Science...For Her! (33 page)
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EACH STEP OF GLOBAL WARMING
As the world becomes progressively warmer, the modern woman’s wardrobe is going to have to change accordingly. Here are fashion options and transitions for each 10-degree Fahrenheit increase up until the point of complete human destruction.
+10°
FAHRENHEIT
At a 10-degree global temperature increase, the world as we know it has completely transformed. This seemingly insignificant change in temperature has led to widespread heatstroke, natural disasters, and fatalities. A cute
spaghetti-strap tank
is perfect. They come in every color, so let your unique personality shine through!
+20°
FAHRENHEIT
Most of Africa and Australia is now unlivable for humans. Half of the human population has been wiped out due to lethal heat-stress levels. Try a super-light
linen sundress
in white or light yellow for a summery splash of color.
+30°
FAHRENHEIT
The entire planet is now unlivable. Ice caps have all melted, creating planet-wide oceans that cover every land mass. Since you’ll be underwater, make sure you have the perfect swimwear.
Tankinis
are
in
! Just make sure your beach body is in, too! ;)
+40°
FAHRENHEIT
The planet formerly known as Earth is unrecognizable. There is no land or water—Earth has become a gaseous mass like Jupiter. Humans and any evidence of human life have long since perished from the planet. And since there are no people around to judge your outfits—don’t worry about your clothes! Go out in your
yoga pants
! How fun is that!
Speaking of ozone layers . . . we’re talkin’ female orgasms in a section I like to call the O-ZONE!! Fpun fun-tended!
Like I promised in the biology chapter, let’s talk more about how female orgasms don’t exist. Any girl who is telling you that she’s ever had an orgasm is lying to your face. She’s probably just trying to make you feel bad (some best friend
she
is!) or trying to make her boyfriend seem adequate. If you’ve ever had what you think is a female orgasm, you probably actually just ate a good grape.
ORGASMS
Eating a good grape
Finding new episodes of
Grey’s Anatomy on their DVR
A contact lens falling out
Successfully getting a coffee ring out of a coffee table
Putting a finger in your man’s butt
STREET NAMES FOR METH
OR
One of My Best Friends?
1.
Crystal
2.
Crystal Glass
3.
Christina
4.
Tina
5.
Cris
6.
Cristy
7.
Ice
8.
Getgo
9.
G
10.
Trash
11.
Super Ice
12.
LA Glass
13.
LA Ice
14.
Ice Cream
15.
Quartz
16.
Chunky Love
17.
Cookies
18.
Cotton Candy
19.
No Doze
20.
Pookie
21.
Rocket Fuel
22.
Scooby Snax
BOTH:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 21, 22
EX–BEST FRIEND
: 18 :(