Science...For Her! (37 page)

If you’re a cool gal (and you all are! MWAH! :)), you’ve probably heard of
sexually transmitted diseases
, or
STDs
. STDs are a bad way to get guys but a
great
way to prove to the popular girls that you’re not a virgin.

One of the most reviled STDs is
Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome
, or, for short,
Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrom
. Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrom used to be thought of as a certain killer, but now it’s nothing more than a slight nuisance, like having a blowout appointment with a new hairdresser who doesn’t really know what she’s doing and talks too much. All you have to do is take the right mixture of drugs and your Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrom will be more than under control.

Diagnosis
is the part of medicine that focuses on finding out what’s wrong with you. Sometimes you can look at your girlfriend and know something’s up, but you’re not sure what. Are they worried about a boy? Is it aseptic meningitis? Are they worried about a
girl
? It’s tough to tell. That’s why doctors have lots of tools to be able to find what’s wrong. Sometimes they put a thermometer up your
butt
! Who knew that taking your temperature could be so
arousing
?

If you’re not lucky enough to be able to visit a doctor, you can also use
online diagnostic tools
to figure it out for yourself.
WebMD
is a site where you can input your symptoms and it will output either a diagnosis or a big flashing screen that says “TMI.”

It’s best just to not get diseases in the first place. We’ve all heard “an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Well, an apple a day also keeps the
boyfriend
away! Apples have carbs! Blecch! KNOCK KNOCK! Who’s there? A fat woman! A fat woman who? A fat woman who can’t find a boyfriend because she ate too many apples and now my hands are so fat that my knocking is extra loud which is why the knock knock was in caps!

I’m not just talking shots of tequila that you do on spring break in Tijuana and then you pee on a police horse and go to jail! I’m talking
vaccinations
, the shots you get at the doctor.
Vaccines
are biological preparations that improve immunity to a particular disease. They often come in the form of
injections
or
oral administration
(mmm, “oral administration” was my nickname in Mexico jail ;)). Many diseases, like
polio
and
smallpox
, have been cured or almost cured with vaccines. Plus, the disease of horniness can be completely eradicated with a
hot-beef injection
!

Though vaccinations might seem like a no-brainer (like buying that ecru Birkin bag! You treat yourself, girl!), they have met with a lot of controversy over the past couple of decades. Former
Playboy Playmate, nude model,
and
actress Jenny McCarthy
claims that vaccines caused her son to develop
autism
, a disorder of neural development with mysterious origins. While there is no scientific evidence that vaccines are dangerous, and while all anti-vaccination findings have been found to be false, Jenny McCarthy has spearheaded an anti-vaccine campaign for many years now. Because of her outspoken beliefs condemning shots, the rate of children being vaccinated against childhood diseases has plummeted and the rates of those diseases have skyrocketed. Measles, mumps, and whooping cough are all on the rise over the past ten years. I used to call Xander’s dick “whooping cough,” because it was always on the
rise
!;)

What’s the takeaway from all this? Ladies, if this Jenny McCarthy stuff teaches you anything, it’s that ALL ANYONE WANTS TO DO IS LISTEN TO A HOT BLONDE TELL THEM EXACTLY WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO THINK. Look at this hot bitch!!
FIG. 6.4

FIG. 6.4

Jenny McCarthy has even less science experience than
me
, an alleged astronaut killer, and she’s been able to affect the entire landscape of American public health!! While there is no proof of a link between vaccines and autism, there sure is a link between being a hot lady with big melons and having everyone listen to you!!! Just keep on keeping your body tight, gals, and you can basically make up
any sort of science you want
!! Hot women truly CAN change the world!

Knock knock! Who’s there? Me! Me who?
MEOW!!!! CUTE KITTY!!!
FIG. 6.5

FIG. 6.5

Sometimes your brain doesn’t work exactly the way you want it to. It’s like a pledge for Delta Gamma that you have taken under your wing but then she’s shitty anyway and fucks a guy from Alpha Epsilon Pi even though your brother frat is Sigma Alpha Epsilon!

Mental illness
is a broad, generic label for a category of illnesses that may include affective or emotional instability, behavioral dysregulation, and/or cognitive dysfunction or impairment. Life can just get to you sometimes, ya know? I myself have dealt with depression before. After Xander and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Newark). Additionally, I get something called
seasonal affective disorder
, or
SAD
, where I get depressed when McRibs aren’t in season. I also haven’t always been super wealthy. You might not guess it, but my Tom’s shoes are the poor-person pair.

Mental illness is treated with a variety of therapies and medications. Seasonal affective disorder is often treated with the McRib. Unfortunately, sometimes even these treatments fail.

Remember: suicide is never the answer (though
attempting
suicide is a good way to get noticed by that hot EMT!). If you get to the point where you want to commit
suicide
, you should call a suicide hotline. You can also text them a bunch of emoji, if you’re less of a talker and more of a texter. Try this:
FIG. 6.6

FIG. 6.6

Love you gals! Stay strong!!

Food poisoning
is any illness resulting from the consumption of contaminated food, pathogenic bacteria, viruses, or parasites that contaminate food. Bad food can cause such terrifying diseases as
E. coli
and
O. besity.
Food poisoning is one of the worst diseases you can get because it’s like a close friend is betraying you. It’s like a panda turning on its cub. That being said, if your case of food poisoning isn’t too serious, it’s a GREAT way to lose weight! And if it is too serious, it’s a GREAT way to procrastinate on your housework because you’re dead!