Science...For Her! (27 page)
Whether or not the government has secretly been using time travel already as its own fun little secret (ooh, “Fun Little Secret,” another good name for a vagina!), you’re going to want to jump on this bandwagon ASAP as soon as it’s available.
Time travel is the perfect accessory for us ladies. First of all, time travel is a great way to lose weight. If you travel back in time to when you were a baby, you’ll be like a size negative 6! Also, Xander won’t have broken up with you if you’re a baby. And then you can rewin him back. Because you’ll be as skinny as a baby. Tell Xander he can touch the soft spot on your head with his wiener or something.
Plus, think of all the fun things that will have been invented to buy and do in the
future
!
New Year’s Resolutions
for
Year 3014
Lose fifteen pounds from your problem areas (hips, space-boobs, vestigial face)
Spend more time with your government-rationed .452 of a son or daughter
Take the family on a trip to
www.nature.com
Volunteer at your local chapter of the White People Remembrance League (white people have been extinct since 2021; you are an exotic mixture of brown and Asian and Google Glass)
Pray to the Mother Goddess Zooey Deschanel, who first displayed her omnipotent god powers at the 2016 People’s Choice Awards by raising Eleanor Roosevelt from the dead and giving her bangs
Learn moon-French
Vote for Zooey Deschanel in the 3012 People’s Choice Awards as “Best Deity,” “Only Deity,” and “˜*˜Kewlest˜* Bangs”
Buy a new Moon Bounce (here on the moon we just call them “Bounces”)
Get promoted from “slave to Zooey Deschanel” to “human sacrifice to Zooey Deschanel” (lateral promotion)
Organize your thirty-seven space-boobs by type (normal, brown, formal, or Chicago style)
I just want to apologize quickly. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I feel like I’ve been really judgmental of your weight all through this chapter so far. I think I must be projecting, because I’ve actually gained more than one hundred pounds over the writing of this chapter.
FIG. 3.6
I think the Xander stuff is finally
really
hitting me, and I’ve been eating a lot. I’ve eaten like thirty of those stripper cakes, including the one I couldn’t pop out of. Whenever someone would ask me to jump out of a stripper cake, I’d just slowly eat my way out until there was nothing left. I’m big enough (pun intended ;)) to admit that I’ve been a bad best friend. Love you, gals!!!
