Science...For Her! (20 page)
Molecular bonding is way boring but not when you think of it as bonding with your fave five girls!
Covalent bonds
: those are your besties; but watch out for the frenemies of the molecular world, the
electrons
that pull apart the bonds! They might invite you to their baby showers, but they are NOT your real friends, they will put gum in your baby-shower-themed mocktails and constantly remind you that Xander will never give you kids because he had a voluntary vasectomy in ninth grade! F you, bitches, those can be reversed!
Atoms, the smallest particles of elements, are formed around a dense central core (called the
nucleus
) with negatively charged pieces (
electrons
) flying around the center. The electrons of different atoms interact with each other and bond. The electrons are negatively charged because they’ve been thinking about their TURNOFFS! My turnoffs include: being dirty, clinginess, huge felony record, not enough felonies. Exactly one felony is what I’m looking for, boys. But a big one. Make it count.
You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ but Mammals, So Let’s Do It Like They Do It in Chemical Bonding!
Here are some fun, flirty ways to incorporate the designs of chemical bonds into some sexy bedroom bonding time! ;)
Pretend like a soft scarf is the electron cloud. Envelop him in it, then tie him to the bedpost as if he were an oxygen atom and the two posts of the bed were hydrogen. You just made sexy water!!
Get on the floor and handcuff his right hand to his right foot, and left hand to left foot. Now he’s like
benzene
, a hydrogen and carbon atom arranged in a ring. If you like it then you shoulda put a RING ON IT!
A fun safe word is
2-(2-propyl)-5-methyl-cyclohexane-1-ol
. For short, C
10
H
19
OH, or CCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOH.
Blindfolds are a good way to start bondage “lite.” Get a good satin blindfold that won’t let any light in. Then stick the blindfold up his butt. It’s a good sex place! The butthole! I promise!
P.U.! What’s that? It’s gas! Ha, just a little joke for you! Gas doesn’t just mean the stuff that comes out of your fetid butthole. It’s also the stuff that is in your oven and you can kill yourself with it. It’s honestly a beautiful way to die. Like if I found a woman who killed herself in an oven? I’d be like, at least she died doing what she loved: being around ovens.
FIG. 2.13
Because gas is usually invisible, you might not think about it surrounding you, but when you’re naked you’re actually being touched by a million fingers of gas. In a lot of ways, gas is like God. Gas is all around you. Gas watches you when you sleep. It embraces you when you undress. They have both in Europe. It’s used in wars.
Selfie-a-Plath
Love you, Sylvia! Miss you, babe!
FIG. 2.13
of
MATTER
Gas
is just one of four states of matter, along with
solid, liquid
, and
plasma
. Compare and contrast to the states of don’t matter (Florida, Arizona)!
Here is some intense stuff, babes! Nuclear chemistry deals with radioactivity. It’s like when you look super hot and a guy at the club is like, “Yo, you radioactive, gurl!!” except that radioactivity in real life causes your skin to fall off, cancer, etc. And it has nothing to do with radios, okay, so stop asking if it does or I swear to God I will pull this fucking book over.
FIG. 2.14
