Science...For Her! (31 page)
Sexy or Skanky?
FLOWER EDITION
There is a very fine line between sexy and skanky in the flower world. Don’t catch yourself stepping over the line!
ROSE: |
|
So classic, so elegant, so fun, so flirty! The rose has rarely if ever made a fashion misstep. |
| CROCUS: |
C’mon, pull yourselves together, crocuses! You’re just asking for it by dressing like that!! |
DAISY: |
|
Sunny like a summer’s day with just a little innocent petal showing! Daisies truly understand that it’s what you |
| ORCHID: |
Pull something on over that long stem, you big slut! Orchids are basically vaginas on a fishing rod! Eww! |
LILY: |
|
Perfect symbol of sweetness. A lily on the streets and an orchid in the sheets! |
| LILY OF THE VALLEY: |
See, this is what I’m telling you. VERY fine line. Lilies = sexy. Lilies of the VALLEY = skanky as heck. What kind of a |
Flowers are an amazing form of human confabulation as well. Holy crap, ladies—I finally used
confabulation
in a sentence! I have a word-a-day calendar and that was today’s word! Well, not today. That was a word from last June, but I haven’t been able to use it in a sentence until today. It’s pretty rough because I haven’t known what day it was since June 14, which is the day that I first got
confabulation
. I get to finally turn the page!! Let’s see . . . June 15 is . . .
salivate
. Fuck.
Yes, so flowers are a great way of
confabulating
, or communicating. A bouquet from a boy can say as many varied things as “Happy birthday,” “Let’s do it backwards tonight,” and “I stole this bouquet from a Ralph’s, see, the tags are still on.”
FIG. 4.6
If you’re wearing a sundress that has a flower on it, a boy usually knows that you’re nasty as f.
FIG. 4.6
“Speaking” of communication (fpun [fun-pun] intended), I just can’t say enough good things about flowers. They’re admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, beauteous, bewitching, charming, classy, comely, cute, dazzling, delicate, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, excellent, exquisite, fair, fascinating, fine, foxy, good-looking, gorgeous, graceful, grand, handsome, ideal, lovely, magnificent, marvelous, nice, pleasing, pretty, pulchritudinous, radiant, ravishing, refined, resplendent, shapely, sightly, splendid, statuesque, stunning, sublime, superb, symmetrical, taking, well formed, and wonderful. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I am just trying to use as many words as I, Megan Amram, possibly know so that I, Megan Amram, the author of this book,
FIG. 4.7
can kill (i.e., murder, assassinate) as many trees as possible.
FIG. 4.7
Geology is the science of solid earth, the
rocks
of which it is composed, and how they change. Rocks remind me of one of my favorite song lyrics: “My name is Kiiiiiiiid Rock!!!” (I forget who sang it???)
Rocks aren’t just gross dirt clods—they’re also gemstones! I’m talking
DIAMONDS
! You might know diamonds from the anonymous quote:
“SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND! My name is Rihanna!”
Diamonds are formed when the carbon in
coal
is compressed and heated under very high pressure and temperature. All diamonds begin as coal. Neil Diamond was named Neil Coal until he was like thirty-seven.
You may have heard about
conflict diamonds
, also known as
blood diamonds
. These refer to diamonds mined in war zones and sold to finance insurgencies, in places like
Sierra Leone
and
Liberia
and other
African countries
. Sorry to be TMI, but: I love them!!! Not African countries, silly—blood diamonds! Honestly, I find that blood diamonds often have a much prettier sheen than non-blood diamonds. Something about the guns that are going off murdering people around them seems to make the diamonds sparklier. Maybe I’m imagining it, but I don’t think so! Like I’ve always said, BLOOD diamonds are a girl’s BLOODST FRIEND!
Good Name for Tiffany’s Vag I Just Thought of
“Blood Diamond”