Saving Ren (Barretti Security Series, Book 3) (12 page)

“Shit, Ren, I’m sorry. I should have called to say I was here,” Declan said.

Ren’s voice finally returned to him and he willed himself to calm down. “So much for thinking I’d made progress, huh?” he said.

“You fucking amaze me every day, Ren,” Declan said and Ren’s body jolted when Declan’s hand briefly caressed his cheek. God, how he wanted to believe the move wasn’t just about offering comfort.

“Where’s Jagger?” he asked when he realized Declan was alone. Declan’s expression hardened at the mention of Jagger and he dropped his hand.

“I’ll tell you in the car,” Declan said. “Let’s get going. We have a long drive back.”

Ren nodded. Before Declan’s arrival he’d been thinking that maybe they could stay in the city overnight but one look at Declan’s tired features had him rethinking that plan. Being around the hustle and bustle of a neighborhood, no matter how quiet, would mean that Declan would have to be on a higher level of alert to make sure Ren didn’t have one of his moments. And despite the strides he’d thought he’d made this past week, his reaction a moment ago made it clear that he still had a ways to go. At least at the cabin he’d be more relaxed which meant Declan could get the rest he clearly needed.

***

“I thought I made it clear you weren’t welcome here anymore.”

Jagger wasn’t surprised to see that Declan was sitting on the living room couch since he’d seen the lights on as he’d driven up the dirt road that led to the cabin. He also wasn’t surprised at the anger that lingered in Declan’s tone. Jagger had been hoping they could hash this shit out in the morning but he doubted Declan was going to go for that. Not that Jagger could blame him – not after the way he’d treated Declan today.

“You said you were done but that doesn’t mean I am,” Jagger said as he dropped his bag to the ground and locked the door.

“How’s Cade?” Declan asked.

“He made it through surgery but he hasn’t woken up yet. Doctors are worried about possible brain damage.”

Declan fell silent and Jagger used the moment to study the man on the other side of the room. He looked worn out.

“Why are you still up?” Jagger asked.

“Go home, Jagger,” was Declan’s response as he stood and began moving towards the kitchen. Jagger stepped in front of him to cut him off and was satisfied to see Declan suck in a sharp breath. The man might be pissed at him but he still wanted him.

“You said you needed me,” Jagger whispered. “You said you couldn’t do this without me.”

He reached out to touch Declan but he stepped back before Jagger could make contact.

“So is that what this is about, Varos? You like being needed but you’re such a big, tough badass that you don’t need anyone or anything?” Declan snapped.

Declan tried to move past him again but Jagger grabbed him by the arm. Before Declan could utter a protest or pull free of him, Jagger yanked him forward and crushed their mouths together. Declan fought him briefly but as soon as Jagger ran his tongue over Declan’s lips, his mouth opened and Jagger surged inside. The kiss was raw and carnal but before he could explore any farther, Declan shoved him away and wiped at his mouth. The pain at seeing Declan try to wipe away the evidence of what had just happened between them went bone deep and Jagger didn’t know if he wanted to walk away or grab Declan again and show him how good it could be between them.

“Get out,” Declan said harshly. The fact that he wasn’t raising his voice meant Ren was likely asleep and Declan feared waking him. Jagger had no issue with using that fact to his advantage.

“Is that really what you want, Declan? Because that’s not what your body is saying,” he said as he looked pointedly at Declan’s crotch and the outline of the erection pressed against his jeans.

“Is this just a game to you, Jagger?” Declan asked, his voice losing all of its anger. “Did you come all the way out here to spite me or something? To force me to admit that I’m attracted to men? Or is it that you want to hear me say I’m attracted to you?” Declan looked so dejected that Jagger didn’t stop him when Declan went to move past him once more.

“Frank Mitchell is sleeping with my mother,” he forced out just before Declan stepped around him. Humiliation flooded through Jagger as he felt Declan stop next to him but he forced himself to continue. “It’s been going on for almost twenty years…since the first time he arrested me on a bogus shoplifting charge when I was fifteen.”

This time it was Jagger who moved. He stepped farther into the living room but kept his back to Declan.

“Does your mother know Mitchell is married?” he heard Declan ask.

“She knows. She’s known from day one but she believes him every time he says he’s getting ready to leave his wife for her. In the beginning he needed to wait till his wife gave birth to their kid. Then it was waiting till the youngest kid was in high school, then college. His latest thing is he needs to retire first.”

“Why does he have it in for you?”

Jagger forced himself to turn around though he found it difficult to raise his gaze. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been unable to look another man in the eyes.

“Because I was always a threat…someone who knew his dirty little secret. He also knew I was trying to convince her to break things off with him so he kept pinning shit on me to drive a wedge between me and her.”

“Did she believe him?” Declan asked softly.

“She said she didn’t but I was never really sure. It had been just me and her for so long…anyway, when I was seventeen I threatened to tell his superiors. He lost it and came after me. He did this,” Jagger said as he trailed his fingers over the jagged scar on his cheek. “Beer bottle,” he added. “I thought for sure I had enough to get him out of our lives after that but he threatened to call Immigration and have my mother deported back to Greece if I said anything.”

“But if your mother’s been in this country since you were born-”

“She was too afraid to apply for citizenship after her work visa expired. The only family she had back in Greece had disowned her when they found out an American tourist had gotten her pregnant so she had nothing to return to. We moved around a lot until I was five and then settled here.”

“Your father?” Declan asked.

“He brought her over here when she told him she was pregnant but he didn’t want to marry her. He left her just before I was born and died in a car accident a year later. She named me Jagger because it was what he’d talked about naming me before he left her.”

“What happened with Mitchell?”

“I knew my mom wasn’t going to leave him and that she’d believe whatever lies he told her. I didn’t want to force her to choose between us so I dropped out of high school. The dyslexia made it hard for me to keep up with my classes and I knew I wasn’t going to graduate anyway, so I enlisted. The recruiter had a quota to fill so he lied about me having a diploma and the dyslexia. I only came home a half a dozen times in the past fifteen years. When Vin offered me a permanent role after we found Ren, I decided to give this place another try.”

Jagger finally managed to lift his gaze and was surprised to find that Declan had moved closer. He wanted so badly to reach for him that he had to clench his fists at his side.

“Why didn’t you call me when you were arrested today?”

“I didn’t want you to see me like that. I don’t ever want you to see me like that.”

“Like what?” Declan asked gently.

“Like a loser,” he admitted. He couldn’t help but drop his eyes again as he forced himself to say the name Frank Mitchell had so often referred to him as in front of his mother…the name she’d never openly refuted to her lover.

“Declan, I’m sorr-”

The last word never made it past his lips because Declan was suddenly kissing him. He groaned as Declan’s tongue slipped into his mouth and he couldn’t help but wrap his arms around Declan’s waist to keep him from retreating again. The kiss was slow and sweet and so very different from either of the two kisses they’d shared previously. It felt like Declan was worshipping him and he fucking loved it. It was all he could do to beg Declan not to stop this time but his words weren’t necessary because Declan’s hand wrapped around the back of his neck to hold him in place and Jagger knew in that instant that Declan wasn’t going anywhere.

Chapter 7

Declan backed Jagger up until he hit the wall and breathed a soft “yes” when Jagger’s hands palmed his ass. It felt so good to feel the life surging through Jagger once again after watching all of it seemingly drain away as he admitted the truth about Frank Mitchell and his mother. It didn’t surprise Declan one bit that Mitchell was an adulterer as well as an all-around bastard but to know what the cruel man had put Jagger through had enraged Declan. And that the man continued to wield his power over Jagger by using his mother’s immigration status against him was just mind boggling.

As Jagger’s hands coasted up his back, Declan closed his eyes and let Jagger take control of the kiss. But when he suddenly broke it off and held Declan back when Declan tried to push forward, Declan hesitated. Had he done something to turn him off? But a quick glance up at Jagger’s face told Declan everything he needed to know and horror went through him as he realized they were no longer alone. He turned and saw that Ren was watching them from the entryway to the kitchen.

“Ren,” he whispered stupidly as he dropped his hands from where they’d been resting on Jagger’s waist.

He couldn’t gauge the expression on Ren’s face as he looked back and forth between him and Jagger but the silence was unnerving.

“Ren,” Jagger started to say but Ren raised a hand as if to silence him and a chill went through Declan when Ren’s bright eyes came to rest on him. Ren had yet to speak but since Declan was at a complete loss for words, it didn’t matter at the moment.

Ren finally began moving and Declan was caught off guard when Ren didn’t stop until he was almost completely in Declan’s space. Their bodies were mere inches apart.

“Ren, I should have told you…” Declan began to say but Ren cut him off by placing his thumb over Declan’s lips. To his shock, the rough digit began slowly dragging back and forth over his lower lip as if testing the texture.

“Are they as soft as they look?” he heard Ren ask.

“Yes,” Jagger whispered, though his voice sounded even huskier than it usually did. “But you shouldn’t take my word for it.”

What the fuck? Declan opened his mouth to ask what was going on but the words died in his throat when Ren suddenly leaned forward and replaced his thumb with his lips. The kiss was soft and quick – a mere brush of one mouth against another, but it sent shockwaves through Declan’s entire system. And before he could even register that Ren had indeed just kissed him, it happened again. But where the first kiss had been chaste, this one was not. It was all consuming just like Jagger’s had been and he could only stand there as Ren’s tongue stroked over his for the first time. It felt so amazing that Declan had to lock his knees to stay upright and he let his eyes drift shut just so he wouldn’t be forced to wake up from what had to be the most spectacular dream of his entire life. And then it got better because he felt Jagger’s hard body lining up along his back and a pair of firm lips sought out the nape of his neck.

Declan’s whole body lit up as Jagger’s hands disappeared beneath his T-shirt and explored his back while Ren’s kiss grew more and more desperate. And then Declan did what he’d longed to do for so long – he took control of the kiss and plunged his tongue into Ren’s mouth. Ren’s whimpers of need were driving Declan insane and he wrapped his arms around Ren to keep him from backing away. But it was Ren who dragged him closer and began grinding against him. He was already so close to exploding that he knew it wouldn’t take much to send him over.

“Beautiful,” he heard murmured in his ear. “Fucking beautiful.” Jagger’s voice skittered over his skin and Declan bit back a moan when he felt blunt fingers disappearing beneath the waistband of his pants. Jagger’s touch was hot and hungry and when a long finger brushed his crack, Declan tore his lips free of Ren’s and reached behind him to drag Jagger’s head down for a searing kiss. A hand began rubbing his dick through his jeans and Declan was too far gone to figure out whose it was. And it didn’t matter because they were both giving him exactly what he’d needed for so long…what he’d been searching for his entire life. And then just like that his world came crashing down as a voice from the past reminded him that he couldn’t be this man – this man that Jagger and Ren would need him to be.

“I can’t,” he whispered as he pulled free of Jagger’s mouth and extricated himself from between the two hard bodies that had wrapped around him as if trying to protect him from the outside world. Jagger and Ren both released him, though they looked equally confused.

“Declan,” Jagger began to say.

Declan shook his head violently. “I can’t!” he shouted as his body grew cold inside.

Escape. He had to escape because even now he could see their questions and he knew that one more touch from either of them and he’d be unable to walk away. But instead of walking, he ran. And by the time his car reached the main road, the sounds of Ren shouting his name finally began to fade and he allowed the first tears to fall.

***

Declan’s fingers shook as he opened the motel room door but the sight of Zane sitting in his usual spot brought him absolutely no relief. But he forced the unnamed feeling that was rolling through him away and began tugging his T-shirt over his head. The drive back to the city from the cabin had done nothing to ease the feeling of loss that had overtaken him, so he’d called Zane from the road and asked him to meet him at their motel. As soon as he’d hung up the phone, a sour taste had permeated his mouth and a voice in his head had screamed at him to turn around. But he’d ignored it and continued on in the hopes that a few minutes with Zane would finally silence it.

Declan’s desperation grew as he fumbled with the snap on his holster and by the time he got the gun free and had placed it on the nightstand, he knew in his gut that nothing Zane did to him would relieve what was happening to him. A ragged sob escaped him and he covered his mouth with his hand in an attempt to stifle the next one. As he lowered himself to sit on the bed, he heard Zane shift in his chair.

“Sorry,” Declan whispered as he felt Zane come to a stop in front of him. To his shock, he felt Zane run his fingers through his hair. The comforting move was so unexpected that Declan closed his eyes and actually leaned into his touch.

“When are you going to stop punishing yourself, Declan?”

Before Declan could answer, someone pounded on the door so hard that it rattled against the frame. He felt Zane release him.

“Should I answer it?” Zane asked.

“Declan, open this God damn door or I’m going to open it myself!”

“Asked and answered,” Zane said dryly.

“Open it please,” Declan said as he forced his eyes open and dashed away the few tears that had begun to blur his vision. Zane gave him a concerned look and then went to the door and opened it. He seemed unsurprised when Jagger burst in, took one look at Declan’s damp face and grabbed Zane by the shirt and slammed him against the wall.

“What the fuck did you do to him?” Jagger snarled.

“Let me guess,” Zane quipped as he looked Jagger up and down and then glanced to where Ren stood in the doorway. “Jagger and Ren.”

“Jagger, let him go,” Declan said softly.

Jagger didn’t immediately release Zane, though his hold loosened somewhat when he seemed to realize that Declan wasn’t hurt. Ren moved past Jagger and Declan dropped his gaze when he saw the mix of betrayal and confusion in Ren’s eyes as he took in the scene. Warm fingers brushed under his chin and he allowed Ren to tip his head up so that their eyes met.

“Are you okay?” Ren asked gently.

Declan brought his fingers up to close around Ren’s wrist, but he didn’t try to remove the hand that was now caressing his cheek. He managed to nod and the move seemed to be what Jagger needed to finally release Zane.

“Out!” Jagger snapped at Zane but Declan wasn’t surprised when Zane didn’t move. Zane’s eyes shifted to his and Declan gave him a quick nod of ascent.

“Thank you, Zane,” Declan whispered. Although he and Zane would cross paths on occasion as a result of their day jobs, Declan knew that no matter what happened tonight, his and Zane’s liaisons were over. Zane left without another word and Jagger slammed the door behind him.

“How did you find me?” Declan asked as he reached for his T-shirt and pulled it over his head.

“I remembered this was one of the places you went the day I followed you. We decided to drive by on the way to your apartment just in case you were here and saw your car,” Jagger said. His anger was clear in his tone and in the way his body simmered with tension as he hovered near the door. Declan wondered if he was just trying to get himself under control or if he was half expecting Zane to come back into the room.

“Why did you leave?” Ren asked as he lowered his hand from Declan’s cheek and sat down on the bed next to him.

Declan dropped his head into his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. He’d been avoiding this moment his entire life but it hadn’t done any good. His body was done denying what it wanted and his brain wasn’t far behind.

“The cabin belonged to my grandfather. My parents traveled a lot when I was little so I spent almost every weekend there with my grandfather during the school year after my grandmother died when I was four. He taught me how to fish, hunt…everything. He was the only one I had until Sylvie came along.”

Pain wracked Declan’s body as images of his grandfather and Sylvie bombarded him. God, he missed them.

“I had trouble making friends in school and the kids used to pick on me because they thought I was weird. ‘Socially awkward’ the guidance counselor told my parents on one of the few times they actually made it to a parent-teacher meeting. My parents told me I should try harder to be normal like the other kids. My grandfather said I should tell the kids to fuck off,” Declan said. A small smile flitted across his lips as he remembered his grandfather’s gruff and endearingly simple declaration. He’d been so surprised to hear his grandfather using the F word that it had taken him a while to process that his grandfather was sticking up for him when his parents hadn’t.

“I worshipped him,” Declan whispered. “I didn’t even think twice about telling him I was attracted to boys instead of girls. I just expected him to tell me it would be okay…that I was okay.”

Ren’s warm hand began to rub up and down his back and Declan stifled the need to beg Jagger to touch him too. But words were unnecessary because Jagger’s hands came up to wrap around Declan’s and force them away from his face. Jagger’s fingers laced with his and Declan focused on the man who had squatted down in front of him.

“What happened?” Jagger asked softly.

“He told me it was wrong. That it was unnatural. He said I’d go to hell because God hated fags and that’s what I would be. He made me promise I wouldn’t ever act on it or mention it again. I was so afraid of losing him that I swore I wouldn’t. I hoped things would go back to the way they’d been, but he started making excuses that he was busy when I was supposed to go visit him. Whenever I did see him, he asked me if I was a queer.”

“How old were you?” he heard Ren ask.

“Thirteen,” Declan said. “He died just after I turned seventeen. When I found out he left me the cabin, I saw it as some kind of sign that he really did love me but I convinced myself I had to keep my promise. He was the only one besides Sylvie who’d ever really loved me but he hated that part of me so I decided to hate it too – to pretend it didn’t exist. So I never told anyone else, not even Sylvie, and I dated a few girls here and there when I started at the police academy. Then Sylvie got sick and it just didn’t seem important.”

Declan fell silent as he tried to regain control of his mottled breathing. Ren’s soothing touch continued and Jagger made no move to release him. And neither man pressed him to finish his story.

“After Sylvie got better, I went back to work and found out the officer I was assigned to train under was gay. His name was Mac and the other officers in the department used to say some pretty bad shit about him and treated him like dirt. I was afraid that by working with Mac that they would suspect I was gay too so I asked to be reassigned. My request was granted,” Declan said. Tears began to flow down his cheeks.

“I ran into Mac in the locker room the day my request came through. I was so embarrassed but he told me it was okay and that he understood. He told me he thought I was going to be a hell of a cop. That was the last time I saw him. He died that night in a shootout with some home invasion suspects because the backup he called for never showed up. The guys were joking about it the next day – they kept saying that the best kind of fag was the dead kind. Maybe if I hadn’t asked to get reassigned…”

“You were young and scared, Declan,” Jagger whispered. “It’s not your fault.”

“He had a boyfriend,” Declan said. “I saw him at the funeral. It was just him and me – Mac’s family had disowned him. I watched them lower his casket in the ground and I knew that if I ever said anything that that would be my future…Sylvie’s future. Me in a box and Sylvie standing alone over my grave.”

Declan reached up to wipe at his tears and a tissue was gently placed in his hand. “I wasn’t with another man for the first time until I was almost twenty-seven. I went down to a gay club in Portland and let some guy pick me up. After that I went to different clubs in different cities when I couldn’t deny the cravings. But the pressure of being discovered was too much so I stopped. I met Zane last year. He’s a defense attorney so we’d seen each other a few times in the courthouse and when he came to the precinct to meet with clients. He must have seen something in the way I looked at him because he confronted me one day in the parking lot – said we could give each other what we needed. He had as much to lose as I did so I agreed.”