Science...For Her! (12 page)
Oops, what a SEXY TYPO! ;) I call those “sexpos,” which is short for “sexpographical error.” Feel free to use “sexpographical error” as part of your daily sexicon (“sexually charged lexicon”). Here’s a cheat sheet to remember the difference between organisms and orgasms!
FIG. 1.20
FIG. 1.20
ORGANISMS
vs
.
ORGASMS
ORGANISMS: | ORGASMS: |
are any contiguous living system (such as animal, fungus, microorganism, or plant). | are the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension during the sexual response cycle, resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region and characterized by sexual pleasure. |
FEMALE ORGASMS: | FEMALE ORGANISMS: |
exist. | don’t exist (MORE ON THIS LATER). |
Breaking news: animals are cute. The method of naming and classifying the animal kingdom is called
taxonomic hierarchy
. The hierarchy is as follows, from largest to smallest:
Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus,
and
Species
. There are a lot of fun (and flirty!) mnemonic ways to remember the sequence of the taxonomic hierarchy. One of the most popular ones is
King Phillip Came Over From Great Spain.
Now, I don’t want to be too gossipy, but let’s just say that’s not the only thing King Phillip
Came Over!
;) And here’s a fun one I just made up:
Kiss Penis-Cocks On Full Gag Speed.
That’s also a good mnemonic to remember how to properly give (pardon my French) fellatio! I really apologize for the crudeness of the mnemonic, but it’s the only way to remember. NEVER FORGET! I didn’t make that phrase up, I stole it from 9/11. :)
Get back on track, Meg! No one has ever called me Meg, but that’s my nickname for myself when I have to give myself a slap on the wrist. “Finish your chapter, Meg!” “Go to spin class,
Meg!” “Stop peeing in the bed when you’re drunk, Meg!” “You don’t know me, Meg, I’m going to pee wherever I want.” “Meg, I’m sorry, but you are just being out of line.” “That’s it, Meg, I’m going to pee on you.” And then I wet my pants and go to bed. Animals are an amazing part of the world we live in. My favorite animal is the fly, because its name is what it does.
Animals are so lucky, they get to wear animal prints at all times! Take a look at this little feature, the most fun animal prints.
Most Fun Animal Prints
Zebra
Marissa
Tiger
There are so many animals that it’s going to be hard to cover everything, but I’m going to try to get all the really important kit-kits and fishies in there!
OMG, there are SO MANY GOOD ONES ON LAND!! Um, ever heard of lions? Deer, much?
OMG, while I was writing the “land animals” section I TOTALLY FORGOT I had this treat coming up!! And then now this is like a fun surprise! It’s like when you leave five bucks in your skinny jeans from last season and then you put them on again and you have the five bucks in your pocket and you also lost a little weight so they look
amazing
and you love
love
!
My favorite air animals are birds!!!
Fishies, whale-ies, sharkypoos! Also, tadpoles! OMG!
The time was late 1831. The place was England. Let me take you back: there was tea in the kettle, the 1832 calendars were coming out and going on sale for next year, slaves were at an all-time high, 1831 calendars were at an all-time low!
A young man named Charles Darwin was sailing around the Galapagos Islands in a boat called the HMS
Beagle
(how cute is THAT, a hot twenty-two-year-old in a boat called the
BEAGLE
!) and he observed that the cute little
finches
(oh my God, this is too cute!!!! brb I have to go JERK OFF) had developed changes that made them better suited to their environments, called
adaptations
(FYI, back! Got a quick jerk sesh in! Thought about fat Val Kilmer the whole time, how weird is that!).
Darwin realized that those birds more suited to the Galapagos environment were more likely to survive and pass their genes and traits on to their offspring. This is called
natural selection
and is a huge part of
biological evolution
. If a species doesn’t change, it becomes
extinct
, like the dinosaurs or huge seventies bushes. Like, here’s an example. Girls that are shaved clean in their DOWNTOWN DISNEY like a newborn baby with
alopecia
(disease where all your hair falls out—sign me up, please, no more waxing, baby! Do I make you horny, baby!! ;)) are more likely to
mate
and then pass on their genes than girls with big ol’ tufts of hair. Then the shaved girls’ babies will all be shaved as well because they’ll have inherited the trait, and then the species will have
evolved
to all have hairless Beasts of the Southern Wild (vaginas).
This fun magazine chart will help your lady-brain grasp the concept of evolution!
FIG. 1.21
FIG. 1.21
Evolution of Bushes
CAVEMAN BUSH
Covered the whole body. Was less of a bush and more of a grassland.
MEDIEVAL BUSH
Covered entire lower body. Sometimes you would look down there and you would just have whole turkey legs caught in your bush. And then you could eat it at a later feast.
ROARING TWENTIES BUSH
Bushes—and skirts—were shorter. Sometimes the bush would poke out below the fringe of the flapper skirts.
EARLY TWO THOUSANDS BUSH
George W. BUSH! Haha, just a little political humor for ya! Not only did Bush leave in 2008, but BUSHES left in 2008!
GAME OF THRONES BUSH (CIRCA 2014)
Has since reverted back to Medieval Bush but with Tofurky legs.