Science...For Her! (2 page)

I dedicate this book to my best friends: Carly (my first best friend), Michelle (my best friend on long winter nights), Ali (my best friend when I’m super wasted), Nicki (my best friend when I’m sober, sometimes a girl’s gotta rest so she can recharge and party more!), Ashley (my best friend when I’m with a famous person because she’s way uglier than me so the famous person pays more attention to me), Katie (my best friend who loves Céline Dion so much it’s crazy), Candy (my best friend when I have freckles), Kate (my best friend when my lupus flares up), Ellen (my best friend at 4:20
P.M.
, if you know what I mean ;)),
FIG. 0.1
Miranda

FIG. 0.1

(my best friend who just had her
seventh
“miscarriage” but DO NOT TELL HER I TOLD YOU), Eliana (my best friend in synagogue), Mary (my best friend in Mass), Chloe (my best friend on every other weekend, I split custody with her other best friend Mel), Olive (my best friend when we’re reading Sartre), Mel (my best friend who I get to gossip about Chloe with),
FIG. 0.2
Amanda (my best friend when we’re watching pro baseball), Jordan (my best friend who’s so beautiful even though she’s mixed race), Esther (my best friend who’s my mom’s best

FIG. 0.2

friend), Davida (my best friend who’s Jewish), Mandy (my best friend when we’re drinking LaCroix sparkling water, check it out online or in stores), Alexis (my best friend who like only wears rompers what’s with that?), Carrie (my best friend who gets really jealous of how much I love Rachael Ray), Rachael Ray (I love you babe), Tiffany (my best friend who basically stole my boyfriend in the Lava Tube Caves), Heidi (my best friendwhen I want to feel fat, she is so skinny and perfect!), Minnie (my best friend who’s literally a beautiful flower), Mary Katherine (my best friend in Catholic Mass when I’m closet-eating Communion wafers), Kristina (my best friend whose mom is dead RIP Nora), Nora (my best friend who’s a dead mom),
FIG. 0.3
Reverse Cowgirl (my best friend

FIG. 0.3

who is a sex move), Raita (my best friend who was my ex-boyfriend’s tattoo teacher),
Marie Claire
(my best friend who is a magazine and a general composite of what the magazine industry sees as every modern woman),
FIG. 0.4
Clara (my best
frenemy
, she’s a goddamn bitch, love ya, babe!), Adele (my best friend who may have committed vehicular manslaughter, innocent till proven guilty, bitch), Aisha (my best friend with the most best friends), Katja (my best friend from 1992–95, fuck that bitch), Lauren (my best friend

FIG. 0.4

whose titties look like mosquito bites), Claire-Marie (my best friend who has this amazing cuff bracelet, you should see it), Kathleen (my best friend who’s Asian but like a cool Asian), Crystal (best friend to do meth with), Crystal Glass (other best friend to do meth with), Christina (other best friend to do meth with), Tina (other best friend to do meth with), Cris (other best friend to do meth with), Cristy (other best friend to do meth with), Ice (other best friend to do meth with), Getgo (other best friend to do meth with), G (other best friend to do meth with), Trash (other best friend to do meth with), Super Ice (other best friend to do meth with), LA Glass (other best friend to do meth with), LA Ice (other best friend to do meth with), Ice Cream (other best friend to do meth with), Quartz (other best friend to do meth with), Chunky Love (other best friend to do meth with), Cookies (other best friend to do meth with), No Doze (other best friend to do meth with), Pookie (other best friend to do meth with), Rocket Fuel (other best friend to do meth with), Scooby Snax (other best friend to do meth with), Rebecca (my best friend who is a drug counselor who tried to help me quit meth—nice try but no cigar, Becs!), Marissa (my best friend who I may or may not have kissed in college), Carla (my best friend who I thought was my boyfriend but was actually a woman),
FIG. 0.5
Ella (my best friend when we’re checking out the seniors at the local summer camp), Aubrey (my best friend whose blood type is B negative), Lily (my best friend who’s a Queen Bitch judgette), Bridget (my best friend

FIG. 0.5

who has a beautiful soprano singing voice), Sofia (my best friend who has a beautiful mezzo-soprano singing voice), Grace (my best friend when we’re buying capes online), Hannah (my best friend when we’re buying capes in stores), Amelia (my best friend on my cheat day),
FIG. 0.6
Arianna (my best friend who blogs), Harper (my best friend who’s a sugar baby), Lillian (my best friend who would buy condoms for boys who didn’t want to sleep with her), Charlotte T. (my best friend with a million siblings), Charlotte A. (my best friend with super curly hair), Charlotte M. (my best friend named Charlotte, sorry Charlottes T. and A.!), Evelyn (my best friend when I want to be head bitch for a change), Victoria (my best friend with a “secret” and the secret’s chlamydia! Just

FIG. 0.6

playing with you, Vick, but for real she does have it), Brooklyn (my best friend when I’m in Manhattan), Zoe (my best friend when we’re on a juice cleanse), Layla (my best friend when we’re on a beef-stew cleanse),
FIG. 0.7
Hailey (my best friend who looks so young because she still wears pigtails), Leah (my best friend who nailed which black blazer looks best on her body type), Kaylee (my best friend who believes that JFK was killed by a single shooter, what a fucking idiot), Riri (my best friend who gonna be in the Bee), Gabriella (my best friend who has no limbs and I honestly don’t know how or why), Alison (my best friend