Scarred Hearts (Blackrock) (19 page)
Walk away now asshole before you get your heart ripped out your ass again, I tell myself although I know I won't.
I pull into my mom's driveway just after midnight; I am tired, sore and devastated. I open the front door and listen; I don't hear her so I guess she is in bed. I crawl up to my room; it looks so different now, without me in it. Dropping my bag in the bathroom I go in search of my mom. I find her lying in her bed wide awake staring at the ceiling, "Mom" I say crawling in beside her, she puts her arms around me and kisses my head "Hi baby" she whispers, it breaks my heart to see her like this, we cry together until we fall asleep from exhaustion.
I wake up early, it takes me a few minutes to figure out where I am when it all comes rushing back. I look over to see mom sleeping so I slide out of the bed, she looks so small it's hard to believe. Making my way downstairs to the kitchen to make coffee when my phone beeps,
Dad: Just landed be there soon
Me: ok see you soon
I put on the coffee pot; go back upstairs to have a shower. When I come back down to the kitchen my mom is there "Hi mom" I give her a hug, she smiles a weak smile rubbing my arm. "Hi Bailey, I am happy you could come home" "That's ok mom, you know I spent the day with her yesterday" she looked over at me covering her moth with her hand "Oh Bailey" she begins to cry and I wrap my arm around her "It's ok mom, we will be ok".
Mom goes back to bed a little while later, I am trying to be strong for her but it's so hard, I can feel the blackness surrounding me again, I am so tired of loosing people, I am not sure I can do this. Laying my head on the table I cry, I can't stop the tears, I don't want to stop them. I need them to wash the darkness out of my heart to help heal the scars. I don't know how long I am there, when I hear the door open. Looking up I see my dad walk through into the house. I run over to him hugging him for dear life, "Dad" he hugs me tight, just holding me. This is happening too often in my life, too much loss, and too much sorrow.
I let dad go "Mom is in bed" I say wiping my eyes he nods at me then goes upstairs. I decide to go back to bed to see if I can sleep, lying there my mind is blank, I can picture my grandmother's face yesterday she looked good, we had a good day hanging out. I reach for my phone and flick through the pictures I took of us yesterday as my tears flow freely. Time plays tricks on me it stands still then it speeds up, I have lost all track of it, closing my eyes is all I can do to keep time on my side.
I wake up to darkness, the lights are out and the sky is black, getting out of bed I wrap my blanket around my shoulders and sit on my window seat. My solitary my way to see the world without really seeing it. I can see the sun peaking over the horizon, waiting to shine gloriously on the world while my world remains in the dark. If I turn my head to the left I can see the roof of Summers house my old sanctuary, a moment in time that seems a lifetime ago.
Hearing murmurs coming from the kitchen, I leave my blanket around my shoulders and go down stairs, "Hi" I say to my parents, it's weird seeing them in this kitchen, at that table again. I sit down and pour a coffee, dad tells me he has to arrange the funeral today so he will be gone for a few hours, and I nod then look at my mom. She looks worse than me, I can see each line on her face, and her eyes are puffy and bloodshot. She gets up and walks out without saying anything. "Dad, is she ok?" "No Bailey, not at the minute" I put my head down and can feel the tears pooling again, how can my body still produce tears after all the tears I have shed over the last six months. "I am going back to bed, I will see you when you get back" walking back up the stairs hurts, my legs need to move, I need to run but I can't, not right now maybe in a little while. I crawl back into bed, my phone beeps with a text, I stare at it sitting on the nightstand right there but too far to reach. I roll over as it beeps again and close my eyes.
I wake up some time later, my body is stiff and sore from lying in bed, I need to get up and move, my head is too heavy to lift up, letting my legs fall out of the bed I slowly maneuver my body to sit up. Checking the time on my phone, 1.30pm, I slide my thumb across the screen to check that message.
Paige: Hi we still on 4 lunch 2day
Me: Sorry, family emergency rain check?
I send the message then drag myself out of bed, I open my closet pulling out a tank and yoga pants. I slip on my running shoes and tie my hair up, my phones beeps again,
Paige: R U ok? Need me to come by?
Me: no thanks; I am back home in Grove. Will text when I get back there.
On my way out I stop into my mom's room to check on her, she is lying awake staring out of the window "Mom" she looks up at me, I sit on the side of her bed "I am going for a run, ok. I will have my phone if you need me" I smooth her hair off her face "Ok" she says and keeps staring through the window.
Stepping onto the front porch I can see life all around but feel nothing, it is a cool day; although the sun is shining there is a nice breeze. I start my run by going towards the high school, that is a quarter mile, then on through downtown rounding by the college and through the side fire road of the campus. I keep going just running, running to clear my mind, running away from my demons yet running in their layer.
I cut back through the campus taking the stairs leading from the football bleachers down into the reserve parking. I know this route so well; Summer and I used it to train for track. I come out of the lot, turning left to head home. My legs are on fire, my lungs are burning but my head is blissfully numb. I take a detour from the route to pass by Summers house, as I get close it looks the same as always but I know it never will be again.
My dad is back when I get home, I walk into the kitchen and get a bottle of water "Hi dad" he gives me a half smile "Hi sweetheart". "Did you get the funeral organized?" he sighs rubbing his jaw "Yeah its tomorrow, I spoke with your grandmothers attorney. She wants to be buried with your grandfather and the will to be read on Wednesday" "Ok" I kiss him on the cheek "Get a shower Bailey" I give a small laugh "I'm on it".
I step into the scalding water, it feels like thousands of needles piercing my skin easing the pain in my heart, I stay until my skin is pink and can't take any more punishment. I go from the shower to bed, I am not hungry it seems as though my appetite and vanished completely.
I turn off my phone leaving it on the nightstand, there is no one who could comfort me now, no one I want to be here, no one but Knox. I picture his face, his green emerald eyes, the way his hair falls into those eyes when he is on stage, his strong arms around my waist and his lips, the perfect shade of pink but in a manly way. I can remember the feel of his kiss, soft and tender at first then wanting laced with desire, I lay there in bed as tears trickle down my face, he is the only good thing that has happened to me lately but that too was taken away all to soon.
I close my eyes letting memories consume me and darkness overtake me allowing myself to think of him on hurts when I should be only thinking of my nan. It has been two days since my grandmother's funeral and the reading of her will. She had left my mom everything she owned except a trust fund for me to receive when I am twenty-five, she also left me a photo album of my whole life in pictures with her. My eyes hurt so much from all the crying, word got around town about my grandmother, she had many friends here and those who were still here came to her funeral.
Brad and his parents came by to see my mom; his parents and mine were in school together I stayed in my room away from him. I don't want to ever see him again. When they left I came into the living room to see my mom and dad "I am going to drive back to Blackrock today" I say to them "I can't miss anymore school"
My mom looks at me "Are you that spiteful you would leave me here again Bailey, Why can't you come home and go to school here liked you planned to?" she yells at me. I just look at her, I know her emotions are running high from my nan dying but she can't hide the venom in her voice over the fact that I left in the first place. "No Mom I can't, they don't do the program here that I am doing at BRU" I look at her to see if she understands me, she is shaking her head "You could change the program Bailey but no, Bailey wants to do what Bailey wants to do, never mind anyone else" she swings her arms "That's not true" I shout back "Oh yes it is, you are spiteful and you hurt people on purpose. Go back to school, go on get out and don't come back you are a spiteful little girl who will never love anyone but yourself"
I run out of the room tears streaming down my face, in my bedroom I pull out my large roller bag and pack every last item of clothing I own. I bring it to my car, I can hear my parents arguing but I don't care. I go back to my room and bring the few boxes I left behind a few moths ago to my car too, making sure I have everything I get in and drive away with rivers of tears streaming down my face and another scar to add to my already scarred broken heart.
Knox
It's been a week since I have seen or heard from Bailey, I'm getting worried, her phone just goes to voicemail all the time. Sitting in the kitchen of the bar I try to call her one more time, voicemail again. Shit, what the heck is going on surly she could not be that pissed off about Red at my table for this long. Max walks in "Hey you gonna sing tonight?"
I am not in the mood to sing I just want to find her, "Max, I don't get it she just disappeared" running my hands through my hair I squeeze my eyes shut. "Yeah it's weird, bro I usually see her on Tuesday's on the quad but not this week, did you call her?"
I rub my face "Yes Max, of course I fucking called her, a hundred times" I take a few deep breaths "Sorry bro, I'm just worried" Max claps me on the shoulder "I know you are Knox, but she will turn up. If not we will go look for her and drag her cute ass back here" laughing I push him out of the room "Stop looking at my girls ass" I say to him smiling, "Ha! Yeah right, you should be happy that I approve, now get up on stage I will be up later to blow you out of the water with my mad guitar skills".
The bar is full again, my uncle has built up a good reputation in the last two years, since Max and I arrived we changed a few things, adding Friday live music, karaoke on Saturday and sports on Sunday. We draw a decent crowd every weekend most people are regulars who like to come out to relax for the weekend and forget about class. The band is hyped tonight as well Max finally gets to play again now that uncle George is back and he has Lucy the waitress who never stops moaning about her feet but right now I don't care, Max and I are killing it, I didn't realize how much I missed him on stage with me. We play one of our favorite sets and have the whole bar rocking out and drinking. When we are done both Max and I are smiling still buzzing from the adrenaline, "Man bro, that was awesome" Max shouts, I laugh at him "Yeah it was, its good to have you back" "Hell yeah, told you now lets get a drink".
We all migrate to the bar although it's closing time uncle George gives us all a beer, "Sounded good tonight boys, real good" he says while counting out the cash. My uncle is my mom's brother he knows she thought us how to play and that's the only reason he let's us is because he said, we remind him of his sister. We are all talking and joking around until we hear a door slam, every head at the bar turns around, "Oh Hi" Paige waves "Sorry the lock on the ladies room was jammed, I was stuck in there for ten minutes, I had to break it" she shrugs looking scared.
Uncle George waves his hand in the direction of the bathroom door "Knox" he says, so that means I have to fix it. "I'll get it bro" Max says, both my uncle and I look at him then each other. My uncle smiles and shakes his head; I shrug my shoulders because Max offering to do work is quite rare. I see him take Paige back to the bathroom to "Show him" what happened. Now I get it, man I am getting slow I should have known Max had an ulterior motive.
Max & Paige
"So what happened?" I ask her, Man I have been wanting to talk to her since that first night her and Bailey came in. "Oh, I locked it then it wouldn't open so I had to kick the lock" I smile looking at her looking sheepish. "No problem, I'll fix it" I smile at her and she pulls her full bottom lip between her teeth. Oh man, that shit is turning me on, I cough to break the silence as her phone beeps. It's probably that tool she is dating, I wonder if he ever told her Knox beat his ass. I smile remembering that night, that dude was such a pussy. "Finally" she says as she reads the message. She looks over "Oh sorry, its Bailey" she waves the phone, I stop what I am doing to find out what's up "She said she just got back into town, I have been texting her all week".
"Why? What's going on with her?" I ask trying to get any information I can "We were supposed to have lunch last Monday but she cancelled, said she had to go back home, some family emergency" "So she is back now?" I ask her, Paige smiles "Yeah just now, it's after 2am. She must have been driving late, that's like a four hour drive to Grove from here" I nod "Yeah it is"
"Ok then lets get out of here, I can fix the lock tomorrow. Are you ok to get home by yourself?" I ask her, she nods "I just have to cut through campus". "Yeah, it's late and dark I'll walk you if you like?" my heart is pounding hoping she will say yes "Sure thanks". I smile back, and then we head into the bar.
Knox is the only one there when I walk out of the restroom, "Give me a minute so I grab my jacket" I say to Paige, on my way behind the bar I nod to Knox for him to follow me. We reach the kitchen, I shrug on my jacket "Hey man Bailey is back" I tell him "What? What do you mean back" he asks, I relay what Paige told me he barley lets me finish when he grabs his jacket and helmet, I slap him on the back "Go get your woman bro" He nods then races out to his bike.
I find Paige standing by the front door waiting for me "Ready?" I say, she smiles and nods.
******
I arrive home just after two in the morning I am over tired. I pull my roller bag into the kitchen dropping it in the middle of the floor. I go to release my good friend Jack form his hiding place in the back of the cupboard, I see the milk I left out last week sitting on the counter opening the lid I tip it upside down into the drain and leave it to empty.