Save Me From Me (23 page)

I know everything with me and Holden is about to come to some sort of crossroad. He told me from the get-go how long he was supposed to be around, and who the hell knows where he’ll be shipped off to next. I’m dreading that day. More than anything, I don’t want it to come. I like how things are with us now. No, I love how they are because I love him. I haven’t said it yet, and honestly don’t know when I’ll have the guts to do so. I almost think its best when it just pops out on its own, instead of when you rehearse it over and over in your head.

When it just slips, it’s because it feels so natural you don’t even have to second-guess it. That’s the best way to say it. It’s hard enough putting your heart out on the line. No sense in making it awkward or over thinking it like I’m doing now because I want to tell him so bad, but I’m inwardly freaking out about it. I haven’t told a guy that I loved him since Gage, and that was back in flipping high school. Loving someone is scary. Knowing that I fell in love with someone who is not a permanent fixture is what’s terrifying to me. I knew this was temporary, but I let it happen anyways.

Stupid heart wants what it wants; even if your head thinks it’s a bad idea.

It’s a chilly fall day today. The leaves have all changed and are starting to collect on the ground, piling here and there, as the wind whips them around daily. There are a few things I love about fall. Hoodies, hot chocolate, and football… and hoodies. I love nothing more than throwing on a pair of jeans, pulling my hair up, and tossing on a hoodie. It beats a freaking Snuggie any day.

“Hello, Ms. Brooks.” I hear Holden say to my mother when she answers the door. I rush out of my room, eager to be with him.

“Please, call me Gail.” I see him smile softly at her as he realizes he’s growing on her.

“Sure thing, Gail. Do you need us to pick up anything while we are out and about?” Holden asks, and my mom waves off his crazy question. Truth is, she’s not use to anyone, other than me, offering her help.

Heaven forbid that lady ever accept it.

“You kids have fun,” she says as she walks back towards her room.

“I’m almost twenty-nine. Pretty sure I’m no longer a kid.” I huff, not sure if it’s about her calling me a kid, or the being close to thirty part.

“You’ll always be my kid.” She smiles before turning the corner.

“After you, kiddo,” Holden says holding the door open.

I smack him in the gut. “I’ll show you kiddo.”

Holden has this whole set up sitting out as we walk down to the dock. He has a blanket laid out, held down by a cooler, and what looks to be a box. I gasp, realizing he set us up a romantic date.

“Wow,” I say as we walk up to the blanket hand-in-hand.

“I know this is your favorite spot, and it’s become mine as well… And not for the obvious reason.” I blush, knowing he’s referring to the first time we had sex. What a glorious time that was. “But, I wanted to celebrate something special with you today, and I have a feeling this will be where most of our special moments are shared.”

He guides me to take a seat. The sound of the lake as it washes up onto the bank is a relaxing sound as I look around, taking in all the serenity of this area during this fall weather. It’s quite beautiful. Holden isn’t too bad on the eyes either. You could probably place him in the dirtiest of ghettos, and he’d make the place shine brighter. I smile at the thought of him being like that Febreze commercial where they blindfold people, and they don’t realize they are surrounded by garbage. Yep, that’s exactly how Holden would be, except it’d be a visual concept.

“What are you smiling about over there?” he asks, eyeing me.

“I was just thinking about you.” His eyes light up. “It was a silly thought,” I say, shaking my head, causing the light in his eyes to dim. “I was thinking about how you make my world better.” There’s that light again as he peeks back up at me. “How just having you around and in my life makes everything more beautiful. You bring beauty to my world. I have always thought I needed to capture everything on my camera because I need physical proof. But with you, I don’t need the constant reminder of it. With you, I don’t have to go back and look through my scrapbooks or photo albums to remember what is good in the world. Having you by my side and in my life is all the proof I need.”

“Wow, Dani,” he says, shaking his head. “That was deep.” I look down, almost embarrassed that I confessed that to him. He grabs my hands, and his words pull my head back up. “But I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same about you. It’s crazy how just one person can change your outlook on life, and everything in between.”

He picks up the box sitting on the blanket and holds it out to me. “Happy birthday, Hot Shot.” I slowly take the box from his hand, giving him a weary look while he eagerly urges me to open it. I pull back the edges of the paper, and the paperless box doesn’t give away what the gift could be. I flip open the lid and gasp when I pull out the gorgeous new camera that Holden bought me. My eyes start to fill with tears as an overwhelming amount of emotions take over.

“The guy at the store said this bad boy is top notch. He also said that many photographers use cameras just like this one.” The fact that he put so much thought into this gift means so much more than the crazy cost that I know it had to be. Not only did he replace my camera, the one thing I love, but he also bought me one that can one day serve a bigger purpose in fulfilling my dream.

“I love it. It’s perfect.” I throw my arms around his neck, holding him tightly. “I love you, Holden. It’s the best gift ever,” I say, realizing what I let slip out afterwards, but not even caring because it’s the truth.

I love him.

“That right there is the best damn gift ever.” I pull back, confused by his words. “Hearing you say that you love me.” He clarifies. “I love you too, Dani,” he says, looking deep into my eyes. “Truth is, I have for a while now. I was just scared I might scare you off by saying it.”

“You could never scare me off,” I say as I rub my hand along his jaw, letting it rest on his cheek.

“Oh yeah,” he says as he pulls something out of his coat pocket. “There’s a second part to your gift. Your camera should come in handy while you’re here.”

I take the envelope out of his hand and slowly pull the flap up as I eye him suspiciously. “Oh my God! You did not!” I feel like a freaking twelve-year-old girl as I pull out the pair of tickets to the Justin Timberlake concert.

“I hope front row works.” He shows off his cocky smile. Tightly grasping my tickets, I tackle Holden to the ground. “I take that as a yes.” He laughs.

“You’re amazing,” I say before kissing him.

“The concert is tomorrow night. Adyn already made sure you guys were scheduled off.”

“You sneaky man, you.”

“Perhaps your underestimated my sneakiness,” he replies, quoting from
Mr. Deeds
.

“I sure love your sneaky ass.”

“I’m pretty sure you just love my ass in general.”

“It’s not your booty. It’s your beauty, Baby,” I say teasing him.

The concert was abso-freakin-lutely epic. Like ‘can’t touch this’ epic. No concert will ever be able to outdo the epicness of it. Not in my lifetime, anyways. It is two weeks later, and Holden is taking me out to dinner. He told me that he wanted me to spend the night with him and that we had some talking to do. I don’t like the sound of it, but I’ve known it was going to come. I just like the idea of not talking about the inevitable, because then it didn’t seem so real, but knowing just how real it is makes me sick to my stomach. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal to most people because we could do the ‘long distance’ thing, but the distance and timing between would constantly be changing. The variables would always be different with the one constant being me. Me being the one staying put.

I know what it’s like to be on the leaving end. The idea of being the one on the other end of the rope makes me feel uneasy. I know that when I left Gage here, I didn’t even try to make it work. I loved him, and I didn’t even see where it could have gone with him. Why will things with Holden be different? I’ve only known him for a fourth of the time that I’ve known Gage. How do I know that he won’t find someone better while on the road? I don’t and that’s what freaks me out. I don’t want to live away from him. I’ve finally found him. I want him all too myself. Is that too much to ask? Maybe, probably, but it shouldn’t be. So, now it’s up to me to step it up. My brain and heart are riding the teeter-totter, and I’m about to toss one off.

“I got word today that I’m leaving soon, Hot Shot.” I watch as her eyes start to get misty. “More than anything, I want to pack you up and take you with me, but not to go on the road from town to town, because Darlin’, that life isn’t good enough for you.” I sigh. “I know you aren’t leavin’ here and I’m not stayin’... Unless you ask me to.”

“I’m not goin’ to ask you to give up your job, your future, your relationship with your father, everything in your life for me.”

“You really don’t think you’re worth it? You think me bouncin’ from town to town is the life I want? I’ve never wanted this life; I just fell into it for convenience purposes. The only good thing that has come from this job has been meeting you. I’m willing to give up this job and all its attachments, but what I’m not ready to give up is you. So, just say the words, pretty girl.”

I see her mind working, processing everything I’ve just told her. I know she has some attachments she needs to cut ties with, as well, if we even have a chance at working, but I see it. I see that she wants me to stay, and I can’t help how happy it makes me feel. Or maybe she wants to go. I feel like I need to dig a little deeper and get everything laid out. Get the whole pros and cons list going. Let the prodding begin.

“Dani, what’s keeping you here?”

Without hesitation, she replies, “My mom. My nephews.”

“Is that all?” I ask, praying it is.

“Well, yes.” But being the smart girl she is, she puts my second guess to rest. “Gage isn’t holding me back, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Okay, well, from the sounds of it, I think your mom has it all under control.” I raise a brow, urging her to argue my point.

“Yeah, she’s pretty amazing.” She smiles. “But what if something happens and I’m not here?” I hear the concern in her voice as it quivers. I take her hands into mine and rub circles with my thumbs along the tops to comfort her. I know I can’t sugar coat shit with Dani. She’s too smart for that. So, my best way to go about it is to be straight up honest.

“Shit happens. There’s no getting around it. It will happen whether you are here or not. Just like it did with my cousin Jake. Just like it did with your dad. You’re going to have to let that go. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know. It’s so much easier said than done, though. I’m just not sure if leaving is worth the constant worry and stress.”

“What is worth it, Hot Shot? Is what you feel for me not worth it? We can’t stop living our lives based off of what ifs. If I were a betting man, I’d say that your mom would only want the best for you. And baby, I’m what’s best for you,” I say, causing her to look up and smile at me. “They’d want for you to start living for yourself.” I take her face in my hands as I stare into her beautiful baby blues. “Doing shit that makes you happy.”

I bend down, pressing my lips to hers. She wraps her hands around my forearms as my hands firmly hold onto her face. I’m holding on for dear life, afraid that if I let go, I’ll lose her. “What makes you happy, Dani?” I whisper against her lips.

“You, Holden. Being with you makes me the happiest girl in the world. I’d be stupid to stay here. But I can’t just go on the road with you forever. I mean, one day I’ll need a job, and that won’t be possible if we are town hopping.”

“We won’t have to, Baby. I just need to finish this one last job, and then we can move anywhere you want. I’ll have enough money saved up to get us by for a little while. Maybe you can take some photography classes like you’ve talked about, and then one day, have your own studio. I know that’s your passion in life. And since you are my passion, I support you completely and will do anything in my power to see your dreams come true, Hot Shot.”