Science...For Her! (10 page)
FIG. 1.12
Differences between
VIRUSES
and
BACTERIA
and
EX-BOYFRIENDS
Viruses and bacteria and ex-boyfriends can be easily mixed up. Viruses are simpler than bacteria and aren’t made of cells. They take over other cells to reproduce. Bacteria are fully prokaryotic cells. Ex-boyfriends are similar to viruses in that they take over other organisms and use their husks for their own means until the original host organism is moribund and dying. Ex-boyfriends also resemble bacteria in that they cause syphilis.
FIG. 1.13
Can you recognize these stars from their
HIGH SCHOOL PHOTOS?
Stars had to go to high school, just like us! See if you can recognize these famous celebrities from their early days!
ANSWERS
1.
Angelina Jolie!
Angie is barely recognizable as a tenth grader at Beverly Hills High School! Good thing this ugly duckling turned into a swan!
2.
Daniel Day-Lewis!
Even this young, you can recognize the future talent in his expressive features.
3.
Cameron Diaz!
Not pointing any fingers, but it looks like
someone’s
had a little work done since then . . .
4.
Ted Kaczynski!
It’s very disturbing to look at this early picture of a killer and truly see the evil radiating from within as early as high school.
Since it’s distracting to bring up a homophone of one of women’s favorite things without showing them, I will start off this section with a treat—a glossy page chock full of photos of beautiful jeans!
Phew! I’m glad we got that out of the way! Jesus, I’ve got the jean sweats! I’m covered in the sour nectar of the sweats that I get when I look at great jeans. I smell like a 7-Eleven meatball sub filled with rotten Starburst.
How to Quickly Clean Up After the
JEAN SWEATS
Always carry a cloth or handkerchief on the off chance that you run into one or more pairs of jeans that excite you. If you really like jeans, carry injectable Botox at all times. If you pass, say, a display of designer jeans on sale (CODE RED!), you can subtly inject your armpits behind a mannequin. No more sweats! And DEFINITELY ALWAYS CARRY A MEATBALL SUB. This way you can blame the smell on the meatball sub, and not your sweats!
Genetics
has to do with how living things inherit traits from their parents. This transmission happens through
genes
. Genes use
DNA
(short for
deoxyribonucleic acid
, what a mouthful! And we all know what to do with mouthfuls, right, ladies? That’s right—SWALLOW!!) to transmit traits. For example, my mom is, like, totally amazing and, through DNA, I totally inherited all the best parts of her.
FIG. 1.14
When a cell starts to replicate, the DNA strand (which is made of two strands curled around each other in a shape called a
double helix
) unzips. And if that DNA strand gains weight over the winter, maybe it will never be able to
rezip
again! That always happens to me over the holidays! I mean, there’s cookies, eggnog, Communion wafers—how am I not going to gain weight? Body of Christ? More like Body of
Carb-st
! (NOTE: I am a Jew, but I often attend Catholic Mass services to closet-eat, since none of my liberal Jew gal pals will ever catch me. Only
my Catholic best friend, Mary Katherine, who loves 2 pray with/for me. I cannot get enough of those wafers.
FIG. 1.15
GODDAMMIT! Why do you think Mary stayed a virgin? Because she was so fat from those fucking wafers! Mary, you virgin bitch!!)
Don’t wait for Mother’s Day to thank your mom. She might have decided she doesn’t like you by then because you’re younger and she is constantly reminded of who she never was and what she never did because of having to raise you or whatever. Mother-daughter relationships are very complicated.
Her smile!
The way she loves life!
Her new husband, Max! Boy, is he classically handsome.
The way she’s always out of the house for a couple hours every day but Max is there!
I love you new daddy Max ;)