Science...For Her! (25 page)
Thermodynamics
is the study of how heat is transferred from one thing to another.
Dark matter
is good at absorbing heat. Um, speaking of “dark matter?”—I
love
black men! ;)
FIG. 3.2
Sorry to be TMI but they are
great
lovers! I got bit by the jungle fever bug (
malaria
) when I was like thirteen and I have not looked back.
FIG. 3.3
FIG. 3.2
FIG. 3.3
THREE FUN WAYS TO ENJOY A DATE
Even If You Are White and Your
Date Isn’t the Same Race as You
Go to a movie that involves lots of races! Try
Birth of a Nation
or, if you want to spend a night in, rent
Roots
.
Eat food that can reach both of your cultures! Force yourself to scarf down
fried chicken
, an exotic delicacy the black people stole from Colonel Sanders in 1642!
Get into a little sexy role-play that helps you understand where they’re coming from! ;) Make your black beau pretend to be Sally Hemings, a colonial black slave, and you can be Thomas Jefferson, who raped her and fathered one or more of her children. Then you’ll
truly
know where Sally Hemings was coming from—her black penis!
Let’s take this opportunity to talk a little bit about race, babes! Here’s a little racial humor to get us warmed up: isn’t it funny how white people read textbooks like
this
, while black people read textbooks like
this
? This is not a very good joke written out!
As we’ve established, humans are animals, just like the animals of the sea and sky. Therefore, differences between
races
are literally exactly like breeds of dogs, if one paler breed of dog had the proclivity to hold other slightly darker dogs captive!! Slavery is mega-bad but OMG—how cute would that be? :) A white poodle forcing a chocolate lab to pick his dog-cotton! OMG so cute! I think it would look a little something like this! ;)
12 Years a Slave?
More like
84 DOG YEARS A SLAVE!!
But yeah, slavery is mega-bad!
FOUNDATION
OR
BLACKFACE?
Don’t be caught in a sticky situation! Make sure that your wrong shade of foundation doesn’t turn into the right shade of blackface!
Jude
Laws of Physics! I’m Talkin’ Hotties of Physics! ;)
There are laws for physics, just like there are laws for how many carbs you’re supposed to eat. First law of both physics and carbs is “EAT NO CARBS.”
FIG. 3.4
Sir Isaac Newton (9 body, 4 face) invented
Three Laws of Physics
. But, hey, laws, shmaws. Physics should be done by following the
heart
. Here are some of the most eligible bachelors of physicsdom! (Dead people count as bachelors.)
FIG. 3.5
FIG. 3.4
FIG. 3.5
of
SCIENCE
GALILEO GALILEI (primitive astrophysics)
Galileo was an Italian physicist, mathematician, astronomer, and philosopher, but he also spoke the universal languages of love and Italian. He is best remembered for the Galileo, a sex move where the man enters the woman as both are falling at an equal gravitational rate from the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (This chapter’s bonus sex move!)
ISAAC NEWTON
(classical mechanics/gravitation)
Sir Isaac Newton, an all-around science genius, was alive from 1643 to 1726, which means that his lifetime spanned the year 1690, the ultimate 69. By all accounts, he spent the year 1690 giving oral pleasure to several British babes at once. He is famous for the three laws of sex, including: a penis in motion tends to
stay
in motion. OOOOOH GIRL!!
AMEDEO AVOGADRO (microscopic physics)
Avogadro is most well-known for
Avogadro’s number
, approximately 6.022 x 10
23
, which is the number of women he CROTCH-MALLETED (rounded to the nearest trillion)!!!! If you wrote down all the names of all the women Avogadro down-there-mistletoe’d, it would stretch to the moon and back thirty million times (rounded to the nearest thirty million).
ALBERT EINSTEIN
(special and general relativity)
Though many know him as one of the most famous scientists who ever lived, Einstein was also a notorious playboy who invented the condom because he loved to pork but didn’t want any STDs.
E = MC squared? U = VD spared
!
ERWIN SCHRÖDINGER (quantum mechanics)
Famous for the hypothetical “Schrödinger’s cat.” Which is referring to his mistress Marta Schrödinger’s pussy!