Science...For Her! (40 page)
I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing the parts of this chapter that I wrote while I was on Ecstasy!
FIG. 6.10
If I can save one girl’s life with information about medicine and health, then I’ve done my job. I’m the Johnnie Cochran of science textbook writers!
FIG. 6.10
AND IN OTHER BIG NEWS, Rihanna lovers: my girlfriend cover letter has been disseminated all over America! I’m pretty sure by the time we come back for the next chapter, I will have found my true love. Aka I will hold off on writing the chapter until I find my true love. Wish me luck!
QUESTION 1:
How many people have you sent my girlfriend cover letter to?
QUESTION 2:
Why haven’t you sent it to more people?
MAD LIBS QUESTION 3:
What is the most
adjective
noun
?
QUESTION 4:
Does “no” mean “yes”? (This is a trick question: either way you answer, it means “yes”!)
QUESTION 5:
Should you talk to your doctor to learn more about Magnoz (SPONSORED QUESTION)?
Space & TechnologySpace & Technology: An Introduction
NO NO I CANNOT GET STARTED ON SPACE & TECHNOLOGY BECAUSE I HAVE HUGE NEWS, GIRLS!!! I have to start with that!
My Big News: An Introduction
OMG I can’t believe I’m telling you this right now, for real! Wait, though—I should be mature about this. I am an
author.
I should do my job first and then tell you the news.
Space & Technology: An Introduction
So um well, “space & technology” comes from the Greek . . . wait, who am I kidding! There’s
no
way I’m going to be able to concentrate on this boring stupid old science stuff while I’m sitting on this huge news! Oy vey! I’m so sorry to have jerked you all around but let’s try this again!
My Big News: An Introduction
No wait I am being so bad. I should seriously just do the science stuff. I am being paid for it, and that’s money that is funding my hankering for pretzel M&M’s that I get around my period (how can I NOT be bad around my period?! :p). Not that I’m just doing this writing stuff for the money, I really truly do love you girls. :) But yeah, let me do the science stuff.
Space & Technology: An Introduction
F%<# this science WE GOTTA DO THE NEWS FOR REALSIES.
My Big News: Introduction: For Realsies
I AM DATING A GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like
seriously
dating a guy!
I am sobbing right now, FYI. I can barely talk about my guy without crying. I am just that lucky. I am ajcryinsg so ahrd that teh keabyoard iss geitng so slipeiery taht its hard to tpye.
Okay, I’ve wiped off the keyboard and have taken a step back, which makes it a little harder to type but it’s worth it because I’m not crying on the keyboard anymore. It turns out that I really just had to let Xander go FOR GOOD and it would immediately open me up to a new boyfriend!
We met in the hospital. We were both in clinically induced comas, but apparently even when we were both unconscious, our hands moved a little toward each other. The orderlies at the hospital noticed this, and soon they were dressing us up to go on “dates,” “prom,” etc.
They even made a calendar of us that you can buy online through Etsy! All the proceeds go to worthy causes like “CUTE HATS FOR COMA DATES,” a charity that provides hats for people falling in love during their comas like us.
Anyway, after we woke up, we REKINDLED the hospital romance! My boyfriend didn’t do so well in the coma, TBH—he can’t remember most things and I have to bathe and feed him, but is that really that different from most guys? ;) He doesn’t really have a name, because trying to call him any one name will weirdly send him into a violent rage, but is that really different from most guys? ;) Can I get a “NO IT’S NOT YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND HAVE A PERFECT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, MEGAN”?! Thank you!! Great—you gals are so sweet thta Imm cairying agiang!!!!
Space & Technology: An Introduction For Realsies
“Space & technology” comes from the Greek
bitch
, which, loosely translated, means “my ex–best friend Tiffany.”
When we say
space
, we’re talking about
outer space
. And when I say
we
, I’m talking about big, beautiful babes in America. Outer space is the void that exists outside of the earth’s boundaries and between other
heavenly bodies
, like the
sun
or
Gisele Bündchen
. Um,
yes
Gisele has a heavenly body!! Love you, Gis!
Space is mostly a
vacuum
. We sure know about those, ladies! But don’t be fooled, it’s not the type of vacuum that makes your life worth living and gives you the sense of purpose that you get from cleaning your family’s house that your man owns. It means that there are very few particles floating around and it’s mostly just empty space. Maybe a few particles of hydrogen, maybe like a cupcake that a cute, single astronaut girl was eating on a space date with the moon! OMG how cute! Does anyone know if the moon is single? ;)
There’s no air in space, which is okay because humans can live without air for like, three years or something. Or wait, I’m thinking of changing your oil. Yeah wait, you CAN’T live without air, that’s it. No air in space means that you can’t live there, no matter how many single
moons there are to date. Honestly, it’s crazy how fragile humans are. It’s like, how much air can you possibly breathe?! Save some for the land-fishes!
FIG. 7.1
Astronauts
are the cool dudes who are trained by a human spaceflight program to command, pilot, or serve as a crew member of a spacecraft. As we learned before (unless you, like my unnamed boyfriend, have massive memory loss and have forgotten the last chapters of this book!), women
can’t drive.
Therefore, it makes sense that most astronauts have been men. It’s just like that old childhood rhyme: “Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter because they’re in control of NASA, science, and their emotions.”
FIG. 7.1
HUMANS
FRAGILE, YET RESILIENT
an Anecdote
“
Sometimes the human body is very resilient. I once left a baby in a car with rolled-up windows for like five hours. I’m not an idiot, though, I left the car running so that the baby could drive to a water park if it got hot. I wonder what that baby’s up to. FYI, that “once” was five hours ago. The baby’s still in the car. And don’t worry. It won’t get too hot. The car’s in my garage!
”
The
big bang
was how the whole entire universe started! Yes, everything: the plants, the trees, my best friend Maddie, my best friend Lizzy, my best friend Sophie, my best friend Anna, Khloe Kardashian (not my best friend . . .
yet
), chard, a baseball card, Mandarin Chinese, hand lotion, face lotion, esophagus lotion (that’s what I call yogurt!). According to the big bang, the universe began approximately 13.798 ± 0.037 billion years ago when a tiny little dense chunk of matter exploded and rapidly expanded into all the matter we now know as everything in the universe. It’s like when you eat a pretzel M&M on your period and suddenly you immediately balloon into a fat cow! That’s what the big bang was like!
But you know what big “bang” makes me think of. I don’t even have to tell you! You totally get it because you’re one of those cool girls who loves sex but ALSO knows her place!
FIG. 7.2