Science...For Her! (11 page)
FIG. 1.14
FIG. 1.15
You know how sometimes you buy a ton of stuff at Costco? Well, when your parents’ DNA mixes, it’s combined through
chromosomes
. Chromosomes are large bundles of DNA and genes all clumped together, like a lot of toilet paper at Costco. If your ’giner was the size of .000001 of the head of a pin, you could use a chromosome as a dildo. Sperm and eggs (you know—TADPOLES AND LILY PADS. DOTS AND DASHES IN MORSE CODE. SQUIGGLY EYEBROWS AND DIPPIN’ DOTS) only have half of the necessary chromosomes for human cells. When they do their sexy dance, they combine all the chromosomes you need. You get some from your mom and some from your dad, which is why you are a mixture of traits from your two parents. Like, for me, I get my smile from my mom and my vestigial penis from my dad. I thought it was a twin until I was like twenty-three! I’m planning on getting it removed next year. You gotta treat yourself sometimes. :)
FIG. 1.16
Your parents’ genes combining are why there are no other people exactly like you. Unless you’re an identical twin, which happens when an egg fertilized by a sperm splits into two fetuses in the womb. You might call these babies . . .
wombmates!
Again, I thought I had a twin until like two years ago. I always felt like she was the “by the books” one, and I was the “fun and flirty” one. We had a ton of joint birthday parties. It honestly was fairly traumatic when I found out she was a vestigial penis. Which is why she has to go.
NOW
.
FIG. 1.16
FACE MASH
Genes play a great role in the art of choosing a spouse to mate with. Using face-melding software, I will show photos of what my baby would look like with multiple celebrity fathers.
Now, here’s a mash of me and my ex, Xander. You know, just a gentle hint about how we should get back together and have a million babies!
One of his eyes is not very symmetrically placed, so if something looks weird, that’s it. But his
personality
is symmetrical, and that’s all that matters! And his dick. It’s the length and girth of a two-liter bottle of Coke Zero.
Now, no one likes to think about people dying. Thinking about dying makes my skin break out and my herpes flare up j/k I don’t have herpes I’m just big-boned! It’s so sad to know that literally everyone you know will die someday.
FIG. 1.17
SPOILER ALERT!! Your aunt? Dead. That person you ran over with your Vespa accidentally? Dead. (I checked, he died a few days later.) The person who saw you run over that other person? Not dead, as long as he continues to be smart and keep his pretty mouth shut. But yeah, then eventually dead.
WHO’S GONNA DIE?
FIG. 1.17
Okay, in the spirit of full disclosure, I feel like I should delve more into my history with bodies. This is a part of my childhood that I’ve never really told anyone before. I found a body down by the tracks once. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. Oh God . . . I’m shaking just writing this . . .
Here’s the other thing: it was alive. It was an alive body. It was the conductor. He was gorgeous, but not rich. That was the super scary part. Conductors don’t make a ton of money. There aren’t even tips on trains.
FIG. 1.18
I knew he wouldn’t be able to buy me Prada lunch boxes, and I was really into Prada meal totes in those days. We dated for a few months, but my family didn’t approve. I finally had to dump him. We were both so upset about it, plus I dumped him
while I was on his train, which wasn’t a great idea because I couldn’t really leave. We had to sit in silence in the conductor’s quarters while I ate my lunch out of an off-brand knockoff lunch box.
FIG. 1.19
It couldn’t even keep the ceviche cold so I was crying into my lukewarm ceviche.
FIG. 1.18
FIG. 1.19
What I’m trying to say is, I’ve experienced death. As
mortals
, humans have a set life span. While the average
life expectancy
greatly differs from place to place (from 82.6 years in Japan to 0.0 years in the lava of a volcano), every human is going to die. Sorry, bitches. But don’t let it sneak up on you! Here are this spring’s most glamorous ways to die!
THIS SPRING’S MOST GLAMOROUS WAYS TO DIE
Don’t die like any old girl! It’s so embarrassing when you die in the
exact
same way as another girl. Go out in style in these fun, flirty ways to expire!
10. COMA & EXTENDED VEGETATIVE STATE
Want to lose up to one hundred pounds with no effort whatsoever? Slip into a coma! When your family finally takes you off life support, you’ll be the trimmest you’ve ever been. Better make your funeral open-casket! All the boys are going to want to see this!
9. SMALLPOX
Vintage is
in
this spring. Every girl is going to be vying for that elusive retro virus. Before you die an excruciating death from smallpox, you get the cutest little spots all over your skin. No need to wear a sundress when you have skin this trendy—polka dots are the new stripes! Plus, smallpox fits everyone. It’s like the Traveling Pants!
8. CHOKE TO DEATH ON A LATTE
This is glamorous a “latte” of times!
7. KILL YOURSELF AT YOUR BEST FRENEMY’S WEDDING
Now
this
is a fun one! Everyone has that one girlfriend that’s a little more enemy than friend. Maybe she stole your boyfriend in college. Maybe her rib cage sticks out more than yours. Maybe she’s black and you hate black people. Wait until she’s planned her perfect wedding (and invited you, that passive-aggressive bitch!). Right as she’s about to kiss the groom (or bride, that lesbian!), run up and shoot yourself in the head in the middle of the altar. This little prank will keep your true friends in stitches. Especially if any of them were hit with shrapnel!!
6. CHILDBIRTH
Ladies, you can have it all, ladies. A career, success, and a family! You don’t have to give up anything in your life for a family if you die during birth. Giving birth is a great way to lose five to ten pounds immediately, and dying in childbirth is a great way to lose one hundred to two hundred pounds forever! Plus, how cute will it be when your husband has to take care of your child by himself, figuring out how to juggle mac ’n’ cheese with grief counseling with ballet lessons? Mr. Mom much!
5. KILL YOURSELF AT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND’S WEDDING
Girls run the world, and any guy who has mistreated you needs to know that. One surefire way to send your ex a message is to kill yourself at his wedding to whatever new slampiece he’s found to degrade. Make sure to wear something form-fitting and sexy to the wedding (lavender sheaths are in this spring)—you want your ex to know what he’s missing.
FOREVER
.
4. DIE DURING SEX
This is where things get a little NSFW! There are plenty of kinky sex moves you can do to please your man (the Tommy Tutone, the Chicken of the Sea, the Reverse Schiavo, et cetera). But how
kinky
will it be when you die below (or on top of, you Annie Oakley you!) him during sex? There are a few ways to accomplish death during sex: you could choke, drown, get hit by a train, or your guy could stab you in the heart with his extremely pointy dick! Pick the way that’s right for you! It’s important that you feel comfortable while you’re dying during sex.
3. RECTAL CANCER
And who says women can’t be funny? It’s taken years, but women are finally being recognized as the true comic forces that they are. Show that you’re just as funny and crude as any man by dying from butthole cancer. Men, look out—women are the queens of potty humor now! And we
sit down
to do it!
2. PROSTATE CANCER
It’s the twenty-first century—women can do whatever men can do! Up until now, girls have been led to believe they can only die from “ladylike” cancers like breast and ovarian. If women can live like men, they can die like men. Get prostate cancer—show your husband who wears the chemo smock in your relationship!
1. CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
And the most glamorous way to die this spring? Capital punishment! Can anyone say “last meal”? Let’s just hope it’s on one of your carb cheat days!
