Save Me From Me (35 page)

“Well, your big plan damn sure back fired on you. Not only are you losing me as an employee, you’re also losing me as a son. But I don’t really think that part bothers you. It’s no big secret that we don’t have any fucking type of relationship. Hell, you rarely see or talk to your own wife. Why the hell would you put out any effort towards me? I refuse to live the life you live. I refuse to keep going through life miserable. I refuse to die a lonely old man like you will one day. I love you, Dad, but I’m not you, and I refuse to keep trying to please you when it doesn’t benefit me. I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and cold-hearted. So, you can take this family business and shove it, for all I care.”

I turn to walk away, but words that I’ve never heard from my dad come out, just above a whisper. “I’m sorry, Holden. You’re right. I’ve lost sight of what’s really important in life. I’ve become the man I always told myself I wouldn’t. I’ve become my father.”

“It’s never too late to fix things,” I say, turning back around to face him. “I mean things with me and you will take a while, because I need to work through this resentment I have, but Mom needs you, Dad. You really need to show her that you do still love her.”

“Thank you, Son, for opening my eyes. I’ll never be perfect. There are things I won’t be able to change, but there are things I’m going to start working on.”

“I’m leaving the truck with Rusty. Have whoever needs to, to contact him.” He just nods.

“Tell that girl of yours that I’m sorry,” he says, as he pulls his phone out of its case and turns towards the office.

I’m sure he’s calling my mom, and that puts a smile on my face.

I make my way back to Dani’s truck and hop in.

“How’d it go?”

“It went…,” I pause, looking for the right word. “It went good.” Lame, I know, but it does sum it up. “It’s amazing how much better I feel now that I’ve confronted him. Is it dumb to say I feel lighter? Like a weight has been lifted off my chest.”

“Not at all. That’s exactly what’s taken place. I guess it’s my turn tomorrow,” she says, and I know she’s talking about Gage.

I wake up this morning filled with determination, but also an uneasy sense of dread. This could go two ways: good or very bad. I’m leaning more towards very bad. I know Gage, and I’ve seen the effects on people once they’re in the claws of drugs and become addicted. The last thing I want to do is kick him when he’s down, but I don’t want to continue living a lie — making him believe that there’s hope for us when he gets out. He’s my best friend. I just hope we can salvage that once all this plays out.

“You want me to go with you?” Holden asks, bending over to put on his boots.

“No, this is something I need to face alone,” I say, sitting next to him rubbing his leg.

He leans back, dropping his arm around my shoulder, and I lean into his side. “You need me,” he says, trying to convince me to let him go.

“Yes, I need you in my life, but right now, I need you to stay here. This thing with Gage is something I have to do alone. Not because I don’t need you by my side, but because it’s something that I need to finally face head on. And when I’m done, I’ll be coming back here, to you and all your needs.” I wink at him before kissing his cheek.

“I’m holding you to that, Hot Shot,” he says.

“I’m a woman of my word, Baby.”

The hour drive seems to go by all too fast. I have so many different conversations playing out in my mind. How do I start this convo with him? What do I even say? How in the world am I going to do this? Why the hell didn’t I let Holden come with me?

You got this, Dani.
I just have to put on my big girl panties, and tell Gage what’s up. I don’t want to compromise his recovery, but dammit, that’s supposed to be up to him anyways, not me. I have to quit not facing things because I’m worried what the outcome might be—thinking that if I had done it a certain way, it would have turned out differently. It would have, but not for my benefit, and honestly, not for theirs either. Enabling people doesn’t help them. It just prolongs them from inevitably hitting rock bottom. That is usually what is necessary for them to make the popping sound and pull their heads out of their ass.

Gage takes it as well as expected.

“Are you kiddin’ me? I go to rehab for you, and you suddenly think you’re too good for me? I’m fuckin’ here because of you. Because I didn’t want to lose you, and look what good that did me. You’re leavin’ me, again.” He huffs in disbelief.

He knows how to jab me in just the right spots. No one else but Gage plays on my weakness where I feel like I need to fix everyone. I honestly think it’s the drugs. No matter what people say, mainly the users themselves, drugs do change people. It’s almost bi-polar acting. When they are high, they are the greatest people to be around, but when they are feigning, they can become scary at times, breaking out into fits of rage. They become liars and cheaters, and will do anything no matter the consequence to get their next fix. I never had to experience anything too bad with Gage, but it was enough. He really needs help, but if he isn’t doing this for himself, help cannot be given. Can’t give something unless it’s willing to be received, and by the looks of it, Gage isn’t on the receiving end.

“I’m done. I’m so done feelin’ like I have to fix everyone’s shit. I’m done feelin’ bad when shit falls apart for people. I’m done trying to pick up the pieces to everyone else’s life while mine continues to fall to shit. I’m finally putting the pieces back, going after my dreams. The same dreams you’ve always made fun of me for. I’m done living for everyone else, Gage. I want my life back. You can’t blame me for that.”

“Hell, yeah, I can blame you. If you wouldn’t have fuckin’ left me that night, I would have never overdone it,” he yells as he stands up, kicking the chair beside him. I watch as it topples, screeching across the tile before hitting the wall. Luckily, no one else is in the room. I’m sure someone has to hear what’s going on. Gage isn’t being quiet, by any means.

He’s never been one to show emotions in the first place. He’s always been told that emotions are a sign of weakness. His dad is a real hard ass at times. I’m sure that has a lot to do with his addiction. Why live in a shitty reality if you could pop a pill, smoke something, or shoot something up and get a temporary escape? Seems totally acceptable. But it’s not. Especially when it changes who you are, and it takes over your life.

“Oh, so now it’s my fault you’re an addict. I guess it’s my fault because I left you over ten years ago, right? If I had stuck around this hellhole back then, then you would have never turned to drugs? Doubtful, but even if that’s the truth, it isn’t my fault. I didn’t put the shit in your life. You did. You want to know your problem?”

“What?” he bites out as he sits back down in his chair.

“You blame everyone else for your problems. At first, it was your dad being sick, and your being stuck here. Now, all of a sudden, it’s me. Grow some balls and man the hell up. You, and only you, are responsible for your life, Gage. No one else.”

“But I need you, Danielle,” he whispers as he looks down at the table where our hands are now connected. I see the slow trail of tears making their way down his cheeks. “I’ll always need you, Baby. Please, don’t leave me.”

“I’m moving on, Gage. I suggest you do the same. I will always love you, but what we had ended a long time ago.”

“You’re leaving me for him?” He stands up in a hurry, pushing the table closer to me as his weight bears down on it.

I just hold his gaze but don’t answer him. He already knows. Why actually say the words? It’s not as if I’m denying it. His body shakes, and I can tell his anger is gone, and he’s starting to crack. He falls to his knees, and I watch his body tremble as he cries. More than anything, I want to comfort him. Rub his back. Tell him it will all be okay, and that no matter what, I will always be there for him. But I’m done being his crutch. I’m done being everyone’s, even though, with my mom, I was an unwanted crutch. I’m ready to break free of everything that I’ve been letting cripple me, and just friggin’ run, Dani, run the hell outta dodge.

“Please. Please. Please,” he keeps saying over and over between sobs. He’s losing it, and I want to put him back together, but I can’t. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Leave someone I love so much and put the ball in his court. The choice to continue on the right course of getting his life straight. The choice to back out because he isn’t happy with the curve that life just threw him. The choice to just continue on a downward spiral. It is one of the toughest decisions he will ever make. A person doesn’t have to be an addict to face that kind of fork in the road. It comes at times, in all sorts of shapes and colors. I can’t continue worrying about him on his path of self-destruction. No more. Can’t do it.

“Please, Danielle. I only love you. I only have you. You’re all I have. I’m my own worst enemy. You know that.”
He looks up at me, and it breaks my heart to see his tear streaked face. The same boy that I fell in love with so long ago stares back at me, scared and stripped of everything he thought he was.

“This is where you make the choice, Gage. The choice of what you want in your life. Of whom you want to be. You can choose now to completely turn it around, and go for the shit you really want in life. I know you want more out of life. You have dreams, just like me. Go for them. Don’t limit yourself. Don’t let this addiction hold you back anymore. Get out of this bullshit town, and flip everyone off on the way out. This won’t work if you do it for anyone but yourself. Do this for you, Gage. You deserve better.”

“What if I can’t? What if I can’t do it?” he whispers with a look of self-doubt.

Gage’s addiction is drugs. Mine has been to put everyone else ahead of my needs and wants. Putting my life and myself on the back burner — for far too long. I’m ready to take back my life. It’s been a long time coming. I want back in the saddle. It has taken a while for it all to click into place. It took me meeting Holden and then losing him to realize that my life matters. What I want matters, and I’m finished being scared of pursuing my dreams and going after what I truly want.

Even before my dad died, I wasn’t fully living for me. I was living to be someone different. I didn’t want to be anything like the people that I grew up with, and therefore went after things none of them ever would. The fancy job, the expensive car, the high-end condo, the works. And for what? Truth is that I lost myself the moment that I left this town. It took me ten-plus years, and losing my dad to finally find me. And I’m diving in headfirst and going for it.

I stand up, pushing my chair back as I do. I hold steady, wiping the tears from my face. And, I tell my best friend goodbye.

“I love you, Gage, but I can’t save you from you.”

Life has been pretty amazing these last few months. Holden and I have gotten ourselves a rental house, and I’ve been working at the studio. Mr. Reynolds doesn’t come around, but I know he goes home more and spends time with his wife. After their confrontation, he called Holden and offered him a job checking well sites in the surrounding counties. Yes, some require hours of travel time, but none ever keeps him away from me over night. Holden was hesitant about even taking the job from his father, but I reassured him that one day it’d all work out, and he should keep their relationship on neutral territory instead of completely closing him off. I’d like to think that one day his dad will come around, for Holden’s sake.

I’ve been visiting Brandy at least once a month. Her spirits seem to be up these days, even though she’s facing a good 5-10 year sentence. They charged her and Billy with manufacturing Meth with the intent to distribute. I don’t think she was actually part of the home lab where she was busted in, but since it was at her ‘husband’s’ house, and she was there when it happened, she’s doing the time.