He shrugged and didn’t know.  “I can’t help you Joy. I’m a guy, we don’t think about weddings we just show up,” they both laughed, “So I’m on my own then.” “Yep,” he teased.  

This morning he woke up happy, a normal state for him now, Joy stirred and sat up in bed, he could see her watching him as he dressed.   He smiled at her, “Royce, I need to talk to you about something,” by the softness in her voice he stopped and looked at her, “Okay Joy what do we need to talk about,” and he felt his heart reacting to what…he didn’t know yet.  “I think we need to think about getting married,” and he froze he was so stunned.  “Hey, I don’t need to think about it I’d marry you tomorrow if I could,” he wasn’t smiling now and his heart was beating too fast.  “Well I think we need to think about it. I mean look, it won’t be just you and me anymore…I’ll be marrying into your family...and you’ll be marrying into mine.  You have kids with Tammy who might cause problems, I have kids with Michael who might cause problems…I just think we should wait, think a little on it.”  “Whoa wait, just wait a minute. Joy that’s separate from us.  We’re the ones getting married not them, we can’t let what they might do stop us from sharing our lives,” he said looking deeply at her, and he knew she was right on that.  His parents weren’t going to be receptive at first he knew that, just like they hadn’t been of Tammy, she was the wrong class, but they ended up loving her and he expected the same for Joy, and Tammy and Michael probably would cause problems.  She was a vindictive bitch and he was a bastard, both had proven that.  Joy looked away. 

“What’s going on here Joy?”  If she said she didn’t want to marry him he knew he’d become a puddle on the floor.  She sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him, “Are you sure you want to and know what you’re getting into marrying…marrying a black woman,” there she’d said it.  She looked at him when she said it, her courage up, “And am I sure I know what I’m getting into marrying…a white man,” and the shock registered hard on Royce’s face.  He was stunned, “You mean…you mean you might not want to marry me because I’m white!” He said shocked and in disbelief.  “It’s something we should think about Royce,” and he didn’t know what to say.  He just stood there looking at her.  He’d never thought about being white before, and he’d never thought someone wouldn’t want to marry him because of it.

“Okay Joy, we’ll think about it,” was all he could say and he finished getting dressed and left. 

She’d knocked the wind out of him.  He had no idea she might not want him because of the color of his skin.  He’d never had the color of his skin questioned and he drove to work thinking on that.  He played Louie, “
…
it makes no difference if you’re black or white
…,”
and he thought,
it does make a difference, to Joy it does make a difference. 
He looked at his pale hands on the steering wheel, his white hands,
I’m white and she might not want me
. The shock of that just stunned him. 

He went into the office and he just sat there thinking about what Joy said,
she had to think about being married to a white man!  What?  Is she kidding me, this is coming up now, after the way I love her, this is coming up now. 
He just couldn’t fathom it.

Bobby came into his office to find him sitting at his desk looking out at the Dallas skyline. Royce didn’t hear him come in he was so deep in thought.  Bobby was standing in front of his desk and clearing his throat before he realized he was there.  He looked over at him and swiveled in his chair, “Let me ask you something Bobby?”  “Shoot,” Bobby said. “You ever thought about being white?”  And Bobby looked at him and thought for a moment then said, “No, I mean why would I?  I never had too,” and he saw Royce looking at him for a long moment before he said, “Me neither.”

Royce thought about that and Bobby hit the nail on the head,
white people didn’t’ have to think about being white
, and after Bobby left he thought on it some more,
white people didn’t have to think about being white but black people had to think about being black,
and the further the day went on he thought further into it,
white people didn’t have to think about being white, but black people had to think about being black, and Joy had to think about marrying a man of a different race and she might not want to marry him because of it. 

He looked at his hands, he examined their whiteness,
it’s just skin, the outside covering
,
it’s not me.
  
Is it Royce, is it not you?  You’ve benefitted a lot because of it, so isn’t it you, isn’t it part of you, didn’t it help make you who you are
?  And he slumped at his desk,
Joy might not want to marry me because I’m white, and white is not right in this instance. 
This was the one situation where his white skin didn’t help him, and he felt helpless because he could do nothing about it.  He couldn’t change the skin he was in, he couldn’t change it, and Joy might not want to marry him because of it.

Until she talked to her mother Joy hadn’t really thought about Royce being white, to her it just was, nothing more, nothing less.  She was use to white people, at first she wasn’t, but when she went to the University of Pennsylvania that opened a whole new world for her, she’d never seen so many white faces.  She’d never been the only or one of two in a sea of white faces, it was such a culture shock.  Where she’d gone to school in Point Breeze she didn’t see many white people all over the place, pretty much everyone was black, her teachers, her classmates, her doctor, her dentist, but at college she was the minority. 

And after she married Michael and moved to Dallas she dealt with all kinds of people.  While she worked for Mr. Jackson she was in charge of all races and as Michael built his career and she attended dinners, social events and parties with mostly white people she found they were just people.  They were living their lives like everyone else except she found most of them did believe the stereotypes that had been fed to them from their culture, TV, books and movies.  And Royce some of the things she was attracted to were because of his whiteness like his blue eyes, but mostly she was attracted to him, his person, his easy way of being, he was fun and made her laugh and the way he loved her, the passion and heat between them still left her reeling.  But it was her mother who made her stop and think.

“Mom, I’ve got news, we’ve got to wait until my divorce is final, but Royce and I are getting married,” she’d said happily to her mother.  Her mother paused and she heard the silence, then she said, “The white man!  Justin’s father?”  “Yes mom, he’s…” “Are you sure about this Joy honey, marriage is a lot different than being involved.  I know you’ve been involved with him, but think about this, it won’t be just a relationship now, it’s a marriage and that means you marry into his family and he marries into yours.” “I know mom…,” “Well are you sure they’re going to accept you…You know how these things are…I told you what a hard time I had with your daddy’s people, it was tough on us that’s why we moved to the city and left them right back there in Blackstone, but they tried to pull me and your father apart and it almost worked until we moved.” 

Joy knew what her mother was referring too.  Her father’s people were from Blackstone, Virginia and were light skinned, very light skinned and her mother was a brown woman, and they thought she was too dark for him, especially for him to marry.  “I know what you and daddy went through mom, but that was a long time ago, that was different then.”  “Maybe so Joy, but you better check it out.  He’s a white man that’s a lot different than being high yella, your father was high yella and still a black man, but we still had problems with color.  His sisters and aunt gave me hell, all worried our kids were going to come out dark like me.  Gave me a hard time until Sylvie was born and they saw how pretty she was.  After they saw all you girls, you, Sylvie and Lanie and saw how pretty you were and all of you were blessed with color right in the middle of me and your father and after that they adored all of you,” and Joy knew that was true too.  Her aunts loved them when she was growing up and fawned all over them. 

“Think about it, it might be harder than you think even though it’s  2001, in some way it still feel like 1951,” her mother said, “Make sure he’s worthy of you Joycelyn,” were her last words, and those words always made Joy stop and think.  “Okay momma, you’re right, we’ll take time and talk it over before we do anything,” and that was why she brought it up this morning.  She just wanted to know what he thought that’s all, but she kept seeing Royce’s face, the shock and disbelief when he said, “You might not want to marry me because I’m white?”  It was like it never occurred to him that that was a possibility, maybe he didn’t think it mattered and
did it Joy, did it matter
, she asked herself? 

She wondered that herself, sometimes it did matter and it was something they should talk extensively about and other times it didn’t, she loved Royce and he loved her.  They have a son together, the white black question had already been answered between them if they have a son together, didn’t that mean it shouldn’t matter?  Her mother had opened up this issue.  This issue they’d never talked about, that they’d never even mentioned between them and now here it was the elephant in the room.

Royce stood up, “Cancel my afternoon appointments Ms. Severs.”  He wanted to get to the bottom of this and wanted to know why she was bringing this up now? Why would the color of his skin matter now after they’d been together, after they’d loved each other, after he loved her to the core of his being and when she could finally be his, he wanted to know why now?