Save Me From Me (33 page)

They say that true love is a once in a lifetime thing. But I think sometimes, it can be twice in a lifetime. It can be with two different people, or even with the same person but at different times in your life. I have been fortunate enough to experience it both ways. I don’t look back on my life with regrets. I know that it’d do no good to sit and wish about the ‘whata, coulda, shoulda, woulda beens’. Do I get sad at times realizing what I’ve lost? Yes. I’ve lost someone who I care about deeply. Someone that I never had the chance to take the dive, and see where our love could go. Holden was my true, once in a lifetime love. What I had with him, even though our time together was short lived, was real, and transcended what fairytales are made of. Yes, Gage was my first love. I learned everything with him and it was amazing. But the moment I took off and he stayed crippled what could have been with us. We weren’t meant to have the ever after type of love. With him, it will always now be the strongest friendship type of love that will never be broken. I will always love him, and be by his side. But I can’t be what he wants me to be, needs me to be.

I’m finally living for me, and knowing that no one is counting on me, and that I’m free to screw up every now and then, and make mistakes without affecting others, is a pretty freeing feeling. I often let myself wonder if Holden deserves all the props for this feeling. They say that you are the only one truly in control of your life and destiny, but sometimes, I believe we all need that nudge from an outside force that points us in the right direction. The nudge that makes you realize for yourself that you want to change. No one wants to be told what to do with his or her life, or feel like they are being bossed around. Rebellion instantly happens. You have to pull some reverse psychology on people sometimes. You know, make them think it was their idea the whole time. Heaven forbid we, as humans, take someone else’s advice. We have to be hardheaded
assholes and learn the difficult way, hurting people and ourselves along the way.

I’ve been staying at Mom’s house. I now work at the local photography studio helping out while doing some on the job training. In the evenings, I attend the local community college, taking a few photography classes. And in between both, I help my mom with the boys. She gained guardianship when Brandy went to jail. Her going to jail was the best thing that could have ever happened. Everyone hits rock bottom differently, and jail was hers.

I’d be lying if I said Holden isn’t always on my mind. The way things ended haunt my thoughts daily. As much as I’d like to think he’d understand, since out of everyone, he understood me the best, I don’t think he’d care for an explanation now. I don’t deserve the chance to give him one. The damage is done. I haven’t seen or heard a word. It’s as if he dropped off the face of the earth. It’s been months, and I’m sure that he’s more than moved on by now. I cringe at the thought.

I come into work an hour early today to finish getting together some picture packages, and confirm the online appointments for next week. Is it necessary for me to arrive early to get all this done? No, but what else do I have to keep me busy? I’d much rather be here in the portrait studio surrounded by everything I love. I like to call this place my training ground, or stepping-stone, you might say. This is not where my dream ends. One day, I will own my own photography studio. That is my dream. But until then, I will continue soaking in all I can here while taking my photography classes. I’ve made a few friends in class, and every now and then, we get together and go different places to practice different shots and lighting techniques.

I really want to test my new camera out at my favorite place, but instead of that place being a memory of my dad, it’s also a place that holds a lot of Holden memories, all good, of course. Really, really good. I smile as I reminisce on our first time. It was hot and something that I’ll definitely never forget. I’m not even paying attention to my computer, or the door for that matter, as I sit, tapping my pen on my desk while my mind floods with worthy thoughts.

My body stills, and the pen drops from my hand as soon as I hear his voice. When I say stills, I mean literally. My body glues itself to my chair, unable to move. I must have dozed off. This can’t be real. I seriously think that I’m dreaming — like, totally need to pinch myself dreaming. My palms are all of a sudden sweaty, my heart is beating erratically, and my breathing is slow. So slow that I might pass out. Three words. Three words is all it takes to turn me into a total girl.

“Hey, Hot Shot.”

I have no words. I sit and just stare in amazement at this astonishingly handsome man. He’s real, and he’s here. For me. I stand up on shaky legs and make my way around the counter, not daring to take my eyes off of him.

“Dani, talk to me. Please.” He places his hand on my shoulder and I rest my face against it.

“You shouldn’t be here, Holden.” I say as tears involuntarily begin to fall.

“Like hell I shouldn’t be. Do you have any idea what I’ve been going through? I’ve been dying, Baby, and you’re the only one that can bring me back.”

My sobs grow louder. I try to turn from him, but he wraps his arms around me, spinning me into his chest.

“What I feel for you isn’t going away. Do you hear me?” I nod against his chest. “I will never find what we have with anyone else. The idea of it makes me sick. You are it for me. I want to be it for you,” he whispers.

“I love you, Holden,” I whisper back. “But I can’t be with you.”

“Why the hell not? Isn’t what we feel for each other all that matters?” I shake my head.

“There are other people involved. I can’t leave, and you can’t stay,” I cry in defeat.

“I told you to say the words and I’d stay. You agreed you’d come with me. You didn’t show. Do you have any idea what that did to me? Still does to me?” He can’t hide the anger he feels about the situation. I don’t blame him.

I push away from him. “You think I wanted to leave your work site that day before you showed up? Do you think that my heart didn’t jump out and leave when you left? I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted, but I can’t have you.”

He grabs my hands and pulls me into him. “Why can’t you have me when I’ve already given you all of me, Dani? You fucking own me. Don’t you get it?” He pauses for a second. “Wait. What do you mean you never wanted to leave my work site? You mean you showed up?”

“Your dad…”

“What? My dad what?” he asks with confusion.

I sigh. “I showed up at the site like we had planned,” I choke out. “I didn’t know where you’d be, so I asked the first person I saw. Turns out, he was your dad. He basically said that there was no reason for me to stick around to get my heart broken. That you’d always choose the family business, especially since it was a stipulation in your grandfather’s will.” He raises a brow and I explain. “Apparently, in order for you to receive the house and land, along with the oil assets he left you, you have to stay on working for your dad. Once you quit, it all gets forfeited.”

“Fuck!” he yells, turning around and clinching his fists. I’m sure he’s looking for something to punch. “Why didn’t you just tell me? You know that shit means nothing to me.”

I wipe away some tears and try not to make eye contact with him as I say, “I can’t ask you to give up everything for me. I can’t be selfish like that, Holden.”

Using both hands, he grabs my face, needing me to see what he’s saying, and not just hear it. “For once in your life, be selfish. Be selfish for me, Dani. Pick me. Tell me to stay. I need to hear you say it.”

He’s practically begging me to tell him to quit his job. Not that he needs a reason, but I can tell he wants
me
to be his reason. He wants me to
choose
to keep him in my life.

“I’ve missed you,” I say before jumping into his arms. He catches me, just as he’s always said he would, and holds me tightly to him as his lips work wonders against mine.

Home.
Home is where Holden’s lips are. These lips of his could cure things, like my broken heart.

“I love you so much, Holden. If being selfish means that I get to have you for the rest of my life, then I’ll be the most selfish damn woman you’ve ever met.”

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about, Darlin’.” His words melt my heart as the closeness of our bodies turns me on. I want him so bad, and it’s not because I haven’t had actual sex in a good six months. It’s because I’ve missed his touch, the way he feels inside me. I start wiggling in his arms as my body takes on a mind of its own.

“I have to have you. Like right now.” I pull back from kissing his neck to look him in the eyes.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” He gives me his sexy smile as he sits me on the countertop where, with him standing and me sitting, it’s the perfect height for us to
reconnect.

I’ve missed every single thing about Dani. Her smell, her touch, her mouth, her body, the warmth and closeness of her, but most of all, her love. She has one of the biggest hearts ever, and I’m so glad to be one of the people she loves with it. I tear my mouth away from hers and still my roaming, groping hands.

Her lips are a bit puffy from the kissing assault I put on them, and her hair is a bit ruffled in places. She looks sexy as hell. Her eyes dart back and forth, waiting for me to tell her why I stopped. I just want to stare at her for a minute. Take her all in. This woman is mine, and I will never lose her again. No. Matter. What.

“I can’t do this here.” Her body sags, and I tilt her chin back up to look at me. “I want you so damn bad, but I’m not going to make love to you here. I need to lay you down and show you how much I’ve missed you, how much I love you. I want to take my sweet time with your body. I want to feel your lips all over mine. Once I’m inside you again, I’m never going to want out.” Her body shudders at my words as I bend down, breathing them against her neck. “I’m not trying to be a bad influence, but is there any way you can play hooky today?” I nip at her ear before letting my tongue lick the sensitive spot behind it.

“Let’s go,” she moans as I kiss my way down her neck.

We make our way back to the motel room I booked before I started my journey this morning to find Dani. That wasn’t a very easy one, I might add. I went to her mom’s, but no one answered. I went to her work, but the only person I recognized was the older lady. I asked her if Dani was working, and all she said was no. After driving around town for a bit, just hoping I’d maybe see her driving, I finally went out to her favorite spot—the place I figured she might just be, but wasn’t. That place holds so many amazing memories. Before I gave up, I went back to the store one more time. I had to find someone, anyone, who knew something. I walked in, and
bingo,
Adyn was working.

“It’s about time you came back for her,”
she said, as soon as she spotted me. That made me smile. If Dani’s best friend was glad that I was back, then surely, Dani would be as well. Well, that’s what I had hoped when she told me that Dani had quit, and where she was working nowadays.

I shut the door, lock it, and turn around, facing Dani as she stands near the bed. Her hair seems blonder and her eyes bluer. Like a siren, her eyes, the look in them, call out to me. Beckon me to come and claim her—to take back what has always been mine, and my feet don’t skip a beat as I make my way to her. I place my hands on the side of her face, and look down at her before claiming her lips.

The moment our bodies touch skin to skin, connecting in all the right spots, I get a sense of euphoria. It all seems so surreal. Like I’m not really here with her, making love. She feels incredible, wrapped up all around me with her legs clinging to my sides for dear life, as I take her deep and slow. I want to savor every sensation as I fill her up completely. Her moaning, tugging of my hair, and nails digging into my back let me know that she’s enjoying it just as much as I am.

“I would tell you to come,” I breathe against her neck, causing her to shudder beneath me, “but I know it doesn’t work by voice command.” I let out a husky laugh through the pleasure tangled around me.

“I think you underestimate the impact your voice has on my body,” she says, lifting and grinding herself into me.

“You keep doing that, and I’ll be a goner in no time.” I bite her lip then suck it into my mouth.

“I’ve missed how good you feel inside me.” She throws her head back with a moan. I kiss her shoulder, making my way up her neck.

“Is that all you’ve missed, Baby?” I speed up my thrusts, making sure I keep them deep and hard. I can feel how close she is. In sync with me, she quickens her movements as we make love. I wrap my hand in her hair and slightly lift her head closer to my face. “Let me see them pretty blues, Hot Shot.” I want to watch what I do to her as I’m doing it.