Science...For Her! (9 page)
You should have babies!
FIG. 1.10
FIG. 1.10
Cells are the basic unit of structure in every living thing, from your mom Michelle to my aunt Michelle (OMG, babe—we’re cousins!). Cells were first discovered by Robert Hooke in 1665, who looked at cork under a microscope and thought that it looked like it was made of cute little bubbles, how fun, what girl doesn’t like a lavender bubble bath now and again! Then he took the bottle of chardonnay that the cork came out of and poured himself a chilled glass of white wine, which led later scientists to believe he was a homosexual. Ladies, a tip: if your man drinks white wine, he’s probably gay. If he drinks red wine, on the other hand, he’s probably . . . gay. All men are gay! Ugh!
FIG. 1.11
Cells
are sacs of fluid that are reinforced by proteins. They’re held together with
membranes
. Without cells, you would just break apart in a gush of chemicals that would just goosh onto the floor and then no one would ever ask you to prom or to get married because you’d just be a smush of chemicals that just blooshed everywhere and you’d have no boobs to grab onto. Basically you’d look like Kristina did after she watched
Nights in Rodanthe
the first time!! OMG what a mess was she! Kristina has been one of my best friends for crazy long. I later found out that her mom had just found a malignant melanoma (see CANCER section) on her upper thigh so that was kinda more why she was crying a lot. I kept telling her that if you get skinny enough you won’t even HAVE an upper thigh to get cancer on but that just seemed to make her cry more. Anyway, I think Kristina liked the movie!
Featured Sex Moves
SIDE NOTE: “Knights in Rodanthe” is this chapter’s featured
Science . . . for Her!
sex move! We will be highlighting one move per chapter for you ladies to try to keep your love (or
lust
!) lives aflame! Knights in Rodanthe is where six or more men with swords bang you at Medieval Times after you change your name to Rodanthe.
FIG. 1.11
What Your
MAN’S DRINK SAYS ABOUT HIM
If he drinks:
WHITE WINE
He is:
GAY
If he drinks:
MARTINIS
He is:
GAY
(Olives come in salads, and salads = VERY GAY.)
If he drinks:
COSMOPOLITANS
He is:
GAY
If he drinks:
RED WINE
He is:
GAY
If he drinks:
SCOTCH & SODA
He is:
GAY
(Men wear skirts in Scotland.)
If he drinks:
MALE SEMEN
He is:
GAY
(Semen contains sperm that will end up being human males at some point after fertilization and therefore they have little tiny dicks, so when your man is drinking male semen he’s actually sucking a million tiny dicks. This is almost as gay as salad.)
Nothing’s smaller than cells! SUH-SUH-SUH-CELLLSSSSS WICKA WICKA BOWWWWWWW B-B-B-BOWWWW! That’s a dubstep song about cells I just made up for you chic chicks.
FIG. 1.12
Cells are made up of things that are smaller than cells, but those things can’t function on their own, so technically a cell is still the smallest part of life. There are two main types of cells.
Eukaryotes
are cells that have nuclei (a
nucleus
is the center of a cell) with tiny organs within them. Eukaryotes include plants, animals, and fungi. Conversely,
prokaryotes
don’t have nuclei and are the lowest level of cells. These include bacteria and EX-BOYFRIENDS!!!!
FIG. 1.13
