Science...For Her! (38 page)
A good way to avoid food poisoning is to always check the expiration date before you dig into that Spam cup. Like, if a wine label says “2009”? Don’t drink that! It’s expired, girl! My high school ex-boyfriend Carter didn’t believe in labels, like “boyfriend” or “WARNING: BLEACH.” Probably why he’s not my boyfriend anymore! Because he’s dead!
One big form of food poisoning is
botulism
, aka
botox
, which helps us transition smoothly into . . .
Plastic surgery is amazing. You can make yourself so much better looking and feeling! I like to think of plastic surgery as tailoring your birthday suit. However, girls: only get plastic surgery if you feel comfortable. The meth I did effed up my face, and made it
necessary
to get plastic surgery. I personally had to get a boob job for my deviated septum.
In the previous chapter, I started going over the science of drugs. That was all about fun drugs. This section is all about the science of
legal
drugs. They may not be as fun as illegal drugs, but they
are
less fun than illegal drugs!
In the United States (woo, USA! Home of the free and land of the
hotties
! Have you
seen
Channing Tatum lately? WHAT A DILF!), drugs are managed by the
Food and Drug Administration
(FDA)
. For a drug to be approved by the FDA, it has to fulfill two requirements: 1) the drug must be effective against what it’s treating, and 2) the drug must have been extensively tested on animals and humans. And for all intents and purposes, men count as animals! LOL-er skates! LOL-iver Twist! LOLacaust!
Human testing might sound scary, but it’s actually a major part of why drugs work. It’s also a good way to make money if you’re a little strapped for cash. You get to be a cute little guinea pig!!
Maybe you had a bad day at work or maybe you have a bad case of PMS! Whatever the reason, if you’re having a bad day, just check out these pics of animals having makeup being tested on them!
Pharmaceutical companies are sometimes called
Big Pharma
because they have a ton of money and can use it to lobby for what they want in politics. Related: I once dated a guy people called Big Farmer. He was six foot five, around 250 pounds. Loved farming. Why he was called Big Farmer I’ll never know.
We assume that drugs are automatically being used to help us, but sometimes the people who make them have nefarious plans. That’s why you should
always read the fine print,
or
always make a man who’s better at reading read the fine print out loud to you.
Magnoz is a once-daily birth control pill.
Do not use Magnoz if you have kidney, liver, or adrenal disease because this could cause serious heart and health problems, or if you have or have had blood clots, certain cancers, history of heart attack or stroke, or if you are or may be pregnant.
Do not use Magnoz if you are over the age of 35. Also if you are under the age of 35. Only 35-year-olds should use Magnoz. Being any other age will greatly increase your risk of breast cancer, stroke, blood clot, and heart attack. Do not lie about your age. Magnoz will know.
Magnoz doesn’t not not protect against HIV or STDs. Is that a confusing warning? Sorry! Let me put it in less confusing terms: if you take Magnoz, you don’t not WON’T get AIDS, JK! There you go!
Do not use Magnoz and marry someone of a different race. Just in general. I don’t support it. Hope you agree! My favorite part of writing fine print has always been how great of a platform it is for radically conservative racial beliefs! People should really read these warning labels, there’s a lot of good stuff about which races should marry each other or not.
Take one tablet by day at the same time every day while in the same place. You’re allowed to think different thoughts than you did on the first day but they have to be about the same family of things (e.g., if you thought about one
Friends
episode, “The One with the Late Thanksgiving,” on the first day while taking Magnoz, you can think about a different ep, like “The One with All the Rugby.” Both great eps.).
During the first cycle of Magnoz, take one light-pink pill daily, beginning on the first Sunday after the summer solstice. Magnoz should not be started at any other time of the year, but especially the third day after Samhain, the pagan festival of Hallowe’en. Take a light-pink pill consecutively for thirty- nine days, then take one and a half light-blue pills. Only split the blue pill in half with the master sword from
The Legend of Zelda
. Any other sword and it will cause immediate gastrointestinal distress. Skip Magnoz every third day. Now, by “day” I of course mean a day on Mercury. That’s about 58 Earth days.
Talk to your doctor about Magnoz. And if your doctor is a
Friends
fan, talk to her about “The One with the Worst Best Man Ever”! OMG I am gonna LOL just thinking about it! Love you, Ross!
Some common side effects while taking Magnoz are: headache/migraine, menstrual irregularities, nausea/vomiting, breast pain/tenderness, fatigue, irritability, decreased libido, weight gain, and mood changes.
. . . But the most common side effects while taking Magnoz are: eyes falling out, eyes turning to stone, eyes turning to knives and impaling your brain through your eye sockets, and weight gain.
• Olive oil
• String cheese
• Wheat bread
• plums plucots, etc etc
Oh, sorry! I accidentally started writing my grocery list into this document! Just skip that. No time to erase. Just pretend like I never wrote it and keep reading!
Stop Magnoz if a deep-vein thrombosis occurs, or if the
Friends
episode “The One with the Jellyfish” comes on. Stop everything and watch it. It’s the best ep. But yeah, also the thrombosis thing.
On a semirelated note, if you take Magnoz, you are implicitly agreeing with all my views on race and racial mixing. They wanted one of the pills to be light brown instead of light blue and I was like SORRY SISTER that’s the color of like a mixed-race woman like Rashida Jones and I do not condone that. I tried to make the pills all white but you need to know which ones you’re taking I guess. I was painting them all over with Wite-Out for a while but there were some wrongful-death suits and I am just TOO tired to deal with those pesky pains in the neck!
Tell your health-care provider about all other drugs you take. Some other drugs may make Magnoz less helpful, including:
• Marijuana
• Cocaine
• Opiates
• Barbiturates
• LSD
And, like, if you take those, tell me, too? And like also where you get them? I’d like to get some of those. Do you have a good dealer? I would like some drugs. I hate my life and I need to escape. I can barely see anymore after writing fine-print warnings for fifteen, almost sixteen years. Yeah, you have to write them that small. You don’t get to write the warnings big and then shrink them down for the back of the prescription bottle or whatever. I feel like I could bring up the idea of writing normal and shrinking but I am just so exhausted. I can’t believe brown people are doing this to me by taking all the real jobs and I have to have this job.
The most common side effects while engaging in an interracial marriage are: sweating, fever, and death.
I hate this fine-print life so much, please kill me.
Major #doy trending topic here: love is a disease. There’s no two ways about it. There
is
three ways about it, though. What I’m saying is, three-ways are a great way to prove you love someone.
If love is a disease, then the cure is
wiener
! Every girl should have a boyfriend. I will repeat this: EVERY GIRL SHOULD HAVE A BOYFRIEND. As you know from reading my book (oh my G, thank you gals again SO MUCH for reading and buying this book!!! You are the best friends ever!!), I’ve been going through a little bit of a dry spell in terms of true loves. After my breakup with Xander, I haven’t found that Prince Charming I’ve been looking for. I
have
, however, found a lot of nonroyal civilians to have fun with. Like they say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a frog who will pay for everything and do meth with you!
FIG. 6.7
The silver lining is, after he signed the DNR, I’ve finally TRULY gotten over Xander!! I know I said it before, but I was totally lying! Like, I may have been ready to sleep with other people, but NOW I’m ready to LOVE WITH other people. I don’t even know who Xander is anymore! Why do I keep typing the word “Xander”??? That’s nothing! I PUT THE “X” IN “XANDER” BECAUSE HE IS MY EX! MORE LIKE “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” OUR RELATIONSHIP! I apologize for screaming! I’m going to go make myself some throat-soothing tea now! Mmm . . . tea: nature’s coffee!
Girls, if you have any boys to set me up with, I’d really appreciate you passing along this cover letter. Maybe you have a cute brother? A single gardener who speaks English? A PEZ dispenser in the shape of a human that I can wiggle so that it looks like a boyfriend? Lady tip: there’s not that much of a difference between a rare PEZ dispenser and a boyfriend! They’re both handsome, worth a lot of money, and spit PEZ at you!
