Science...For Her! (6 page)
BiologyHow to Build a Biological Clock out of a Potato
This Spring’s Most Glamorous Ways to Die
Single-Celled Orgasms . . . Excuse Me, That’s Organisms! Oops, My Bad! ;)
OMG, we’re really doing it—the science part!! Oh my G, this is just too fun! I knew this was a fun project, but I had no idea it would be this fun, and
easy
. I’m taking a selfie right now of me writing the first few real lines of my book!!
FIG. 1.1
FIG. 1.1
If only my ex-boyfriend Xander could see me
actually
writing a science textbook
, he would just
die
. You know what, I’m going to text him this photo. I deleted his number after we “broke up,” but I had memorized it. Trick: it’s easy to memorize a ten-digit number when you have it tattooed on your knuckles! Who’s got the last laugh now, Xand?!
Just want to stop and check in for a second— how am I doing? In terms of the science book, but also in terms of our friendship. Do you like me? I’ve always gotten along better with boys, so it’s a little hard for me to make friends with women sometimes. I’m not one of those girls who’s into drama and gossip. Like my best friend Miranda, who, in all confidence (DO NOT TELL A SOUL), just had her
seventh
miscarriage (though everyone knows she’s lying, let’s just say she has been “pro-choice” seven times). I just don’t relate to gossipy girls like that!
Okay. Let’s
do this
. Biology comes from the Greek
bios-logia
, which, loosely translated, means “biology.”
. . . YES! We’re IN IT NOW, GALS! You know what else comes from Greece? Feta cheese and hot guys. I spring breaked (spring broke??) in Mykonos in 2009. And let’s just say Theoros left me with a little souvenir feta cheese (yeast infection). Science!
Biology is the study of life. Life is all around you if you haven’t noticed, stupid-dummy! I’m sorry—that was woman-on-woman hate, and I do not condone that. It just slipped out of me. I must be jealous of you. You do have nice bangs. I truly apologize. :( (You are my best friend.) (Bitch.) (What is going on with me? I am the bitch. I must have PMS.) Which segues nicely to the next section . . .
I’m obviously going to start a science textbook for women with the most important science there is: reproduction. Let’s see . . . how can I put this in a way that you ladies will understand . . . PUTTING THE HOT DOG IN A BUN. DRIVING THE TRAIN THROUGH THE TUNNEL. BATTERING THE PARSNIP AT THE STATE FAIR. BURYING THE BONE-IN RIBEYE IN A TRIBECA GRAVEYARD. RIDING THE SKIN BUS TO TUNA STREET, MASSACHU-TITS. CHECKING THE PUSSY OIL IN THE VOLVO CROSSCOUNTRY. GLAZING THE DONUT WITH SPERM-ANENT GLUE. DEEP DICK SOUP. DOING THE MOMMY-DADDY GANGNAM STYLE.
. . . Gals, if you haven’t figured it out already: I’m talking peen in veen! You know: SCREWING THE LIPSTICK BACK INTO THE LIPSTICK TUBE.
FIG. 1.2
TAKING THE ONE-EYED VINCENT VEIN GOGH TO THE OPTOMETRIST. DECLARING A WIENER AS A DEPENDENT ON YOUR TAX RETURN.
Sorry, I can barely get through this without making a double-entendre-style euphemism! I’m talking let’s talk about sex, baby. Those are two different topics: “sex” and “baby.” We’ll start with sex. Sex begins when you let a boy—or a man, because come on, girls, hold yourselves to a higher standard!—put a wiener in your body. In humans, once the corn dog (or “penis”) has been battered (or “wiggled around and exploded like a snail in a microwave”), a tiny nugget of a baby is planted in the woman’s uterus (or “uterus”). Sperm, that stuff that normally goes on your chest or face, can go into your vagina (“Hurt Locker”) and combine with eggs that are inside of you. Yes, you have millions of eggs inside of you at all times—many of them human! Unless you’re old and have gone through menopause, and if that’s the case, what are you doing reading this book? You should be spending the golden dusk of your life marrying your dressmaker dummy and bedazzling your AARP card! Bu-BYE, OLD MAID! Don’t let the door hit your sagging ass on the way out!
FIG. 1.2
Only one sperm can fertilize one egg and that makes a baby. Babies are then constructed piece by piece. First their arms (two, if possible! It’s easier to wear blouses that way!). Then legs (same, aiming for two, pants usually need two, skorts are a bit more forgiving). A taut little stomach (let’s hope your baby loses that baby weight quickly!). Then the other body parts that we’ll fully discuss in the ANATOMY chapter. Then your baby gets a tiny wiener (“baby carrot”) or tiny v-eener (“mini-clam piñata”). But before any of that can happen, the baby has to be started through the fertilization process.
FIG. 1.3
Here are some fun ways to spice up fertilization! Utilize the female body to make your next bout of sex with your guy absolutely mind-blowing!
When he’s close to the moment, surprise him by releasing an ovum into your fallopian tubes!
The next time you’re on top, try attaching the embryo to your uterine wall. You’ll be moaning in near agony (in nine months)!
At the exact moment that a sperm enters the wall of the ovum and meiosis begins, stick your finger in his butthole!
As soon as you feel the
glans
of the penis skim the front of the
cervix
as he exits you after
fertilization
, stick your finger in his butthole!
To surprise your man while he’s making you eggs the next morning, go up behind him while he’s cooking in the kitchen and stick your finger in his butthole! While it hasn’t been definitively proven to affect fertility, it’s still a great place to put your finger!